Flaws
by Flowing lantern
Summary: After the death of her parents, Elena is finding it hard to manage with the lost and grief inside her. Her aunt decides, that it would be good for her to get some help and urges her to attend the meetings of a support group, consisting of teenagers with issues similar to hers, which is where Elena meets a boy, who has a dark realistic personality and too many secrets.
1. Chapter 1

**Elena's POV**

I am lying in my bed, fully dressed and ready to get out, no matter how much I am unwilling to do this right now. I'm staring at the ceiling, thinking about so many things, as usually and listening to the noises aunt Jenna is making in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure that in about five minutes, she'll come upstairs and start yelling at me that it's high time we go. My brother is probably also up by now, as I can hear the strange noises coming from his room, which makes me conclude that he must be playing one of his stupid games once again. I can't believe that the first thing he does when he wakes up, is turn on that damn thing and start playing a game that involves killing people. Moreover, he claims that it helps him feel more energetic after a ten-hour sleep. I shook my head, criticizing him in my own mind, which as Jenna and a bunch of other people claim, is a bit screwed up right now. I'm guessing we all have our own ways of dealing with the big emotional catastrophes in our lives. So, if playing games makes him feel better, I'm perfectly okay with it. At least his way of dealing with things is better than mine.

My phone starts buzzing, but I don't even make an attempt to take a look at who's calling. I'm guessing it might be Bonnie, my best friend, checking up on me again, asking how I was doing and when I'm going back to school. I wasn't up to talking with her right now, simply because there wasn't anything I could tell her. I felt too empty inside and having a casual conversation, which would lack any sense was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I'm guessing that's one of the reasons I lost some of my friends-it was because I pushed them away. It wasn't on purpose, I was just too fed up with it -talks, parties, Friday football games all those cliché things that come with being a teenager. The problem is, after the big change in my life , I failed to see a point in so many things, that sometimes it scared me, but I was trying to bury that deep down and not let it sink in, because it appears that when I do that, it has…bad effects on me. And as Jenna says-on our whole family, or whatever's left of it.

I hear my aunt's footsteps-she's rushing to get to my room. I count the seconds to her bursting in and I smile at how precise I am. She furrows her eyebrows as soon as she sees my sarcastic smile-her hair is still a bit wet, I'm guessing she got out the shower soon, but she's dressed and even with a comb in her hair, she still looks serious as hell.

"Come on, Elena. We'll be late!" she protest and I rise up a bit, only so I could lean on the big pillows and give her another satisfying smile as I cross my arms on my chest. She looks pretty funny right now and even without me saying a world, she knows how I'm mentally laughing out at this very moment and that makes her even more pissed off.

"I told you, I'm not going to this stupid thing, Jenna." I protested, but without yelling. I've figured yelling doesn't do me no good. It only makes her extremely mad. And right now, I certainly didn't want to piss her off. She knew she has already won this debate, I was just desperately still trying to prove my point and was stubbornly refusing to make any kind of move. She has already grounded me after our fight the other night, when I came home at three in the morning, so I don't think there was much else she could do right now. Except like…take me my phone, but I'm not using it anyway so that's all fine by me.

"Get up, Elena. Right now! I'm not letting you get rid of this. It's important." she said once again and I sighed, only so I could get up and start looking for my shoes. Maybe, after all, if I just go there a few times and pretend like everything's better, she'll leave me alone. Plus, maybe the psychiatrist might extend the break I was taking from school right now. Not that we had much left, summer vacation was right around the corner, but I was perfectly fine with skipping a month full of finals and assignments.

"I don't get why you want me to do this. I'm not gonna just stand up in front a bunch of people and talk to them about how screwed everything in my life is!" I protested and that was the point where she started yelling about how I have to do it, because the doctor said so and because she's not going to keep watching me ruin myself anymore and how if my mother and father were still alive they would never let me give up like this and then I thought, well if they were still here, I wouldn't be in this condition in the first place, but I kept quite. There were moments, when I just liked yelling at her for no reason, there were also those when I just kept silent, suffered on my own and definitely didn't listen to anything she said. I thought there was no point in fighting with her anymore, because she'll continue pushing me to do all those stuff that keep me alive, anyway and even though she realized, that I might be doing them, but I'm not doing them _right_ and with any kind of will, she still kept pushing, because she was afraid of the alternative, which was that I could pretty much decide to try to kill myself yet again.

More or less, that was the reason that made her freak out so much-I overdosed with the pills the doctors have give me after the car accident when I lost my parents. To be honest, I'm not sure I really wanted to do this. Yes, I was sad..okay, I was a bit depressed actually and I had lost all desire to do anything, but that night, when I took all those medications, I had no idea, I would end up in a damn hospital a few hours later for yet another time in a short period of three months. I just wanted to forget it all. I hated it when night came, because I always started thinking once the light was off and I was in my bed. I would remember things about the crash and how both mom and dad yelled as soon as we went off the bridge. Those stuff kept me awake, but that wasn't the main problem, it was the thing that prevented me from falling asleep.

"Elena, please, we've been through this. It's time you started dealing with your problems." she added while fixing her hair in a ponytail and urged me to keep going. I sighed annoyed and felt the tears in my eyes-tears from stubbornness, not from sadness. I hated it when I had to do things, just because someone else was saying so and when they were rubbing constantly in my nose how it was for my own good. There's no such thing as own good, in this life, you're either completely ruined by everything around you or you get ruined by everything around you, but pretend to be all good with it, put a smile on your face and act stronger and people start talking about how this girl was immensely depressed after her parent's death, but managed to get herself together, move on and be the prom queen. Those stories make me want to punch someone in the face, because they just don't exist. We are all ruined, in ways different, which are hard to understand.

I get in the car unwillingly, wondering how much will she continue nagging and in my head I even bet if it's going to be until we get there or just after we pass by the supermarket around the corner . I'm not even listening to her, only a few of her words manage to surface and make me get the main idea of her great speech. It turns out, she keeps on going until we get to this goddamn place. There's no way I'm going to get away from this thing as she'll be waiting for me outside after I'm done.

My aunt's idea of dealing with things is attending a group consisting of young people suffering from depression, troublesome kids who abused with drugs or alcohol, or those like me, who obviously attempted to kill themselves, though I stated numerous times, that I had no such intentions. Basically, it was like an AA group, but with teenagers, who had problems they couldn't define themselves. I couldn't believe that she was making me do this, but no matter how much I insisted on being fine and trying to make her understand that I just wanted to get a good night sleep and not end my life, I couldn't change her mind. The worst part was when Jeremy supported the idea, which caused things between us to get even worse, simply because I was mad at him. I guess deep down, I knew that he was doing it for my own good, but I was refusing to accept it, just like I was denying that I actually had I problem, because I was convincing myself every day that I didn't. I just..get sad from time to time, that doesn't mean that I'm crazy and need to talk in a group full of young criminals and screwed up girls, whose dreams revolved around becoming the most popular girl in school.

When we finally got to the room, where this thing was taking place, we found out that everyone were already here. Jenna excused us for being late and exchanged a few polite words with the psychiatrist, who was organizing this thing and who was a pretty good looking woman in her thirties. She didn't appear to be exactly like one of those ladies in their forties, who know everything about life that the movies show us-she was a bit..different from what I could conclude. Her clothes were not crazy colorful or something like that-she wore simple skinny jeans and a light green shirt and she had a long straight hair, which was now put in a nice ponytail, she had no notebooks or stuff like that, she simply sat next to all those kids in the room and appeared to be more or less…like them. That surprised me a bit, but not enough to make me actually take this matter seriously. While Jenna and her were talking, I looked around and noticed that the chairs were arranged in a relatively big circle and that all the places were taken except for one. There were kids of all ages between I'm guessing fourteen and eighteen, both girls and boys, some of whom appeared to be a little strange-there was this one boy with a winter hat on his head, when I had in mind, that it was so hot outside that I regretted not putting a top instead of the T-shirt I was with, right now. There was also this one girl, who was staring at her shoes uncomfortably, another boy who was looking out the window and rubbing the back of his head nervously, as if he was afraid someone would do something to him, all of them appeared to be a bit crazy and I already mentally cursed Jenna for taking me here, so I hurried to look away and get my attention back to Jenna and the psychiatrist, who were already telling their goodbyes as I was just throwing Jenna a pleading look, hoping she would be able to read it and just get me the hell out of here, but the only thing she did was shook her head and give me one of her stern looks, just as she was opening the door and leaving me behind.

"Come on, Elena" the woman said cheerfully and put her hand on my arm, while guiding me towards the circle "Let's meet everyone else, yeah?" I nodded a bit angrily and took the only free chair left there.

As soon as I sat down, I looked at the opposite side, only to find a boy with sandy hair and green eyes staring at me. For a moment, I kept my eyes on him as well, because he didn't seem like anyone else in this room. Actually, as I took another glance at the people surrounding me, I figured he must be the most normal kid here. He was dressed in a nice black shirt, jeans and trainers. There was something…misty about his appearance, something dark and honestly, I couldn't even begin to figure out what it was. Just as I was about to try, the woman started talking and he moved his look away from me, but a light smile appeared on his lips for a short moment and I wondered if he's mentally mocking me. I kept staring at him, now a bit angry, trying to figure out what his deal was, but then I decided to give up and focus more on what the psychiatrist was saying. It turned out her name was doctor Meredith Fell or something like this, I wasn't paying very much attention to her words, as I was still peaking at the cocky boy with the black T-shirt. He appeared to be either completely indifferent to what she was saying or just too much above everything around him to even try and listen carefully to her words.

We started the session with some girl called Macy, who had a problem with socializing and talking to people outside this small circle…obviously. With every passing minute, things here started sounding more and more absurd. God, does this girl know that there are people out there with serious issues? I rolled my eyes and sighed annoyingly, though I was completely aware that Fell was watching me and she wasn't the only one. The boy was staring at me once again and I'm pretty sure he was wondering what the hell my issue was, as I appeared to be completely normal. The problem is-I was asking myself the same thing, but about him. I wondered what his deal was-he seemed healthy, strong, good looking, obviously coming from at least a middle class family. There was something sad in his eyes, but he was covering it pretty good with boredom-he seemed to be so sick of staying in this room, that even though, I considered him to be cocky and…thinking that he's better than everyone, which I've concluded without even hearing him talk, I somehow felt like me and him were on the same page here-we surely could be somewhere else right now. After the girl finished and doctor Fell has talked to her some about her issues by simply asking her questions, I found myself feeling nervous about her picking me right now. Instead, however, she turned towards the boy with the black T-shirt.

"Stefan, maybe you would like to share something with us today?"

"Oh, no, I'm all good, thank you." he responded completely confident in himself. I was surprised when I realized that he doesn't sound cocky at all. He just appeared to not give a damn about anything in this room.

"It's been two weeks since you last spoke in front of the group" doctor Fell sounded a bit more serious right now, but she wasn't scolding him. She was just trying here and it seemed like she was having a hard time dealing with this boy. "Coming here without doing anything is not going to help you, you realize that, right?"

"I'm perfectly aware, doc." he added with a smile on his face now as he was just crossing his arms on his chest and stretching his legs as if he has been watching some boring TV show for too long and couldn't wait to get up and do something else, which however wouldn't be any more significant than his last activity. "I still prefer to remain silent today." he added seeing that he might get a whole speech soon and used this one sentence to desperately try and prevent it. I couldn't believe he actually managed to do so, because Fell nodded knowingly and unfortunately turned towards me while still however continuing her conversation with Stefan.

"Okay, then if you don't want to talk maybe you'll help our newest member here start sharing, yeah?" she smiled and nodded towards me. "Why don't you give, Elena here some advice, encourage her to talk and feel better in our group?" for a moment he raised up a bit, looked back and forth to the doctor and me, with his eyebrow pierced, feeling obviously, pressured to talk, if not about himself then with someone else. After some time, he cleared his throat and asked a bit confused.

"You want me to advise her?" Fell nodded and he leaned back on his chair in the most casual posture possible while running his fingers through his hair, but not nervously, it was rather more like an action which get him another thirty seconds to think what he should start with. "Okay, then, if you insist." he turned towards me and I suddenly felt like I'm about to start sweating. I nervously looked away, refusing to meet his glance, but after he started, I had no other choice but face his careless expression once again "You're in a room full of crazy ass lunatics under the age of eighteen," he started and Fell gave him a stern look, but he continued nevertheless, not even slightly disturbed by her expression "Welcome on board. Half of those psychos here have socializing issues, most of them are girls who only want to be better looking and find a boyfriend, the other part is consisting of failed jocks and crazy kids with big family issues, another small group has actual life problems, but they, however, remain the most insignificant and ignored percent of this goddamn circle of life-failing teenagers." Some of the kids smiled and nodded knowingly, while listening to his words. It seemed, as if they knew what he would say already and they weren't bothered at all. Of course there were a few girls who gave him a very judgy look and a few boys, who weren't even listening to him as they seemed to be having other issues on their minds right now. "My advice here would be to say as less as possible and enjoy the show." he said those last words seriously "If you pay attention, sometimes it's better than those realities on TV." and then he winked with a big smile on his face. It was the first time, I saw him smiling and I honestly let a small laugh out, which won me a bad look from Meredith.

"Alright, that's enough, Stefan!" she cut him off and he leaned back on his chair while she shook her head helplessly and turned towards me with an apologetic look, while I was still trying to compose myself. The way he talked about stuff was too goddamn real and he surely didn't care, if he sounded cocky or if he was ungrateful and indifferent towards other people's problems. He just obviously said exactly what was on his mind and honestly that's what caught my attention. This boy was nothing like the rest of the people here. It's not that I was underestimating the issues those kids had, it was just that he seemed dark, misty, smart and with a sense of humor. He just slapped reality right into the face and said to everyone in this room that it doesn't matter to him if they hate him or not. The more I looked at him, the more I wondered what was wrong with him, what broke him down, though I was sure I wouldn't figure that out soon as he obviously..didn't talk much. I wondered how it was that he's still attending these meetings and I concluded that maybe there was someone in his family who pushed him to keep going, just like it was with me.

Meredith didn't seem too disturbed by his behavior, on the contrary, she appeared somehow determined. Obviously, he was a hard boy to get through as it appeared that he doesn't want her help at all and yet she didn't seem down, she only looked more motivated. But she didn't pressured him to talk anymore and she surely didn't push me, which I guessed was also part of her plan. I was sure, it wouldn't be so easy to get rid of her as I hoped in the beginning. Maybe I should just be a smartass like this boy and she'll eventually toss her hands in the air helplessly and leave me alone like she did with him. The next twenty minutes we spent listening to the boy next to Stefan, who was pressured by his parents to become a lawyer or something like this.

Me and Stefan kept exchanging glances and rolling each other's eyes every time someone said something stupid, though as a whole we kept quiet and tried not to disturb the others. It all became like a game to us-laughing at those kid's personal miseries as we were refusing to talk about our own.

When we finished and most of the kids started leaving the room, I hurried to get out as well, only to find Jenna in the hallway, waiting patiently for me to come out. I almost wanted to start yelling at her for not trusting me to walk the distance between a room and a car, but she managed to make me calm down by saying that she just needs to talk for a few minutes with the doctor about the payment and stuff like that. I furrowed my eyebrows, as I watched her get in and wondered where the boy with the sandy hair was since I never noticed him leave. I leaned on the wall and closed my eyes, trying to relax a little as it turned out that this whole thing has made me feel a bit tired. As soon as I heard some movement from the other end of the corridor , however, I opened my eyes again only so I could see a woman in her forties and a little kid who seemed to be around the age of six with dark raven hair and blue eyes approach my door. The boy was jumping up and down around his mother, who had a hard time making him act appropriately. He seemed enthusiastic about something and he let go of her hand only so he could ran before her with his little school bag jumping up and down on his shoulders. There was a big smile on his face and he honestly appeared to be the only happy person I've seen in the last hour or so. I wondered what a mother could be doing here, but shrugged my shoulders and got back to staring at the half-opened door before me.

"Excuse me is doctor Fell still inside?" the woman's voice surprised me and I almost jumped a little as I didn't expect anyone to talk to me. The boy looked up at me and smiled for some unknown reason and I tried to return with the same.

"Uhm, yeah she's in there." I confirmed just as the boy decided to turn to his mother, who was with the most exhausted expression on her face. There was something familiar in her eyes, though, something which reminded me of another person, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It appeared that she was in a hurry and that maybe she didn't plan to come here right now at all, but in the last minute she changed her mind and took a fast trip up those stairs to the third floor where our room was. I was already laughing at the thought that I was calling this place our room as if I was part of this group for a long time when in reality it was the first time I was here. I honestly was sure that I would feel extremely disappointed by the end of this meeting, but it turned out that I only felt bored and wondered how much time I would need to pretend in front of Jenna and convince her that this is the best idea she has come up with in a very long time.

"Momma, where's Stefan?" the kid asked as he decided to drop his bag on the floor, obviously because it was too heavy for him now and she scolded him to stop making so much noise as his childish voice echoed through the hallway. When I heard his name, I figured it out-those two must be his family. The woman was just about to knock on the door when Stefan himself got out and furrowed his eyebrows as soon as he saw his mother.

"What are you doing here?" he asked sternly while his mom's face became a bit angry. He didn't have the opportunity to continue with his questions, however, no matter how wanted to do so. It seemed as if he didn't expect to see his family here at all.

"Ah, Mrs. Salvatore, so nice to see you" Fell came behind Stefan's back and greeted the woman politely. Stefan's mom smiled as well while her older son let an annoying sigh out.

"Stefan, watch your brother while me and the doctor talk some here." she ordered and gently pushed the little kid towards Stefan, who was still seriously disturbed by the fact that his mom would speak to Fell. In the meantime, I kept wondering why Jenna is still inside, but didn't ask as Meredith seemed too busy to pay any attention to me. They closed the door behind them and as soon as they did the little kid stretched his hands towards Stefan and started blabbing too much.

"Stefan!" he yelled and started tugging his jeans. "Pick me up, pick me up!"

"You're six- years- old, Damon, do you really need someone to carry you?" Stefan responded while furrowing his eyebrows a bit, playing angry, though I could see a smile on his face. The kid climbed up and hugged him tight "Okay, that's enough now." he said in the same grumpy manner, but the kid didn't seem to bother at all, I guess he was used to his brother being like this. I chuckled as I watched Stefan pretend that he's suffocating just for the child's entertainment and he threw me a helpless glance. "You fucked up like me here?" he asked and I nodded, suddenly finding it hard to choose the right words and comprehend a decent answer.

"Who's this girl?" the boy turned towards me with a curious look as he let go of his brother. He looked at me from top to bottom and then leaned on his brother's chest, as if he suddenly became a bit ashamed that he has asked.

"This is a new member of our group, Damon." Stefan added with a serious tone, but explaining slowly, picking up the right words. I'm guessing he felt a bit confused when it came to introducing me. He gave me an apologetic look, trying to excuse his brother's behavior and with a smile, I nodded understandingly, trying to show him that it was all fine. I was still amused by the fact that I lacked words in this situation.

"Are you sick like Stefan?" the boy asked again and both me and Stefan looked away uncomfortably, trying to figure what to say next. Luckily Stefan was good at finding a way out of the awkward situation

"Okay, now Damon, what have I told you when it comes to asking girls things?" he said seriously, and his little brother looked back and forth between us, then down at the floor, feeling ashamed. Then he stretched his palm and caught his thumb with his other hand.

"First, to never ask them about their age" he said and Stefan confirmed his answer with a nod, which obviously made Damon happy and he continued eagerly "Second-to always compliment them about their clothes like" the kid furrowed his eyebrows, but figured out and example pretty soon "No, honey, those jeans are not too tight, they make you look as if you're back in high school" at this point I was already finding it hard to prevent myself from laughing out loud "Or like "This dress really matches your eyes." Stefan nodded again, obviously feeling proud of his brother's responses "And third" Damon covered another finger "To never ask them questions, which will make them feel uncomfortable."

"Great!" Stefan let out happily and looked at me with a ridiculous expression on his face, which made him appear like a child himself

"I'm guessing I did the third one?" he turned towards his brother and Stefan confirmed with a pretend serious look and shook his head a little towards me, trying to show Damon that he should apologize "I'm sorry, pretty girl." he said sadly, guilt obvious in his voice

"It's okay." I nodded and gave him a smile, which however made the kid a bit more uncomfortable and he turned towards his brother again.

"Stefan, can we play tonight?" the kid ignored me and turned his attention back to Stefan, who couldn't catch his breath

"No." Stefan responded with the same grumpy face he had back in the room, during the session.

"Can you buy me some candies?" he asked again with the typical for the children enthusiastic light in his eyes.

"Definitely no." the kid was relentless, though and he obviously didn't care that his brother is denying everything he asked for, he just kept on going.

"Can we watch sports?"

"Absolutely impossible, Damon."

"Will you read me before bed?" he asked one last time, obviously on the verge of giving up already with a sad expression on his face which softened Stefan.

"Maybe." he responded with uncertainty and the kid jumped back on his neck.

"I love you, Stefaaaaan!" he yelled while his big brother made another fed up face and I chuckled yet again. This boy seemed so different from anyone else I've seen that I was hard for me to form an opinion about him in my head. One time he seemed cocky, the other-he was hugging with a kid outside this goddamn room full of desperation and the third he was carelessly observing everything around him like he doesn't give a damn.

"Easy there now." Stefan said once again while the kid was trying to find a way to poke him in the ribs and wanted to do anything that would provoke reaction in his brother.

"You might reconsider the candy situation" Damon spoke up again with a voice that showed that he knows something "Knowing how I might tell mom that you skipped school the other day." Stefan sighed, again trying to play annoyed and rolled his eyes, but it was clear that he only did that so the kid could think he's owning the situation. It was sweet how he appeared to be tough and unbreakable and yet a few minutes with his brother clearly showed me that he's nothing like that and that my whole first impression is completely wrong.

Unfortunately, I couldn't keep observing them, because in a minute Jenna went out the door with a confused expression on her face. She smiled at me and urged me to keep going. As I was passing by Stefan, who has just agreed to buy candies, he diverted his look and for a moment we exchanged yet another tired glance. Judging by the fast pace my aunt had, he concluded that I was going to have a hard ride back home so he moved his lips and very silently whispered "Good luck", while his brother was still hugging him and playing with the collar of his shirt. I smiled and nodded thankfully as I found myself turning around a few times while walking down the hallway.

_**A/N: Hey, guys! This is a story I came up with recently and I thought I should try and post it. I know it seems a bit dark and that for now things are a somehow unclear, but as chapters go on, you'll get to know more about both Stefan and Elena. I know that Damon being the younger brother is a bit unlikely and strange, but I hope you still do enjoy it. For those of you who were so disappointed in me about The Greatest thing, I am sorry once again and I hope you do like this one. I would very much appreciate your reviews and opinions on this so that I could figure if I should continue with it or not. Hope you like it.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Stefan's POV**

_I'm standing on the rooftop all alone. It's night and the wind is gently moving everything around me, including my t-shirt and my hair, which is in a desperate need of a haircut. I'm not observing everything around me, I'm simply with my eyes closed, listening to what is going on. When people get up on some high building or just have the opportunity to observe the world from above, they can't seem to be able to do anything else, but look down at what they have created with their own hands-houses, streets, statues in other words-everything insignificant. And I hate that, I think it's stupid, because it's like looking down at your feet all the time while walking on the street. I prefer to look up, to see what's above that bubble we so comfortably live in. I prefer the sky, the clouds, the fields and woods in the background-everything that is still good and genuine, not touched by our stupidity. I open my eyes as I hear his deep voice behind me._

"_You won't do something stupid now, right Stefan?" a voice I haven't heard in years and yet it seems like only yesterday when he was yelling at me to stop swinging so fast cause I'll fall. But he knows what's on my mind and I know exactly what I want to do, yet I'm prolonging the moment, thinking that I'll hear him say something yet again, but he doesn't and I don't turn around, because I'm not sure I'll see anyone. Or maybe it's, because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed of myself to do so after everything that has happened. After a few minutes pass, I look down at my own feet and stretch them up a bit. It feels good to be so high-there's not ground beyond you, nothing can stop you, nothing can make you feel secure. It's nice to just swing your legs and feel nothing but the wind slightly tickling you here in there. I almost want to laugh like a child , but I stop myself, suddenly feeling this hole inside me, that emptiness that never goes away and I look up at the sky again, trying to find something to fill it with. I'm not a child, not anymore. _

"_Don't do it." I hear the voice behind me again as he has obviously noticed that I'm standing on the edge of the roof, feeling almost ready to let go of everything that's still keeping me here. I sigh and shrug my shoulders, as if someone has just told me a stupid joke and I'm once again tired of the human's screwed up nature. The wind has stopped it's genuine childish play and it's suddenly too quiet around us. I have this desperate urge to just get this feeling of what it's like to fly, inside me again, but I'm not letting go, not yet, because I know he's still behind me, I can feel him, but I don't turn around to see him, because that's the last thing on earth I want to do. _

"_Why not?" I ask stupidly, stubbornly, in a manner in which you would think I need some kind of persuasion to just stop, to find something to hold on to for yet another hour, for yet another day. But the truth is that I'm not looking for anything like that and no matter what he says, I still will do what I want to do. I'm just prolonging the moment, I know he won't stop me, he doesn't have the power to. I'm just curious as to what he'll answer. He remains silent however, maybe he's thinking which are the right words he could use now or at least I like to believe so. When too much time passes, without him even letting a sigh out, shake my head and look down at my legs, which I'm no longer swinging playfully. _

_I feel my hands slipping away, not because they are sweaty, but because I'm letting myself go. And then it feels as if I'm flying, not falling._

I feel someone's hand on my shoulder and almost jump out of bed. With my eyes still closed I search for the intruded with my free hand, only to find Damon's small palm on my shoulder. I sigh and hurry to move away from him, because the only thing I want to do is sleep, but he's faster and catches a few of my fingers so he could start pulling me towards him.

"Stefaaaaan! Come on, momma wants you up!" he says with a fed up voice, I'm guessing he's been trying to wake me up for a while and he knows how mad I am going to be in just a minute. Until then, however, I move uncomfortably and cover my head with the blanket, trying to hide from him. I feel how wet my T-shirt is and I am suddenly reminded of my dream. I'm trying to push the thoughts away from my head, I don't want to think about this. It's been the third time in a week I had this awful dream and I mentally swear myself for staying up so late last night. Then again, I don't remember being able to get some normal sleep in probably more than a year and a half. "Stefan!" my brother keeps pushing me and when I don't respond in any way, I feel him climbing up my bed and removing the blanket away.

"Get the hell out of here, Damon." I curse him with a hoarse voice. "I want to sleep."

"No, you can't." he says again stubbornly and leans closer to me.

He smells like pancakes, which makes me believe mom has made him some and for a moment, I really feel the desire to get up and have some, but then again I remember how good and warm my bed is and how I hate the cold small kitchen and how I don't want to face mother so early in the morning. I only let a grunt out, trying to tell Damon to get out, before I've got angry, but instead he sits on my back, then for a moment loses his balance and ends up right next to me. I can feel him, even if my eyes are not open.

That's the thing with Damon-I love him. He's the best thing in my life right now. Actually, the only good thing that's ever happened in my life and he's what keeps me afloat, though at certain moments of my miserable existence even he wasn't enough. Mom liked to keep him near me, she thought that I would never do something stupid when he's around and she was right, but sometimes I liked to be alone while he on the other hand loved to spend as much time as he could with me. Sometimes he refused going out to the park and playing with his friends just to be home with me and even though I was so grumpy with him and cut him off all the time, he never showed me anything but love. Despite the fact that mom thought it was good for me to be with my brother, I believed it could have the opposite effect on him. I wasn't a very good brother and he surely shouldn't be spending so much time around my depressed sad stupid teenage every day. He's a child-he has to run around, drive us crazy, feel free and loved. And that was the reason I avoided staying at home so much- I went outside, wandered around the streets or spent too much time in the library since I loved reading. I actually I think, I should use a stronger verb than love, but I can't figure one right now.

I also like collecting quotes. Sometimes I write them, sometimes I just remember them and rethink the whole message they carry with themselves late at night when I can't find anything better to help me fall asleep. My psychiatrist Meredith, usually asks me to tell some in front of the group, because she knows that I rarely agree to talk about myself and she's in desperate need to get at least some words out of me, even if they are not mine at all. I'm guessing that she tries to determine my emotional condition by the quote I tell her, which is pretty stupid, but I don't really care what she thinks, I just keep remembering such stuff, because I'm desperately trying to forget about all the horrible things that has happened to me.

I feel Damon's hand on my shoulder again.

"Stefan." he sounds a bit disappointed now and I open my eyes, which make him smile, but I hurry to furrow my eyebrows and show him how mad I am.

"Damon, how many times have I told you to not wake me up!" I said seriously, but he wasn't even slightly disturbed by my behavior. He is very used to me being like that and he never gets mad at me for acting like I do. Of course, sometimes he gets a bit disappointed, but that's only when he can't get what he wants…which as I now think about, is not that of a rare occasion.

"But momma said to wake you up."

"Well, tell _momma_" I emphasized on the last word and used his childish voice to say it "that I'm not going to."

"She said you would say that too, so she added that she'll come and drag you out if you don't get up yourself." Damon warned with a serious voice, as if he was begging me to just do what I'm told, but I never did so and because he saw how relentless I was, he also tried to be like me and that caused mom troubles. There were times when he refused to do something the teachers told him and then they called at home and told how naughty he's been and mom blamed me for him acting like this. She said I was too rebellious and sarcastic sometimes and that I should be teaching him to act properly instead of showing him all the wrong stuff. As I think about it now, maybe that's the only reason she agrees to take care of him herself when I protest that I have something to do.

"Good, let her do that." I tell him and he obviously gives up. I hear him running towards the kitchen and explaining something to mother, so in a minute she's already yelling from the kitchen.

"Stefan Salvatore, get up, right now!" I unwillingly stand up after five minutes of prolonging, just before she has decided to yell yet again and wipe the smile off my face as I suddenly feel this hole inside me, the one that's with me all the time announce its presence again and I slowly get out of the room still with my pajama on. As soon as mom sees me, she gives me a judging look- she hates it when I'm being stubborn and not listening to her. I take my coffee and go outside on the balcony under her disapproving stare. It's what I usually do- I like to slowly wake up while observing everything outside. She's usually nervously peeking up from the kitchen window, because she hates it when I'm doing this. I'm guessing she's afraid that I'll do something stupid again, which is why she sends Damon to nag me, while I'm peacefully trying to drink my coffee. I usually cut him off and he goes back in, which is what I also do now and let a deep tired sigh out as I ran my hands through my hair and remember yet again the dream I had.

"You've sweated." she states "Did you have a bad dream again?" I hear her voice behind as she's stepping out of the kitchen and getting on the balcony next to me. I can distinguish the TV from here-Damon is watching cartoons again, which meant she ordered him to sit peacefully on the couch and stay put and that is exactly what he won't do. For a moment, I wish I could be a kid just like him and not have a care in the world, but then again I remember that our family is not exactly completely right with such a fucked up person like me and I take all my wishes back. I've seen my brother being sad sometimes, especially after certain things went down and there were moments when he asked me such simple questions as _Why are you like this all the time?_, to which I couldn't find an answer, no matter how hard I tried to.

"No." I cut her off and avoided her look. She knew I was probably lying, but she didn't make any attempt to go on because she was well aware that I would keep denying.

"You'll take care of Damon today, I have to go to work." she says, still standing on the door post, not willing to go outside or join me, but she's close to me and the air was filled with this determination she always preserved in her. Every time I was around her, I felt like someone's about to kick my ass and yet I stopped obeying her a long time ago.

"But it's Saturday!" I protested, only to meet her angry and disappointed look and come back at staring down at the cup in my hands, which is too warm, but I don't really mind. I like warm, it helps me forget about that awful coldness inside me.

"Well, I have something to do, so you have to watch him until I come back." she says in a tone, which implies that I simply don't have a choice "You have a meeting with the support group later anyway so I won't be long."

"Ugh, I wanted to go to the library." I say, trying to show her how frustrated I am right now, but she's obviously not paying attention to my words at all.

"You are not talking again." she stated knowingly.

"Well, I'm not supposed to talk in a library, mom." I say and she lets a deep annoyed sigh out as if she has to deal with an even younger kid than Damon and she just doesn't have the strength to do so.

"Don't be a smartass, Stefan." she says knowingly and finally sits on the small wooden bench besides me. I'm not looking at her though, my eyes are pierced in the distance, somewhere far from here, exactly where I wish I could be right now. "I talked to Fell, she said you're not letting a word out during the sessions."

"Well, that's a definitive lie." I opposed, trying to sound serious while she gently rubbed her forehead, trying to find more strength and patience in her to deal with me.

"Okay, you're not talking about yourself then." she decided to try yet again.

"Well, you know I get shy when I have to-"

"Stop it, Stefan. I'm serious." she cuts me off a bit too abruptly and I finally turn towards her, only to see how angry she is, even though there are tears in her eyes, which show her desperation "Don't turn everything into a joke! She says you have to start talking or else you won't get better at all." she knew I wouldn't oppose her right now. I never usually did when it came to that, because if I decided to do so it turned into a world war in which we constantly yelled at each other and right now Damon was inside and even with the TV on, I'm sure he would still be able to hear us

"What if I don't want to get better?" I state silently, barely audible, but I'm fully aware of the fact that she can hear me. For a moment she remains silent, obviously stunned by my words, she surely expected me to say anything else but that. She's never heard me say it before and I'm sure she would be pretty terrified if she could count all the times I've said this sentence in my mind and how much it scared me sometimes, especially at night. I don't look at her, I don't want to. For a first time in a very long period, I am afraid to do so, which is very surprising for me, because I argue with her all the time, without even feeling guilty about it.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and for a moment before I push her away, I feel her warmth and I am brought years back when I used to be just a kid and she would hug me all the time. However, I don't let this get to me and I hurry to move away and take another sip from my coffee as I also manage to distinguish Damon's little footsteps approaching us and in a minute he's already on the balcony, right next to me, where mother used to be not so long ago. I take a look at her, but she still seems to be having a hard time finding the words she wants to tell me.

"Momma, what's going on?" he asks as he sees her disturbed face and then looks back at me confused, wondering what is this all about.

"Nothing, sweetheart." she answers him with a big smile and he relaxes a bit. The next thing he does is start climbing on my back. I couldn't figure out why he liked this so much, but he never seemed to be fed up with it. "Easy there, you'll tear your brother's shirt!" she warns him and he gives her an apologetic smile behind my back.

"Get off me, you annoying little monkey!"

"I woooon't" he responds happily and continues to move behind me, trying to find himself a place on my back. When he does, he puts his hands on my shoulder and yells "Come on, horsy, get up!"

"Damon, I am not a horse." I state grumpily, just as mother stands up, still frowning at me.

"Fell prescribed you new pills and I'll buy them when I go out, so you can start taking them tonight." I grunted annoyed, but didn't say a word anyway. There was no point in pills, they never help you get better. Those antidepressants only prevent me even more from getting sleep, because they are supposed to cheer me up and make me love my life again. Mom thinks that when I drink them, I'll somehow get back to being happy, but I won't. In the beginning I really took them, but lately I just flush them down the toilet, feeling a little guilty because I know they are quite expensive. Though price doesn't matter for mom. She just wants to fix me and she can't believe it's been such a long time since I was that happy, obedient boy, who had no idea what the word depression even means.

"Momma, are you going somewhere?" Damon asked confused, worry evident in his voice.

"Yes, Stefan will watch you while I'm gone." he yelled from happiness while I continued staring at the nothingness above me, feeling his weight on my back and his warm breath in my neck. "You go get ready now, he'll take you outside."

"No, I won't." I protested and mother crossed her hands on her chest, with which she was trying to show me how mad she already was and how she couldn't stand any more of my stubbornness. "Fine, fine, I will."

"Glad you changed your mind." she said as she got inside. I urged Damon to get ready, while I looked for my own clean shirts and found another black one. I liked wearing black, though mom always said it make me look too dark and she always gave me this angry face every time she saw me putting whatever black on.

I heard her and Damon arguing in the kitchen, he was protesting that he wants to wear his Captain America T-shit, which was by now so old and full of holes, mainly on the sleeves and the collar that it couldn't be used for anything. Damon, however, was refusing to let go of it and a few weeks back when mom has tossed it in the garbage, I took it out, washed it and even tried to sew the biggest holes myself, not very successfully to be honest, but at least it was something. When Damon got home and couldn't find it, he started asking mom what happened and by the time I got to the kitchen with the shirt in my hand, he was already crying out loud while mom was scolding him pretty hard. When he finally saw me, he jumped off the chair and hugged me so tight that I really had problems catching my breath later. He must've said he loved me at least fifty times while mom was helplessly shaking her head in the background, but with a light smile on her face. However, I was planning on buying him a new one and I better do it soon, because this thing was far away from resembling a T-shirt anymore. Damon also had this bad habit of coming to my room and putting my own shirts on. It was fun for him since they were too big and it made him feel as if he's a grown-up. He was a kid and he wanted to look like his big brother, which was a pain in the ass for mother as he was lately too fond of the color black and she claimed that she just can't deal with both of us anymore.

Anyway, I went to the kitchen and urged him to get going by whispering in his ear that I'll buy him ice cream which of course made him run immediately towards the door. Mom kissed him on the head goodbye and reminded me once again how I have a meeting later, which was a bigger pain in my ass than a constantly jumping on my back Damon.

We took down the street and when we turned around the corner, near the candy shop, I was surprised by Damon's lack of nagging about how I must buy him something. I looked down at him and noticed how lost in his thoughts he was, which was very unusual for him. I didn't like to pressure him, though, I knew he would tell me whatever he wants to himself and I was as usually right when I heard his childish voice disturb the silence between us.

"Stefan, do I look good today?" he suddenly stopped and looked at himself for a moment and then pierced his blue eyes in me expectantly.

"Yeah, sure." I reassured him while furrowing my eyebrows a bit. Why was he suddenly so worried about that? "Why on earth are you even thinking about that?"

He blushed and looked down at his feet, then tugged my jeans as he urged me to keep going towards the park.

"There's this girl" he said in a few minutes, still blushing harshly "Her name is Katherine."

"Let me guess" I stated with my usual grumpy voice, but still with a big smile on my face as I simply was feeling where this was going "You like her."

He blushed even more and nodded eagerly. His big blue eyes filled with so much emotions that it was hard for me to pin point if he was impatient to see her or if he was nervous. He surely was still a bit uncomfortable talking about it, but when he saw that I was up to talking he felt a bit more reassured.

"Well, I don't know if I like her…I just.." he was struggling with words so much that it made me want to laugh, but I composed myself on time, just when he decided to keep going "She's so bright and always smiling and every time I see her my heart goes like…" he scratched the back of his head as he was trying to come up with a good description "Like you know Bugs Bunny and the way his own heart goes out of his chest in those episodes when he saw the beautiful lady bunny?"

"Yes, Damon," I chuckled, but he wasn't upset with me "I know it." I gave him a big smile again and he tightened his grip in appreciation of the fact that I was really understanding him.

"Well, my heart goes like this as well."

"So..are you trying to charm her with your gentleman manners?" I asked curiously and he nodded, again very eagerly, but with a sadder expression.

"I am, but it's hard." I gave him a confusing look "All the boys like her" he continued with the same desperate voice "She rarely gets impressed." I thought a little on what he was saying. It seemed as if he really wanted to make himself noticed and I wanted to do something for him, because that's the thing with Damon-every time I am sad, he gets sad as well. There are days when I'm unwilling to get out of bed and I just stare at the ceiling doing nothing. Those days scare mother, they make her extremely desperate, but most of all helpless-she feels like she can't do anything to change me and..she really can't. Usually that happens every once in three-four months, but the last few times were more often and it scared her. I knew it did, because I could hear her cry in her room sometimes, after my little brother is already asleep and the whole house is completely silent. In those moments Damon figures out that I'm not up to doing anything and he gets confused as to what is wrong with me. I hear him ask mom if I am sick and she simply can't find an answer to give him, which makes it even harder so after some time he stopped asking and just came and lie next to me on the bed. Sometimes he talked to me and didn't even expect me to answer, other times he just lied there and turned on the TV so he could watch cartoons and chuckle every once in a while, which made me feel a whole lot better.

So right now I felt like I owe him for being such an asshole all the time, for cutting him off and acting grumpy, because he was just a child and he still had those hopes and dreams about the world and how beautiful it could be-hopes, I've lost a long time ago. I was running out of ideas though, I couldn't figure what to do and just as I was passing by an old man selling balloons did I stop abruptly and smiled to myself as I let a relived sigh out. Damon looked up at me confused, but I only gently squeezed his hand, which meant he had to trust me and picked up a nice red balloon with some girlish cartoon characters drawn on it. Damon figured out what I've done and yelled out from happiness, then ran towards the park, suddenly feeling confident in himself. Once we were there and he spotted her, I took him to the nearest bench, fixed his hair a bit and made sure he holds the balloon tightly.

"Now, when you go to her you kiss her hand, compliment her on how good she looks today and give her the balloon" I started instructing him while he listened carefully "Then you carefully tie it on her wrist so that she doesn't lose it okay?" he nodded and watched me patiently showing him what he should do. Then he suddenly stopped and sat beside me, feeling obviously a bit nervous, which made me smile to myself. "Don't chicken, Damon. Just go do it."

"What if she doesn't like it?" he asked, fear evident in his voice "I'm not sure red is her color."

"It is. You're saying she's a bold one and girls like her like bright colors." he still seemed a bit confused. I'm not sure he completely understood my words, but he nodded anyway, because he couldn't figure what else to say. I urged him to get going and comfortably leaned back on the bench, observing carefully how he approaches a girl with a long brown hair, a really nice red dress, which made me smile even more, because I've picked the right color and a very nice doll in her hands. Damon was right-she was surrounded by a bunch of boys, each and every one of them trying to tell her something just to get her attention. As soon as Damon approached her, however and did exactly what I told him to, she covered her mouth with her small palm and looked at him extremely surprised. Then she asked him something and he blushed, but she didn't hesitate to take his hand and lead him to the swings. He helped her get up and she obviously asked him to help her swing so he carefully pushed back and forth while she started giggling from joy. This girl-she seemed like the devil in disguise. I could tell how she would turn out in twenty years and I'm sure I won't be even slightly mistaken, but if he enjoyed her company then I was more than glad to assist him in this..whatever it could be between six-year-olds. I always felt protective of him, no matter what was going on and I'm sure that won't change anytime soon. I was fully-aware that this was just a childish innocent game and yet it was more true and real than anything I've seen in my life lately.

I continued to silently observe them, I never let Damon out of my sight. By the time we were supposed to go, I watched Katherine give him a kiss on the cheek. He blushed and was so stunned that he didn't say a word out on our way to meeting mother. Then at some point he started jumping around me and yelling how Katherine Pierce kissed him while I grumpily told him to calm down. The hole inside me was less noticeable when I observed his genuine joy and I only wished that I could share this moment with him, be happy as he was, but I couldn't and what scared me most was that I might never be able to do so.

When we met mom and she took him away he became sad, because he didn't want us to part. She made sure to remind me that I behave this time and I could see how upset she still was from our morning conversation. I cursed myself for saying those words out loud, I didn't want to make her worry, but then again, she was worrying all the time anyway. I think anyone would worry if their son tried to kill himself twice.

On the way to the meeting I thought about this new girl who appeared last time. She seemed different from all the other kids. There was something sad in her, but a different kind of sad, like she's just been ripped apart and it was impossible to get herself together anymore. I had no idea what her story was, not yet, but I'm sure that today Meredith would press the matter deep, even if that's not what the girl wants. When I saw in her eyes I was stunned -I swear I could say that she felt the same enormous emptiness that I had inside me. I don't know why I felt so sure about this, but my guts told me I can't be wrong.

By the time I got inside, they've already started and it was very unusual for me to be late, which is why Meredith gave me a surprised look-I'm guessing she thought I won't come at all. It seemed as if she has already started discussing some issues and when I finally settled down, on the same chair I always did, opposite of the girl with the brown hair and the beautiful empty doe eyes, I realized that the doctor was trying to talk to no one else but her. My intentions to stop paying attention has suddenly disappeared and I leaned back on the chair, listening careful to what they were talking ..or more like, trying to talk about. Elena didn't seem to be very eager to start sharing, not with that many people around her, though actually today our group was lacking about four members and the usual desperation that filled the air around us wasn't suffocating me so much this time. I looked at the empty chair besides me and the coldness, that was always present deep inside suddenly made me more tense than usually as I remembered than only six months ago the kid who was sitting there was still alive. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thought of the biggest failure in doctor Meredith Fell's career, because it affected me personally, and tried to focus on the conversation she was now having with Elena.

The thing with Meredith is that she knows everything there is about you before she takes your case and starts trying to help you and yet again she has absolutely no idea what's really going on inside you. She diagnoses you, gives you pills and starts trying to figure out how to help you and she does that by asking you questions, trying to make you talk about everything that's happened. But just like me, Elena didn't seem eager to talk at all. What I managed to understand about her was that her parents died in a car accident recently and that she was with them when it happened, but she managed to survive, which is probably what was torturing her right now.

"Why did you do it?" Meredith was trying to understand why she wanted to kill herself and Elena was looking down nervously at her feet, her hands were slightly trembling. I didn't even once looked away from her and I wished she could move her head up and see me so she could feel a little bit more relaxed, but instead she looked back at the doctor. I couldn't figure out what it was about this girl that made me want to…talk to her, to keep an eye on her as we were standing in this goddamn room. Deep inside I felt as if we're going through the same thing, but I couldn't really be sure as I didn't know much about her. She seemed so beautiful, the way her hair fell down her shoulders was making her look so innocent and childishly naïve that it almost made me want to smile. Her face was pale, however and there were big circles under her eyes which meant she wasn't sleeping at all, just like me. She seemed tired, but not that kind of tired that you get from working too much-she was feeling tired from living.

"I didn't really mean to do it" she silently let out after some time, her head bowed down again. I let a sight out and didn't realize that Meredith was looking at me already when I spoke up.

"Sure you did." I said silently and moved up a bit while rubbing the back of my head and cursing myself for talking already. Elena looked up at me surprised and furrowed her eyebrows as she finally let my words sink in.

"Stefan" Meredith looked at me expectantly. She was glad I was talking and I noticed the light smile she gave me-she was happy with herself when in fact she hasn't done absolutely anything. It's been almost a year I was in this group and I still felt the same as I did the first day I got here, if not worse. "Want to share your opinion?" I didn't pay much attention to her, I just go back to Elena and our eyes met once again.

"You knew what you were doing" I started and she crossed her arms on her chest, obviously getting more mad at me with every passing minute. "You were absolutely aware of it. But you did it anyway, because that was the only way out." I really felt bad for her. After all, she lost her parents just recently and the sadness in her eyes could make a person cry. I knew this sadness, I knew this emptiness. I felt like this every night I lied down in my bed-it was that inevitable weight in your chest that just pressured you to the point when you couldn't breathe and you're thinking how you're not even desperate to try anymore, you feel like giving up, but you're still alive and you can't do anything to change it. The worst part is that you're completely aware of the fact that you're drowning in your own misery and despair and that you are awake. You just can't fall asleep, no matter how hard you try. You just lie there and let it in. After some time you stop fighting it, you just accept it and embrace it. Though, judging by her look she was still trying to fight it and that was good, because it meant that she still wasn't as lost as I was. Right now she seemed so stunned by my words that she couldn't compose herself and figure out an answer "Hell, it might still be the only way out. But you're denying it, you are desperate to make everyone else believe that you didn't want to do it." then I turned to Meredith, she wasn't that happy with herself anymore, she was serious "There, I just saved you the next twenty minutes." I added with a completely different voice right now, implying that I'm back to not giving a damn about what was going in this room. They both looked at me for a moment, still trying to process what I've said until Meredith cleared her throat and started talking about something else.

I avoided her look for the rest of the time we had, but I could feel her staring at me intensely. I closed my eyes as I suddenly felt so tired that I just wanted to get some rest, but I was only reminded of the dream I had earlier this morning and I suddenly lost all will for sleeping. I sighed and buried my hand in my hair with my last strength.

I didn't want to be here.

_**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and the follows! It means a lot. I'm sorry that there isn't much Stelena in this chapter, I honestly didn't intend to write it so long, I just wanted to let you in Stefan's life some more. I'll make it up for the lack of Stelena in the next update. Feel free to ask if you have any questions and I'll try to answer them as best as I can. **_


	3. Chapter 3

**Elena's POV**

There's something so different about this boy that I can't really even begin to think exactly what must be going on inside his head. Ever since he interrupted me and told me that I was completely aware of my actions, I've been staring at him, trying to get what he must be like and why on earth was he so ruined? At first, I was so mad that he said those stuff. I mean who the hell did he think he was? How dare he say what I felt when he didn't even know me? He couldn't just go around people and judge them like this, tell them how wrong they were. I was having a really bad day to begin with-first I fought with Jenna at home, because I went out and broke the rules of my grounding, then I came here and Meredith started asking me questions I didn't have the answers to. She dug deeper into my parents death and the only thing she achieved from doing so is made me feel even worse than I already did. This subject what opening a wound inside me every time someone started trying to get something out of me about that. How come no one wanted to just understand that I didn't want to talk. I wanted to forget.

When Stefan came in later than us all, I thought that Meredith will just get off my back and turn towards him since as we all knew he wasn't talking and she was desperately trying to change that, but instead of paying him the necessary attention, she continued torturing me until he himself intervened. I'm sure that she was as much surprised when he spoke up as all of us were. I couldn't figure why he was so bend on talking when it came to me and even though I was extremely mad at his words, I realized that he was right-I was absolutely aware of what I was doing and because he was right I was so mad. I didn't like when someone could see through me like this, it made me feel even more vulnerable than I already was, but the thing is that he didn't sound mean or cocky-he sounded sad as he spoke those words to me. There was this pain in his voice-pain, which was very familiar to me and I kept wondering till the end of the session how did he know so well my feelings back than at this moment and I realized that he must have gone through the same, or at least that's the only thought that made sense. I had no idea why he was here in the first place-I couldn't figure if he had problems in his family like some of the other boys or if he just wasn't fitting in or if something terrible has happened to him—I had no clue, but the one thing I was completely sure of, was that his case was pretty serious. Just by the look on Meredith's eyes I could tell that and moreover-she seemed determined to do something, but not that kind of stubborn determination that you get when you want to achieve something great, but the kind of one that is desperate to save the situation. He looked like a completely wrecked person-his whole posture screamed with desperation, he was walking slowly, a little bent down, there were big dark circles under his eyes and a very tired expression on his face. Honestly-I thought that I look bad, but when I saw him today I asked myself how he's really standing on his feet. At some point, by the end of the session he looked back up at me, he dared to meet my stare and he smiled sadly, apologetically. He probably tried to say that he was sorry he interrupted me, but that moment lasted no more than a short minute and he hurried to look away. I noticed him staring at the empty seat beside him-he seemed concentrated, as if he was remembering something, which however didn't seem to be exactly a happy thing.

I shook my head and tried to pay attention to Meredith's words-I couldn't figure out why I was so bend on observing this boy-a person who I didn't know and who interrupted me abruptly, only to make accusations about how I really wanted to kill myself. I had enough troubles in my life as it was and I was supposed to focus on fixing that, not thinking of broken people, who were barely holding themselves alive. I had problems at home, I was barely talking to Jeremy since I was still mad at him for backing Jenna up about this whole stupid group thing. Then again, I had to go back to school this week, even though I wasn't eager to do so at all and the only person I actually talked to there was my friend Bonnie and even she could figure that there was something wrong, but she couldn't say what it was exactly. I never told her that I tried to kill myself, because…well I was ashamed to do so. I wasn't even ready to admit what I've done to myself, let alone try and share it with someone else. She was the only one there who was backing me up and helping me with everything, even though sometimes I yelled at her out of nowhere or acted like I wasn't the person she grew up with. She was wondering what was going on, but she didn't question me or pressured me in any way-she was trying to do her best, even though I could see how hard I was making it for her. I have no idea how I would repay her one day.

My thoughts were interrupted by Meredith who was finally dismissing us. I stood up eagerly, ready to go, though by the time I was realizing what was going on, most of the people were already gone. When I turned to the door I noticed Stefan approaching it himself and I headed towards him with a slowly pace as I actually felt this urge inside me to talk to him, but Meredith's voice who echoed through the empty room made me turn turn around abruptly.

"Elena! Stefan!-" he called us both and I noticed Stefan furrowing his eyebrows at the sound of his name "Can I have a word, please?" I almost wanted to laugh when both me and him let a deep annoyed sigh out at the same time.

"What is it, doc?" Stefan asked as he approached me and we stood only a few feet away from Meredith "I thought you had my number." he winked playfully, once again showing how he doesn't give a damn about what she has to say. Meredith was really serious, though and she didn't pay any attention to his words at all.

"I would like you two to come again here on Monday." she started

"But I thought the group sessions are only today?" I interrupted her before she could have the chance to continue. I noticed Stefan tensing next to me-he wasn't finding it funny anymore.

"They are" she nodded slowly "And you would still attend them, but I think it's better if I work some extra with you two." Stefan let a pretend laugh out once she spoke up the sentence and helplessly threw his hands in the air, while I kept staring at the doctor intensely. I couldn't figure out why she needed this, though the boy next to me seemed to have understood what was it all about as he shook his head knowingly.

"What?" my voice cracked "But why?"

"Because you two are the only people, who are not talking and not making any progress and I would like to have some more time with you and work on you getting better." she explained calmly as she stood up with a bunch of folders in her hands and approached us.

"I'm not sure my aunt can afford this. We have a lot of expenses lately." I started saying with uncertainty, trying to find a way out of this. What was this all about? I barely stood up here for an hour and now they wanted me to have another session? No way in hell I'm doing this.

"Yeah, my mother can't keep spending all her money on this as well" Stefan said for the first time seriously "She's giving enough as it is for those stupid pills."

"I'm not going to charge you." Meredith said as she gave us an understanding look "I already talked to your parents and they agreed that you could use this."

"Jeez, doc, stop fooling us around" Stefan started with a silent hoarse voice "Elena here might be new, but I know why you're doing this."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, but he didn't turn towards me, his eyes were pierced in Meredith's, trying to show her that he's not even slightly disturbed by her. He knew where he was standing with this and even though he seemed like he's completely broken, right now he was giving her a knowing look-there was something here that I was missing.

"I'm not coming on Monday" he stated seriously, still not paying attention to me, then he turned around and headed to the door, now with a faster than his usual pace. I looked back at forth between him and Meredith, who was now watching him with a worried expression as he opened the door and disappeared into the hallway. Then she turned back towards me and asked me to be here on Monday after school, but I just shook my head, trying to show her that like Stefan, I had no intentions of doing so and hurried to go outside, because I wanted to catch up with him.

This boy was surely walking fast, because when I went outside he was already crossing the parking lot. There wasn't a single car out there, which meant that Jenna was late and I thanked God for that, even though the sky above us was getting darker and darker with every passing minute and I could already feel a few drops coming down. The wind was playing with my hair and I usually enjoyed it, but right now it only frustrated me more, because I was running, trying to catch up with him.

"Stefan! Hey!" he turned around surprised by my voice, but stopped and waited up for me. "Please, I need to know what you meant." I blabbed out once I get next to him. He only smiled and shook his head, trying to show me that he doesn't want to talk about it at all, but I caught his wrist and turned before him, preventing him from going any further. I was surprised by my own actions and he seemed a bit stunned for a moment that I dared to do this, but that lasted less than a few second and he composed himself fast "I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me." I said, determination evident in my voice. A minute before I let go of his hand I realized how cold it was and it even made me shiver, though I wasn't sure if that was from the wind or from our touch. He let a small laugh out.

"Damn, you're stubborn." he moved away from me and then looked up at the sky just as it started to rain more heavily. He didn't seem even slightly disturbed by it-on the contrary, he closed his eyes and let the teardrops cover his face, then he bowed his head down and shook it so he could remove the water from his hair. For a moment, I think he has completely forgotten about me, but then he opened his eyes "Fine, let's go." he said with the same silent voice which he used to talk to Meredith. I'm starting to think that he sounds like this all the time-that deep sadness just can't seem to let him go.

"Go where?" I asked confused, but followed him as I was silently praying that Jenna doesn't come up out of nowhere right now. "It's raining."

"Afraid you'll melt?" he asked, sarcasm evident in his voice, but took the black sweater he was holding in his hand and covered up my shoulders with it. I was surprised by his actions and gave him an appreciating smile, though he only nodded sadly in return and took off, with me barely keeping up with him.

We didn't really talk on our way to..wherever it was he was taking me, but I started worrying a bit, asking myself why am I even following this boy when I had no idea who he was? For a moment I got a bit scared, but then hurried to get rid of those thoughts-he wasn't a bad person, I could feel it. He was just broken, he would do me no harm. I watched as his back went completely wet-water was falling down his face and he was already breathing a bit heavily, but he wasn't walking any faster than usually. Finally, as we made just another turn down the street he stopped and nodded me towards the entrance of a small diner. I've not been in this part of town in such a long time that I felt as if I'm in a whole different place. He opened the door for me and I hurried to get inside while he followed leaving a wet trace behind him.

"You're soaking wet." I stated and he gave me another smile as he approached the bar behind which one of the waitresses was standing and fixing the coffee machine, frustration evident on her face. She didn't pay us much attention, she just threw us a fast glance and got back to doing her thing.

"That's what happens if you stay outside when it rains." Stefan stated knowingly and looked up at me, trying to figure if I was as wet as he was, but for now, I was relatively okay as on our way here he was making sure that I walk on the dry side, under the roofs of the shops or houses we were passing by. He approached the waitress and cleared his throat, trying to announce his presence. She looked up at him annoyed that she was interrupted.

"Hello." he greeted her with a calm voice even though she seemed as if she's ready to jump on him from frustration "Is William Grant here?"

"Yeah, he's back at the kitchen. Working" the girl announced with a harsh voice as I was wondering why on earth was Stefan asking for this person. My initial thoughts that we went here just because he wanted to find a place to hide from the rain turned out to be all wrong-he came here on purpose.

"Can you tell him that Stefan Salvatore came by to say hi." the girl nodded unwillingly and turned around abruptly, only to disappear behind one of the doors on our left, which seemed to be leading to a kitchen. He smiled and nodded me towards one of the tables in the corner, away from the few people who were still here on a Saturday afternoon.

"Why are we here?" I asked still extremely confused as I sat on the opposite side of him while he was still trying to get rid of the water in his hair and clear his face as best as he could, though he was extremely wet, but he didn't even tremble for the cold. He just leaned down on the back of the chair tiredly.

"God, you are impatient" he stated and let a sigh out as he ran his fingers through his wet hair once again. "You said you wanted to know what I meant, right?" I nodded and he looked down at his hands, obviously thinking about something, wondering if I was worth sharing this with and then he moved his right hand and started rolling up the sleeve of his black T-shirt. At first I gave him a confused look, but then I realized that he was trying to show me something-there was a tattoo on his arm-two big letters on it _J.G_, which were probably someone's initials as there were also two years under it-1994-2012 that I assumed marked the beginning and the end of a person's life. I started at it for a moment and then moved my look up at him as he rolled the sleeve down.

"Who is that?" I asked again, clearly confused as he shook his head, trying to deal with my impatience "What does this stand for?"

"That is Meredith Fell's biggest failure." he stated seriously and I gave him an even more confused glance, but he didn't keep his green eyes long on me, instead he looked up, obviously observing someone else behind my back and stood slowly up, with a smile on his face. When I turned around, to see who has attracted his attention, I noticed a man in his fifties, with a tired expression and sad brown eyes approaching us. He was tall, with white short hair, his hands above his wrist were covered in flour, but he smiled widely as he saw Stefan, stretched his big arms and instead of shaking Stefan's hand he pulled him in for a hug and patted the his back a few times as he closed his eyes, trying to hide the tears in them. I was clearly stunned by everything that was going on here, I couldn't figure out why Stefan has brought me here and what he meant by this biggest failure, but right now that wasn't even slightly important, because what was happening before me was quite heartbreaking and it made me even feel bad for pressuring Stefan into talking so much about this as there was more to the story than I thought in the beginning. When the man let go of Stefan he put his hands on his shoulders and looked at him for a while-he seemed to care for him and he obviously hasn't seen him recently because he was staring at him from top to bottom, trying to figure how much the boy before him has changed.

"You're even thinner than before!" he finally let out and Stefan smiled apologetically as he bowed his head down nervously "How are you doing, son?" he asked as he finally let go of him and looked around only to notice me. "I see you brought company." he mumbled with his deep voice and gave a smile.

"This is Elena" Stefan introduced me "She's a the newest member of the support group." he said without hesitation, obviously the man was familiar with the fact that Stefan has problems. I still couldn't figure out how they knew each other.

"Nice to meet you, Elena" he said and I shook his warm hand as I tried to smile as well. Then he turned back towards Stefan, now with a little worried expression, but didn't make any attempt so sit next to us, it seemed as if he was busy. "Are you better?"

"Yeah" Stefan nodded a bit too eagerly with a wide smile on his face. He was trying a bit too hard if you ask me, but the man didn't seem to notice "I'm doing great." he continued lying and the man let a relieved sigh out. They talked a bit more mainly about random things like how was Stefan doing, how's his little brother and if he's being trouble, how he's holding up all stuff like that to which Stefan responded vaguely and with just a few words, which however seemed to be enough of an answer for the man. He clearly knew that Stefan wasn't very talkative. A few minutes later they were interrupted as a girl appeared from the kitchen door and asked for the man to go back in because they needed him. He shrugged his shoulders apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Stefan, I'll have to go. But you're always welcome to come by, okay?"

"Absolutely, sir." Stefan smiled again, there were no more drops falling down his face, but his clothes were still wet. I wondered how he's not shivering from the cold, but he seemed as if doesn't bother him at all.

"I'm glad you're doing better." the man said again and put his hand on Stefan's shoulder as he was about to leave, but trying to show him how much it meant that he has come by. "Jack would've been proud, you know?" he added and his voice broke a little, but he tried to cover his weakness by clearing his throat. Stefan seemed to be having a hard time finding his words as well so he only nodded in return as the man gave him one last apologetic look and headed towards the door. On his way there he stopped by the frustrated waitress and made told her something so by the time Stefan sat back down and I was about to start asking him what was this all about she came to our table with two cups of hot chocolate and said it was on the house. I took a sip from my cup and leaned back on the chair as I observed Stefan who now appeared to be even more lost in his thoughts than before.

"Stefan." I said his name silently, trying to remind him that I'm still here, waiting for what he has to say and he smiled weakly as he embraced his own cup with his trembling cold hands.

"Right." he started as he took a deep breath "You want me to explain." he looked up and I nodded, confusion still evident on my face. "There was this boy, who attended our group" he started and looked away from me, because it was obviously hard for him to talk about this "His name was Jack Grant" then he glanced back at the door where the man has disappeared "He was the son of the man who came to greet me. He was also my best and only friend." he added and his eyes finally fell back on me. For a few minutes we sat in silence. It was obviously hard for him to talk about this and I was feeling uncomfortable pressing the subject, but I spoke up nevertheless.

"What happened to him?" Stefan cleared his throat and shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of all the thoughts he had right now. He took a sip of his chocolate and prolonged the moment as best as he could.

"He killed himself six months ago." he stated with a shaky voice and I remembered the initials on his arm-J.G for Jack Grant and it suddenly all made sense. "He was bullied at school and he was in a very bad shape. When I met him in the support group he has already changed a bunch of schools in desperate attempt to finally get some rest. He was next to me in some very hard moments." he stopped again, obviously remembering who he was talking to and looked away nervously. "Anyway-he was the biggest failure Meredith ever had. She tried very hard to help him and honestly, he was far more talkative than both me and you are."

"So now she's scared that she'll fail with us too?" I asked already knowing the answer, but feeling the need to hear it from him as well.

"I guess so." he confirmed with a light nod and took another sip from his chocolate.

"Is that what happened to you?" I asked and he looked at me in confusion until he realized that I was talking about his friend dying. Just after I asked my question I realized that he met Jack in the support group, which meant that he had problems before that so it couldn't have been this.

"Many things happened to me" he said silently and I let a relived sigh out. I honestly thought that he would be mad at me for asking, but instead he just rubbed the back of his head and bowed his head down sadly. There was something so screwed up in this boy that even by observing him I got this feeling inside that made me suffocate-feeling of pure sadness. "But yes, I guess you could add this to the list." I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket for the fourth time ever since we left the parking lot so I let it out and put it on the table without answering. Jenna was probably going insane right now. Stefan looked at me and furrowed his eyebrows

"You should go home." he stated seriously, guilt evident in his voice which made me wonder if he's questioning himself whether or not he should've taken me here in the first place. "I don't want you to get into trouble." he added sincerely, trying to show me that he doesn't want to get rid of me, but that he's just concerned, which was something new for me. No one ever really cared about me like this until. Not any boy for sure.

I didn't make any attempt to get up, though, I only moved my already empty cup away and look down.

"I don't want to go on Monday." I admitted sincerely.

"But you should." he said with the same serious intonation and I looked up at him surprised. I expected him to say anything but that and as he saw the genuine confusion on my face he continued "Look, there's still hope for you. You just started visiting the group, you can get better." he said with determination in his voice as if he was desperate to make me understand him.

"And you can't?" this was unbelievable, he seemed so convinced that he's a lost cause that it made me forget about how mad I felt only a minute ago at his words.

He just smiled and stood up as he saw my phone buzzing again, then he stretched his hand and helped me raise up. Even though, I wasn't that wet, I still felt a bit cold and he noticed that , because he furrowed his eyebrows angrily.

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do here." he continued sincerely as we headed to the door "And I'm well aware of the fact that you won't consider taking a stranger's advice under consideration." he stopped before opening the door and looked outside-it has stopped raining already and the sun was setting down. "Not now for sure. I still think it's better if you go." he tried to smile as he opened the door for me and followed me outside.

He smiled and wished me a good evening, then turned around in the opposite direction and walked slowly away before I could actually comprehend what was going on.

"Stefan!" I yelled and he turned around only to see me taking his sweater off.

"Keep it." he said with another sad smile "You need it more than I do." I nodded gratefully and he turned around again, only to hear my voice calling him once again.

"Stefan, wait."

"What now? You are having such a hard time resisting my charm that you can't let me go?" now sarcasm was back evident in his voice, but I was dead serious, I wasn't up for any games and he saw it, but didn't move towards me as if he was afraid that if he approaches me he'll somehow step a line he's not supposed to.

"I will go if you do." I stated stubbornly and he looked at me surprised. He surely didn't expect me to bribe him this way. He surely didn't expect me to say that, but he chuckled a bit when he let my suggestion sink in.

"What makes you think I won't just promise you to come now and "forget" to show up on Monday?"

"You won't." I was sure of it. He wouldn't just bring me here and tell me this story for nothing. For some odd reason he thought he should help me somehow. That is why he spoke up on the session today, that is why contrary to what I expected he advised me to go to the meeting with Meredith. I kept my eyes on his for a minute or so, trying to show him my determination and how serious I was about this matter. I really wouldn't go if he didn't, because deep down, I don't want to even begin to understand how it's possible for a person to be so deeply ruined by sadness and despair. There was no trace of hope in his eyes-the only thing I could distinguish was acceptance. He wasn't fighting for anything anymore. Not that I was to be honest-I felt the same desperation he had and right now I didn't really think there was any point in going to those meetings or doing anything at all. If it wasn't for Jenna, I would be lying peacefully in my bed right now, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how life doesn't make any sense. But I was here and so was he, because of the same reason, because he was forced to do so, even if he hated it with his guts. He wasn't doing this for himself, I'm guessing that he stopped thinking about getting better a very long time ago, but he was holding on for someone else, probably his family, for that little blue-eyed boy who jumped on his back when I first saw him. He was barely holding on-his whole appearance screamed that he was on the verge of letting go of everything in this world and I wondered if he tried to do what I did and how much it must have hurt him. I wondered if he ever woke up in the hospital bed like me cursing the whole world that he's still here. I wondered if his closest relatives looked at him the way they looked at me when they realized what I've done-was he able to face the judgment in their eyes, their inability to comprehend why someone would do this to themselves? With all that pain in his eyes, I couldn't figure out what has really happened to him and right that in that moment, I realized that I want to know, because he was the only person up until now who didn't judge me for anything even after he knew what has happened-he just told me the truth right in the eyes, without fearing what I would think or do. Maybe a long time ago he was in the same place I was right now, maybe he also believed deep down that eventually things will get better at some point along the way, but he has lost this battle and that caused the darkness in his eyes.

"See you, Elena." he said vaguely and turned around. I really wanted to call him one more time, ask him if that was an yes or a no, I was desperate for an answer, but he just left and it seemed like he's not even going on his way home. It seemed as if he's just walking down the street looking up at the sky and wondering about something. I tugged myself in his sweater-it smelled of rain and coffee and I suddenly felt warmer. I stared in this direction until he made a left turn and I lost sight of him. The last thing I remember noticing was his wet T-shirt gently moving as the evening breeze announced its presence everywhere around us. I remembered the tattoo he showed me and looked back at the almost empty diner where we spent the last hour or so. Unintentionally, I smiled to myself and took off just as I felt another buzz in my pocket-Jenna was going to be mad with me and honestly now I didn't really care.

**Stefan's POV**

I got home an hour before midnight and I hoped for everyone to be asleep already, because I wasn't up to talking with mother. After I left the diner, I wandered a lot around the streets, bought myself a beer and sat in the park to drink it in silence and to think a little about Jack and how long has it been since we were both together in this exact same place. When you're lost in thoughts time flies by, but when you're sad and lost in thoughts-even faster. I can't believe that it's been six long months since he succeeded in doing what I've tried to do twice. I really wanted to believe that he was in a better place, because his life here was awful and I wouldn't wish the things he went through even to my biggest enemy. He was a nice person, he even had a sense of humor, but he was crushed in so many ways that I'm not sure anyone around him understood at all what he was going through. When his father called our house to tell me what has happened I was everything but surprised. See, the thing is that nobody expected him to do this, I mean he wasn't like me or Elena, he hasn't tried to take his life, ever and even though he was suffering from severe depression and a bunch of other mental illnesses, no one even considered him going down this road. Honestly a few months before he got very worse, I believed that there was a way out for him.

Anyway, when they called me I wasn't surprised, because he has told me a few times how he just wants to get away from everything, to disappear and well…I know most people thought that he meant he needs to just move somewhere, but I guess deep down I knew what he was talking about, simply because I've wanted that once too. I guess that back then I should've told Meredith what he was talking about and how I am at least a bit suspicious, but I didn't and that's something I'll carry with myself for the rest of my life. After his funeral, I was a mess. I remember mom being so scared for me, thinking that I'll do something stupid as well. I stopped going to the meetings, I stopped talking as well and that very much resembled a time in the past when things really broke down for me, when it all started. I guess that terrified mom most.

I slowly opened the kitchen door, only to find her sitting on the table, drinking tea and watching TV with a very tired expression on her face, barely keeping herself awake. Once she saw me, she let a relived sigh out, I'm guessing she's been waiting me for quite some time and even though she was used to me wandering outside and not coming home early, she was always worried.

"Jesus, Stefan, where've you been again?" she stood up, suddenly somehow more enthusiastic as I approached the table and wanted to sit down and get some rest as walking around town for hours has tired me, but she stopped me before I've even attempted to do something. "You're wet." she stated with worry "Were you out in the rain?" she didn't even wait for me to answer her but went to the pile of clean clothes on the couch and got me a t-shirt out.

"It's fine mom." I said barely audible, trying to calm her down a bit. I felt as if she wanted to keep scolding me, but as she saw how tired I was she changed her mind and just handed me the T-shirt.

"Come on, change." she ordered and went to the fridge to find me something to eat, before I could protest that I'm not hungry. Lately, I wasn't eating much at all. I put off my wet shirt just as she came back to the table and threw me another worried look. She was staring at the scars on my back and my left arm-she hated seeing them, because they reminded her of the two unfortunate times I almost died and I knew it so I hurried to put the clean shirt on, before I got her all upset. " Damon was waiting for you tonight. He wanted a bedtime story." I didn't say anything, I just didn't have the strength to even feel guilty right now. My only thought was how I'll go to bed, I won't even fall asleep and even if I did, I might still have this awful dream. She continued though "Did Meredith talk to you?" she asked, clearly trying to got some reaction out of me.

"Mom, please." I shook my head as she put the plate in front of me, but I only pushed it away and went to grab a coke from the fridge. "I'm not hungry" I started, trying not to sound ungrateful, but wanting her to understand me "And I don't want to talk about the failed psycho."

"She's not failed" mom protested and crossed her hands on her chest as she gave me a judging look.

"Yeah, right." I spilled out with hatred and leaned on the kitchen plot as she sat back down on the chair, feeling more helpless than ever.

"You need this, Stefan." she started with a voice which meant she wanted to argue and she wasn't going to stop. There was this determination in her eyes once again-a determination, which was the reason I went to those stupid meetings in the first place.

"I need this because you're afraid, mom" I said seriously "And I'm not doing anything out of fear that isn't even mine."

"Damn it, Stefan" she suddenly raised her voice and stood up abruptly "Do you think I don't know what's going on with you-I can see you! You're not fine and you're getting worse."

"That's the thing, mom" I continued calmly as if she wasn't bothering me at all with this, which I guessed piss her off even more. "You only think you know what's going on, but you really don't. I'm fine" I added as I tried to desperately calm her down, because I really wasn't up for that, but she only shook her head tiredly. She knew I was lying.

"Momma?" Damon's sleepy voice got us out of our misery and we both looked up at the opened door of his room. He was in his light blue pajamas with his stuffed giraffe under his hand, gently rubbing his eyes and wondering what's going on. I guess we must've woke him up. "What's going on?" he asked and mom turned back round to me as she closed her eyes and tried to get herself back together, but I knew she was on the verge of crying so I approached him with a fake tired smile

"Come here, buddy." I said and picked him up in my embrace, only to get him back to his room. I turned the small bed lamp on so I would see where I was going and gently lied him in his bed. "Go back to sleep, Damon." I said seriously, but his blue eyes were wide open and he didn't want to let me go so he caught my hand and prevented me from getting up.

"Why were you and momma yelling?" he asked with concern and I felt the guilt I was trying to prevent from appearing tonight, kicking me in the stomach yet again.

"I got home wet and she scolded me for being out in the rain." I lied and gave him a wide foolish smile. "Why are you not sleeping, huh?"

"I was, but I had a bad dream." he spoke up sadly and almost trembled as he remembered what it was about.

"Yeah, I have those too."

"Will you tell me a story? Like one of those you made up, not from a book?" he asked and I really wanted to tell him how tired I am and how I just need to get back to my room and try to get some sleep, but I couldn't leave him, not right now, because his sad expression and his teary eyes broke my heart so I nodded and lied down next to him. I stretched my arm and he leaned his black messy hair on my chest as he looked up expectantly, waiting for me to start. In fifteen minutes he was out, but I couldn't move, because he was still resting on my chest and I had no heart to move up and wake him once again as I was afraid I'll startle him and wake him up again. So I waited there for quite some time, listening to his peaceful regular breathing as I got back at my thoughts about Elena and the way she tried to bribe me into going to our private session on Monday.

What a girl she was-I thought-a special one.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading, guys. I would really appreciate your reviews on this and I hope you enjoy the chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Elena's POV**

I was in the car with Jenna, who picked me up after school and forced me to go to the meeting with Meredith and Stefan, for whom I wasn't even sure would be there. We had an enormous fight last night after I told her that I have no intentions of visiting this psycho extra hours, as I am barely holding myself together in this support group meetings, but Jenna was simply relentless. She was very pissed off that I had gone out with Stefan after the meeting on Saturday and she kept asking me what we I doing while outside, to which I responded that I was simply bonding and talking to someone else, but she wasn't very pleased from that fact, even though she herself was encouraging me to find new friends other than Bonnie. I'm guessing she might have talked to Meredith about who else will attend those extra hours and she might have figured out that Stefan is not exactly the best company I could have as he was in a worse position than me. I cursed myself last night that I don't have his phone or didn't know where he lives, so I could go and ask him once again if he would really come on Monday, but then I realized that I'm not sure I have the courage to just knock on his door as he was just a boy I met recently and even though I felt like there was a connection between us, it wasn't like me to just intrude in other people's lives, not like this and not when I know how much he likes his privacy.

On our way there, I was hoping that I would see him, I was praying that his mother has had a big fight with him like me and Jenna and that he simply didn't have any other choice or if not that, I was secretly having the thought that I could also be a reason he would consider coming, but that seemed a bit too bold of me-he had such a messed up life that I doubt he would decide to do this just because of a girl he met only recently. Though I was in a contradiction with myself, that didn't prevent me from expecting to see him sitting on the bench in front of the building, waiting patiently for the time when he would have to go upstairs, but I found myself unwilling to look up once we approached the so familiar parking lot. Only when Jenna stopped the car, just in front of the entrance, did I dare to look up and I almost let a sigh out from surprise, but prevented myself from doing anything as I remembered that my aunt was right next to me. He was there, sitting exactly where I thought he would be with his black sweater, under which there was a black t-shirt, nice dark blue jeans and a baseball cap, which was hiding his nice green eyes. He was reading a book, one of those pocket size editions, but I couldn't see the title from here. He seemed to deep in it, because he didn't look up at the sound of the car engine, he just continued reading. I haven't seen him like this before and I honestly took a few minutes to observe him as Jenna was still giving me some kind of speech to which I wasn't paying attention-he seemed as if he didn't belong here at all. He was just a boy, dressed in black, hiding from the world by burying himself in a completely different one-he didn't seem to care what was happening around him at all and honestly-was there a good reason to do so? We are all so busy trying to live in this world, hurrying to juts jump from one thing to the next, driving cars to get here and there, climbing stairs to offices where we work or study, because that would be good for us later in life, though nobody seems to be able to tell you when this later in life is, we were living here, right now, in this moment, in this town and yet we all neglected everything around us. Stefan was different, he wasn't like this-I remembered the way he looked at the sky while it was raining the other day-he appreciated it all. He might be depressed and he might be suffering and he might not want to live, but he knew how to look around himself and really see things, not just pass by them. Right now, with the book in his hand he seemed more part of this world than any of us.

Jenna's voice brought me back to reality as she was continuing to remind me to behave and start talking so that there could be some point in coming here. I nodded and told her goodbye, because I wasn't up to arguing with her anymore-last night was enough for me, I hated it when we did that-when the whole house shattered from our voices and angrily closed doors. I jumped off the car and only now did Stefan look up from his book just so he could give me one of his sarcastic smiles.

"You're here." I stated as I approached him just after Jenna drove off. I didn't want her to watch us from the car window while trying to figure out what we must be talking about. She has furrowed her eyebrows as she saw him anyway and that was enough for me. I couldn't figure how she could dislike someone without even knowing him. Not that I was much aware of what was going in Stefan's life, but the parts I knew about were enough for me to conclude that he wasn't a bad person-he was just wrecked, like me.

"Your aunt made you come?" he responded me with an answer and I nodded as he stood up and shoved the book in the back pocket of his jeans.

"I'm guessing the same goes for you." we headed towards the entrance and he smiled

"Well, I don't have an aunt," I chuckled and he gave me a light smile "But yeah..mom drove me here half an hour ago." he continued with an annoyed voice as he clearly hated the fact that someone succeeded yet again to make him do something he didn't want to.

"How are we going to do this?" I asked as we were climbing the last floor before getting to Meredith's office and he gave me a confused look as he wasn't sure what I was talking about "I mean you don't talk, I don't talk so…what's gonna happen now?"

"I honestly don't care." he said as he shrugged his shoulders "I wasn't the one to come up with this idea. Meredith wanted this, now she'll have to deal with it." he took the cap and turned it on the other side, so I finally got a better look at his face. It was still the same, if not a bit more paler, with those typical dark circles under his eyes-the same that I had and which he obviously has noticed as he spoke up and destroyed the silence surrounding us "Not sleeping much lately, huh?"

"No" I looked down, somehow feeling a bit ashamed out of nowhere "Not really."

"Yeah, me too." we made a left turn and got into a darker corridor, suddenly slowing our pace as we were unwilling to get to her office. Suddenly, I felt nervous, afraid to keep going and I stopped for a short moment, which surprised him and he turned back towards me with a sad expression on his face. He was very well aware of what was going on here and for a moment I think that even he found it hard to comprehend a decent sentence and figure out the right words he should say. I didn't need him to console me, I just needed a minute to gather myself together. I knew what was going to happen-Meredith would want me to talk about my parents and that subject was leaving me most of the times simply wrecked. I was finding it harder and harder to discuss that issue.

"Hey, Elena" he put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up. He was trying hard to make me feel better and he gently tightened his grip so he could pull me back to reality, even though he hated it himself, and make me understand that unfortunately there was no way out of this "It's going to be okay, yeah?" he gave me a light smile "I promise, I'll charm the hell out of her and she'll forget to ask us anything." I chuckled as I was trying to prevent my tears from falling.

"I'm sorry, I just" I let out silently as I closed my eyes and let a sigh out. I was finding such a hard time to just tell him how I feel and then as I felt his warm grip on my shoulder again I realized that I don't need to explain anything to him-he understood me completely and that was the best thing "I feel so stupid." I said and gave him a fake smile as he came by my side with his hand still on my shoulder. I felt so secure just by this touch that I didn't want him to let me go-it was as if he was keeping me back on the ground.

"Hey, hey." his voice was sill so hoarsely silent, but somehow it sounded a bit more cheerful "You're anything but stupid. Don't forget that." he smiled and let go of me, but urged me to approach the door. With one last look he asked if it was okay for him to knock already and I nodded through tears as I cleared my throat and composed myself as best as I could. Maybe he was right-she wanted us here an she would be the one to deal with us no matter if we decided to talk or not, but even though I was desperately trying to remind myself of this, I still had the bad feeling that I won't feel that good once I get out of here.

Once we heard Meredith's voice, allowing us to go inside, he pushed the door and let me go in first as a true gentleman, even if he realized how much I wasn't ready for this. He followed right after me only so we could face Meredith's surprised expression, which she hurried to cover with a big bright smile-I'm guessing she was sure we wouldn't come and now that we did, it was a small personal success for her. She greeted us politely and Stefan and me slowly sat on the chairs before her, feeling more and more disturbed by what was going on and what was about to happen, with every passing minute. Stefan was good at pretending that he doesn't care, if I have to be honest. His whole posture screamed that he simply doesn't give a damn about this thing and he's honestly so fed up with it that he just wished is could be over. He sat back on the chair and looked around himself with the most boring expression. I thought that he wishes he could get out the book from his back pocket and just continue reading, but unfortunately he couldn't. Not that he didn't have the guts to do so, I'm guessing he was just trying to be polite, probably because I was in the room as well. I noticed him gripping the side of the chair, though, which meant that he must be feeling pretty insecure himself, but before we started he gave me another sad reassuring smile, trying to convince me that it was all fine and I tried to return with the same, though I'm not sure how successful I was in it.

"I'm glad you decided to come." Meredith started and leaned on her nice fancy desk. I didn't know that psychiatrist can earn so much to get a nice office like hers, but obviously they did. I'm sure that if I discussed the subject with Stefan, he would find a pretty nice argument why it was like this.

"Don't flatter yourself, doc" he spoke first with his sarcastic intonation "We're not really here because we want and I for one am hoping that we don't have to repeat this thing more than once." she didn't really pay any attention to his words, she only returned with the same sarcastic smile he has given her and got back to her serious expression-she wanted to start right away, not distractions anymore, not snarky comments. It seemed as if she was in such a rush to get us to a point different from the one we were in right now.

"Okay, who wants to start first." she moved her stare from me to him just as we both spoke at the same time

"She should-"

"I think it's better Stefan" when we realized what was going we both laughed under Meredith's stern look. She was tired of our games, but she was patient enough to deal with us as she simply let a small sigh out and waited until we calmed down.

"Ladies first." he stated and gave me a winning look, because he thought Meredith would be up for his idea, though she obviously wasn't, because she turned towards him and ignored me for the time being, which I welcomed with a big knowing smile on my face.

"I think today it will be the other way around. I haven't really heard you say anything about yourself in months so I'm guessing I can ask you both one question and Stefan you'll start first, then Elena will answer after you."

"Oh, that's simply great" he commented through teeth as my own smiled disappeared once the doctor announced her plans. "You hear this, Elena" he turned towards me, our chairs were so close to one another that when he put his hand on the handle, our elbows almost touched and it made me a bit uncomfortable so I tried to remain calm and crossed my hands on my chest, feeling a bit angry and betrayed that I was here in the first place. "We're question buddies." he added and I chuckled as I cursed myself that he had this effect on me.

"So" Meredith continued without paying any attention to his comments, as usually "How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just great, doc." he continued with his usual sarcasm "Never been better."

"Stefan," she sighed tiredly before she turned towards me. I was glad that she'll get to scold him first. "Please, answer seriously." she asked, but he just looked back down at his sneakers and let a sigh out. He was having a very hard time sharing with people, especially if they were a psychiatrist who he obviously didn't trust. "Your mom said that you aren't sleeping lately."

"Oh, I'm sleeping just fine, thanks doc."

"Liar" I commented and he looked up at me abruptly, not expecting me to intervene at all "What? Have you seen yourself in the mirror?" I asked, suddenly feeling more confident in myself. He was the one they were going to bash on now, so I had the right to enjoy myself a little. Plus, honestly, I really wanted to know more about him right now. He was already aware of what was going on in my life, why I was here, what my problems were and what happened, but I didn't have even the slightest idea of why he was like this in the first place. The only thing I knew was that his friend died and that obviously is not even the beginning of his story. Before he could protest and respond with something snarky, however, Meredith got a hold of the situation again and turned back to him as she has just given me a judging look and I leaned back on the chair, waiting patiently to see what he'll answer. She asked him once again to get serious and to respond honestly, which obviously made him a bit irritated.

"You want me to be honest, doc?" he asked now, anger evident in his voice "Fine. If you want so much to know how great my life is, I'll tell you. Yes, I haven't slept in three damn days, not even for an hour and your stupid medications which are supposed to make me a happy person again are not helping in this department." he stopped after he realized that he has just snapped at her, though she didn't seem to bother at all, on the contrary, she was happy that he has finally decided to say something. She waited a minute or so to see if he would say anything else, but once he didn't she turned towards me expectantly and asked me the same question.

"I am..not sleeping very much as well." I answered silently and felt Stefan relaxing next to me, he was letting go of his anger as he realized that this only benefits the doctor and not himself. "I'm having bad dreams." I felt as if he's staring at me and when I looked up, he really was, there was a compassionate look on his face, but not that kind of one that makes you feel even worse, because someone is pitying you. No, it was the kind of one that makes you believe that there really might be someone out there feeling the same way as you do. Meredith asked me what my dreams were about and I took the time to get myself together before answering her.

"I usually dream about my parents..before we crashed." I spilled out nervously and hoped for her not to press the issue right now, which thanks god is what she did. She pointed her attention back at Stefan, who has now tensed a bit with a very serious expression on his face-he didn't like where this was going.

"What about you, Stefan? Do you have bad dreams?" he waited a few minutes before answering and turned towards me to give me an apologizing look for the fact that I was having bad dreams with my closest people, who were no longer on earth. I nodded understandingly and gave him a light smile, trying to urge him into talking himself for which he wasn't very happy about, but he continued anyway.

"Yes."

"Do they involve your father?" she continued and I looked up surprised as I realized that I've never before heard anything about his dad. I realized that he must not be in Stefan's life anymore as the only relatives I've seen here were his mother and the little kid, jumping happily around him. I guessed that whatever was going on inside him, must have something to do with his father, since he tensed at the question and furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't answer for a few minutes and we remained in silence until I looked back at Meredith with confusion, asking myself what was going on here. For this thing to work we had to be willing to talk about our problems and right now not me neither Stefan were up to that. I could see how much he changed once Meredith involved his father into the conversation. He gripped the chair handles so hard that his knuckles got white, his jaw was clenched and it seemed like he was holding his breath, afraid that if he lets go, he might just fall apart. It was so sad to see him like this and I couldn't figure what to do or say as the doctor herself seemed a bit uncertain as it came to where to go on from now on since he wasn't obviously up to sharing anything about this part of his life.

"What happened to your father?" I asked and the minute I did, I realized what I mistake I've made as Stefan bowed his head down and I felt him become even more worried than he was before. I'm pretty sure he just wanted to get up and get out of here and I couldn't figure what was the thing that stopped him. Once I spoke up, I wanted to take my words back, but it was too late-I've dropped the bomb and now Meredith was staring at him expectantly while I was sitting there on the verge of slapping myself on the face and cursing myself about how stupid I am and how I never learned to close my damn mouth. She asked him if he wants to talk about it and Stefan only shook his head while still not looking up, he only moved his cap back on the other side so he could cover his eyes-I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid to face him. After a few minutes of complete silence, he finally cleared his throat and moved his head up, but without looking at either Meredith or me.

"Why don't you enlighten her, doc? It's only fair as I know what happened to her" he spoke up though teeth, which didn't make me feel any better. Meredith nodded and turned towards me, though she continued to throw him worried glances while he was rubbing the back of his head and fixing his hat so he would be able to see better. He sounded so damn sad when he asked her to start talking that I felt even worse than the moment when I realized how painful the subject must be for him.

"One day, about two years ago, Stefan got back home from school" she started as she turned her attention completely towards me "And found his father dead in their living room-he has killed himself" she continued flatly, trying to prevent her voice from showing any emotions. The more she talked, the worse I felt. I was finding it hard to comprehend her words "He hung himself from the ceiling ." her intonation went down as she was finding it hard to continue.

"Very poetic, huh?" Stefan let out sarcastically and I turned towards him with a terrified expression. It was so strange for me to see him jump from one emotion to the next-now he was trying to cover his pain with snarky lines, acting as if he didn't care, trying to buy some time so he could get himself together. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear more, not after the way this story started. This was more terrifying that any of the stories I've heard in the support group and there were some pretty messed up people, who have seen or done pretty horrible for a teenage kids things. "I'm not sure you should continue, doc" he turned form me to Meredith "She might get sick" the doctor looked my obviously now pale face with a compassionate expression, but I hurried to give her a nod so she could continue.

"After it he stopped doing anything at all-talking, eating, sleeping, he skipped school. He was in posttraumatic stress disorder, which later changed to major depressive disorder. His mother took him to doctor, then to a psychiatrist."

"And then because they were all so cool to me, I decided to jump of our family house roof." he interrupted her with a voice, far different from the sarcastic one, but not serious either. Meredith nodded in agreement, even though she disliked the way he described the situation.

"And contrary to any possible or expected outcome, he got away only with a slight concussion and a broken arm."

"What can I say-I underestimated the fact that I might need some training in this." his head wasn't bowed down anymore, he was covering his pain with a smirk, trying to act as if he doesn't really give a damn anymore, but I felt how tense he was as we were standing really close to each other, he was nervous, worried-Meredith was digging a hole into his relatively stable normality and he was going straight down into it. And here I thought that this session would make me feel worse. Not that it was too late for that to happen, but judging by the fact how pale he turned as well, I was sure that he would have an even harder time trying to fall asleep tonight.

"And then he joined our group. His mother practically dragged him here." Meredith continued as he nodded in agreement, confirming her words while she shook her head helplessly and I realized how hard and difficult this whole situation might be for her as well. I was having a hard time dealing with observing him right now, let alone talking to him about what happened in his life and how he got through it. I was absolutely aware of the fact that she's not giving me the details-that was barely his story, it was just a small version of it all and more or less it was enough for me right now, because I didn't want to imagine how exactly things went down for him "Believe it or not, he was actually talking in the beginning" now her voice sounded a bit sarcastic "And then he did another stupid thing, just a few months before his friend Jack passed away" her voice shook a bit as she mentioned Stefan's best friend "Though this time he wasn't that lucky."

"Oh come on, doc. It was fun." he interrupted her again "You know, Elena, the pills are a very stupid way to do this. Jumping off relatively high places makes you feel like you're really flying" his sarcasm was at his best, though it wasn't funny neither for me not for Meredith. I honestly wanted to slap him in the face for the way he was acting when he talked about the times he wanted to take his own life. Was this boy insane? How could he joke about this, how could he even talk on the subject as if it was a not a big deal or the greatest experience in his life? Every time I thought of that night when I did that stupid thing with the pills, I shivered at the memory of how much I cried as I was sipping the bottle in my hand while he was freely explaining how jumping off somewhere was the greatest thing that ever happened to him.

"Oh, God." I only said and looked away from him, because I couldn't watch him like this anymore. I couldn't stand the way he was trying to cover his pain by pretending it was all fine. Meredith cleared her throat after she finished with the story and tried to ask him a few more questions to which he responded the same way he did until now-vaguely and either sarcastically or with just a few words, which couldn't help her do something for him in any way. Just as she was about to turn her attention to me he looked at me, his expression was now the same as the one he had in the corridor-he gave me a sad smile and a kind look and I suddenly figured it all out-he was keeping up this whole charade, because he was trying to prolong the time I would have to talk about myself, he was trying to keep her from making me feel even worse than I already did. He was absolutely aware of the fact what would happen to me once I had to start talking about my parents and even though he completely realized that it was for my own good, like aunt Jenna kept saying, he also wanted me to not feel this sadness and despair that I would once I get home. But that was inevitable and I wanted to tell him how grateful I am, but I couldn't, not in front Meredith, because that was something between the two of us. It was very strange how I felt so close to this boy when I didn't really know him that well.

I somehow felt like he completely understands me and that was the only thing I needed right now-I didn't want love or friendship or kind full of pity words-I wanted someone who gets what it feels like to be lying in your bed helplessly, trying to figure a way out of this and he was that person. The one who hated those deep holes we always inevitably fell into, the one who tried to fight the darkness inside him and who wanted to sarcastically play with our psychiatrist, just because he wanted to prolong the pain I would feel. I needed that person and I had him, right in front of me.

Meredith interrupted my thoughts as she turned back to me and asked me why I think it is that I dreamed of my parents. I knew the answer to her question, but just like Stefan I felt the need to extend the moment as much as I could, because realizing it and keeping it up to yourself was one thing, but talking about it was completely another.

"Because I feel guilty." I finally said as I've just glanced at Stefan, who nodded in reassurance. He wanted to support me in this, he wanted to help me. I wasn't sure why he was doing this, I'm not completely certain I wanted to know his reasons, but because of the way he looked at me, did I spoke up, and mentally made the note that if I feel bad tonight I'll blame him all about it. I'm not sure that this disturbed him at all to be honest. Even when he was trying to encourage me and urge me to keep talking, I could see how hurt he still was from the fact that Meredith has just partly told me his story. "The night of the accident, I went to a party and got stranded so they had to come and pick me up, which is why we got into the accident and went off the bridge." silence consumed the room once again and I found myself feeling ashamed to look up and see the expression on Stefan's face. My hand was on the chair handle and so was his. I felt him move uncomfortably next to me and for a moment we touched and I realized how cold his palm was. Meredith started trying to explain something to me like that it wasn't my fault and how I must understand that when someone knocked on the door and she excused herself as she went outside to talk see who it was. Stefan and I looked at each other, I finally found the strength in me to do so and I swear that once I did, I saw tears in his own eyes while mine were already falling down my cheeks and I silently thanked God that I didn't put any make up today or else I would probably be able to make him laugh. He stretched his hand and found mine on my right hip-then he took it and intervened his hand with mine as he bowed his head down, feeling maybe a little ashamed of his bold move, but then hurried to meet my eyes again and give me one of his consoling sad smiles. I tightened my grip in response, trying to tell him how much I appreciate that and that somehow made him feel a bit better, because his tensed posture relaxed and I hurried to try and clean the tears from my face with my free hand, but just as I closed my eyes, I felt him gently pulling my hand away and brushing the tears with his thumb.

We didn't say a word out. We didn't need to-right there, in this moment, I felt as if we joined our wrecked worlds in one and somehow filled the holes we both had by just one grip with our hands. I couldn't ask for anything else-I let a heavy sigh out and opened my eyes to see him just in front of me, still holding my hand, gripping it, not only for myself, but because he was also trying not to fall apart. We both were barely holding each other together and our hands were the thin line between the suffocating reality and the endless hole we could fall into in any given moment.

We were interrupted by Meredith bursting back in the room, which caused both Stefan and me to abruptly tear apart as we didn't want her to see us and we hoped she really hasn't as she seemed very disturbed by something else. She excused herself once again and said our time is already up, but that she has another appointment so Stefan and me both took off, happy to get out of here as fast as we can. She followed us to the end of the corridor, though, as she felt the need to remind us that we have to take our pills and try to get some sleep, which almost caused Stefan and me to laugh.

It was not fair to take this whole thing just as a funny game, it wasn't supposed to be like this-our parents were worried about us, they gave money for this, they came to our rooms late at night to see if we were awake or asleep and sighed heavily every time they could see us struggling. We were playing both a dangerous game here by not doing anything to help ourselves, we were in a bold dance with life and death, because though we might be taking this as a joke today, it would be a life-crushing reality tomorrow , which could bring us to an edge once we get down in a certain moment and let all those feelings we were so desperately trying to prevent ourselves from right now, in. And once that happened, we would be crushed, in every sense possible. It was only a matter of time for this to happen. I tried to push this thought away as we went down the stairs and I took another look at him. He noticed me staring and when we ended up in the next corridor he stopped right next to me as he gave me a worried glance.

"Elena" he said silently. He knew how hurt I was after our talk with Meredith. Not only about myself, but for him as well. I couldn't comprehend how there could be so much sadness in another human being and how he managed with it every day. He stretched his hand again and caught mine, I felt him so close to me that the warmness of his body helped me relax for a short moment and I closed my eyes as I realized that there were again tears in them. I didn't expect him to do anything else except to tighten his grip, which is why I was surprised when he put his other hand on my neck and pulled me in for a hug. I hid my face in his embrace-he still smelled like freshly cut grass and coffee and maybe that spring wild wind that was bending threes the other night. He gently rubbed my back with his other hand as I left a few tears on his black sweater. I didn't want to cry, but then again, I couldn't help myself-I just felt so hurt. I don't know how long we remained there, but after some time I looked up and he let me go a bit, though we were still very close to one another.

"I am sorry for your father." I said silently, trying to make him understand that I really mean it. For a short moment he furrowed his eyebrows as he was probably reminded of what he has seen when he came back from school that day, but hurried to brush it away and nod slightly at me. Then he obviously decided to do something, because he suddenly got that determination on his face that I've only seen a few times until now. He let me go completely and the moment he did, I felt colder and almost shiver.

He took off the book from his back pocket as well as a small pencil and opened up the back cover, only so he could start writing something.

"What are you doing?" I asked confused and he only smiled as he finished scratching and tore off the last page, folded it and took back the book in his jeans. Then he gently caught my right hand and put the piece of paper in it.

"That's my number, if you ever feel like talking. Because I know that it's going to be a long night for both of us so I thought it would be a good idea to know that there's someone out there you can call." I have lost words, I couldn't believe he was doing this. Judging by everything I've seen from him, he was very private and barely let anyone in so doing this meant a lot. It meant he trusts me and he wanted me to trust him too. I was confused, I couldn't figure out why he was doing this. It's true that we already knew more or less each other's stories, but that didn't mean that he had to stretch his hand and help me and yet he was doing it , for reason clearly unknown to me. He bend my fingers into a fist and gently tightened his grip once more. I looked down at our hands, just before he let me go and wanted to keep going, but I prevented him from doing so.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked the question that's been on my mind all along. Ever since he took me to that diner and told me what happened to his friend. Damn, even ever he fist kept staring at me in the group session "Why do you want to help me?" he smiled and just shrugged his shoulders. I'm sure he had an answer, but he just wasn't willing to give it to me right now. I don't believe he was embarrassed or something like this, I just think he didn't consider it to be the right time. He took my hand and led me downstairs, slowly, because he knew how unprepared we both were to face our parents, who were probably waiting for us outside, ready to ask us how it all went down, how we felt-the typical questions. Before we came closer to the door he pulled me back to him and whispered in my ear.

"Please.." he paused and I felt his warm breath tickling my ear "Take care." it was the first time someone told me those words sincerely. I've heard them so many times over the past few months both from my family and friends, but right now-it was the only time they actually mattered, it was the only time I believed the person who said them, meant it with his whole human being. I smiled and nodded as he let go of my hand and I felt that emptiness that consumed me just a few floors up, again. He opened the door for me and I went outside noticing that Jenna's been already waiting for me in the car, making sure that I won't bail out somewhere again and forget to come back home for hours. Stefan's mother wasn't here though so he only gave me one last smile goodbye and I headed towards my aunt. He leaned on the wall and took his book out, but he didn't open it. I remember that I never even thought of asking him what he was reading, but I recalled Meredith saying that he was a book worm, which made me smile.

When I got home, I hurried to get to my room and toss myself in bed. I was sure that Jenna would be upstairs soon to check up on me, because she noticed there was something wrong on our ride back and she would be worried again, even if more or less she was still pissed off at me about not listening to a damn thing she was saying. I laid there for some time and thought about everything that happened, when I took a glimpse at my desk and my school bag on it, I remembered that I have tons of homework to deal with, but that was the last thing I was willing to do now. Unintentionally, I put my hand in my jeans pocket and felt the piece of paper Stefan has given me. I smiled at the thought of his hand intertwined with mine and how good it felt. I took it out and opened it up. It was the last page of his book and on the front side where he has written his number I noticed the title-it was _Dandelion wine_ by Ray Bradbury and I smiled because I remember mom telling me I should read this book. I stared at the way he wrote the numbers for quite some time and was just about to carefully hide the piece of paper in my cupboard when I accidentally looked on the other side, only to notice something else written in his handwriting, which was uneven and quite ugly, though relatively understandable. He has obviously written down a quote he liked from it, because he has also written the page from where it was. I lit up my bed lamp as it was hard for me to read good what it said since he has used a pencil, the same one he took off his pocket to write the number and I started reading.

"_Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born this way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I'm one of them."_

I reread it a few times, then leaned back on my pillow and closed my eyes as I remembered his sad silent smile today and the way he stretched out to brush my tears. I was now holding to that stupid piece of paper so tightly in a desperate attempt to feel the same way as I did when our hands were intertwined together-he was right with this quote-some people are just like this, some people are just like us and there's nothing scary about it once you realize it. We were sad, we were wrecked, we've both done awful things because of something horrible that has happened to us and yet we were here, even after all those moments when we wished we wouldn't be. He was here and so was I and we met each other in the most horrible moment possible, when we were both trying to figure out where we could go from now on. And somehow, for the first time in forever, I wasn't angry at Jenna for making me do this, because otherwise I wouldn't have met him. I wouldn't be eager to know him better, I wouldn't have found a soul out there, who felt like I did.

I looked bad at what he has written, probably for the hundred time after I found it out. I smiled, folded it and searched for my diary, hidden in my cupboard. I gently put the piece of paper there and thought how I should go to the library and maybe search for this book tomorrow. Then just as I thought how I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, I felt extreme tiredness and leaned back on my pillow, feeling exhausted out of a sudden.

I remember that just before I dozed off, I was thinking of what he must be doing now and I hoped that he was fine, that maybe he was falling asleep as well instead of torturing himself. I hoped that he wasn't thinking of how wrecked he was and how he was one of those people, the sad ones.

I hoped that he wasn't feeling alone.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you guys for reading! It means a lot to me really. I would love to see your reviews on this one as well since it has quite some stuff going on. You are now partly aware of Stefan's story. He's also fooling her around a bit as she came to realize-he wants to help her and he has his reasons. Hope you like it. If you have any questions or whatsoever you can also find me on twitter-Flowing_lantern.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Stefan's POV**

I was sitting on our balcony, silently enjoying the nice evening, which was soon about to turn into a dawn and then another beautiful morning, which I would despise as usually with my whole human being. I don't know what it was about the night, but it somehow made me feel a little bit more peaceful, which was a big irony, having in mind how I never managed to fall asleep when I was supposed to. People my age are kings of the night-they party, they do crazy stuff, while I'm sitting here slowly praying for the day not to rush and consume me in another grey routine.

There are not many stars on the sky tonight, which makes me a bit sad, since I like to observe them. I let a sigh out, stretch my feet and look at the time on my cell-it's after four in the morning and I still hasn't even tried to go to bed. Looking at my phone reminds me that Elena never called, which honestly, was worrying me if anything else. It's been two days and I've been feeling like total crap after our talk with Meredith and mom noticed it. She thought I would be all rainbows and unicorns once I get to talk more about myself and now it was the complete opposite. Nothing in this damn life of mine has been changing lately-my best friend was still dead, so was my father. The scars on my back were reminding me of even more desperate times, my brother was still an annoying little kid, who didn't want to leave me alone, school was more boring than ever and mom was a pain in the ass. Most of all-I still haven't slept and it was about to be the fourth day I haven't done that for more than half an hour. It's not that I didn't want to-I was tired, I was feeling so weak and I didn't want to do anything, but I still couldn't fall. Especially not at this time. Actually, I was usually most energetic at this hour and the almost finished book next to me was enough proof of that, which reminded me that I should go to the library tomorrow and search for another pile of stuff I want to read.

Strangely enough, reading was the only thing that somehow kept me entertained in this world. Okay-books and Damon, because my little brother was surprising me more and more with every passing day. I admired how childishly honest and open to everything he was. I loved him, more than ever and I hated it when I was the reason he was doubting the good in this world. The other day I heard him asking mom when I'll get to be happy again, which was the question to which none of us had the answer. He was constantly asking her what is wrong with me, why am I so down all the time and most importantly-why can't he cheer me up? I hated the thought that he might consider feeling guilty, just because I was a big pile of weak bones, screwed up brain and fucked up emotions, but he obviously was. When mom couldn't figure a decent answer, she always came up with something else, like telling him how he should be patient with me, that I'm just sick and I need time.

Huh, time, what a fucked up perspective for a possible change of things-time wouldn't do anything, time wouldn't heal what I've been through, it wouldn't help me. It's been two goddamn years and the best I've felt during these times is when I watched Damon be the lead role in his school play. I don't know why, but it really made me feel proud. Not that I was doing anything to really help him and I surely was the worst example of a brother he could have and still…it was the only time I felt that little thing people call joy sting me deep inside and make me genuinely smile.

God knows that ever since Jack died, it's been even worse than before. I was sincerely hoping that Meredith doesn't decide to dig too deep into this matter, because if she does, I would just burst out at her and spill everything that comes to mind about my friend, because he could've been here right now if we've done something about it, we could've changed things and we didn't, so right now he's rotting six feet under this stupid world, while I'm here, after I've tried to do the same-twice. I just can't believe how screwed up some things are. It wasn't supposed to be this way-he should've been here, he should've gone on with his life, there was so much ahead him, just so much. I guess that's partly one of the reasons why I want to help Elena-I don't want to see anyone else do something stupid, not when I care for them and for once in my life I can't even seem to be able to figure out how it was that I really cared for her when I knew her for such a short time. There was something really messed up in this brown head of hers and it made me really sad. I knew how she felt or at least partly since I've also lost my father, but what she went through that night and everything that happened after it, must be so life-ruining that I don't even want to begin and think about it. Yes, I was worse than her or at least that's what our mental guru Meredith claimed when it came to diagnosing us, but I honestly felt that they are underestimating her when it comes to what she's actually capable of doing when she comes to an edge-just like they all did with Jack. They thought he was this silent, calm boy, who let himself be abused by stupid idiots and who was constantly being smashed by the ruthless reality, but they never thought he'll have the guts to do what he did and I think Meredith thought the same way about Elena.

She was a sweet confused girl, who lost her parents and thought that maybe it's better if she has died with them too, because at least she won't be feeling guilty anymore and even though she did something stupid, they didn't believe she'll repeat it while I was standing here not willing to take any risks-I wanted to do something for her, I wanted to get her out of this desperate place where we both had to go twice a week-she was too beautiful for this world. She's wrecked, but she's beautifully wrecked. I was pretty surprised by myself when I tried to console her last time, but she seemed like she really needs something to lean on and I surely didn't mind being that something, not because she was a nice girl, but rather more because I hated seeing her like this-it made me feel guilty that I couldn't really do anything. I find myself so helpless in front of the face of pure sadness and despair that it honestly drives me mad sometimes.

My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of my phone and for a moment, before I looked at the screen, I got worried as it was after all four in the morning and normal people were supposed to be sleeping during that time. The number was unknown, but I picked up without thinking twice. At first nobody said a thing and I was quite confused.

"Hello?" I asked and in a few seconds I heard the person on the other line leave a shattered sigh out and the realization hit me. "Elena." I said silently and smiled to myself.

"Hey, Stefan." her voice was barely audible-she sounded exhausted. It seems like she was a little nervous as she had a hard time starting the conversation so I decided to help her a little bit.

"I'm guessing you're not sleeping as well." I started and she let a nervous laugh out.

"No, I'm not. But after I came home the other day from our meeting with Meredith, I fell asleep and woke up twelve hours later."

"That's great." I suddenly felt the weight in my chest getting lighter by the minute. If she was calling, it meant that she really needed to talk and that was good, it meant she wants to do something. The fact that she slept was even better, because she honestly looked like she would pass out any minute the last time I saw her. "But I'm guessing you're having a hard time falling now?" I asked, trying to keep up the conversation. I wasn't feeling weird- on the contrary, her calling me didn't feel like it was the first time she did it-it was as if a friend was unable to find some peace and decided to see how I was doing. Even if it was so early in the morning..or late at night, depending on the perspective.

"Well, I fell for a few hours, but I woke up just before I called you." she said with uncertainty as if she was questioning her decisions right now when she wasn't that sleepy anymore and reality set back into her whole surroundings.

"Let me guess" I sighed heavily "Another bad dream?"

"Yeah, something like that." there was confusion evident in her voice. She couldn't figure out why this was still happening and I couldn't either as I had awful nightmares as well. As I think about it the only good think of not being able to fall asleep was the fact that I didn't have to deal with this since once I woke up I was feeling worse than before. "What about you? Have you rested these days?" she hurried to change the subject, something typical for us both-we avoided talking about our problems, which is why we were hitting rock bottom faster than anyone else.

"Honestly" I started, feeling the need to tell her the truth. I knew her for such a short time and yet I knew that if I lied to her it would only make me feel bad "Not at all. It's still the same as it was two days ago." she was about to say something, probably wanting to calm me down, but I hurried to interrupt her. I hated when people felt bad for me, I despised the sadness in their voice, the way they looked at me when I seemed so ruined. "So what are you doing right now?"

"Staring at the ceiling in my room, thinking about…stuff and don't laugh, but holding my teddy bear." she said nervously and I smiled widely at the nothingness before me.

"Well that's one lucky teddy bear for sure." I said, not teasingly, but rather honestly, trying to tell her that I'm in no position to mock her in any way. I wanted to tell her that being in the arms of such a beautiful girl like you must be the greatest thing that ever happened to a stuffed animal, but decided it would sound too forward from me. I didn't want to make her feel any more uncomfortable than she was, I didn't want to flatter her or make her compliments, even if she was indeed great looking. I wasn't one of those stupid boys who would start flirting with a girl out of nowhere. For once, I wanted to talk to her, to be her friend, I didn't want her to think that I'm trying to do something else here when there was certainly nothing like this going on my mind. I was too of a wrecked person to be with someone else-I've decided that I won't cause anyone the pain of being near me in this way, a long time ago and I wasn't planning to change that anytime soon.

"What about you?" she asked with a hoarse sleepy voice, though her intonation was a bit more cheerful than before since my last comment probably made her smile or at least..I hoped so.

"Oh, I've been standing on our balcony since an hour after midnight, observing the screwed up night reality people are living in, as well as the ugly buildings surrounding us and mourning the lack of stars in the sky tonight with a book near me so..nothing special." she giggled and I imagined her shaking her head helplessly at my answer.

"Did you finish Dandelion wine?" she asked and for a moment I seemed confused as to how did she knew I was reading this in the first place. She realized I was a bit startled so she hurried to add "The list you gave me-it had the title on, as well as a really nice quote on the back."

"Ah" I smiled as I remembered "The one about the sad people?"

"Yeah. I think it's pretty accurate. So do you remember those stuff or do you just write them down?"

"I mostly remember them. But I enjoy putting everything on a piece of paper. It gives me a strange kind of..peace inside, though as you might've noticed my handwriting is just awful." she giggled, but confirmed and waited for me to continue. It seemed as if she's not very much up to talking tonight as she was patiently letting herself be consumed by the silence that appeared once she felt that she has said enough. "I love both reading and writing. It seems like it's the only thing that makes sense lately or…most likely in the past two years for me." I felt that she has the need to say something, but she wasn't sure what exactly and I cursed myself for making her feel like she should pity me or something like this. I just wanted to be honest with her, I wanted her to understand me like I was trying to understand her. "So..do you want to talk?" I got right to the point as this question's been inside both our minds ever since I picked up this phone. If she called it meant that she felt lonely, maybe even a bit scared and she needed another soul out there to make sure that she wasn't the only screwed up person who couldn't catch some sleep in four in the morning.

"No" I swear she was shaking her head even if I couldn't see her and that almost made me smile sadly before she continued talking "Not about anything serious. Not now at least." I told her that I understand and for a minute we remained in silence. I could feel how anxious and full of thoughts she was-she needed to let it all out and yet she was stubbornly denying to do so, but I was patient. There was nothing else for me to do anyway-I would wait for her as long as I have to until she feels like it's okay to discuss whatever was troubling her and keeping her awake.

"Good. I'm all fine with that." I finally said, trying to assure her that it doesn't matter for me if she wants to talk about the stupidest thing on earth or about something more personal. I didn't really care, I honestly enjoyed hearing her voice. It was pretty much enough for me.

"So" she started again, now a little bit more confident "You didn't answer me what book you're reading now?" she was curious and it made me smile.

"Hemingway, _A Farewell to arms_." I answered and rubbed my eyes-I was honestly feeling like crap. I had no idea how I'll make it in school tomorrow and I couldn't miss as I've skipped a bunch of classes this week and it was only the beginning of it. I was dreading for the moment when I'll have to get to this awful building and listen to a bunch of stupid life-pointless stuff that are none of my interest. Well okay, except for English maybe…but that's also debatable.

"Can you quote me something?" she asked curiously and I took a few minutes to remember the few lines I've put down in my notebook yesterday, she was waiting patiently, not pushing me to start immediately, she figured I need a moment to order the words.

"_I know the night is not the same as the day:_" the words suddenly popped up right in front of me and I started at first silently, but then continued with more confidence as I realized that she was listening carefully "_ that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started."_ I think that the quote was pretty accurate when it came to me, plus the other one I had in mind, wasn't really that appropriate for the situation as it spoke about love.

"Jeez, you are really a book worm." she commented with a small laugh, but she wasn't mocking me, I'm guessing she was just wondering about it all. "It's a really beautiful one, Stefan."

"Well, I always loved books" I stated seriously and avoided commenting on her compliment, I realized she must be actually listening carefully to me- I couldn't distinguish a single noise from her end. "Ever since I was little so when I grew up and suddenly couldn't get any sleep reading seemed like the only thing that actually made sense around me. "

"That's the thing that keeps you afloat." she stated and it honestly seemed like she just spilled her thoughts out without really wanting to do so. I chuckled, trying to make her feel a bit better as I realized that she let a disappointed sigh out, though I wasn't sure exactly why.

"That and the little sucker who's sleeping right now" she laughed a bit "Unlike both of us."I suddenly felt tired all over again. I really don't get how this works-one moment I'm all fine and relatively energetic and a minute later I have to lean on the wall beside me so I don't fall somewhere, that's how weak I feel.

"Gosh, you sound like hell" she noted and I almost felt as if she was scolding me like my own mother, which brought a smile to my lips "I should leave you be. Maybe you can get some sleep until you have to wake up for school."

"Jeez, you are an optimist." I stated and she chuckled "It's all fine, Elena. I'm like this all the time anyway, at least now I get to talk to someone. I haven't done that since..you know Jack passed away" I swallowed hard as I mentioned my friend's name so I hurried to go on before she figured my voice is getting shaky "And I for one am glad that you called, though I might have just bored you to death."

"You surely didn't" she stated seriously, trying to probably make me understand that it wasn't like this, though I was a stubborn man and you could say I didn't really believe her. "And for what it's worth-I'm glad I called you as well." she added and it made me smile again, but I knew the truth-there was no point in this conversation, I didn't help her in any way and she surely sounded like hell though she was trying to make me believe that I was the one who seemed more desperate. I could catch it in her voice-the sadness, the confusion-she honestly still had no idea what was going on with her. Hell, more or less none of us did. I've been communicating with people like me for almost two years now and I could guess by the sound of the voice they were having if they were relatively okay, if they were having a problem or if they were on the verge of bursting out, because there's so much weight in their chest that it makes them hard to breath. Of course, each and every one of us had a different kind of mental disease so my knowledge was partly limited as believe it or not, there are people screwed up more than me and Elena combined and that was saying a lot since Meredith saw us as her worst cases right now. Anyway, by the sound of her voice, I could figure that there was something bugging her-it was the thing that kept her awake right now. Maybe our talk with the psycho was finally taking its toll on her. Maybe at first she was all fine, she managed to fall asleep, to get some rest and thought it was all going to be fine and then reality crushed her again and she found herself feeling weaker than before. I knew, for I've been through that as well.

"You honestly sound like you need to talk." I said and she sighed, but not annoyingly. She was well-aware of the fact that I'm not trying to play smart here, I just wanted to help her and though she was denying this from everyone, who surrounded her, she was after all a human being and she needed to lean on something. As she was wondering what to say, I decided to hurry and continue my thoughts "Look, what are you doing after school tomorrow?"

"Honestly, nothing." she said sadly "I was grounded, but that punishment just expired tonight so I'm guessing Jenna will come up with something else to keep me inside the house."

"I'm supposed to be taking care of Damon after school since mom won't be able to deal with him tomorrow." she was still silent, not sure where I was going with it. "You remember the diner I took you to?" I asked and she confirmed, still sounding somehow confused "When you continue down the street and turn left there's a small park there, you know it? It's just two blocks away from the elementary school."

"Yeah, sure I know it. Jenna used to take me there when I was little." now she sounded more enthusiastic, which made me relax a bit as I thought that she would believe I was annoyingly trying to intrude. "You'll be there?"

"Yeah, he loves playing outside after school. So if you feel like you have nothing better to do you can find me there." I said a little bit more boldly now. "Though I don't guarantee you how adequate I'll be since I'm out of the sleeping business as we established already."

"Thank you, Stefan." she finally said and I realized I've been holding my breath this whole time and I couldn't figure if this was an yes or a no, but it didn't matter anyway. It was important that she called and that hopefully now she'll try to get some sleep before she has to face another day.

We said our goodbyes and she hung up-the silence surrounding me right now became a little less heavy and more acceptable. I smiled at the thought of her and how she must have felt when she woke up tonight. I hated to think of the stuff going on inside her-each and every one of us have our own personal catastrophe, a storm going on inside them, that kills everything even remotely happy or beautiful and even though I wanted to help her, I was unprepared to see exactly what was going on inside her. I was scared that it might leave me speechless and uncertain as to how to console and help her. Living with your own pain is one thing, but seeing the way people around you are getting destroyed by their own personal misery is completely another and it hurts too damn much.

I'm so tired and lost in my thoughts that I fail to hear mom coming to the kitchen. She has obviously seen the balcony door open and she comes outside, though I acknowledge her presence once she lets a heavy tired sigh out and I open my eyes to face her own tired expression.

"Stefan." she says silently. She knows that if I'm out here it means I haven't got any sleep again. She hates to see my like this and I usually sneak back to my room early in the morning, but now with Elena calling I lost track of time and got carried away. I give her a weak smile and she sits next to me only so she would catch my hand and cup my face with her other one, like she used to do when I was little. She stares in my green sad eyes for quite some time and lets a deep sigh out, after which she lets me go. "Didn't you sleep at least a little?" she asked and I hurry to assure her that it was all fine, but she knows, she always knows, just by taking a look at me. She's my mother after all and she's so worried about me all the time, especially ever since Jack died and a little before that after my second unfortunate attempt to harm myself. I'm really trying not to make her pay so much attention to me since Damon is the one who needs her most-he is just a kid and he already doesn't have a father, he shouldn't miss his mother as well, just because I'm so selfishly destroying myself.

So whatever happens inside me, I try to hide it from her, I try to bury it deep and just go into my room and lie down in my bed, because I can't bear to see that worried look in her eyes that she's giving me right now. I want her to focus on Damon, to be with him, to help him with school and homework to do the normal stuff moms do with their kids. I don't want her to wonder if I was getting better or worse, because whatever was going on with me, was my own personal problem and even though I was completely aware of the fact that it affects them both, I still tried so much not to bother them.

That is partly why I spent so much time outside and just wondered around-I didn't want to spent much time with her or Damon for that matter, because I was scared that I was the worst example of a brother there is. He was completely unaware of what was going on-he didn't know that father killed himself, he was just a baby when it happened and every time he asked, we told him father died, but we never mentioned how. He didn't know that I've tried to kill myself, he was just told that I fell twice by accident as if it was the most normal thing on earth. I never let mom take him to the hospital after those two times, because I didn't want him to see me like this and I made her promise that she wouldn't do that, no matter how much he begs. He was a smart kid though, he knew there was something wrong and he had numerous questions, which were hard to answer. With time, I think he just started accepting things and stopped asking that much for which I was glad-I didn't want him to think about any of those stuff. It's better that he never knows.

"Are you sure you'll be okay with Damon today?" she asked worriedly. She knew I would never let him out of my sight no matter how tired I am and I nodded in reassurance as I had no strength to answer her anymore. "I'll go make you coffee, okay?" she stated and stood up, but didn't move at first, she just observed me.

"Thanks, mom." I just let out and I thought she would finally leave, but instead she came closer and pulled my head in her warm embrace, which made me feel as if I was a little boy again. She buried her fingers in my hair, then leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. She hasn't done that since the last time I was in a hospital after I've finally woken up-I remember her face being the first thing I saw when I conscious, she was just so scared and grateful that she got her boy back. There were tears in her eyes back then and there are tears in her eyes right now

**Elena's POV**

I honestly didn't think much when I called Stefan last night and at first I believed it was a mistake, but once we started speaking more I suddenly felt the tension leave my body, I relaxed back on my pillows and just listened to his typical silent hoarse voice that was somehow very calming. I really wanted to call him after our session with Meredith, but I was uncertain as to how to react once I do that and on top of that there was just so much going on my mind. I was confused, feeling a bit lost again and when I remembered how ruined he looked himself back that day I thought it would be better if I don't bother him. I honestly felt a little selfish when I called him last night, because as usually he didn't say much about himself, he just wanted to know how I was doing, which honestly didn't surprise me. For the short time I've known him, I could say without thinking twice that he was very selfless.

I still had my own questions when it came to him as why does he really want to help me, why did he talk to me last night, why did he even pick up in four in the morning, but then again I tried to get rid of those thoughts, because they only made me more disturbed than I already was. I decided that he was right-I needed someone to talk to. Someone who wasn't Jenna and Jeremy, who were a pain in the ass those past few days, constantly checking up on me and making sure I was fine. I always told them that everything was okay, simply because I was willing to keep up this charade going on. What else could I tell them really-no, I'm not fine, I'm a wreck, but there's nothing you could do. It was the truth, but the truth often hurts. I'm pretty sure they were aware of the fact that they were more or less helpless in this situation, which is why they took me to the psychiatrist in the first place-they thought she would fix me and they didn't consider the fact that it might take some time. I needed a break from them, which is why I decided to go to the park after school and see how Stefan was doing-after all I didn't have much to do anyway, well except for a big pile of homework that I still haven't started.

While I was walking to the other side of town, I thought more about him. I realized that if my reality was crushing, his must be a constant hurricane of emotions trying to kill him more and more with every passing day. I couldn't figure out how he must have felt when he came back home that day and saw his father, I couldn't figure how he watched him and his best friend getting buried, I couldn't figure..how he was holding on for such a long time, especially when I remember him saying that it's been two years of hell for him. I wondered if it will be same for me and I was honestly scared, because I didn't believe I was as strong as he was.

Once I approached the park it took me a while to find where exactly he was sitting as it was full of kids jumping around, swinging and running up and down the whole thing. I first noticed his little brother-the cute boy with the dark black hair and then I realized that Stefan was observing him from a quite isolated bench near the swings. He wasn't letting his sight out from him so he didn't notice me until I approached him-he was wearing again a black t-shirt, but blue jeans for a change this time, his cap wasn't on his head, but next to him on the bench as well as his and his brother's schoolbags.

"Hey there" I greeted him and a wide smile appeared on his face. It seemed as if he didn't expect me to really come because there was a surprised expression on his face, but he hurried to hide it.

"Elena." he said my name so gently as if he was trying to make me feel better just by the sound of his voice, which was honestly working so far. He moved away and made me some space so I can join him. At first we didn't really talk, he mostly asked how I was doing what was going on with school, just the casual things, I'm guessing I needed some time to adjust being close to him and actually talking to another human being so normally, which hasn't happened to me in a while. He was throwing me concerned glances every once in a while which however didn't bother me, because I was doing the same when it came to him-I'm guessing we both looked pretty bad and we were exchanging small knowing smiles when we made the realization how screwed up we both were. I noticed the book on his lap, now closed, because he was carefully observing Damon.

"You really care about him, huh?" I asked and he looked at me again a little bit surprised, but nodded slowly in a minute or so.

"I do. You know, once he fell from the swings while I wasn't watching carefully and scared me out of my mind." I was about to ask if everything was alright but he continued before I got the chance to do so "He was okay after it, but I'm never letting him out of my sight, especially when we're here, because he's very reckless and energetic sometimes."

"He seems happy." I stated the obvious as we watched him jump from the swing and land steady on the ground only so he could start chasing after another boy, a friend of his probably.

"That's all I want for him." Stefan admitted honestly and turned towards me, only to give me a sincere smile "So, how are you doing? Seriously now, don't give me the crap you tell your aunt how you're all fine, cause you seriously look like you need to get some rest." I was about to oppose and laugh at his face, because he was the one who seemed on the verge of falling asleep and not me, but decided not to dig deeper into this matter-after all he was just trying to help me, like really do something for me and I shouldn't be treating him like everyone else.

"I honestly don't know." I shrugged my shoulders "I thought I was all fine when we got home the other day and then last night it just-"

"Went worse?" he asked as he saw that I was struggling with words "You feel like there's not enough air in the room? You're angry, want to toss something and scream at the whole universe and then after that passes you feel like crap, because you thought you were all fine and then it turned out you weren't?" I furrowed my eyebrows and he gave me a knowing glance "I've been there, you know." of course he had. He's been through hell, he's still in hell actually and he's living in it surprisingly well "I won't tell you that it will get better, cause it probably won't. Not right now at least. But try not to get used to feeling this, because it hurts like hell as you've already realized. Don't embrace a reality that you might later get feeling comfortable into, because that's just an illusion."

"A lot of stuff are an illusion." I stated trying to make him understand that yes, he might be right, but even if he was then what? I still have no idea how to change this, I still don't know what to do to prevent myself from growing accustomed to it all. He knew that I was going to put up a fight here so I wasn't surprised when he smiled and shook his head as he was thinking carefully of his next words. That's the thing with Stefan-he thinks a lot before saying stuff out loud, he doesn't hurry to judge you or spill out something nasty-he thinks, weights the words, tries to figure out which would be best for the situation. He doesn't do that because he's scared, he does it, because it helps him express his thoughts better.

"Look around yourself" he asked and nodded towards the the swings "What do you see?" he sounded curious and I decided to follow his lead, because I trusted him and I realized that he only wanted to make me realize something, though I wasn't sure what it was exactly.

"I see..kids?" I tried and he nodded in agreement, but waited for me to continue so I tried again, still feeling pretty stupid "Happy kids."

"See, that's the thing, people always think kids are bound to be happy right? I mean can you see a single little troublemaker here who seems down, because I don't." he smiled "And when we ask ourselves why it's like this we usually just concluded that it's because they have no idea how serious and screwed up life can be, right?"

"Yes." I confirmed and he hurried to shake his head

"No." I was confused, he was saying something and then he was denying it "There are sad kids as well, there are broken kids, just like there are broken grown-ups, you just don't see them every day." he explained patiently "We think that they live in a different world from us, but that's not true-they live in our world, we bend them in ways that are hard for them to comprehend, we are the ones who change them and make them see how wrong and hard everything around us is. "

"So…what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that not everything is what it seems to be, okay? Sometimes you find the answer in the most casual and ordinary places of all. The harder you look the longer it will take for you to find it." I was now trying to stop thinking about his words, but rather to just listen to him and pay attention, otherwise I wouldn't get where he was going with this at all "The difference between us and those kids is that we expect something to happen, something to get us out of this mess while they are just living it all out and find the best moments of their current existence in simple afternoons like this one, where they could just get to run wildly and yell as loud as they can." he sighed as he realized that I'm still a little bit confused "My point is, that you might have no idea how to deal with it all right now and that's fine, that's normal-you'll need time to figure how to prevent yourself from falling in all those desperate holes. Sometimes it's okay to let go and live through it all so you could feel the pain, just don't let it become something that you enjoy, because then you are in trouble. And stop thinking about it so much-be like them" he nodded once again towards his brother and the kids he was playing with "Let it all go. Take a walk, get a coffee, join the cheerleaders if you want" I chuckled and he smiled happy that he finally got a reaction out of me. I nodded thankfully-he truly knew the stuff that I've been going through, that doesn't mean that he has overcome them though.

"Thank you, Stefan."

"Any time." he responded with a smile and before I could continue with our conversation Damon came back from the swings and practically jumped in his embrace, asking him to fix his shoelace, which was honestly the sweetest thing I've ever seen a boy do. Damon said he was hungry and he's tired so Stefan agreed it was time to go home and gave me an apologizing look, even though there was no reason for him to be sorry about anything. I just had the most honest and genuine conversation with another human being ever since my parent's death and I couldn't be more grateful. When Damon was set to go and we stood up however I felt a little light headed and staggered a bit, which made him catch my wrist and tighten his grip around me. "Haven't eaten anything soon huh?" he asked worriedly and I remembered that the last time I got something was yesterday morning for breakfast. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

"No, you need to take care of him" I nodded towards Damon who was saying goodbye to his friends and was already running back towards us. "I'm all fine."

"Yeah, right. " he said sarcastically and stretched his hand to catch Damon's little palm while also supporting me on the other side. No matter how much I tried to persuade him that there was nothing wrong with me, he still send me all the way to my house, though I knew they were living in a flat in the opposite side of town. Damon didn't mind, even though he was a bit tired, on the contrary, he was happy that we got to pass by the candy shop where Stefan bought me a big chocolate and a bunch of sweat treats for his brother. He opened it up and made me eat the better half of it, even though I was still stubbornly trying to proof that there was nothing wrong-I often got like this ever since the accident, I think sometimes it was also from the medications.

I leaned on him most of the time while Damon jumped in front of us and looked around the shop windows as every typical kid, asking Stefan every once in a while if he could get this toy or that one to which Stefan always grumpily said no, though that didn't bother his little brother at all. He reminded me of the first day I met him-ruthlessly sarcastic, not giving a single damn about what he was saying. That's how he always was with Meredith-playing her around, fooling her, because he didn't want her to dig deep down into his matters and hurt him. That's how he was right now with Damon-he was trying to cover his sadness, because he didn't want to cause pain to anyone. When we approached our house he waited until I got inside, he never let me off his sight and I found that to be pretty sweet and caring. When I looked at him from the window I saw him picking a very tired Damon in his hands and slowly taking down the street.

I observed him carefully-he had his bag on his shoulder, he carefully picked the kid up in his hands, told him something and hugged him tightly and even though he was barely standing on his own feet he found strength to talk to me last night and today, to take care after his brother or as a whole to just do absolutely everything he could for the people surrounding him, but not a single deed for his own self.

I'm not sure I've met such a selfless person in my entire life.

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**A/N: Thanks for your reviews guys! I'm glad you're enjoying the story, hope it stays like this I would appreciate your comments as usually as that's the best gift for an author. If you guys want to talk or have questions you can find me on twitter-Flowing_lantern**


	6. Chapter 6

**Stefan's POV**

Damon and I were heading home, actually he was running all the way down our street, impatient to get back, so he could eat something and watch his favorite cartoon. I was observing him from behind, slowly walking, my mind full of so many things, trying to suppress the thought that I still hasn't slept and that I was about to break my own personal record. Mom didn't know yet, because she believed that I've slept yesterday as I've spent the rest of the day after school locked in my room and when I finally got out around midnight, I lied to her that I was so tired I dozed off.

"Stefan, hurry up!" he yelled and I smiled widely "I want to eat my candies already."

"Hey, hey, remember" I finally approached him and kneeled down next to him "You're not supposed to have candies, right? You keep them in your schoolbag and eat them all in your room after dinner, right? We don't want mom to get mad at us, you understand?"

"Yes, brother, I understand." he nodded a bit too eagerly. I was sure he won't be patient enough and he would give us away, but that was fine. Mom was too worried and tired to give him the speech that she'll give me anyway, simply because there were too many things going wrong, too many stuff messed up.

I sighed heavily, being too tired to keep reminding him that he should act as I say, if he doesn't want to be caught. What did it matter anyway-the kid will have some sweet stuff and feel happy-that's all I wanted for him and I don't give a damn who scolds me for being irresponsible or not doing the right thing-for me that's the right thing. I would give my own life for this boy if someone assures me that he'll be fine and smiley for the rest of his life. But of course, nobody can do this-there is no promise of genuine and everlasting happiness in life. I wish I could give it to him, but I can't. I'm just another helpless victim in the face of the ruthless reality-I'm nothing, but my little brother here, who's running up the stairs towards our flat-he's something. He's going to be a great man and I'll make sure he doesn't break like I did, I'll make sure he's safe for as long as I can.

I've promised that to myself some time ago, I think it was a little after Jack died and I was still a bit shaken both from his death and from my own injuries after I've jumped the second time-I felt this stupid stubbornness in myself, not the good kind of one, the self-destructive one-I wanted to do whatever I could to prevent someone close to me getting hurt. I didn't want to lose anyone else. I wanted to see Damon happy and hopeful, even if I wasn't like that. I wanted him to grow up and be reckless, energetic, to fall naively in love, to drink too many beers with his friends and come home after midnight, to piss mom off, to have bad grades and then after he overcomes what every teenager goes through, I wanted him to settle down, to start using his head for his own good, I wanted to see him graduate and head to college, maybe still with that foolish smile on his face, but bend on doing something with his life. I wanted all the great things for him and even something else.

I watched as Damon rang on our bell a few times waiting for mom to open up. As soon as she did, he threw himself in her embrace and she kissed him on the forehead, asking how his day was and what exciting happened. He started blabbing, but hurried to sit down and take his shoes off-lately that was the hardest task for him as they had too long laces and he had difficulties figuring out how to get rid of this thing on his foot. He tossed his bag on the floor and asked what the time was-the kid had a cartoon to watch, it was important for him and mom gave him a wide smile as she responded to his sweet childish questions.

It was almost painful to watch how her expression changed from happy to worried once she turned from my brother to me. She always tried to figure what was going on with me in any given moment-she was so scared she might see my empty look that forecasted nothing, but trouble for all of us, that she was desperately trying to see something else, anything, no matter what it was-sadness, nostalgia, despair-but not emptiness. Emptiness scared the hell out of her, because it meant I won't talk or do anything other than lying in my bed for more than a week and she would feel yet once again helpless, because she couldn't do anything for her son. The last time that happened was two months ago and too much has passed before it has repeated-now she was awaiting for it to happen again and she was scared out of her mind. She gave me a sad smile once I entered and dropped my bag next to my brothers one, but didn't start undressing and she gave me a questioning look.

"I'm going outside, I have something to deal with." I announced and she gave me a stern look. She didn't like it when I did this, she knew I wouldn't be home for dinner, that I'll leave them two alone and I'll probably be late again and she hated it, but she knew she can't do anything to really stop me. She was about to start protesting, however or at least warn me to be careful when Damon popped up from behind us with a worried and sad expression.

"You're going out? he asked, his voice indicating that he was after all holding onto hope that he might have misheard us and I won't leave him "But you promised we'll play." he crossed his little hands on his chest and looked at me seriously disturbed.

"I have something to do, buddy. I'll be back later to read you a bedtime story, okay?" I promised, but he wasn't convinced. And he had every right to-I've often broke that promise, I've often gave him false hope that I'll be there and failed to do so. He was sad, but above all he was angry with me. We haven't spent much time together this week-I had to go to the meeting with the group on Monday and then I spent some time in the library writing homework and assignments, desperately trying to save this semester while he was mostly at home with mom after she picked him up after work-he was lonely, he wanted us to go out and head to the park, but I didn't have time for this right now. There was something else on my mind-something that was bothering me for the past few days and I had to go see what was wrong, I had to make sure or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep for yet another day.

Damon didn't seem to be convinced, however, so he just turned around angrily, without saying goodbye and went back to the living room, away from me and all my lies.

"Stefan, just-" my mom started worriedly, with her hand still on the door as if she was trying to find a way to prevent me from going outside, as if she had a feeling something wrong was going to happen, as if she was scared to let me go now, more than any of the other times before.

"Don't be late, yes mom, I know." I assured her and turned my back so I can finally leave before she's come up with something else she should tell me. I closed the door behind me in a hurry and went down the stairs I've just climb minutes ago. Once I was outside, I took the opposite way from the one we've come home to-I was heading to a totally different part of town. I was going towards her house.

Elena hasn't come to the meeting on Monday and I'm pretty sure that even Meredith wasn't certain why, because when I asked her she answered vaguely, saying that Elena was too busy with school and had too much things to do, so she was going to come next time. I knew the psycho for some time now and I could tell when she herself wasn't certain of what was going on-I'm guessing Elena's aunt called her and explained her something, but whatever it was, I was sure that it wasn't a good enough reason for Meredith, but more or less there wasn't much else she could do.

I was pissed off that Elena left me like this, especially after our last conversation at the park when I thought I was doing some progress with her. I couldn't figure if she really had something else and more important to do or if she managed to trick Jenna into calling Meredith and excusing her absence. I had a bad feeling in my stomach, something wasn't really fitting in, because before we parted that other day in front her house she has promised to see each other on Monday and even reminded me to be there, because it wasn't fair from me to leave her alone in this awful room, full of painful conversations with kids she didn't know and with a too messed up mind to even keep up with what was going on. I don't know why I didn't go there yesterday, I could've, but I didn't. I thought it would be too bold from me to do this and I knew from experience that when you stick your nose into someone else's business it never ends up too well for you. I've decided she maybe needs some space, some time to think about everything that was going on and I didn't want to pressure her, but after I called her last night and found out her phone was turned off, I somehow got nervous.

I wanted to make sure she was fine. I didn't care what would happen once I get there, I only wanted to see her, to look in her eyes and do whatever it takes to help her feel better. Just like my mom was desperately trying to find something else in my eyes besides the brutal emptiness, so was I trying to see some light in her eyes. There was a way out of this for her and I would be damned if I don't find it.

Once I finally approached their house, I hurried to get to her door and practically ran all the way from the yard to the front stairs. Their house was beautiful and pretty much enormous. I remember passing by it when I was a boy and asking dad who lives in there. He said he has no idea, but he stopped by the fence and made me take a good look at it, he said I should remember it very well, because that's the type of house my future wife would want to have-he said every girl dreams of this and so..I did try to remember it.

Even though so many years has passed, nothing much has changed. Maybe they've pained the front façade at least once, but that only made the whole place look even more beautiful. I knew Elena must hate this place-for her this is just another building to relive her hell on earth over and over again-it was a place of nightmares and even worse-of memories, memories she shared with her parents, who were no longer on earth. She wasn't a girl who was living in her dream house, hoping to marry and raise her kids inside the old walls preserving the family history-she was trying to keep herself from falling apart in there and once she gets over everything that's going on inside her right now and yes, I'm sure she will, she would hate it even more and she would want to get rid of it or just to escape it and never live here again.

I knocked on the door and put my hands in my jean pockets nervously while waiting. For a minute or so no one came and just as I was about to continue knocking her aunt opened up. At first she looked at me as if she has no idea who the hell I am and that was okay, I mean she's only seen me a few times and we were never introduced. I was pretty sure she would just close the door right under my nose, which is why I hurried to start talking.

"Hello, Mrs. Sommers. I'm Stefan" once she heard my name she finally realized who I was and her posture changed from surprised to annoyed-she didn't want to deal with me, not right now. It seemed as if she was nervous about something-her hands were a bit shaky and she leaned on the door as if she was trying to find something to keep her up, because it was hard for her to do so. Her eyebrows were furrowed, she was trying to think of a way to get rid of me-I'm sure she has heard all the wonderful stuff Meredith knew and she obviously wasn't pleased with it all. She probably considered me the last person who should be anywhere near her niece and yet here I was-with my black t-shirt and dark jeans, messy hair and eyes that I barely kept opened. I was the definition of a scumbag.

"What do you want?" she finally asked harshly, trying to show me that she doesn't want me here.

"Can I please see Elena?" I asked, trying to sound confident and looked her right in the eyes, wanting to show her that I'm not here to cause troubles, I only want to help, to see her, even for a few minutes-I didn't need more, just a few minutes.

"I'm not sure the moment is very good" she started, trying to cut me off yet again.

"Please, madam, I just want to help." I said sincerely and watched her sighing desperately in front of me, being in a contradiction with herself whether or not it was a good idea to let me in. Maybe Meredith didn't tell her everything if she was debating what to do, maybe she even said something nice, who knew. I was only sure that it would remain a mystery or at least for now.

Just as she was about to start saying something we heard a noise coming from somewhere behind her-it sounded as if someone broke a plate or something and we exchanged worried glances. The situation changed in matter of seconds-one moment she was staring at me intensely trying to figure out what the hell am I doing at her front door and the next she was terrified yet again, wondering what the hell is going on this time. She opened the door widely and finally let me in, only so I could follow her to the place where we heard the noise come from. I was sure it was Elena who made it, but I found myself terrified to really see what was going on.

I've seen other people break down in front of me so many times. I specifically remember that one evening when I went to Jack's house after his father has just called me and tried to reason with him-he was lying on their living room floor, staring at the ceiling above him, high on the anti-depressant drugs, because he has taken too much in a desperate attempt to feel something other than the life-consuming pain. He wasn't trying to kill himself like the girl we were heading towards to did, he just wanted to stop feeling-it was painful to watch your best friend break down in front of you and cry while you and his father are trying to move him to his own bed. And that wasn't the only time-I've seen worse to be honest, but for some unknown reason that was an evening that I remembered best and most vividly. It was as if it happened yesterday when it was probably almost an year ago. I had no idea that by the end of this evening there would be another scene I wouldn't be able to forget for a long time.

Yet right now, when we stepped into the kitchen and I saw the girl with the beautiful brown eyes on the floor- plates broken everywhere around her, kneeling on the ground, big cuts on her palms, silently sobbing on her own in the middle of this beautiful house, I wasn't afraid. There were numerous other feelings in me, but not fear-I was only worried, for a moment or so, but not afraid. I ran towards her in a hurry to grab her wrists gently with my hands, but also strong enough, so that I would acknowledge my presence-her eyes were closed, but there were still tears coming down her face, she was silently crying and for a moment I swear, I could feel her grief eating her up from the inside-that's how painful it all was. I noticed she was pale, too pale, her hands were shaky-she was having an episode, she wasn't herself and I quickly realized it as I've been in the same condition.

"Elena" I whispered at first, trying to show her that there's nothing scary out here-that it's only me and her aunt, for whom I've totally forgotten about. I'm guessing she was still behind me, probably more startled than Elena was

"Hey, hey, Elena" I started again "It's Stefan, okay? There's nothing to worry about-it's just me and your aunt. I came here to help you, okay?" she wasn't reacting in any way, she only shook her head a bit while still sobbing. Her trembling almost made me shiver and it wasn't from the cold floor and the broken plate parts that were currently trying to make a whole in my jeans. I could feel each and every one of them causing me light pain as I've kneeled next to her and I wondered if she was totally numb to the pain right now or if there was just so much going on inside her that she was indifferent to anything else.

"It's fine" I said yet again, as I felt the blood coming down from her hands to my own-we were bound by it. The thick red lines were falling slowly on my palms, tying us together in a strange knot of life and pain, binding our souls as one-our guilt, our sorrow, our despair were suddenly connected and I felt her own personal misery crawling up inside me, making it hard for me to breathe or even talk. I didn't need to look at her to understand what was going on, because I was already feeling it. I tried my best to push all my horrible thoughts away, only because of her. I didn't want to give up, because I couldn't get myself together-she was counting on me and I had to step up and do what was necessary

"Elena, open your eyes" I gently moved my hands to her palms and squeezed them, feeling her cuts and the blood coming from them.

"I'm scared" she whispered and I found the weight from my chest getting lighter-she was talking, she was finally talking.

"It's okay." I must be saying this for the hundred time today, I was so desperate to make her believe it "I'm here, just open your eyes" she slowly moved her eyelids up and as soon as she did, another tear escaped her eyes. I smiled gently and gave her a warm look, but she still felt so tense-now her grip got stronger, as if she has just decided that I'm the thing she should hold on to

"Stefan, I'm scared, I-" she stuttered, I could see her starting to panic once again and decided to do something bold, even if I was sure she'll push me away. I came even closer to her and embraced her with my arms. At first she trembled from my touch, tried to get away and even punched me in the chest with her bloody fists, but that lasted only for a minute or so and then she relaxed, though she kept on wetting my shirt with her tears.

"It's fine, Elena. It's all fine, you're not alone, okay? You'll never be alone." I assured her as she continued sobbing in my embrace. God, she felt so light, it was as if I was holding Damon in my hands and not a beautiful teenage girl-she felt so small, so vulnerable, so ruined.

I felt someone coming from behind us and in in a minute Jenna was kneeling beside us as she put her hand on my shoulder and I moved my head up, only to face her worried expression. I tried to give her a weak smile as I was rubbing Elena's back. Her expression was totally different from the one I saw when she opened the door-she was confused and she had no idea how I did, what I just did, but she was glad for me being here and even though her feeling were mixed up, I was hoping that she saw that I wasn't trying to do Elena harm. I only wanted to help her.

"You should call Meredith" I instructed her as I saw that she was debating what she should so next "She'll send Rose to check her up." Rose was the doctor Meredith used for when one of her patients were not only mentally, but also physically injured and Elena really needed someone to take a look at her. All this could probably be a side from the anti-depressants as well and as soon as I remembered this since it has escaped my mind until now, I turned towards Elena and lift her face up towards me. I felt her so close and yet I tried again to push my own feelings away so I could talk to her.

"Hey, have you felt dizzy these past few days, huh?" I asked and she looked me up with her big full of tears eyes as she nodded. It was hard for her to comprehend a decent answer and I was okay with it all-her feelings were overwhelming her. I had no idea what brought her to this condition, but it surely had something to do with her parents and the accident or in other words-with the thing that broke her down. Sometimes little things could lead to you feeling numb, very small and insignificant stuff, which however remind you of something that is the reason you can't sleep at night. "Headache?" she nodded yet once again "Your vision was blurred, your mouth dry?"

"Yes" she let out so silently that I barely heard her.

"Okay, yeah" I turned towards Jenna who was already dialing Meredith "Definitely the pills. It's fine" I looked back down at the girl in my hands "It's going to be fine." I smiled and put my arm under her knees and the other one on her back so I could lift her up. She surely was in no condition to walk. I remember feeling like this myself. Those stupid anti-depressants had lists of side effects-in the beginning it was awful for me-I would sweat too much, stagger all the time-I needed to lean on the walls to get to the kitchen, my head was killing me, I felt sick all the time and wouldn't touch any food, because it was hard for me to keep it. With time I just got used to it. Now I don't even take them anymore and as I thought of that I remembered how I've put the bottle of pills in my schoolbag and hoped mom wouldn't decide to get too curious until I get home. I picked her up and she stirred a bit in my embrace, but didn't try to get away-I'm not sure she had the strength to do so. When Jenna saw me she hurried to guide me to Elena's room, which was upstairs and ran to the door so she could open it for us.

Her room was small, but very cosy-it was the typical place of a girl her age-there were posters of bands on the wall, a bit too much pink things, probably remaining there from her childhood, books and stuff for school on her messy desk, clothes all over the place and a few stuffed animals near her pillow, including a very cute, but shabby teddy bear, which must be the one she told me she was holding on to the other day when we talked on the phone.

I laid her gently down and helped her get comfortable, while Jenna rushed to bring me something to wrap her hands with so that the blood could stop. I took her hands in mine and concentrated on making sure I was tying it tight enough, but also careful not to cause her pain. When I finally looked up, I realized she was staring at me and not resting with her eyes closed as I initially thought-she was observing me and I hurried to clear one of the last tears that rolled down her cheek with my thumb, which thankfully wasn't bloody as the rest of my hands. I didn't know what else to do, what to say-I'm pretty sure that now wasn't the right time to talk, she just needed to be checked up and to get some rest-the other stuff could be dealt with later.

"Stefan" she mumbled silently, clearly it was hard for her to talk right now, but there was something on her mind she seemed bend on saying.

"Shh" I whispered as she stretched her hand and searched from mine, which was resting near her side. She intertwined her fingers with mine, as far as the improvised bandage I've made was allowing her to do so and for my surprise, she tried to pull me towards her. She moved her eyes to the empty space next to her, trying to show me that she wants me to lie down and even though I was sure this wasn't the right thing as her aunt and Rose would probably burst in any minute, it didn't feel right to argue with her, not right now for sure so I leaned down slowly, afraid that I might cause her some kind of pain or break her in another way, though I've just brought her up her with my own hands.

I lied down and as she felt my presence near her, I felt her hand relax-she closed her eyes and I let a relieved sigh out. I found myself staring at her as her breathing was easing-she wasn't asleep, not yet, but she was more calm now. I have no idea how long it has been since she last slept, but the dark circles under her eyes were still present-she was tired, exhausted even. No wonder why she didn't come on Monday-I'm not sure she had the strength to do that.

Even though she seemed so ruined, I realized how beautiful she was-her straight long hair was spilled everywhere around us, I remembered her deep brown eyes, which were now closed and smiled-I've never seen more sad, but gracious and full of kindness eyes-I couldn't stand and watch her like this, it just brought me so much pain. I felt helpless-how did I think I could do something for this girl when only by looking at her I was on the verge of breaking down myself? I shook my head trying to clear my head-I shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm the guy here, the stronger person-I should be doing everything in my power to help her out. She moved her fingers and brushed my palm gently with her thumb as she turned towards me and tried to give me a grateful smile-she wanted to thank me.

"I feel so tired." she whispered and I sat up, still holding her hand, because I wanted to see her better and for a moment she furrowed her eyebrows as she realized I was no longer that close to her

"You know what?" I responded with a question "I feel very tired as well." she smiled and nodded her head-she knew what I was talking about and finally for the first time today she listened to my words and they made sense to her. I turned around abruptly as I heard the door open and Rose and a very worried aunt Jenna entering the room. I hurried to stand up and move away-tearing myself away from Elena felt awful though.

Rose-the doctor that's been to my house probably more than my best friend was staring at us both intensely but with the typical confident smile on her face-she was a tough fifty-year-old woman, who had the tendency to yell and scold me more than my own mother-we knew each other for a long time, ever since my first time in the hospital. She was harsh and a bit rough, but she cared deeply for all her patients. The second time I ended up in her workplace, I was treated by another doctor, but she still came to see me every once in a while and even look up in my chart to see how my condition was. She was a nice woman, but I she was the last person I wanted to deal with right now.

"Hey, Rose" I said cheerfully, trying to show her that I'm feeling good, but of course she was suspicious and as I tried to find an excuse and leave the room she caught my wrist and pulled me closer to her, so she could examine my face.

"Salvatore" she started with her deep scary voice "When was the last time you slept for more than forty minutes?" she asked and I hurried to look away before she's seen the confusion in my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I said innocently, just as Damon did when mom has found out about something bad he has done "I've been sleeping great lately." I hurried to add, hoping that she'll back off as if I didn't know who I was dealing with

"Bullshit. " she stated harshly as she continued staring at my face "And you stink like beer, have you been drinking?" she continued with her interrogation, but I managed to get away from her grip and she let a grunt out just as I was explaining how she should check up on Elena and I should go home. She wasn't pleased with my going away like this and she clearly wanted to continue digging deeper into my issues, but I practically jumped off the room as I threw one last apologizing look at Elena, who was trying to pull herself up from the pillows and say something to me, but the door closed faster than we both expected and Jenna hurried to lead me down the stairs. I thought she was too eager to get rid of me, but she surprised me by suggesting I go to the kitchen and clean myself from the blood on my hands. While I was slowly trying to take down Elena's blood away she was observing me and it made me a bit uncomfortable.

"Thank you" she finally let out when I was ready and bend on finally leaving "You seemed like you really knew what to do."

"It's fine, madam. It's just happened to me already, it's not a big deal." I opposed, still feeling a bit uncomfortable. This woman didn't like me, why was she so nice to me right now? I'm sure I wasn't number one on her niece's friends list, but she seemed confused as to how to act towards me and I was desperately trying to release her from this confusion simply because it made me nervous as well.

"She was fine, you know?" she started obviously thinking about what happened "She was pale and she hasn't slept but she seemed relatively okay" this woman surely had no idea how to deal with her, not right now at least. When you're in the state Elena was in, you can't even get remotely close to relatively okay. Relatively okay would be when she gets out of the group sessions and Meredith declares her emotionally stable. But that was all fine-my mom had no idea what was going on with me too. She still doesn't. But at least she knows as much as to never think that I'm relatively okay. I wasn't blaming this woman or anything, on the contrary-I felt bad for her, wished that Meredith could talk more to her, enlighten her what exactly is going on "I should've known better." she added as she looked away from me.

"It's not really your fault." I started calming her down "That happens. I used to get dizzy all the time, even if I was feeling alright five minutes ago. She must've just staggered and fell." yeah that must have been it, but not only. She was also I a pretty bad emotional state-she was crying, she was broken-something else must've happened-something inside her that was the trigger, not that it mattered now when it was over. It was only important she gets better. I suddenly felt tired all over again and tried to suppress my yawns.

She wanted to send me to the door, but I politely declined and showed myself out of this place of sorrow and despair, only so I could end up back on the street in a dark and warm May night. I found myself walking away slowly as I constantly looked back at her window as if I wanted someone to give me a sign and tell me it was all fine. I waited by one of the trees down the street until the light of her room went off, which was pretty soon and I guessed they must've seduced her so she could get some rest. I hurried to leave, because I didn't want to face Rose yet again and took down the street, in another direction completely opposite to where our flat was-it wasn't time for me to get home, not yet.

I needed to think about it all and to figure out a way to safe my own self from drowning tonight.

* * *

**A/N: A little information here-most antidepressants have numerous side effects, depending on the type of drug, but those that Elena had are the most typical and since she's taking them from quite recently she's yet to experience how they could affect her. Another common thing-those drugs mostly cause insomnia (in around 70% of the people taking them) or oversleeping, you can see that they are both suffering from the first one. Also, in the beginning of the chapter when Stefan was talking about his mother waiting for him to break down yet again, he wasn't exaggerating when he said he would lie in his bed for over a week as when a person is experiencing a major depressive episode they are expected to be mildly said "down" for more than two weeks. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Elena's POV**

For the next few days I'm just lying in my bed, not doing anything at all, thinking about everything that's happened and the reasons I got in this condition in the first place. I stare at the ceiling and wonder what would my parents think if they could see me right now, somehow that's the only thought that's seriously bothering me and probably one of the reasons why I am awake in five in the morning-I can't get rid of the feeling that they must be so disappointed, I can imagine the tears in my mother's eyes, the same ones Jenna had when Stefan carried me to my room and my father's worried face, which I could recognize in my brother every time he came to my room.

This was too much for my closest people right now-I was a burden and I concluded this last night when I heard Jeremy and Jenna talking on the living room couch, wondering if this would keep happening and how could they figure a way to keep me from falling apart. They even talked about Stefan and to my surprise my aunt defended him in front of my brother, who believed Stefan was bad for me, he even mentioned asking around about him and hearing how he tried to kill himself, that he used to be violent on some occasions involving a friend of his-I assumed that must've been all about Jack. Maybe Stefan has tried to help him survive school. Anyway, my point is that Jeremy was very much against me seeing Stefan or even talking to him and since he wasn't here when it all went down, he couldn't change his mind like aunt Jenna did. I wasn't trying to do anything in this department now either, I honestly didn't care much what my brother thinks about Stefan, I was only grateful that there was a person out there, who actually knew what was going on, who was aware of a way to help me feel a bit better.

I couldn't stop thinking about him and how good it felt to be in his arms. When he lied on the bed next to me, I found myself longing for his touch, I never wanted to let go of his hand, I only wished we could remain like this forever-I didn't need people coming in my room, drugging me, examining me, patching me up, I only needed him next to me, because he somehow made the pain go away, he mended my soul, he brushed away the tears, he breathed heavily beside me and he kept his bloody, longing for sleep eyes opened. I wondered how he felt that day, because he honestly looked awful. I finally gathered some courage to call him last night, but his phone was off, which was very weird for me, he always picked up when I called him.

No matter how much I enjoyed this whole thing with him, whatever it was, because I still can't define it to be honest, I couldn't get rid of one question lingering in my mind-why? Why was he doing this? What was his reasons? Was he so afraid to see someone else die like his father and Jack, that he was willing to do whatever it takes to prevent it? Because if so-than this is a bit of a selfish reason-he just doesn't want to get hurt. But then again if he didn't want to get hurt he would've just pushed me away and never get anywhere near me.

I still think there are sides of him I have no idea about, because I've seen him distant and sarcastic-that was when he was hurting, when he was mad at the whole world, at Meredith and his mother for making him do this, at his inability to go back and change things. And I was a bit afraid of this side, because it was different, unpredictable, yet I was willing to face him like this as well, no matter what it costs me. Other times, he was very calm and caring, but his calmness came from the deep sadness inside him, while his caring from the thing that set every one of his actions in motion-the selflessness. Every time I looked him in the eyes, I could see how much of a weight he's caring and that's probably the thing that tires him most as well as the thing that's keeping him from getting some rest. But all those stuff were only assumptions of mine based on observations-I didn't really know anything about him. I wondered if he sees his father hung from the ceiling every night before he closes his eyes just as I'm seeing my parents before we crash? I wondered when was the last time he was really bad like I was the other day? I wondered if he blames himself for Jack's death?

I got out of bed, took a shower and put on a simple light blue t-shirt and jeans-it was time for me to get out of this house. There was still a bandage on my right hand, as the cut there was deeper and it was making it hard for me to put my shoes on, which is why when Jenna saw me she came to give me a hand. It was Monday, everyone were at school and I decided I should head to Stefan's one, see if he'll be there at all as I couldn't reach him on the phone. I wanted to make sure he's fine, to thank him for what he did. Jenna was aware of the fact that I'll probably go out and look for him, but she didn't say anything, just reminded me not to take much time outside and come back early as I was supposed to go to school tomorrow as well and finally do something for a change. The thought of me sitting in class and actually listening to what the teachers were saying, was seriously giving me headache.

It took me a while to get to his school as it was in a complete different part of the town from mine-it wasn't really a good one, I've heard some quite terrifying stuff about the kids there and as I approached I noticed that the majority of those heading out of the entrance were boys. The girls lingering on the benches waiting for their boyfriends were quite different from what I was used to. I seriously wondered why he was going here-he seemed like a smart boy, okay maybe he wasn't really good when it came to grades from what I could gather during our sessions, but he was really intelligent and he was better than the majority of the males in my school. I waited patiently for him and the more time passed the more I believed that he might've not even come for classes at all, until he finally appeared from the entrance with his eyebrows furrowed, somehow very nervous, holding on his bag with a clenched fist. As he was about to pass by two tall boys near one of the benches, one of them crossed his path and told him something which made him even more angry than he was. He tried to surpass them after a minute or so and intentionally pushed the boy in the shoulder, which made him extremely mad. Stefan was fast enough to get away before they've tried to do anything and with an evil smile approached the street, only to notice me staring from a close distance.

Once he saw me he stopped, obviously too surprised to find me here, but he hurried to hide that and gave me a kind warm smile as he took a better look at me and furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of the bandage on my hand.

"Well hello there." I started as he approached me "You really should turn your phone on, you know?" I didn't fail to scold him

"I'm sorry." he shrugged his shoulders "My mom must've turned it off when Rose came by our house." It was my turn to furrow my eyebrows and suddenly got worried. I was so consumed by my own personal misery these days that I didn't believe anything bad could've happened to him. Only now did I notice that he still seems a bit tired and wrecked as usually, but his face was a bit brighter, somehow more relaxed.

"Why did she come?" I asked as we took down the street, I was following his lead, not even questioning where he was taking me. He noticed the worry in my voice and hurried to calm me down.

"It's all fine." he assured "I just broke my personal record for not sleeping in six days and mom called her to come and put me down, even though I didn't want her to."

"I'm glad she did." I said and he shook his head helplessly "You looked like hell when you came to my house."

"Oh so you do remember?" he joked and I slapped him playfully on the shoulder as he tried to get away. We were like children in that moment, even though we were talking about such serious stuff. I stopped and gave him a serious look.

"Of course I remember, Stefan." I said silently and immediately noticed the guilt in his eyes-he was sorry he joked, he just wanted to make me feel better. "Thank you for what you did."

"You're welcome." he smiled and stretched his hand to my hurt one as I noticed that he was blushing a bit. He didn't like someone making him compliments or being grateful, it obviously made him uncomfortable so he hurried to look away from me

"Does this hurt?" he asked, we've stopped again and he pulled me gently to the nearest bench. I don't know how much we've walked but we were already away from the school and near one of the parks in this part of town, though quite away from the madding crowd. The streets were full of kids heading home, but nobody paid any kind of attention to us-we were invisible broken people, there wasn't anything beautiful about us, we were barely existing in this reality, holding by a thread, which would break in any given moment and it wasn't certain if there would be anyone or anything to patch us up or to hold us as we collapse. He was there to catch me last time. I wondered what would have happened if he hasn't?

I shook my head and looked back up at him, he was however still staring down at my hand, gently brushing it with his thumb, thinking about his next words carefully. Before he could say anything however I hurried to interrupt him and ask the question that's been on my mind for days now.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked seriously and our eyes finally met. I noticed his green ocean of sadness and how misty and dark his eyes were. He didn't seem like a person who got enough sleep.

"I told you that time when we got out of Meredith's office" he started "I have my reasons."

"And I want to know them." I spilled out before even thinking that I might sound too forward

"I just want to help you." he said, but I knew that wasn't the whole truth, it might be part of it, but not everything "Is that so hard to believe? Have you never met a person in your life that just wants to see you get better besides your relatives? Are everyone you've met so selfish? Or were you hurt by someone?" he continued with his questions, changing the subject, moving once again from him to me, not wanting to say out loud anything about himself.

"I'm bad at trusting people." I finally said and leaned on the bench while he let a tired sigh out.

'You and me both, Elena." he responded and smiled "If you don't want me to get into your personal mess that's all fine. I'll walk away and I won't bother you anymore."

"No" I hurried to respond. Having him in my life right now was the best thing that ever happened to me since my parents died. I couldn't lose him as well, he was probably the only thing that kept me from drowning and even when he wasn't enough, he was there to pull me out. He nodded understandingly and I felt myself relaxing. I never even noticed that I've got tense once he said he should just let me be. "But I wish I could do something for you as well." I admitted and he squeezed my hand.

"You are" he responded barely audible "You just haven't realized it yet." he added and I looked up at him confused. I really couldn't figure out how I was doing something good for him. I was a mess a broken one and he was doing whatever he could in his power to make me feel better while I only yelled at him and asked for explanations.

"Come on, I want to show you something." he helped me raise up and took me down the streets. I observed his tired face and noticed that his grip was weak, but he was walking with a relatively fast and steady pace, not willing to slow down even for a minute. He was leading me to the end of this neighborhood and we started approaching old, almost empty buildings.

I asked him a bunch of times where he's taking me but he only grunted or told me to be patient until he abruptly stopped at the corner of an almost empty street, near a pretty dark and not very presentable building. There were lights coming from the windows of different floors, but as a whole it seemed as if not many people lived here. He searched for a key in his pocket, opened the main door and led me up the stairs. There wasn't a working elevator or anything, but we heard noises coming from people's TVs or baby screams or couples arguing about something. However I wasn't scared, it wasn't the best neighborhood but with him I would probably go to the edge of the world and still not be afraid. We went to the last floor and when we reached the wooden stairs heading to the roof he turned towards me, smiled as if he was asking how I was doing. I nodded in reassurance and with one gentle squeeze he pulled me closer to him, only so we could start slowly climbing the stairs. He opened the metal door which was obviously going to lead us to the rooftop. Once he was already up, I stretched my hand and he hurried to pull me up saying that the stairs are not very safe and I need his support.

Once I ended up there I took a moment to look around-it was beautiful, the sun was about to set and the warm colors coming from the rays were making his face look so much different, so much younger-he was no longer the boy who was painfully going through life with a heavy heart and a broken reality-he was smiling, observing the sky, there was this sweet childish light in his eyes which I was seeing for the first time. The light wind was playing with his shirt, making it seem as if he was so light that he could be pushed to the ground any minute and yet I remembered how strong his grip was when he pulled me up-he was a tough boy and even though he seemed to be small and insignificant to the rest of the world, he was everything for me right now. I don't know what it was that I felt for this boy, I couldn't figure if I wanted to be his friend or something more. I was afraid to go down that road, I was a mess right now and even though he looked like the prince on a white horse from the fairytales right now, he was very much broken himself and he has been like this for such a long time. I could notice his flaws even on the sunlight-I could recognize his sadness hidden under this childish light in his eyes, I could notice the dark circles and his bended posture as well as the slowly dragging way in which he walked-he was barely holding himself together and still somehow he was, because he was right there next to me, smiling at the nothingness in front of him, maybe even enjoying it and there I stood-thinking about how the only thing I want to do right now is be in his embrace.

For a moment, I'm pretty sure he forgot that I'm next to him and I even caught myself feeling afraid that he might do something stupid as I watch him get closer to the edge, but at the same time I didn't dare move myself, I'm so mesmerized by both him and the view. Then I realize I'm not doing anything, because I trust him-I know he wouldn't attempt something, I can see it in his eyes. He might want to hurt himself, but he would never do it in front of another human being-he was too selfless for that.

"Stefan." I call him and once he turns towards me I really see the tears in his eyes. I wonder what it is about this place that made him suddenly so upset. Or maybe it was just the way we were both observing life so quietly and with such fascination while also living as ghosts in it-the universe was indifferent towards us.

I approached him and he tried to smile, but hurried to clear his throat, though he didn't say a word out.

"It's beautiful." I say and he hurries to nod, his actions are abrupt-he's trying to hide his feelings. This time I'm the one to take his hand, because I can feel that he needs it, he smiles and pulls me down with him so we can sit and observe it all in peace. "How do you know this place?" I ask as I feel brave enough to break the silence. I know he would never start talking about anything if someone didn't push him.

"Jack took me here a long time ago." he started talking, sadness and nostalgia evident in his voice "We used to come to this roof and just talk about stuff or..get drunk" the last part he added with a shameful smile. He probably thought I would think low of him. "I haven't been here in a very long time. He gave me the key to the building in the hospital, after I jumped the second time-he said when I get better we will come here together."

"So did you come?" I asked not thinking about the fact that I might be digging a bit too deeper into stuff. He didn't mind though, he just looked away and continued.

"No." he paused and I felt getting a bit nervous "I was a mess after I got out of the hospital and he killed himself shortly after that. I'm guessing the last time we were here together was a little before I got worse..and I honestly don't remember very good what we did." that was obviously bugging him-the fact that he never knew their last time here would be their last time. I leaned on his shoulder because I was starting to get tired-the medications Rose gave me were making me sleepier than usually. He didn't move in any way though, but he didn't push me away either. "Are you really better?" he asked after some time, before I could ask him more about Jack and it took me a while before answering him as I wasn't certain of what should I say so I just spilled out everything that was going on inside my mind.

"Here, right now, I am" I started and he looked down at me with his warm green eyes-the childish light was gone, replaced by the sadness again. "Ask me again when I get back home and lie in my bed."

"Okay, I'll call you then again." he said completely seriously and I smiled

"Do you feel better?' I returned the question, but when he took too much to answer I suddenly got angry, moved away from him and looked him in the eyes.

"What?" he asked confused

"You don't talk and it's not fair.' I said angrily "I tell you everything, but you don't say a thing."

"That's not true" he calmly opposed "I've told you more than anyone else in the past two years. Okay, except for Jack, but he's no longer here so that's not relevant."

"Death is always relevant and you know it" for no apparent reason I decided to comment on his last words. I've been doing this lately-turning people's words against them, wanting it all to backfire "Death is what crippled you, death is what crippled me."

"And death is what we both tried to embrace, don't forget that" he noted, his voice still very calm, unlike mine. He was making his points with patience I didn't knew he preserved until now. "But the world wouldn't care if we succeeded in what we wanted to do or not-it would just keep on going and we would be buried in the ground right now. The reason we're here is because we got lucky when we least wanted it."

"And now what?" I backed down now and just listened to his voice, which was always able to calm me down.

"Now you gather yourself together-slowly. You take all the time that you need and you do what helps you most." I wanted to tell him that being with him is what helps me most, but I felt myself blushing by even thinking about it let alone say it out loud. "And mostly, you talk, Elena" he turned towards me, we were very close to each other "If not to Meredith, your aunt or your brother, then to me. You know that I'm not sleeping much anyway so I'll pick you up, no matter what the time is. "

"Okay" I agreed and he sighed heavily, I never even noticed him holding his breath and I wondered if he was worried what would I respond. I leaned back on his shoulder and we continued observing the sky and the beautiful way the sun was setting down only so we could start welcoming the darkness together, as one.

"I'm afraid to die." I finally let out the thing that's been on my mind ever since I decided to take those pills. He was the first person I told this to and even though I was scared to let the words out with him it didn't feel awkward or stupid or embarrassing, because I knew he would understand me.

"That's good." he said in a few minutes, obviously weighting the words in his mind yet again "The moment you stopped being scared is when things are really bad."

"Were you afraid?" I asked again as if I was a child, just like his brother, curious to know more, trying to reach the walls he has put around himself, wanting to break them, because he might be the one who wants to help me and makes me talk, but he's not doing anything at all for himself. He's giving me advice he himself is not following and that was bothering me, mainly because I thought he just doesn't want to get better, that he's finally accepted that sadness inside him, that darkness surrounding him, the sarcasm that's marking every word he uses against a stranger and we both knew well enough what all those stuff lead to and it wasn't something pretty. I'm waiting for him to respond, but he doesn't and that scares me more than I expected "You weren't, were you?" I ask again.

"Of course I was." he hurries to respond, which is when I know he's lying because he wants to protect me from the truth. He doesn't want me to believe that I can get as worse as he is, he wants to prevent me from going down that road and I understood that just now. He hurries to stand up and I don't fail to follow him, because I need an answer, I want to get something out of him, at least once I want to be able to do that, so I stand in his way and stare intensely in his eyes.

This time he doesn't look away, he's observing me as well and I swear I can feel the tension between us grow with every passing minute. I feel his hands on my waist while I put my wrecked palms on his strong arms-we're both thinking the same thing, but none of us is moving right in this moment. The only thing that passes through my mind is how beautiful he looks once again as the sun is gently stroking his cheeks. He moves his hands from my waist and cups my face only so he could get closer-I swear I'm impatient to feel the taste of his lips on mine, my heart is going to explode from my chest and I realize he's breathing very heavily, slowly. First our foreheads touch, then our noses and he closes his eyes-he's in a struggle with himself, he doubts his actions. For the first time since I met him, he's seriously confused about what was going on, though this time I am not-I know what I want to do so that's why while he's struggling with himself I stand on my toes and kiss him.

He doesn't pull back, although I feel the storm inside him, telling him to just get the hell out of me, his hands are slightly trembling on my cheeks-he's nervous, maybe even scared, above all I think he's angry that he let this happen and yet he's not pushing me back, he's doing quite the opposite and in order to make him feel better I move my hand on his , remove it from my cheek and squeeze it in support.

When he finally pulls back, he doesn't hurry to get away from me, instead he leans down and our foreheads touch again while I'm breathing heavily, waiting for him to open his eyes, but he doesn't. However he speaks up.

"Elena" he shakes his head "This is not right. " I find myself still unafraid. Somehow I knew that he would push me away, I knew he would say this-because he was a good man and I wouldn't have kissed him if he wasn't, but I was just starting to wonder whether or not I just made things worse for him.

"God, Elena" he finally opened his eyes and moved away from me "I'm messed up..I am so messed up you have no idea."

"Stefan" I tried to interrupt him, to make him understand that it's all fine, but he shook his head and hurried to continue.

"You're so beautiful" he said and I felt the tears in my eyes as I realized how full of pain his voice was "And I want nothing else for you but to be happy. I can be your friend, I can listen to you, I can do whatever you need me to do and I would never for the world give up on helping you even when I've given up on myself, you have to understand this" he took another step back and then stopped, we were still very close to each other, but because he was trying to make a point he wanted to see me better, to take a good look at me, to treat me as a person, not as a boy who liked a girl and used to confined space between them for all the wrong reasons "But I can't be with you like that, cause I bring nothing but trouble with myself and once you moved on from this hole you're in, you'll continue with your life and you'll meet someone better, someone strong, kind and good." I shook my head, wanting to argue with him, but as he saw that I was about to get stubborn he came back close to me and put his hands on my arms, making me look right back at him and listen to him carefully "I am not that person, though." he gave me a sad smile and I could feel the tears coming down my cheeks and I wanted to stop them. Gosh, how much I hated crying.

"Please, don't push me away." I said silently and he almost chuckled

"I'm not going to push you away." he assured me and I looked up, disbelief in my eyes, which he managed to recognize so he pulled me in for a hug and I embraced him with my skinny arms tightly "I kinda can't breathe here, though." he said in a minute and we both laughed.

In half an hour or so we left the roof and he send me home, as usually, wanting to make sure I was fine. On our way there he bought me an ice cream, cheered me up and reminded me that we have an appointment with Meredith at the end of the week that we had to go to. Before we separated he gave me another hug and I blushed-we agreed to remain friends and the minute we said those words I wanted to laugh out loud-I couldn't be friends with this boy, because the only thing that was going on inside my mind before I fell asleep that night was the taste of his lips on mine and the way the sun was playing on his beautiful face, his sad green eyes, speaking more to me than any words could ever do. But I had to try and suppress my feelings, mainly because he wasn't the only messed up person-I was one right now as well and I didn't want to break his heart or give him another reason to hate life more than he did right now-he might have wanted to protect me, but I also wanted to protect him.

* * *

**A/N: I decided to move with things a bit further as not that many people are reading this story anyway so I might as well make those two progress in this relationship or whatever they are having right now. So Stefan does indeed has a reason he's not sharing and in a flashback that I'll write probably pretty soon, you'll see what pushed him into noticing Elena in the first place. Also the friendship status-you'll tell me if you believe this can work out or not. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Elena's POV**

I was getting ready for going out with Stefan. Yeah, exactly-we were about to go out, but it wasn't because we really wanted it, just as usual. I was putting on my summer dress covered with beautiful blue and green flowers, which made me look as if I was back in kindergarten, but my best friend Bonnie picked it up the other day, after I agreed to go to that stupid party and now I had no other choice but to wear it.

I hated parties-too much noise, boys who constantly try to touch your butt and alcohol, which was probably the only thing that made all this bearable. After a great debate with myself how to fix my hair I decided to leave it down, because I've noticed Stefan enjoyed it better this way. I still can't believe that he agreed to come with me-to begin with, this whole idea wasn't ours at all. Meredith gave us something like an assignment the last time we went to her office-she wanted us to go out and have fun with friends after she realized that we don't really have anything exciting to share besides the fact that we were both spiraling down in our own holes full of sadness and despair. She has been asking us questions about our friends ever since we started going to those private sessions and both Stefan and me never really got an answer for her mainly because he has lost his best friend and me..well I was only talking to Bonnie, but I wasn't even that close with her anymore. I mean she doesn't even know that I'm visiting a therapist and lately she's been going out more with Caroline Forbes, which was okay with me. I just wanted to be left alone and I had no intentions of going back into that circle, which existed in an even faker reality than I was in right now.

Anyway after aunt Jenna figured out what Meredith asked us to do, she urged me to go and well…I couldn't really do this all by myself so I called Stefan and he of course, being the selfless gentlemen that he was, agreed. After we kissed that day, I lost track of him for the rest of the week and at first I was pretty mad, because if this was his idea of being friends, he was doing a pretty crappy job in it. I thought that he might've got scared and decided to pull back, but when I finally heard from him, after he called all afternoon and I ignored all his texts, I regretted not picking up the phone earlier-he sounded pretty bad.

He never said what has happened, that was the thing with Stefan-he kept his darkest moments to himself, so it was hard for me to pinpoint what was going on, but I found myself forgiving him the moment I heard his voice-you can pretty much say that I was under his spell, no matter how much I was trying to deny it. He was honestly the only thing I was excited for tonight and I was impatiently waiting to hear the doorbell ring. I was glad that Jeremy was already out, so he wouldn't cause any troubles-I don't think that he knew I was going somewhere in the first place, while aunt Jenna was somewhere down in the kitchen, probably preparing dinner for herself, which seemed like the loneliest thing on the world for me.

I sighed as I finished putting my lip gloss and nervously looked myself in the mirror-I was dreading the moment when I would have to actually talk to people tonight and pretend that everything in my life was going just fine. I hated lies and yet that was the only thing I was doing lately-lie to Jenna, Jeremy, my best friend and the rest of our friends, whom I haven't seen in months as I was avoiding going out. I made the realization that the only person I've been really hanging out with lately was Stefan and he was something I could lean on in the darkest moments. Tonight, even though it sounded so selfish, I was going to do it again-I was taking him out with me, because I was afraid to do this on my own and I hated myself for that thought. I hated being the person who uses other people out of fear and I made myself a promise that I would try to figure a way and be there for him as well, maybe even ask him what went wrong with him those few days after we went to the roof and pray that he's willing to talk.

I heard a knock on the door and without even waiting for my response, aunt Jenna got inside-a big smile on her face as she stood on the door and gave me an approving look.

"You look great, kiddo." she commented after in a few minutes and I hurried to nod without giving her any kind of proper answer. Things between us were going up and down ever since I broke down last week. I could sense she was scared and she was trying to do everything to make me feel like a normal teenage girl. I'm not sure she was aware of the fact how serious everything was, she only expected me to become cheery and happy in matter of months while I wasn't sure I would even get any kind of progress for that time. We fought as usually those past few days, but we also talked-she came to my room after midnight to check if I was asleep and most of the times I was, because I wasn't taking my pills this week as Rose advised me to wait and start them on again after I get some rest and feel better. I'm sure Meredith would make me get right back on them next week, but for now I was enjoying the time being-at least I could get more sleep and I honestly wasn't feeling very much different than I did when I was taking them-it was all the same. I've been meaning to ask Stefan if they ever helped him, but somehow I always forgot, because with him I was thinking about totally different stuff.

Aunt Jenna approached me and leaned down to give me a gentle kiss on the cheek

"Have fun tonight, okay?" she said, but before I could even answer we heard the doorbell and she went downstairs to open, while I was looking myself in the mirror for the last time, checking if I looked okay and searching for my shoes, which turned out to be a pretty difficult task and took me more time than I thought so when I finally made it downstairs I saw Stefan and aunt Jenna friendly talking on the front porch.

At first he didn't notice me, so I took the time to observe him from afar-he looked really good tonight. He has put a really nice dark blue plaid shirt on, his hair was clean and carefully combed, but he looked great like this even though I preferred it ruffled, he was smiling politely at my aunt-his beautiful green eyes carrying the same sadness as usually, seemed now a bit lighter and I concluded that he must've got some rest these days or at least I hoped so. He has rolled his sleeves up to his elbows and I just now realized how strong his hands looked from afar-the same hands that have picked me up and carried me to my room, were now holding his black leather jacket. When he finally looked in my direction he seemed to be a bit taken aback. He abruptly stopped the conversation he was having with aunt Jenna and gave me one of his foolish smiles. My aunt excused herself and as she passed by to whisper in my ear to be careful tonight, she also gave me a knowing smile as she took one last glance at Stefan, which made me want to protest and tell her that we were only friends, but with him in our presence that was impossible so I decided I'll deal with her later.

"What?" I started as I finally closed the door and went on the porch "Have you not seen a girl in a dress before?" he chuckled, shook his head, as if he was trying to get rid of the thoughts going on inside his mind right now.

**Stefan's POV**

"I have" I finally responded.

She looked breathtaking. The beautiful flower dress was making her appear brighter, happier. She hasn't put much make up on and I really liked her this way, I could smell her perfume from here, well..we were pretty close to each other again and I have no idea how much longer I would be able to keep my eyes away from her-I didn't want to look away, but I was in an inner fight with myself-it wasn't right for me to keep misleading this girl. I wasn't the right person for her, I would only make it all worse for her and yet I couldn't keep myself away.

When we kissed on that roof, I spent the night unable to fall asleep-I was in a struggle with myself, everything inside me was telling me how wrong the whole thing was. I didn't want to fall in love, that was never part of my plans, it was never something I was considering and I honestly had no idea what was really going on when it came to her, but it was confusing me more than anything else lately. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling, I only knew that somehow I was a bit calmer when I was around her and after the awful dreams I had in the past few nights, I could really use her company, which is why I agreed to going out tonight-that and because I knew how much she needed me.

After I saw her so bad last week, something inside me broke and I spent the next days wondering if I'm really doing something for her or if I'm just fooling around, because obviously I wasn't helping.

Of course, I was aware of the fact that things can get bad sometimes and that it's normal for her right now to fall into those holes she dug herself, but I really wanted to see even a small progress and deep down I hoped that maybe tonight I can make her smile. When she appeared behind her aunt my breath stopped-she looked stunning. I can't remember the last time I felt like this for a girl. Sure Jack and me we used to fool around with girls we don't really knew, but that was one time deal, nothing serious. We've both promised ourselves to never get involved seriously with someone else, not on a romantic level, because that won't be only selfish, but also life-ruining for the other person. And that's also partly why I was so confused when it came to Elena-I really, really didn't want to do her any harm and I was afraid that if I get any closer I would make things worse for her. One of the reasons I never called her those past few days was, because I thought it would be better for her to stay away from me, but then I realized I was acting like a coward-I was leaving her when she mostly needed me, when she was trying to recover from last week's events.

She looked pretty tired herself, I could tell that the last thing she wanted to do today was go to this party and honestly-I wasn't eager to go and meet some people I don't really know as well, but I had to be there for her, I had to try. Plus Meredith was really insisting on us doing this, she practically scolded us before we've said no to her idea-she wanted us to go out, to do something different and I only wanted to get her off my back, which is also what I'm guessing Elena was trying to do as well.

"You look beautiful, Elena." I commented as we took down the stairs and headed to my car. She blushed , but tried to hide her embarrassment with a light chuckle.

"You look pretty dashing yourself, Mr. Salvatore." she fixed her dress once we got in the car and I caught myself staring at her legs

"I'm up here by the way!" she commented after I've taken too much time and I apologized as I blushed a little. God, she was driving me insane and we haven't even went to the party yet.

What the hell was going on with me? I can't let this happen under any circumstances. I'm going to keep her company tonight, talk to her when she needs, but I'm not going to act like a hormone driven asshole. I'm not this person-she might be young and beautiful, but she was confused as hell right now-she had no idea what was happening to her-she was smiley in one moment and she was crying the next and I was completely aware of this, because I've been through it-it was an emotional roller coaster, in which when you appeared to be happy you were sad the most and when you appeared to be sad you were at the edge. I was the one who's had more experience when it came to this, I should be the responsible one, not her-she's a girl, who's confused and who's barely holding herself, she surely didn't need me in her life, not in this way.

When we finally got out of the car, I went to open the door for her and she tried to give me a fake smile-she was nervous, her hands was slightly trembling and I felt bad for her all over again.

"Thank you for agreeing to do this." she said and I shrugged my shoulders like it wasn't a big deal. We could already hear the noise coming from the house-we were pretty much late, but I think it was the perfect timing, I didn't want to be here before everyone else and have awkward conversations with people, who were going to wonder where Elena managed to find this guy in the first place. I wasn't really nervous, probably exactly because I had no idea who those people were and I didn't really care. I wanted her to have a good time, to smile a little. I was planning on observing from behind and silently drinking a beer or something.

"It's fine." I assured her and she searched for my hand only so she could intervene her fingers with mine. I shivered at her touch, but tried to compose myself and squeezed her palm gently.

"I'm sure you'll like Bonnie." she said once we rang on the door and waited for someone to open us. "She was the one who invited me in the first place."

"That's the better option" I assured her "The other possible outcome was us drinking hot chocolate in a diner somewhere in my neighborhood and we both know that this is not what Meredith meant when she said go outside, meet some people and maybe have fun."

"Yeah..maybe it's the most important word here." she said through teeth just as the door opened. A young tall boy was the one to welcome us-he wore a football jacket, had blond hair and blue eyes and the minute he saw Elena his happy expression changed to surprised, when he realized she wasn't alone he gave me a confusing look as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Elena, I didn't know you would be here." he commented as he gave me another disapproving look, which however didn't startle me at all. I honestly didn't give a damn about those people, I only wanted to make sure she has a relatively good night considering the circumstances. The way they kept looking at each other, however, showed me that they had history, which neither of them were willing to discuss and..it seemed as if they were more than friends.

"Elena!" a girl popped up from behind the blond guy, before Elena could even give a proper response, though she seemed pretty uncomfortable already and as I realized that our hands are still in each other, I tightened my grip in order to calm her down.

"I'm so happy you're here" the girl continued. This must've been the best friend or so I guessed-she had beautiful dark hair and her eyes were full of light. She was nothing like Elena, who was sad and always tired-this girl was glad she was existing and for a moment I felt again like me and the girl I've come here with are from a whole different world-it was as if we were so much older than those people in front of us as if we've been through hell and back..and I'm guessing I wasn't that far from the truth.

"Bonnie!" Elena smiled and hugged her friend, but not for too long because she had the need to introduce me and once they separated she decided to pay some attention to me. "This is my friend-Stefan. Stefan-Bonnie, my best friend"

"You kidding?" I started as I shook Bonnie' s hand "I thought I was your best friend, Elena. I'm hurt." the girls chuckled and even the blond guy changed his mind and smiled for a short moment.

"I like him already" Bonnie said and pulled me and Elena inside. The house was full and mainly-it was very loud. They both lead us to the kitchen to get a drink, though technically both me and Elena weren't supposed to consume alcohol, but I think she mentioned she wasn't taking her pills right now and she would start them again next week, I still wished she didn't drink tonight. I took a Coke, because well..she thought I was taking my pills and I wanted to keep it that way-I didn't want her to believe that if I'm not doing what I'm told, she should act the same way. I was supposed to set an example for her and I noticed her paying attention to what I'll choose to take, a relieved sigh escaped her as I passed by the beer and didn't pick up one of the glasses, which almost made me smile.

The blond guy was called Matt and he introduced me to some of the other guys there as they all led us out of the rooms and out to the back porch where people were dancing to the loud music and throwing themselves in the pool. I never even knew there was a pool in this house, but I watched as Bonnie started bugging Elena for not taking a suit.

"Come on, Caroline is over there"nBonnie said and took Elena's hand only to lead her to the other end of the yard. Before she followed her friend Elena turned towards me with an apologizing expression, trying to tell me that she doesn't want to leave me like this, but I only smiled trying to reassure her that everything was great. It was her night, her friends-I was simply here to make sure she gets through it all fine. I didn't need to talk to someone or pretend to be friends with them, I didn't like that.

I sat on the stairs, away from the crowd and observed her as she talked to her best friend, in a minute a blond girl with a wavy hair appeared as well with a boy who also looked like a football player or something like that.

For a moment, she completely forgot about me and this honestly made me smile-I wanted to watch her like this-careless, free, feeling good amongst the people she knew probably from a young age. It was true that she seemed a bit uncomfortable talking at the beginning but as far as I could tell, Bonnie seemed to be trying to bring her up to speed concerning the latest events or at least I supposed to as I watched her hands in the air and the way she leaned towards Elena and watched at a couple on the other side of the pool. The blond boy-Matt, who has disappeared for a moment came back to her with a bottle of beer and started talking to her. I immediately felt something inside me, which made me want to punch him in the face, but I tried to calm myself down and remain where I was.

He was insisting on them dancing together and even though Elena wasn't eager to do so in the beginning, it seemed as if she has no other choice so he pulled her in close to her and they started enjoying themselves on the improvised dance floor, close to other couples in that area.

"You having a good time?" I turned abruptly only to see Bonnie smiling in my direction. She has noticed me staring at Elena, who was giving fake smiles to the Matt guy every once in a while. I'm not sure she was really enjoying herself, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it.

"I'm all good, thank you." I responded as she sat beside me, even though I was hoping she would just pass by me.

"So" she started as she took a sip from her beer "How do you know Elena?" she asked and I gave her a confusing glance. It never occurred to me that she might have not said anything to her friends about her condition. This girl however seemed nice, like she really cares about her, that however didn't mean that I should spill out everything I know.

"Uhm..she never mentioned how?" I asked and Bonnie shook her head with a sad smile on her face "Well…I don't know if I should be the one explaining you this, but let's say we both had to be in a place where we didn't want to be at all."

"I haven't really seen her lately" Bonnie started again "I never thought she would actually come tonight, she's been very distant and I'm worried about her." I didn't say anything in the beginning and waited for her to continue while we both observed Matt and Elena still dancing in the distance. I realized my fists were clenched, I've never noticed that until now, I was irritated, I didn't like to see her with this boy who had no idea what was going on in her life and who was bringing her alcohol, when she wasn't supposed to drink at all.

"I can tell that something's wrong" Bonnie' s words brought me back to reality "I just don't know what."

"Well you should maybe give her some time. She's going through some stuff."

She nodded and we remained in silence for a while, my eyes still on Elena as I realized Bonnie was observing me.

'"Matt is a good guy you know?" she started, though I could sense some kind of confusion or uncertainty in her voice "They've tried being together, but ever since her parents died stuff changed and Elena pushed everyone away."

I didn't say anything really. What could I say? The girl that was making my hands shake was currently dancing with a beautiful normal guy, who wasn't imagining his dead father every time he fell asleep and who wasn't struggling to survive every other day-he was normal and I was perfectly aware of the fact that what Elena mostly needed right now was some normality. She should be with someone like this, someone stable, someone with a bright future-someone to pull her out of this mess or at least someone to wait for her once she gets out of the condition she was in. As I observed them, I realized that I might have felt as if I want to punch this guy, but on the other hand I was realizing that he was the better choice. "I can see that you like her though" Bonnie brought me back to reality and I turned towards her with a surprised expression.

"It's nothing like this, we're friends." I tried to assure her, but it only made her chuckle.

"Yeah, right. You know from all the people she could've brought tonight she choose you so that tells me something, even if I might not be really aware of what's going on inside her right now." that girl was really making me laugh. She surely was Elena's best friend, I could tell she cared deeply for her. She suddenly caught me by the wrist and pulled me up

"Come on loner guy, go dance with her." then she stood on her toes and whispered in my ear "I was never rooting for her and Matt to be honest." she pulled back and winked as she pushed me once again towards Elena, who seemed to be getting a little tired. I tried to gather myself and once I approached them she threw me a thankful glance-it seemed as if she wanted to get rid of this situation.

"Can I steal her for a moment?" I asked Matt and even though he was reluctant at first, he smiled at my direction and handed with a slight nod left us alone. I took her hand and she gave me another one of her beautiful smiles-the music has just changed from fast to slow and the couples around us were dancing slowly, hand in hand. It wasn't very typical for this kind of party but I guessed it was a one time deal so I hurried to spin her and hug her as her back fell on my chest. Then she turned her face to me and we started moving slowly to the rhythm. I wasn't much of a dancer if not at all, but I wasn't feeling nervous about that right now, I just wanted to have a moment with her tonight.

She was so close to me and her scent was driving me insane-her hair was tickling me and since I've shaved and didn't have a stubble right now, I was more sensitive to that as usually.

"I'm sorry I left you" she started "Matt wanted to talk some."

"He seems like a nice guy" I commented and she turned towards me abruptly as she furrowed her eyebrows. "I'm just saying, Elena."

"He has no idea what's going on with me-he just wants to flirt some, try to make things between us as before." she sighed heavily "He's part of my previous life."

"Okay" I responded calmly, I wasn't up to arguing with her, moreover I could smell the alcohol in her breath and I wondered how many cups she drank.

"You know that one day you'll get better." I said it more as a statement rather than a question and she looked up at me confused as to why I decided to change the subject "I believe this, actually..I'm sure of it, Elena." she smiled and leaned on my chest. I could feel how tired she was

"And when you do, you'll start all over again." she looked up back up at me and just I leaned gently towards her-our foreheads touched again, just as it was that time on the rooftop. She was driving me insane, I realized I wanted to hold her in my arms all night, I didn't want any other boy to touch her or talk to her and promise her things she couldn't have right now. I wanted her next to me, I needed her even though I was trying to convince myself that there's nothing going on. She closed her eyes and for a short moment we were inches away from each other, our lips almost brushing again.

And then I pulled back-I couldn't do it, I couldn't keep misleading her like this.

"I can't, Elena, I'm sorry." I whispered only so she could hear me. The song we were dancing to, was about to end, people around us were still in their own fantasy moment while we were already abruptly parting away from reality. She sighed, but she didn't seem surprised or scared by what I've just told her.

"I know you're struggling" she said silently "I understand. I'm not mad at you or something" she opened her eyes and put her hands on my cheeks

"If you think I'm not scared you're wrong-I am and honestly, I'm not that scared about myself as I am about you" I looked at her surprised and wondered what she meant by this "You're always talking about how I'll get better, how I'll go on with my life, but what about you, huh? Why are you always leaving yourself behind?" she asked and I swallowed hard as I shook my head and tried to pull away from her. This wasn't the time and place to talk about these things and honestly-she wasn't supposed to even think about me right now. We came here so she could have some time away from all her troubles, to meet with friends, to remind herself that life can be good and that she's after all just a teenage girl and she should live like one.

Fortunately for me, we were interrupted by Bonnie, who put her hand on Elena's shoulder and invited us back inside, to drink and talk some more, maybe even play some game, I couldn't hear very well if I have to be honest. I was just grateful for the fact that I didn't have to explain anything else to Elena and I was feeling already a bit bad, even though I was trying to hide it all from her. On our way there she caught my hand again and didn't want to let me go, which made me smile, but the lump in my throat didn't get smaller.

I was feeling a little bit uncomfortable near the boys-I haven't been talking in a friendly manner with anyone ever since Jack died, but somehow me, Matt and some boy called Tyler, who was the blond girl's boyfriend, started discussing football while the girls talked about their own gossips, though Elena was observing me carefully.

"So which school do you go to Stefan?" Bonnie asked after a while.

"Oh, I go to Robert E. Lee" I answered as I noticed them all looking at me uncomfortable, trying to figure out what to say since it was indeed the school with the worst reputation in our town. At first Jack and me went there together and after I met him officially we started hanging out. Later on, however, he changed that school and went to another one, because they kept bullying him and even though I was trying to help, I couldn't really change stuff so he decided to try and start fresh, while I remained where I was. I supported his decision, though he was feeling bad to leave me alone there, I kept repeating that it's probably for the better, that things will change while in fact they went worse.

"You played football there? They had a nice team before." Matt commented and got us out of the awkward situation.

"Yeah, but I stopped two years ago." I gave him a polite smile while Elena seemed surprised to learn something new about me, but she kept her questions to herself.

We changed the subject pretty fast and started playing never have I ever, which only got Elena more drunk than she already was, even though I remained behind her and kept whispering to keep it down. She was having fun and she even laughed once so I just shrugged my shoulders and accepted that I'll have to most probably carry her home. I liked how those people weren't all bend on making themselves noticed by the rest of the teens there. They just gathered together and tried to have fun on their own, which I found nice. I was hoping that when Elena gets better she can go out more with them, not let herself feel lonely. I understood why she was keeping her distance and didn't want to meet them every day after school-it was hard for her and in the condition she was in it was natural for her to reject everything good in life-to not want to go out, be amongst people. I noticed that the blond girl, I think her name was Caroline, asked her some stuff before we got inside, like where she's been and if she's okay now, which surely made Elena feel even worse. Caroline hasn't really said anything bad-she was just a person, a regular one, who had a normal reality and I'm sure she probably cared about Elena, but she was unaware of what was going on and she was just trying to be supportive in her own way.

I'm aware of the fact that Elena didn't like her time there entirely-that wasn't possible. Every once in a while I noticed her drifting away, thinking about her own stuff, forgetting where she was at all and in those moments I caught her hand and gently squeezed it, trying to remind her where she was and that she wasn't alone. I know it was tough for her to be here, but I also hoped she had at least a little bit fun. I just wanted to see a genuine smile on her face.

After she got completely tired and we realized it was already after midnight, I excused us and took her to the car, while she staggered in my embrace and giggled the way only drunk girls do. She was sweet and she made me smile, exactly because she was in this condition. Before we got in the car however she tripped and in the last moment I managed to caught her, though I hit my back in the car and prevented her from falling.

"Oh my god, Stefan, I'm so sorry" she said and I realized we were again very close to each other, I could sense her perfume and her hands were on my chest. She moved away as she blushed and I looked around myself confused, having the need to be everywhere but here, because I could already feel what was about to happen.

"It's all fine, don't worry. " I assured her and waited for her to move away so I could open the door for her and get going, but she didn't make even the slightest attempt to get off my way. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm all fine." she assured and nervously fixed her dress, though there was no need to do so, then she looked up and I found myself staring at her lips. God, what was she doing to me? Why was I feeling like this, why couldn't I stop myself from leaning down and giving her a kiss right now? Why on earth was I risking everything, why was I bend on making her life even more miserable?

She didn't push me back, there was no way she would do so, she said it herself-she wanted this and she wasn't questioning her decisions, while I was pretty much struggling for a few days with this whole thing, though right now I forgot about it all, I could only think of our lips pressed to each other and the way we were desperately trying to catch our breath, because we couldn't tear each other apart-it felt so good to kiss her, so natural, as if everything in my life fell right where it belonged-I wasn't happy, that wasn't possible right now, but I was calm, my heart was racing, not with fear though, but with passion. Her hands were on my neck and she even ran her fingers at the back of my hair, while I leaned down a bit without interrupting the kiss and lifted her up. She immediately embraced my back with her legs and I turned around, only to switch our places and push her to the car door.

"Elena" I whispered when I finally pulled back, though I could feel she was willing to continue "You're drunk, beautiful girl" I said and she chuckled "It's not right from me to do this."

"Stefan Salvatore" she responded, her drunken cheery voice was giving me life "The sad lonely gentlemen who would never hurt anyone."

"That's not true" I opposed as she leaned on my chest, but remained hugged in me. I wasn't really supposed to pick up heavy stuff after the second time I jumped and mom always scolded me whenever I took Damon in my hands, but Elena was just so light, so small, that it wasn't any trouble to keep her so close to me-on the contrary, I somehow felt a bit better and the weight on my chest got lighter, even if it was for a minute or so "I would hurt anyone who ever does something bad to you." I promised and she smiled with her eyes closed

"This night was good"' she started "It was nice. But tomorrow you know things would get back to what they were before. I would find myself in the same situation I was a week ago and I would feel hopeless again."

"But you'll live through it." I stated with certainty.

"Will I?" she asked and I felt her trembling in my embrace-she was cold and the light wind that was gently playing with her hair, made me shiver a bit as well, so I let her back on her feet, stretched to pull my jacket out of the backseat and covered her bare arms. "And will you?" she asked again as she stopped my hands from trying to zip the sweater and took them in hers

"We will." I responded again, trying to sound as certain as I could as I kissed her on the forehead and tried to hide my own pain from her, because it was there again-the reality was settling in even right now, even before the night has ended. I was trying to assure her in us getting better, but I honestly believed that the one who's going to be okay again is her and I was trying to do my best when it came to that. She leaned back on my chest-somehow a little bit more calmer, which made me relax as well as I've felt her tense before and I didn't want her to break down or feel worse right in this moment, especially after she just had a relatively good time. I didn't like giving her fake promises, I didn't like lying to her and yet I was, for her own good, because I was willing to do whatever it takes, but to see her out of this condition and I'm completely aware of the fact that it won't happen fast, but I'm also going to wait as long as I have and I won't give up until one day I go to the support group meeting and she's not there. That would be the day for me to smile, the day for me to know that I've done something for someone other than myself, that I've really managed to do so and somehow deep down, as I felt her so close to me, her heart beating against my chest, I was certain, yes..I knew that this day would come.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you guys for reading this story. It means a lot. Also, the fact that they had some good time here, doesn't mean it's all fine, just to clear this out. Just as Elena said, tomorrow is another day, reality will set in and things will go back to what they were. If you have any kind of questions you can find me on twitter- Flowing_lantern. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Stefan's POV**

The minute I opened our front door, I heard a happy yell coming from the living room and before I could even put my jacket off, Damon was running towards me, ready to hop up in my embrace. I stretched my hands and picked him up, even though I admit that it caused me some effort to do so. We haven't really seen each other very much this week, mainly because I had a lot to study as the school year was at its end, then again I went with Elena to the party and we had a group meeting that I actually missed, because I was feeling bad and stayed in my room for the whole day, while the little troublemaker, currently residing in my hands was playing outside in the park. He was pretty mad with me yesterday evening, he didn't really want to talk to me, but after I poked him here and there, told him a joke or two, he was back in my lap, listening carefully to every word coming out of my mind. I know that I was a constant disappointment for him, I always failed to keep up to my promises, yet his heart was big enough to forgive me and I loved him even more for that.

"Stefan!" he yelled from joy again and I admired his energy. I was feeling like crap-I had to spent last night studying, because we had two tests today and I was hoping that I've managed to pass at least one of them. Then I talked to Elena for a little while-she sounded very sleepy, but at the same time she said she has fallen and then woken up and now she couldn't go back to it. She was trying to figure out how to pass all those exams as well, so we haven't really seen each other after we went to that party. That doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking about her, of course-I could still feel her lips against mine and the way our worlds collided-God, I had no idea what was going on with me when it came to her. I wish I could figure it out, but I highly doubted that I would. I was lost..in many ways and now I was lost when it came to her as well and that's the one thing I didn't want to happen.

Damon hugged himself very tight in me-he was going to uncle Zach's house tomorrow and then he was leaving for a small vacation with him. I was very glad that he would get away for a while, though I felt him being a little sad. He asked me a few times already why I can't come with him, at least at uncle Zach's house, but that was impossible, because I still had finals and I also had to go to visit the meetings, though that was the last thing on my list.

Honestly, I wanted him to get as far away from me as possible-he needed it, especially after this rough year I had and the numerous times he saw me being in the worst condition possible. I wish mom could also go somewhere on vacation or something and I talked to uncle Zach, asking him if he could take her somewhere for at least a few days and he promised he'll try to figure something out. I was sure that she would put up a fight here, because she didn't want to leave me alone under any circumstances-she was scared out of her mind that I would do something stupid or that things would just mess up. I can't remember the last time she got to go and visit some place and I had so much guilt in myself when it came to her to begin with, so I was really hoping there would be a way for her out of this flat as well.

"Hey, buddy!" I tried to sound cheerful as well, as I rubbed his back. When he finally let me go there was a big smile on his face "Are you ready to go, huh?"

"Yeaaah." he nodded eagerly "But I don't want to leave you." he added with a sad expression on his face and hugged himself in me again. Before I could start calming him down, mom appeared from the living room and as soon as she saw us, she crossed her arms on her chest as she was trying to appear angry with us.

"Stefan, you're not supposed to pick him up." she started with a worried voice and I pretended that I've not heard her so she turned to my little brother "Damon, you're six years old already, when will you stop with this, huh?"

"It's okay" I hurried to speak up "I'll pick him up, even when he's seventeen if he still wants to, right buddy?" I asked as I ruffled his hair and he nodded eagerly once again, his blue eyes so light from happiness. I was glad I was seeing him like this.

"What about when I get old?" he asked and furrowed his eyebrows

"I'll pick you up when you're a grandpa as well."

"Yeah, if you can walk by then" mom cut us off "Put him down, Stefan." she ordered and as I sighed, I finally let Damon go while ruffling his hair. She approached me and wanted to take my bag from my hand, but I stopped her and headed towards the kitchen after the jumping in front of us Damon.

"Come on, buddy, I've got you something." I said and Damon's face lit up as I opened my bag and started searching for something, just as if I was Santa Claus. "Close your eyes and stretch your hands." I ordered and even though he wasn't really willing to do so, he listened to me and I put the package in his hands. The minute he felt me doing so, he opened his eyes and as soon as he realized what it was he started yelling.

"Moooooom, mom, look. Stefan got me a new Captain America shirt!" he started jumping around us, which made mom laugh. I haven't seen her laugh in a long time. We watched Damon changing the grey shirt he was wearing with the new one he's just got.

"You look great, sweetheart.' mom told him as she approached us and leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead

"Make sure you keep it clean though." she added and just as he was about to head to the couch and continue laughing from joy she caught his hand and stopped him "Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked and looked up at me. Damon immediately figured it out, caught my hand and made me kneel down as well so he can hug me.

"Thank you, Stefan. You're the best brother ever." then he let me go and hurried to keep going with whatever he had planned in his head for his last evening at home.

"You're really spoiling him." mom commented and I felt her hand on my shoulder. I still haven't stood up, I was so tired, I swear I could fall asleep on the kitchen floor, but somehow I found strength to get up, though when I did so, I felt the need of leaning on the door post-she was right, I shouldn't have picked him up, but I managed to hide this from her. "You look sleepy, you should go get some rest, okay?" she said and for the first time in forever I didn't argue with her, instead I headed to my room, tossed myself in bed and looked up at my phone, before taking the decision to maybe try and get some sleep. I was surprised when I saw a text from Elena-she wasn't the one to text and I wondered why she didn't just call, but I wasn't about to start questioning her-she thought about me and that's what mattered most. A smile appeared on my face, a genuine one, just like my brother's and even though I really didn't want to admit it-it was because of her.

_Elena: Where the hell were you yesterday? _

That's Elena Gilbert everybody-she gets right to the point. Before I could even respond her she send a second message and I was already beginning to laugh silently to myself.

_Elena: I swear to God, if you're thinking you can trip me into going to these stupid meetings without you, you're dead, mister._

_Elena: And don't you dare find some bullshit excuse-you owe me. It was awful. I had to sit next to that skinny kid, who picks his nose._

I was already finding it hard to catch my breath-she kept it coming though, she was pissed off at me.

_Elena: Stefan? _

_Elena: Seriously, you're gonna put the silent treatment on me here? I know you've finished school and you've already dragged your skinny ass home, so answer me or I'll come kick your butt myself._

I was just about to start responding when yet another one was sent. I swear to God, this girl would be the end of me-she was away and yet she was making me feel a little bit better. How did that happen huh? It was supposed to be the other way around-I was supposed to be the one, who keeps her sane and makes her feel like it's worth going on. Now what? She was pulling my own tricks on me?

_Elena: Seriously, are you okay?_

Now she sounded worried and obviously decided to wait this time, which was exactly what I needed right now.

_I'm fine, just tired. Sorry, I wasn't there yesterday, I should've called you. _

_Elena: Damn right you should've._

I smiled again as I imagined her sitting in her bed, with her eyebrows furrowed, books and lists everywhere around her, because she was studying now as well, her hair in a messy bum, a nice grey or no..not grey Elena liked colorful things so maybe red or green shirt, the big circles under her eyes a little less invisible, maybe because she has managed to get some sleep these days and her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, nervously staring at the phone, waiting for me to give her a proper response, to explain to her what was going on when I couldn't even explain it to myself. We chatted a little bit more and I promised, I'll call her later.

I lied there and stared at the ceiling, thinking about the first time I ever saw her and how long ago it was. God, she was the most beautiful girl back then and she wasn't even aware of this, because that was the point her life got ruined, it was a moment she was fighting for her own life.

I closed my eyes and let the memory emerge. Who knows, maybe it would help me fall asleep.

_It's been just a few hours since I've finally woken up and my mom hugged me and kept me in her arms for more than ten minutes, refusing to let me go so that the doctors can check me up-I've never in my life seen her so scared and at the same time relieved that I was alive. _

_She was happy, while I was still trying to understand what was going on here-from what I could gather, I was in a comma for about a week or so and they weren't very optimistic to me waking up soon, but obviously I did. _

_The last thing I could recall was standing at the edge of that rooftop, thinking how much I love my brother, mom and Jack, but how it was for the greater good, it was a way out and I needed it, because I was going insane. I couldn't keep it together anymore. I never expected to wake up back in reality, simply because I've planned things this time, not like the first one and I've chosen a higher place, a spot from where it was impossible to survive and yet here I was-my head hurt so much it was hard for me to form a decent sentence, don't let me start on the way my whole back felt. When the doctor finally made my mom go away he said I was on the verge of putting myself in a wheelchair-it was a miracle I haven't broken my spine in two, but the damage was still pretty bad and I could barely make my toes move, let alone sit straight or anything like this-it was going to be a long process they said. I didn't care about this-for now I was glad that my physical pain was so strong that it was preventing me from thinking about the stuff that were really troubling me. _

_I was mad at myself, I was angry-I wasn't supposed to be here dammit, I didn't want this. I couldn't believe that it was my second failure, I was so certain there would be no other possible outcome of me jumping this time and yet here I was, my mom sobbing in the corridor as they are taking me out of my room and moving me upstairs for some tests and an MRI to see the damage in my brain better or something like this- I was barely listening to them. The hallway was full of people going up and down and the noise made me even more irritated. Once we were out of the room, I saw the only person I was comfortable being around right now jumping from its seat and coming next to me-my buddy Jack, with the big circles under his eyes, his dark hair sticking up in every possible direction, his whole expression worried, which was a surprise to me-Jack never got worried. The doctor, who was pushing the bed stopped as he saw that Jack wouldn't just let go and was willing to wait for a few minutes_

"_Hey you bastard" he greeted me and searched for my hand. I was practically paralyzed, I couldn't really move, my arms were the only parts of my body that didn't hurt right now. I was finding it even hard to breathe "You fucked up again, huh?"_

"_Jack" I said with a smile and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to gather my strength, but also desperate to hide my tears as I feel his grip tighten a bit-he knows what's going on here, he's not stupid. He's completely aware of the fact that I'm mad about the whole situation and on top of it-I'm in pain, I might not be able to move my ass in the next month if not more and that makes everything even worse. _

"_Stefan, I have to get you upstairs" the doctor says without giving us the chance to even exchange a few words. Jack honestly seems very tired and wrecked, which scares me, but I try to push those thoughts away-he's gotta be okay, he can't break down now when I'm unable to help him. I can't even do anything for myself, let alone for my best friend. He nods to the doctor, but before he let's go of me he leans down and says silently, only so I could hear him._

"_I know you're very disappointed, but I'm glad you're here." he gives me a sincere smile "I'll be here when you come back down, okay?" he assures and I smile. _

_This person is like a brother to me, I have no idea what I would do if he wasn't here. I swear I was on the verge of breaking down until I saw him. Of course, that would probably happen later anyway, but for now at least for now I know there's someone else out there, someone who understands-he knows I'm disappointed and he's completely aware of the fact that he could've been to the graveyard right now if it wasn't for this lucky outcome. _

_I pass by him and we get to the elevator. The doctor-a male in his forties, is worriedly tapping his fingers on my bedside-I remember him from the last time I was here, then he was helping Rose, who was now I guessed too busy to come and scold me thanks God. _

_My mind is a messed up place right now and the fact that he's staring at me like I'm about to pass out any minute is not helping-I am indeed in pain and I'm having a hard time keeping myself awake and mostly-sane, but obviously right now I have no other options. And actually, not only right now, but for the upcoming days as well. I have to go on with my life right now and God, I swear I can see how the next months are going to be like from now on-my mom hovering over me, Damon sadly asking if he can lie in bed with me, wondering when his big brother will get better and Meredith coming to my house, talking to me, desperate to know what pushed me to do this again and like usually I won't give her an answer. _

_Why did I do this, huh? Why did I want it all to end-reality was crushing me, I was barely breathing anymore, I was crying myself to sleep every night, I was dreaming about my father and how he begs me to stay here and not follow his example-I was a wreck and the only person, who could probably foresee my plans was Jack. He knew something was terribly wrong with me and I'm pretty sure he was about to tell Meredith, but I was faster than him, I surprised him and just did what I've been planning to do._

_I remembered now that I put my diary in my top cupboard on purpose before I left-I wanted mom to find it later when she would clean my room after I'm gone. I never left letters, I thought that was too cruel, but in my diary I put down my thoughts and at least, I thought, she would be able to get a clearer picture of how I was feeling before I did what I did. My memory was slowly recovering and I started recalling everything I did before I got out-I've showered, put my best shirt on, my new jeans, I even shaved and combed my hair-you have to be good looking in death right? _

_Damon was still at school, I knew that, I remember going in his room and smiling as I thought of him jumping around me every time he saw me. I remember hoping mom would lie to him about the way I would die-I didn't want him to get hurt, but the truth was..he would, no matter what the story's going to be. With father it was easier, because he didn't remember him very much, but now..now he would remember his brother and when he grows old he would understand the truth-how half his family killed themselves._

_Maybe the reason I'm here now is a punishment, because I was selfish. I was selfish and I wanted to get away, but I never considered the fact that I'm leaving other people behind me. I was leaving my little brother-the kid, who was confused and curious, full of life and energy-the little fellow who woke me up on a Saturday morning after I've finally managed to fall asleep after days of not being able to do so. I shook my head and tried to push the thought of my little brother away, because it made everything even more painful and yet I wondered where he was right now. Probably at uncle Zach's. I doubted mom ever left the hospital and above all she looked more ruined than I was, she wouldn't be sane enough to watch him right now. _

_Once we went off the elevator, the doctor took me down the hallway and a nurse helped him get me inside a small room from which I could see the other one with the MRI. Once we stepped in however, we realized there was another doctor waiting with another patient. At first it was hard for me to see who was lying in that bed, but once I moved up a bit, even when it caused me pain I realized it was a girl. _

_A beautiful girl with a wet hazelnut hair, spilled on the pillow, her eyes closed, her face very pale , she had one of those oxygen tubes coming from her nose and continuing across her cheeks, tugged behind her ears-she looked so peaceful, so calm, but also as if she was on the verge of letting go._

"_What the hell are you two doing here, Robertson?" the other doctor, who was just next to the girl's bed, checking her pulse with his big rough hand turned towards mine._

"_What does it look like I'm doing? I need to get him in there as soon as possible- he's in pain, I can't keep him up here for long." Robertson, my good usually calm doctor, protested and tried to give the person in front of him a warning look. I was already dying from the pain, but somehow observing that girl made me forget about everything going on inside me. I couldn't tear myself away from her-she looked so sad even with her eyes closed. I wondered what happened to her._

"_No way. I came here first. And this girl just went through an accident, I'll have to get her to surgery soon, but I need to use the MRI first, okay?"_

"_You don't understand" Robertson started arguing again "This boy just woke up from a one week comma, I have no idea what's the damage in his brain and until I understand his life is in danger. Let alone that he's about to pass out, because he's hurting like hell."_

"_Well, give him morphine while you wait" the other man pushed the girl's bed towards the exit and Robertson tried to stop him, but I spoke up with my hoarse voice and they both turned their attention back to me, failing to notice my presence and even the fact that I was awake all this time until now._

"_Let the girl go first, doc" I started "I can wait."_

"_Stefan!" Robertson started but I shook my head and the other doctor thanked me with a simple nod as he took the girl out. I tried to move up and see her one last time. _

"_You really shouldn't have done that" the doc sighed as he sat down next to me just after he checked my pupils with his flash "The next hour will be hell for you."_

"_What happened to her?' I asked instead, ignoring his comment. Pain was okay for me, pain kept me sane, I could deal with it for a little while longer, or so I thought._

"_She was in a car accident with her parents" he started and ran his fingers through his hair "They went off the bridge and she's the only one who survived."_

"_Will she be okay?' I asked naively, as a child. She looked as a ghost, she didn't deserve to die. _

_Here I was-a boy who would give anything, but to leave this world and there she was-a girl whose name I didn't even know, fighting for herself, deserving to be here. I wondered what her life was like, I wondered if she enjoyed going to school, if she had siblings, if there would be anyone waiting for her to wake now that her parents are dead? I wondered about so many things-we were both strangers, but we were human and I realized yet again how nothing in this life would be fair if she dies, because I've wanted this so bad and yet I was here while she never expected anything to happen and she was barely still in this world._

"_You really should be thinking about yourself right now." Robertson said and pulled my bed next to the bench he was about to sit on. Once he did, he looked up back at me and I hurried to avoid his stare, I even tried to raise up a bit and maybe see the girl again, but the only thing I could distinguish was her beautiful brown hair. _

When I opened my eyes-it was already dark outside, the evening was setting in. I smiled to myself as I remembered how later when they got her out of the room she was still so beautifully pale and I thought how unfair it would be if she died.

I never saw her again in the hospital, I don't know how long she was there or where her room was. I think that there was this one time Jack has come to see me and he was pushing my wheelchair to the vending machine on the other side of the hallway, when I caught a glimpse of her-she was up, walking, a woman in her thirties and a boy who seemed to be around sixteen, supporting her from both sides. She still seemed like a ghost, too lost in her own mind, but nonetheless she remained the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I remember thinking about what it must've been for them to tell her that her parents are dead-it must've ruined her and after Jack has taken his Coke from the machine, we unwillingly left this part of the hospital, though I kept peaking up behind his back, which made him question me what's this all about until I told him. He laughed and mocked me some, then even proposed to go back and try to figure out which her room was, but I refused-it was wrong from us to do this and he agreed. I was just glad she was alive.

Later, when I saw her for the first time in our support group session, with the same woman, behind her back, who was however now talking to Meredith, I realized who she was and I couldn't believe it. I immediately paid attention to her and even when I tried, I couldn't stop looking in her direction-she was even prettier than when I first saw her and I wondered how that could be, but later on, however, I realized that this is not the most important thing-I wanted to hear what has happened to her, I wanted to know why she has got to the point where she had to come to this unfortunate place. I already knew her parents were dead, but was there something else?

And then, when I found out she has tried to take her life away, I was just so mad, I couldn't keep myself from getting angry, because I've really wanted her to survive back in the hospital, you could say that I've pretty much dared life to prove me wrong and keep her alive and well and then here she was-she tried to do what I've done and that was simply wrong. It's not how it was supposed to be-yeah, sure, she could get sad and grieve for a while, but she wasn't supposed to try and take her life away-she wasn't supposed to get a hold of my reality, because it was a painful one.

After I saw her that day, I spent the better half of my evening thinking how on earth this happened to her and why nobody did anything to prevent it, mostly, I was realizing how fate was laughing in my face for yet another time, it was trying to tell me we were all doomed and I simply didn't want to accept that. Yes, I've realized that there probably won't be a way out for me, but there should be for her-she was just a beautiful wrecked girl, who had to see her parents die and she shouldn't be here, she shouldn't be surrounded by all those doomed people, losing her faith in live in live even more.

So I thought a lot about it and I thought about Jack and how he was supposed to be here with me and then I promised myself that I would try to help her in his honor, that I would try to do something for this girl, because that's not what she deserved, just like death is not something Jack deserved. I still realize that it'll be hard and that it will mean putting a lot of effort, but seriously that doesn't scare me-I would be there for her and I would do whatever I can to live to the day when she'll be out of this condition.

I heard a knock on the door and raised myself up a bit from the bed, only to see Damon sheepishly peaking behind the door, wondering if I'm sleeping or not.

"Stefan?" he asked, his voice a bit sad. I've expected him to be all enthusiastic and eager to leave, but I knew he would be also a little bit sad and now that reality was setting in, he was starting to doubt his going away so he needed someone to lean on. "Are you sleeping?"

"I'm not, buddy. Come here." he was still dressed in his new shirt, but he had some chocolate on his cheek-a clear sign that he has eaten in front of the TV without paying attention to what's going on, because he was too busy staring at the cartoons. He rushed to come to my bed and sit right to me with a serious expression on his face. It took me a while to realize that he was staring at the photo of me and Jack put on the desk next to us.

"What's up?"I asked him and pulled him down next to me, only so he could cuddle in my embrace and lean his dark ruffled hair on my chest.

"I'm kinda..afraid to go." he started, clearly feeling embarrassed.

"It'll be okay, Damon" I started explaining "By the time uncle Zach has to drop you off, you wouldn't want to come home, believe me. And then again you'll have a lot of fun with him tomorrow while you're still in town, you know? I'm sure he'll buy you many things." he nodded in understanding and I felt him relax a little bit, for a moment I thought he has closed his eyes and that he was about to fall asleep, but then he spoke up again.

"Will you be okay while I'm gone?' he said and that really surprised me, he has never asked me this before, it wasn't like him to worry about those kind of things, simply because well..he was a child.

"I promise, I will be." I said with certainty

"And you'll call me?" he wanted to make sure, even though he asked me about this already

"Every day if you want me to." he hugged himself even closer and tightened his grip, he really didn't want to let go, so I kept rubbing his back until he relaxed and shortly after that he was asleep and even drooled on my clean t-shirt, but I loved having him so close to me, because it would be some time before he comes back home and I knew I would miss him.

I closed my eyes and felt myself dozing off as well. I remember feeling good as I realized I would finally get some sleep.

In an hour or so, however, I woke Damon up, because I've started yelling in my sleep as I had another bad dream with my father. Mom ran towards my room, picked him up and calmed him down, because he was startled after he was so abruptly woken up and he was so scared he cried out. My t-shirt was wet again, sweat was coming down my forehead and as I ran my trembling fingers through my hair, I asked myself if I'll be capable of remaining sane enough to really help Elena.

* * *

**A/N: Hope that flashback made things a little bit clearer for you. It was a simple coincidence that they got to meet each other in the hospital, or more like for him to meet her there. I don't want to present him as a stalker or something like this, he just saw her, she took his breath away and then he decided he would never see her again, but life proved him wrong and he couldn't believe that she got to survive, but later on wished to take her life away, which is why he figured he should do something about it. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Stefan's POV**

Elena was hugging herself in me, opening and closing her eyes every now and then, her breathing was a little heavy, as if there was some kind of weight in her chest that was preventing her from getting enough air, and there was indeed.

We were sitting in her living room couch, the house was empty and nothing but silence surrounded us. I could still tell where exactly did the tears rolled down on her cheeks as they were still not dry and even my shirt was a bit wet. I was gently rubbing her back or stroking her head every now and then-for now we weren't talking.

When she called me I could tell she was breaking down. I've just got out of my Physics final and when I turned my phone on, I saw that I had 22 missed calls from her-I went insane. I thought that she has done something stupid again and that it might not be even her calling but her aunt, to tell me the worst news. For a moment, I felt my legs shaking and I had to lean on the wall in the hallway, before I managed to get myself together and pick her up, finally.

I really don't know what exactly happened-when I got to the house she was silently weeping in her room, with a photo of her and her dad in hands, breaking down little by little. I picked her up and we went to the bathroom, so I could clean her face, but she obviously felt sick so she staggered a bit and made the whole thing a lot more harder. However, I managed to put her hair in a very messy ponytail while trying to be very careful, because at first she was afraid from me touching her, then I leaned her down on the sink and tried to bring the water to her face, but she was scared, I'm guessing because when they fell off the bridge she was drowning and right now she was remembering every little detail of that night and it was scaring the hell out of her, so when I figured that I can't make her splash some water on her face, I took some tissues I found in her room, wetted them and waited until she was sane enough to let me touch her. It was hard for me to make her let go of the picture as well, she has tightened her grip and didn't want to let go, she was trying to hold onto memories, because reality was too fucked up for her. She was just a girl, who desperately wanted her father back and there was just no way this could happen. I knew, because I wanted my father back as well.

I couldn't figure out why she was alone in the house, she has obviously come home from school and the evening was setting in-probably her brother was outside somewhere and her aunt might have been to work, I had no idea, but I felt really bad that there wasn't anyone else when this happened to her. I'm glad she called though, I'm glad she figured there was someone out there who would come no matter what.

When I helped her clean her face I figured her shirt was pretty much wet, because while I was trying to make her wash herself she splashed water all over herself and me, so I had to make her sit down and ask where her clean shirts were.

She was practically like a baby-sometimes when you're in this condition you freeze and you forget about everything that's surrounding you, you can't move, you don't even see who's there, you don't listen to them-I know, because I do this every time I get into a really big hole-I shut myself off the world. Once, I heard my mom talking to Meredith that she was scared I wasn't responding at all-she might've as well pour a bucket of cold water all over me and I wouldn't react. So, when Elena didn't give me a proper answer, I looked around and found some clothes, carefully ironed and folded on the chair next to the desk, I picked up a nice purple shirt with some cartoons on and got back to her trying to figure out how I'll make her undress.

I got myself together again for the second time today, I had to, right here, right now, she was my friend and she needed me, I had no right to have any other inappropriate thoughts-I had to be there for her, just like I was there for Jack all those times and like he was there for me, changing my puked t-shirts and cleaning my mess when my mom wasn't home and my whole world has shattered. So I gently moved her hands up and though the shirt was a little bit stuck in her hair I managed to pull it out while also trying to ignore the fact that she was wearing a really nice black bra, and hurried to change her into the nice purple one-she was shivering though, she was cold, for unknown to me reasons so I found a sweater tossed at the end of her bed and tugged her in-she was like a sick person right now, like a child who needed help. She was so fragile, so thin-I had to make her eat something, I had to figure out a way to bring her back to reality. Before I decided we should head downstairs, however I noticed the pills on her the bedside cupboard and wondered if she remembered to even take them today, she was supposed to be back on them for a few days.

"Elena, you took your pills today, huh?" I asked hopefully, praying that she'll answer. At first it seemed I was unsuccessful, but then I kneeled down before her, took her hands and made her look up, she finally saw me, like really saw me and shook her head. It took me a while to make her take them, but eventually I succeeded and then we needed another fifteen minutes to get downstairs, because she was barely walking. When she sat down on the couch she pulled herself next to me and I had no other choice but to hug her while slowly making the realization that she's coming back to me-I could feel it, the way she looked up at me from time to time, as if she was making sure I wasn't going anywhere and that she was indeed not alone.

"Thank you" she whispered after a while, it was barely audible, I'm not sure I've really heard it, but when she moved her eyes towards me, I knew she has said something and I tried to give her a weak smile. I leaned down and I kissed her on the forehead as I watched her let a relived sigh out, she was getting back, though her grip was still very tight.

I didn't know what to tell her-It's going to be okay was too cliché and we both knew that it wasn't going to be okay, not now for sure. Now it was hell and we'll have to get through it, slowly, with our own pace, until she gets out of there and I would be the thing she could lean on even when she can't find sense in anything anymore. We remained like this for a while, just hugged in each other and for me it meant the world, it made me feel a whole lot better as I haven't slept ever since that night I woke Damon up and it's been two days since he left.

"Have you thought about what's out there after…we die?" she asked again after a while as she was still staring at the photo in her hand every now and then. I raised up a bit and took it away from her, only to put it on the table, away from her.

"Do you know why I don't wear white shirts?" I asked her as I changed the subject, I was going to answer her question, but a bit later.

She shook her head in my embrace and waited patiently

"When I.." I swallowed, I really shouldn't have started this subject "You know..came back from home that afternoon and found my father…" she immediately searched for my hand resting on my hip and tightened her grip. She knew how hard it was for me to talk about this and it was more or less the first time I spoke about it in her company

"He was wearing a really nice white shirt, it was just so clean, my mom has probably also ironed it for him in the morning, but I'm not sure, I never asked her. It was just so..white, so perfect, it made him even look younger, I'm not sure if it was because he was already..dead or because of the shirt, but I just, ever since then I couldn't wear anything white and not imagine him up there on the ceiling."

"So you threw all your white shirts?" she asked, her voice still very hoarse.

"I didn't have that much to be honest." our fingers intertwined and I smiled as she moved a bit, searching for a comfortable place in my embrace

"But yeah, I did. They reminded me of him and I needed to eliminate the possibilities of breaking down every fifteen minutes or so, just because I might pass by a mirror and realize that the only thing that comes to my mind is his lifeless body." I cleared my throat and kissed the top of her head yet again, not because I was still trying to bring her back, but because I was in need to calm myself down

"So what broke you down today?" I asked after a minute or so and I felt her shiver a bit for yet another time when I mentioned the problem so I rubbed her arms, trying to make her feel better. "Was it the photo?"

"No" she hurried to respond "I think the photo is what kept me from going completely down there." her voice sounded a little better now and I found myself relaxing a bit as well. I didn't realize until now that I was worried like hell about her.

I waited patiently until she finally decided she should continue, she was obviously having a hard time finding her words

"I just passed by the cemetery today after school and I guess…it really got me yet again that they are not here. I don't think anyone has visited their graves lately, the flowers I've last left were scattered away from the wind." it was my turn to tighten my grip "Do you go sometimes?" she asked "To see your father?"

"No." I responded abruptly and even a little sternly which made her look up confused and I hurried to give her an apologizing smile "I've been there only once, at the funeral. I sometimes go to Jack's grave, but not that often lately." it was too hard to think of your best friend buried in the ground under you, the pain was unbelievable so I understood how she must've felt when she went there today-it has shattered her and when she came home she just broke down.

"That doesn't mean you should stop visiting your parents of course." I added, afraid that she'll follow my example "There will be a day, when you'll find yourself feeling in piece when you go there…today is just not that day is all." I assured her with a smile and she moved up a bit to give me a kiss on the cheek, which almost made me blush. For a moment I closed my eyes as I felt her relaxing back on my chest-she wasn't shivering anymore and God, how sleepy I felt, I was scared, I would fall asleep right here.

"You never answered my question" she whispered, her voice sounding sleepy as well, I wasn't sure how much it would be before she dozed off herself "About life after death." she continued reminding me, even though I've already remembered what she was talking about. I couldn't figure why she was in such a desperate need of an answer, maybe it was because she got to visit her parents today and she thought where they must be right now or maybe she was just wondering what would've happened to her if she has succeeding killing herself with the pills "Have you ever thought about that?"

"Of course, I have." I hurried to answer, because I was taking too much time already as I was drowning in my own thoughts "I've tried to kill myself twice, remember?" I said with a cheery voice, not making a big deal out of it "You always think about those stuff when you decide to do this."

"I don't remember thinking about it myself, if I have to be honest." she said seriously, her eyes still closed, but her eyebrows furrowed, which meant she was trying to remember yet again what she felt like when she took the decision.

"I'm sure it wasn't your priority. Anyway" I sighed "Yes, I do believe there's something out there after we die." her brown ocean of sadness met my green sleepy stare "I had to believe, you see. Because of my brother."

"Because of Damon?" she was confused, she couldn't see where I was going with it.

"Yeah. I figured that he'll have to grow up all alone, but he'll remember me, so it will hurt him when he realizes what I've done..and I knew that if I can't be there for him in life, I got to be at least waiting out there for when he's done with his own journey here on earth." she was still looking up at me, I could figure what was going on in her mind and for a moment I even got a bit scared "I know it sounds very stupid." I added sheepishly, still waiting for her reaction.

"It's not stupid at all." she responded and released her hand from mine, only to put it on my cheek and I realized her fingers were still so cold

"Do you realize that even in death you're not thinking about yourself?" her voice was silent again, as if she didn't want the rest of the world to be able to hear her talk, she wished I could be the only one to understand her and I hoped I really was, but I shook my head, trying to remind her that she's not completely right here.

"The act of killing yourself is selfish enough, Elena." I opposed, but she furrowed her eyebrows and wanted to continue arguing, though I put my hand on hers and that immediately calmed her down, so she relaxed back in my hands and in about five minutes or so she was out, breathing steady, but still wrapped around me and it was impossible for me to get up or do anything at all, so I closed my eyes as well and even though I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, because I had to think about her and pay attention if she wakes up, I relaxed a bit.

Which is why I never heard the front door open or the steps coming towards us or I would've maybe tried to get away and leave the house, before this happened..but it was too late already.

"What the hell is going on here?" I almost jumped from the couch and Elena immediately felt the tension in my body so she started waking up as well. By the time we were both sane enough to realize what was going on, her brother was already in front of me-his arms crossed on his chest and a very angry expression on his face. He was a young boy, maybe sixteen or so, dressed in the same football jacket that Matt guy was wearing, which meant he was a football player, his hair was just like Elena's only of course-shorter and his eyes were brown, but darker brown.

"Jer?" Elena mumbled, still confused as she moved away from my embrace and tried to stand up, but obviously the task was quite a bit hard for her. Her brother didn't notice that though, he was too focused on me. I didn't even had the time to realize what was going on, but just as I've stood up and was about to start talking to him, explaining what went wrong, he grabbed my t-shirt.

"Hey, hey, what the hell is wrong here?" I started, but he didn't remove his hands. I wasn't about to start fighting with her brother.

"What are you doing with my sister?" he asked through teeth and I looked up at Elena confused, she was already by his side and she put her hand on his.

"Jer, he was just helping me out. I was alone, I felt bad and I called him." he let me go and I tried to fix my shirt. I should get going, it's obvious the boy hates me for some reason.

"I don't want you anywhere near my sister." he turned towards me again, ignoring Elena's words, it was like she hasn't spoken up at all. There was this madness in his eyes-he was going to do anything to protect her and I understood him, the boy wasn't wrong after all, I was a mess, I shouldn't be coming to their house and play boyfriend with his sister-I should be as far away as possible.

"Jeremy, what are you doing?" Elena was getting mad and that's the last thing I wanted, she should be close with her brother, not drift away, just because of me.

"What am I doing?" he finally paid her some attention as he tossed his hands in the air and threw me another spiteful glance "More like what are _you_ doing, Elena? I know this boy-he's wrong for you." oh he knew me, okay that's a bit too much, but I still get him-he's a kid, who's just protecting his sister.

"It's fine, Elena" I interrupted her before she could've responded something, which would have made them argue even more and I would hate myself for that

"I'll just leave." I headed to the door under Jeremy's stern look while Elena kept calling me, though I was trying not to pay any attention. I just wanted out of this house, it suddenly became too hard for me to breath, I couldn't remember the last time I have eaten something and I was on the verge of falling asleep before her brother interrupted us, but I was already on the front porch and even if I staggered while taking the stairs down, I managed to prevent myself from falling and to gather my strength back.

I could hear them arguing from the inside-him trying to explain that she shouldn't be hanging out with me and her saying that he had no idea who I was, but I stopped listening to them, I couldn't-it hurt too much so I headed home slowly, but before that I decided to use the fake ID Jack has sponsored me with such a long time ago, and buy myself some alcohol. I shrugged my shoulders as I got out of the store with the bottle in my hands-I think mom was working nightshift today or was this yesterday? Did it matter really?

**Elena's POV**

I was really mad about what happened with Stefan and my brother the other day, but I think I was far more worried from the fact that he wasn't picking up his phone, or more like-that it was off, it scared me and I really didn't know what to do, but I was trying to calm myself down with the fact that we had a support group meeting this afternoon and that maybe he'll come, I was praying that he would. Me and Jer we kept arguing for the next half an hour after he was gone and he almost brought me to tears until aunt Jenna came home, gave him a speech and send him to his room.

I told her everything and she said she was sorry and she would try to talk to Jeremy, I understood that he simply wanted to protect me, but he didn't know Stefan at all, he has just heard some things, obviously after asking around about him, like the fact that he had tried to kill himself twice and that he was going to a bad school-my brother obviously didn't consider Stefan to be sane enough to be around me, but the truth is that Jeremy had no idea how bad I was. He was ignoring the problem and he thought I would be fixed if I continue going to those meetings, but he was convinced I shouldn't communicate with people who had the same problem as me, because that was just wrong. And I wanted to kick his ass for this, but I couldn't. He was my brother and I partly understood him, but he's been acting like a total asshole ever since he joined the football team and got a pretty nice girlfriends. I knew he was going through his own personal crises after mom and dad died, but he had no right to act like this towards me and towards a person who has helped me more in the past month and a half than any of them.

Since Jenna was a little bit delayed at work, we arrived late for the meeting and I realized I was running towards the room for the first time ever, only because I wanted to see him and I was praying so hard for him to be behind this door that it almost made my hands shake. I got myself together before entering, though and I sighed relived when I saw him.

The chairs were as always put in a circle and everyone were writing down something on a piece of paper, it took me a while to find where he was though I knew the place he always sat and when I did I tried to smile, even though right at this moment he wasn't looking, he was just staring at the blank page in front of him. When I found myself a free place, Meredith acknowledged my presence, gave me a list and explained that I should write my biggest fear on it by using just one word, he finally looked in my direction and tried to give me a fake smile. I couldn't return with the same, simply because I was stunned about the fact that he seemed so…ruined. His hair was a mess, his deep green eyes were somehow darker than usually, his face seemed tired, his shirt was crumpled and he saw that I was having troubles determining what was going on so he looked away as if he was ashamed that I was seeing him like this and that made me feel even worse, but I tried to go back to the assignment and write my biggest fear while throwing him confused glances every now and then, waiting to see if he'll decide to participate.

Once we were all done, Meredith started from Stefan's end, there were however three people before him, one of which has written what I have-loneliness. And I realized how cliché that sounds-I'm afraid of being lonely. That's the stupidest thing ever. Right? I started doubting myself, wondering if I'm really being honest here and as I lost myself in thoughts, I didn't realize Stefan's turn has come. Meredith was already looking at him expectantly and he took a few minutes to get himself together after she called his name.

He turned the list back towards us…and it was empty. He hasn't written a single word out there-nothing. It was a just a big fat nothing. And somehow the most frightening thing was that no one was really surprised-that scared the hell out of me-they've all expected something like this from him, which meant they also couldn't picture him getting out of this room any time soon and that made me shiver.

"Stefan" Meredith sighed tiredly "Really?" she wasn't even trying to hide the annoyance in her voice "You got to at least start trying, I'm not asking for very much here-just a simple word on a white page."

Stefan, however, smiled knowingly. He seemed like such an old soul, not bothered even the slightest by everyone else's ignorance in this room, not expecting anything from anyone, aware of the fact that the world, the universe-they don't give a damn about you and that won't ever change.

"But, doc, you see" he started, not paying attention to the fact that she was getting impatient and sick of his games "The truth is that I wrote something…you just can't see it." his wasn't trying to sound sarcastic, he appeared to be for once serious and that is what surprised me and what I noticed that everyone else didn't.

"Oh, yeah?" Meredith's voice was implying that this boy was indeed getting mad-And what's that, because I can't see anything as I'm sure the rest of the people in this room.

"You can" he insisted again "It's there, I just didn't need to use any ink to put it down" he smiled, then finally stood up as everyone else were doing when they were given the word "What I fear most is emptiness" he spoke up after a minute or so and I realized that finally everyone in this room were holding their breaths, waiting patiently for him to continue talking. They were bored anymore, they were listening carefully to what he was about to say

"That's the weight that's pushing me so hard sometimes that I can't get up, it's what makes it hard for me to breathe, it's in the air that fills my room and every morning I wake up for school, I'm scared-terrified even of realizing that I feel empty." he took a deep breath

"Emptiness is what my mother fears most as well-I can see her searching for it in my eyes once I get out of my room. Emptiness is what makes my little brother cry and ask her what's wrong with me." his voice didn't break, it remained steady and hoarse, he didn't want anyone to pity him, he was just introducing us in his reality

"But you know, a wise man said a long time ago that if you embrace your fears, you have the best shot at beating them and I can tell you this is complete and total bullshit, because you know what? I've tried that as well, I've embraced the emptiness, I've welcomed it late after midnight, while waiting for the sun to come up" I imagined him sitting on their balcony, like he always said he did, staring at the sky, trying to find answers or to maybe fall asleep

"I've let it control me, keep me awake and so I've figured that you know?" he sighed "Embracing doesn't work, neither does ignorance. Emptiness is my greatest enemy and I fight it every day" he looks down as he folds the empty list "I'll keep fighting it for as long as I can" he suddenly stops talking and puts the list in his inner jacket pocket, right next to his heart "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, right?" he turned towards Meredith, who was stunned for a moment and didn't know what to say. I watched him slowly sit back down-the room was silent.

I don't think I've ever heard him talk so much about himself and partly I was glad, but I was also conflicted, I felt bad that he's so ruined, so screwed up and I was mostly angry with myself that I never actually saw how bad things are on his end, because I was always so focused on me, which was very selfish as I now came to realize.

The next hour passed pretty fast and when we were finally done, I couldn't wait and talk to him, but Meredith asked him to come for a minute and I decided to wait outside. I could hear them arguing about something from the inside, but I couldn't distinguish what it was all about, so after fifteen minutes or so he finally got out, with a very angry expression on his face-the minute he saw me however, his whole postured changed and I hurried to approach him. At first we didn't say anything to each other, we just got outside and headed down the park where I've went to see him and Damon not so long ago, I searched for his hand and he didn't pull away when I tightened my grip, but he still seemed very distant.

"You want to tell me what's going on?" I asked once we've finally sat down on the same bench we were last time. He ran his fingers through his hair, sighed and let go of me "I tried to call you, you know?"

"I kinda..broke my phone the other night." he finally spoke up "I'm sorry."

"You scared the hell out of me." I said sincerely, not trying to make him feel bad or something like this, I was just being honest "You do that every time you don't pick up." he shook his head with a sad smile on his face and I put my hand on his shoulder as I leaned down to him, he has curled up, like a little boy who's trying to hide from the rest of the world "Come on, Stefan, just talk to me."

"I got drunk." he said in a minute or so and I looked at him surprised, but he didn't really turn towards me, he was lost in his own world "I got so damn drunk it was hard for me to come back home and when I finally did, I woke up my mother from all the noise I was making, just as she has fallen asleep after being at work for more than nine hours."

"Why did you do this?" I asked, my voice both serious and a bit sad, though I was trying to get myself together for him. He wasn't in a hurry to answer me, but he did catch my hand and looked down at it for a while. "If it's about my brother-" I started, feeling the need to express how sorry I am for what happened and what Jeremy said, but he hurried to interrupt me.

"No, that's not it. I..I was just" he was struggling to find the right word and Stefan was not a person, who would be having troubles with that, which showed me yet again how hard he must be feeling.

"Overwhelmed?" I asked and he shrugged his shoulders, but didn't oppose, it was obvious he couldn't determine what was he feeling back then, maybe because more than one emotion was involved "You look like hell, you know? And I don't like seeing you like this. You have to start talking. You can't be telling me how I should continue coming here while you are missing half the meetings this month, don't sleep or talk and keep hiding stuff."

"I'm fine." he sighed and leaned back on the bench, without letting my hand go, however.

"You are not." I stated and he finally looked me in the eyes, I could read nothing but pain in his green ocean of sadness. The same thing that pushed me to kiss him the first time, was finding its way inside me yet again and I closed the distance between us in matter of seconds. He didn't pull back, he responded as usually, but it was the most sincere kiss we've ever shared-we didn't just collide our world, we brought ourselves home with it-all the pain, all the guilt, it became one thing we shared. I don't know how long it was before we parted, I just knew he needed me, just as I needed him and breathing wasn't our top priority until we realized we were lacking air.

"What are we doing here, beautiful girl?" he asked me once we let go of each other and he removed a strain from my face behind my ear gently "We're fooling ourselves like kids, we're playing around and I don't want you to get hurt."

"You won't hurt me." I stated

"You don't know that." he shook his head stubbornly, desperate to make his point, which I didn't need. I knew what he was thinking already, it wasn't anything new to me.

"Have you ever thought that I might be the one to hurt you?" I was getting angry and he could sense it, but he remained calm. That's the thing with him-he always remained calm, he never yelled or did something to show that he's irritated by something. "Stefan, I'm just as screwed up as you are. You can't keep pulling that shitty argument up, you know? And you can't keep hiding stuff-if you're bad I want to know."

"No" he said firmly.

"No? You can't say no!" I was acting like a kid now. He saw that, smiled widely and embraced me, only so he could lean down and give me a kiss on the cheek, after which we remained like this. I immediately calmed down-it was so nice to be in his embrace, so relaxing, it felt like he's protecting me from the rest of the world, just by hugging me like this. I wasn't scared, not when he was next to me.

"You're beautiful." he whispered in my ear after a few minutes or so has passed in complete silence and the only thing surrounding us was the kids running back and forth in front of us, yelling at each other, playing and screaming from joy.

"Stefan." I shook my head trying to tell him that he should stop giving me such compliments because it makes me blush.

"You are. And I'm scared like hell, because I think I'm falling in love with you. And this is the worst moment for this to happen as I feel more confused and screwed up than ever and yet…I am falling and I have no idea what to do."

"That's good." I said now calmly, following his example. I couldn't believe he really said that-the boy who's been always so silent when it came to his feelings, the boy who never shared, but was always there for me, the boy who helped me get through some pretty awful stuff until now, and it was only the beginning-he admitted it and it was the first time in months, I actually felt hopeful.

"It is?" he asked, his voice both confused and a little bit scared, as he really was feeling like this.

"Yes" I said confidently "Because I'm falling in love with you as well."

* * *

**A/N: Woah, it's the tenth chapter, I didn't really think I would get here. Soo yeah, I hope you liked this one. Elena is kind of missing on the fact that if he had got drunk and was taking medications he would've been in a hospital, but she's just too overwhelmed right now to make the right conclusions, she will though. She just has a lot on her plate and so does he. I would love to read your thoughts on it all. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Elena's POV**

I stepped in the old, but still enormous library of the Robert E. Lee high school, looking everywhere for the boy with the sandy hair. There weren't many people out here, probably because the school was full of young people, not even in the slightest interested in reading and the rest of the small crowd here was consisting of girls, trying to find where to copy their homework from.

I asked the woman behind the desk if she can guide me to the fiction section and she immediately pointed out to a door at the end of this small hallway. We had a few days left until we were done with this school year and yet here he was, with his nose in a book and a dirty, ruffled notebook besides him, Stefan Salvatore-the boy with the sandy hair and the tired green eyes, was lost in a world, so much different from ours.

The minute I saw him, all I wanted to do is kiss his gentle soft lips, which were always so careful when they were touching me-he wasn't a risky kind of guy, most of the times, he would be so careful, as if he's scared he would break me, though there were others, like this moment back in the playground when he kissed me with all his passion, all his heart, just like he was reading this book right now.

I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me, but I knew this-he was driving me insane. We haven't seen each other for two days, mainly because of school and all the finals we had, and now I was eager to spend as much time as I could with him. All I wanted was for our worlds to collide again-I can't explain what happens when we do this, but it's something that saves me, it's something that helps me breath. Gosh, I'm so confused that falling for him and you know why? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid we can both fall into those holes, we hardly get out of and that we could do something stupid, that we could harm ourselves and I know how thin the line between life and death is and how we're both barely keeping ourselves from falling over that edge and I for one, won't be able to watch anyone else leave this world as it would serve as my own end as well. I hope he could get better, I hope I could as well, because I was aware of the fact that he can't watch anyone else die either. It will be as hard for him as it could be for me. God, I hope he never does something stupid again.

I came from behind him and gave him a small kiss on the cheek- at first he was startled, but when he saw me, he relaxed and granted me one of his big foolish smiles. That's the thing with Stefan-he can look like a thousand years old and he could also appear as a bigger child than his brother-there was something innocent in him, something so good, that it just made everything around you better once you approached him.

"Oh you're so not getting away with scaring me like this." he teased as I sat beside him, but he hurried to pull me in his embrace and just when I thought he would return the kiss, he started tickling me and I laughed out loud, hoping that there wasn't anything else around us who we could disturb.

"Stefan!" I protested and finally got away from him.

He seemed better than the last time I saw him-he has washed, his shirt smelled of spring, but also old books, freshly cut grass and even..beer, which made me furrow my eyebrows, because last night it has finally hit me-he probably wasn't taking his pills if he was getting drunk every now and then and he was playing me around, fooling me, trying to show me how I should be doing everything I'm told, while he's acting all irresponsible when it came to him. But that was an argument for later, now I would try to enjoy the afternoon and hope to be able to suppress my anger towards the fact that he was lying to me.

"What are you reading?" I asked after he calmed down and let me go back to my chair, I really wanted to remain in his embrace, but I was convinced I'll have time to do this later. He moved up the book so I can see the title-_On the road_ by Jack Kerouac

"Sounds interesting. I remember Jenna mentioning it. Is it good?"

"Yeah" he nodded calmly, suddenly lost in his own thoughts, probably remembering what was the last thing he read before I interrupted him "It's pretty great, actually."

"Quote me." I asked and he gave me a foolish smile, but I kicked him under the table, trying to tell him to just get over it and give me what I'm asking for, so he cleared his throat while rubbing the back of his neck, trying to remember something good.

"_T__he only people for me are the mad ones,__"_ he grinned, the words were coming very easy to him right now _"__the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.__"_ he said it all at once, without actually taking a breath, so when he finished he took some air and gave me a sad apologizing smile, as if he thought I would be in any way disappointed by the words he has chosen to say. I moved back in his lap and he embraced my small, weak body.

"How on earth do you always remember those things?" I asked, but I knew he wouldn't actually answer, so I let him lean down and give me a sweet kiss on the forehead after chuckling a bit, as if it wasn't anything special, as if I didn't see him with a new book every time we met.

He knew so many things, he has read so many stories and it made me feel dumb. I never really read so much, not after I became a teenager. I remember how much I used to love mom reading me stories before bed or after kindergarten then once I grew up, I never really thought about picking up a book. But he did-he lived off it, it was the thing that kept him sane.

"I can't believe I'm dating a girl, who doesn't read." he said silently, reminding me of the fact that we were after all in a library.

"I used to read." I stated "Then I met a guy, who quotes stuff about roman candles that sound so good it makes me follow his example."

"Oh, that guy would feel pretty good if he was able to make a beautiful girl spent the better half of her free time reading about roman candles and dirty old mad drunks."

"Jack Kerouac was a drunk?" I ask, not at all that surprised, but still in the need to hear his cheery voice yet again and once he chuckled it made my world for yet another time

"Every man is a drunk, Elena. Some are drunk with life, others with adventure, third… with love or sadness. Or maybe all of those stuff at once."

"You can't be feeling all these emotions-they will kill you." I opposed and he shrugged his shoulders as if he doesn't really agree with me, but he wouldn't start arguing either so he'll just accept my foolish behavior and grant me another small kiss, which wouldn't be enough for me. It was never enough when it came to Stefan.

"Come on." he said in a minute "Let's find you a book and get out of this place." he stood up and took me to the shelves behind us, looking for something only he knew I would probably like. I was leaving myself in his hands, I trusted him and even though I was tired like hell, I was still able to find some strength and follow him, because I knew I wasn't all alone.

He picked up _Jonathan Livingston Seagull_ by Richard Bach, which sounded really strange to me, but I shrugged my shoulders and with a smile on my face, put it in my bag.

I couldn't believe the summer would officially start in a few days and I felt relieved that I had one less thing off my shoulders. I wouldn't have to think about how I'm behind the homework and the assignments, I wouldn't need to get up early for class and who knows, maybe I would finally be able to get some sleep, though I sincerely doubted it.

I wondered how long has it been since he slept, because for me it was already almost two days and I was feeling like hell, which is why I declined his offer to go for an ice cream or spent some time in our favorite park. Stefan wasn't a boy accustomed to the cliché things, he liked to do his own stuff and he would never make me go somewhere if I didn't want to, so he kindly suggested to get to his flat and maybe cuddle on his couch or even sleep, since he could see the big circles under my eyes and how every little thing irritated me.

At first I wasn't sure we should go, because I was honestly feeling a little bit nervous of meeting his mother, but he assured me she would be at work, and his brother was with their uncle so we would be alone. Of course, to every other girl his suggestion could cause a thousand inappropriate thoughts, but I knew that what we both needed was just some rest and I was sure he had no other intentions, plus all the times up until now we've been to my house and my little childishly covered with pink stuff room and I was curious to see his home.

The flat wasn't really big, there were two rooms-his one and Damon's one, their mother was sleeping in a bed in the relatively big kitchen, consisting of some cupboards, table with three chairs a cooker and a fridge, which was half empty, but he handed me a bottle of ice tea. The TV was in the living room as well as a very old couch-as a whole there wasn't much furniture, but it still appeared to be cosy.

He said his uncle Zach helped his mom buy this place after his father killed himself in their old house and then Stefan jumped from the roof-they just couldn't spend a day more in this place so they sold it. There was a small balcony where he said he's usually drinking his coffee or just spending time when he couldn't sleep which was practically 80% of the time.

Before we cuddled in the couch he took me to his room, simply because I was curious and he saw it-it was a mess, honestly, a typical boy room and the air was very stiff. There was a bed, full of tossed black t-shirts or jeans, a desk with too many books on it, an almost broken chair and a half opened wardrobe, which wasn't really that much full of clothes, probably because they were tossed everywhere around us. I saw a picture of him and a boy with brown ruffled hair and assumed that it must be Jack-they weren't smiling on it, but they didn't seem sad either-they seemed okay and I was perfectly aware of the fact that when you are in the condition we were both in, this was a big deal. They both appeared older than they were-there was this sadness on their faces, but I was wondering if Stefan was feeling at least a bit better then, with this boy by his side, someone else to share his thoughts with. It hit me that he must be feeling pretty lonely ever since Jack died, I never actually realized that up until now.

"Stefan?" I asked as I picked up a notebook, full of lists sticking up from it while he was clearing up his bed.

"Yeah?" he didn't turn towards me though, he was trying to find a place for his black shirts.

"Are you writing?" once I've opened the notebook up and went through some of the stuff in there I realized that these were short stories or poems or like..thoughts he has put down. He finally paid me some attention-he seemed both ashamed and quite scared that I've found them so hurried to come by my side, took them gently away from me, though I furrowed my eyebrows and put them in the bottom cupboard, which appeared to be empty.

"I sometimes…test my imagination and my ability to actually put my thoughts down" he said silently, still pretty shy as if he was a little kid who's been hiding candies for months or so and now someone has found them. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him a kind understanding look.

"I would love to read something one day." I said sincerely.

"You really don't." he opposed and hurried to gently grab my wrist and lead me back to the living room where we sat down and I hugged myself in him for yet another time-I felt so good in his embrace, but I didn't only want him to hug me, I wanted to do other stuff as well so that's why when he leaned down to give me a gentle, small kiss on the cheek, I put my hand on his neck and pulled him closer.

He ended up being on top of me and though he was trying not to touch me anywhere so he wouldn't scare me, I wasn't afraid to do so with him. I found my way under his shirt and felt the scars on his back, which made me furrow my eyebrows and as he felt me being quite confused he stopped kissing my neck and searched for my eyes. I didn't remove my hands, but I didn't continue going up as well, though in the position we were in I could see his belly button.

I never really expected him to feel so strong-he always appeared to be this skinny boy and now when we were actually so close to each other did I realize how tough he really was. He saw the naughty light in my eyes and gave me a wicked smile, but his stare quickly changed to worried, as if he was yet again ashamed to show me his wrecked body. He put his hand on my chin and caressed it with his thumb while trying to find the right words and say what he was thinking at the moment. I removed my right hand from his back and put it on his cheek, wanting to get his attention back at me.

"Hey, I'm sorry." I wasn't really sure what I was apologizing for. Maybe for reminding him of all those times when he felt so bad he wished to leave this world.

"You didn't do anything wrong." he hurried to assure me and gave me a sweet small kiss on the nose which made me ticklish and he grinned "I'm just a little bit ruined you know. Not the perfect guy with the great beach tan and strong arms or something like this."

"I never wanted you to be that guy, Stefan." I stated a bit mad that he thought that was my idea of a man I want to be with and he saw I was getting angry so he decided to silence my words with yet another kiss that left us breathless for a few minutes and when he let me go, he moved to my neck while I closed my eyes and enjoyed his presence there are best as I could, until I realized my left hand was still on his back and when he moved a bit I felt yet another scar under my cold fingers

"I want to see them." I said and he abruptly looked up, feeling a little confused "I want to see your scars." I repeated confidently now and I expected him to burst out at me and say no, but instead he moved me up and I removed my legs, which were wrapped around his waist so I can give him the space to stretch and get rid of his shirt, but he was obviously a little bit unsure about it, though I could see he was not against it so, once again I decided to be the braver one and grabbed the hem of his shirt, which didn't surprise him much as it confused him, but he moved his arms up and let me help him get rid of it.

I don't know why he said he wasn't a strong boy-yet again, I made the conclusion that he's pretty tough. He looked away when I was finally able to see him-there weren't many scars on the front-only a big one on his right side and another one on his right arm.

"What's that from?" I asked as I traced the big one on his right side with my index finger "Was it from when you jumped?"

"Yeah" he nodded sadly "Well, technically it was from a surgery they did, because I was bleeding from the inside."

"And this one?" I pointed at his arm as I moved closer to him and he turned his right side towards me in a way, in which I could also see his back

"From the first time. It wasn't really such a big deal, I just broke the bone." his voice was calm at last though when I moved my hand to his back and sat in his lap only to hug him and stare at the numerous big and small scars starting from somewhere under his neck and continuing all the way down to his jeans, I felt him exhale

"Oh, God." I said once I made the realization that he must've been in awful pain

"Last time I.." he cleared his throat as he moved up to face me again "I kind of landed on some broken glass so ergo those fancy scars there." he was turning it into a joke, but I was surely not in the mood to laugh

"Hey, hey" he said once he realized there were tears in my eyes "Please don't get sad because of this. See" he stretched his arms and laid back down while I moved up on him until I found a comfortable place on his belly "I'm all fine now. Plus, I know you have your own scars."

I arched my elbow, feeling really confused as I couldn't remember him seeing me naked.

"I changed your shirt the other day at your house, remember?" he asked and gave me a playful grin only to earn a slap on the chest from me.

God, this chest-I thought as I was trying not to blush.

"It's right here" he was the one to trace it now, though he didn't even attempt to move my shirt up and he still remembered exactly where it was-on my left side, close to my own belly button-it had the form of a crooked smile "From the accident?" he asked, now he was the curious one

"Yeah" I nodded and lost myself in thoughts of the unfortunate day when I lost my parents. One he saw me so sad, he pulled me back on his chest and I rested my head tiredly, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

"Does it still hurt you?" he asked after a while as he was rubbing my back every now and then when he found strength in him to do so.

"Not any more. It did in the beginning, but after a month or so I was all fine. What about you? It seems like a big deal.'

"I'm all fine. I still go to check-ups every now and then, because mom and Rose insist." I was tracing the tattoo initials on his arm with my index finger when he mentioned Rose and I remembered there was something I wanted to talk about so I looked up after a few minutes and noticed that he was staring at the ceiling.

"You're not taking your pills, are you?" he looked up at me surprised and even a little bit startled, but he didn't move in any way as he was afraid he'll make me feel uncomfortable.

After a minute or so, he let a deep sigh out, but he was still searching for the right words he could use in this situation. I didn't give him the chance to speak up of course

"I know I'm very distracted, but I'm smart enough to make the conclusion that you can't be drunk and taking medications and like..not end up in a hospital." he gave me a sad smile and searched for my hands, once I moved back up and I was facing him, I realized he was rubbing my palms with his thumbs, as if he was trying to calm me down. It wasn't working. I was pretty pissed off that he was keeping this away from me "That's why Meredith made you stay after we were done last time, right?"" he was still very silent "She was arguing with you about it." I continued

"I might not be taking mine" he started and raised up a little bit, while still holding my hands in his "But I know you're overdosing with yours." I ripped myself away from him, but didn't stand up or move away, I was afraid of feeling alone so I couldn't do that.

Instead I buried my hands in my head and tried to hide my face away from him as I let a deep sigh out. He has caught me, I can't believe he has. I was indeed overdosing, taking two or three pills more than what I was prescribed and I couldn't figure how he managed to notice. I felt his hands removing mine and him picking up my chin-his green eyes both angry and a little bit sad

"How did you know?" I asked sheepishly and he gave me a knowing smile

"I've been observing people in this condition for a while now, remember? I can tell when someone's too attached to their pills, because they want to feel indifferent to every emotion that can ruin them" I nodded confirming his suspicions

"What you're doing it's very dangerous, do you realize that? One night you might decide to spill the better half of the bottle in your hand and there won't be anyone to even think of looking out for you, because no one is expecting it." I suddenly got mad, he can't be telling me what to do when he's not really listening to Meredith as well.

"Don't play Mr. Nice here. You're killing yourself just as fast as I am. "

"Not taking my pills is not harmful to me, however overdosing is pretty fucked up thing to do and you know it." he was the one to get a little mad now, though he let go of me and leaned back down while I remained sitting on top of him.

"Are you serious right now? They are helping you not fall in those desperate holes, Stefan, they are keeping you sane! You can't talk like it's not a big deal-you can experience a depressive episode every minute now, are you aware of this?" my voice was shaking, I was trying to look away so he wouldn't see my crying. I hated crying, it made me feel so weak "It will ruin you."

'Hey, hey, hey!" he saw the tears in my eyes, raised up and hugged me "I'm all fine, I promise." he started rocking me back and forth like a little child.

I felt so protected in his arms, so loved-I knew nothing bad could happen to me. We remained like this for some time and I was both mad and worried about him-he was fooling around with this and it would end up hurting him. But I was doing so as well, I just wasn't willing to admit it and because he was the more experience one when it comes to those stuff, he wasn't afraid to break it to me and tell me things as they are. I felt really ashamed of the conclusions he had made, I've never felt like this ever since my parents were alive.

"Are you telling Meredith or am I?" he asked after I a while and when I didn't respond he continued "It's a serious problem, you'll get addicted and you'll have a much harder time trying to get yourself together later."

"I'll tell her." I promised "Next time when we go, I'll tell her." he moved away from me only so he can give me a big proud smile, then leaned down and kissed me gently.

"You'll get through this. I will help you." here he goes again-he will help me, but what about him. Why is he always leaving himself behind? Why is he so bend on not doing a single thing to get better?

"How long has it been since you last took them?" I asked once he has put his shirt back on and stretched his arm to get a blanket, so we could lie back down and finally get some rest.

"Elena" he said my name as a warning, trying to tell me now's not the time to discuss this "Go to sleep." he asked and covered my waist with the blanket while finally hitting the pillow himself. He always felt so warm, it was amazing to be cuddled up and lean on his chest.

"Tell me." I insisted and by the tone of my voice he figured he shouldn't lie, but he looked up at the ceiling while moving his arm from my back to his neck so he could support his head.

"About two months." he said through teeth, not willing to even let the words out loud

"Stefan Salvatore, are you out of your freaking mind?" I suddenly got pissed off. Two months? Two damn months? Is he serious right now? No wonder he's been looking like a ghost more and more with every passing day "Here you stand preaching about how I should be doing this and that when you're fucking your own life up and nobody even knows."

"It's not like that." he had the guts to argue with me when he could see how pissed off I was, even if I was getting really tired right now and all I wanted to do was fall asleep and he saw the tiredness in my eyes

"Look, we'll talk about this later okay? You look like hell, you have to get some rest." he insisted and gently pushed my head back to his chest. I sighed still very angry and leaned back down. I was too exhausted to even give him a proper speech right now, but he really deserved someone finally paying attention to everything that was going on. I felt myself starting to doze off, but I knew he was still awake, I could tell by the way he was breathing.

"Won't you fall, Stefan?" I mumbled a few minutes before letting myself finally get the much needed rest. My body was giving up on me.

"Last time when my brother slept in my arms, he woke up from my yells, because I was having another bad dream." his honest response made me open my eyes again, though I didn't look up at him "And I surely have no intentions of doing the same thing to you."

"That's okay, even if you do, I won't mind." I promised but I felt him resisting and when I looked up he was shaking his head stubbornly

"Stefan." my voice was warning now "I'm here" I smiled and searched for his hand hanging from the couch "You won't have a bad dream, just let yourself fall." I promised and when he finally looked down, he smiled and nodded.

It was hard to keep myself awake, but I waited until his breathing became slow and steady and I was sure he was slightly dozing off-with a smile on my face I relaxed in his embrace, feeling more exhausted, but at the same time joyful than I've been in the past few months.

**Stefan's POV**

I felt someone gently shaking my shoulder and abruptly opened my eyes, only to make the realization that my mother was staring down at me and Elena with a big gentle smile on her face. It took me a while to realize what was going on, but as soon as I did, still I was pretty startled, I moved up without considering the fact that I might actually wake the girl in my arms. Elena stirred in my embrace and when I removed my hand from her back she figured something's wrong, so she opened her eyes as well and looked up at me until she traced my gaze and landed her chocolate brown eyes on my tired from her shift mom, who still hasn't even changed her work clothes. I guessed she must've just got inside.

"Mom, what are you doing here, I thought you were working late?' Elena and me were both up by now and she was looking around uncomfortably while trying to fix her messy hair in a ponytail, the blanket has fallen on the ground. As I looked through the window I realized it was evening already, probably nine or ten and I was hoping Jenna wasn't going insane by now.

"They let me go early and I went shopping so I can prepare dinner." mom smiled and turned towards Elena, who was now standing behind me as if she was afraid my mother could judge her in any way. I searched for her hand and intertwined our fingers in order to help her relax

"You must be Elena." mom was good when it came to talking to people and her expression was nothing but warm, which helped Elena a lot and so when they shook their hands it wasn't in an awkward cold way-it was really nice and the atmosphere in the room changed completely from tense to relaxed. It was nothing like what I felt in Elena's house when Jeremy came home and busted us on their couch. I knew mom didn't mind us being here, on the contrary, she was probably happy to see me make a contact with another human being.

"I'm sorry mom, we were both pretty tired and we didn't realize when we fell asleep."

"That's totally fine." mom hurried to assure us and headed to the kitchen to leave the groceries, but I was faster than her and took the packages from her only to bring them to the table. Mom followed me and I gave Elena a reassuring glance, trying to tell her it's all fine and she could join us for a little while as well. "God knows you haven't slept good in days." there was the usual worry in her voice, which made me feel guilty yet again.

"Come on, I'll make you guys some tea." she said and I pushed Elena to sit on the chair Damon usually occupied, though I was realizing she was still feeling pretty much ashamed and embarrassed. It was surprising to me when mom didn't start asking her questions right away and when she eventually did it was about her family, which as I knew was a touchy subject for Elena, but she didn't get all sad while discussing with mom. Our hands were intertwined under the table and Elena was smiling…I almost couldn't believe this was happening. We talked some more about random things, not really digging deep into any subject until Elena's cell rang and she had to excuse herself because Jenna was already freaking out where she was.

I gave insisted on giving her a ride home, even though she tried to resist for quite some time, but my mom backed me up on it and on our way there she almost fell asleep again. I was glad that she would be able to get some rest tonight, but I couldn't really give her a kiss goodbye, because Jeremy was waiting on the front porch for her with yet another angry expression on his face. Elena insisted on me not getting out of the car, because it would probably only piss him off and I agreed, though I was a little mad myself as I made the realization they didn't trust her.

Of course, in this condition it's normal for your closest people to have trust issues, God…I wasn't trusting myself, but the thing is-they weren't willing at all to cut her some slack. They wanted to treat her like a child who could do something bad any given moment, if they don't observe her.

When I got back home, mom was already almost done with dinner and even though I wanted to help her, she didn't let me. Instead she turned the TV on, made me sit down and while going up and down from the fridge to the oven, stopped to give me a gentle kiss on the forehead like she did when I was a young boy.

I wondered what was this all about, because she was pretty mad at me last night after Meredith fulfilled her threat to call her and let her in the fact that I haven't been taking my meds. She was furious with me, she gave me a big speech and we argued for the better part of the evening-I was glad Damon wasn't home. She couldn't accept the fact that I was denying to continue taking any kind of pills. She couldn't comprehend it and she claimed I have gotten worse, because I wasn't doing anything to help myself. I understood her-she was tired from all this and God knew that so was I.

I cleared my plate and she was beyond happy with my appetite, which was usually absent. I guess getting some rest has really lifted up my spirit. We stayed out late, both staring at the TV screen, thinking about stuff, not really talking that much, but still spending time together, which we haven't done in quite some time. I found myself closing my eyes every now and then-I still was really tied, but I knew I probably won't fall asleep.

"Elena's really beautiful." she started as she was cleaning up the table from the dirty plates. I didn't respond though and stood up to help her "You like her, don't you?" she asked after a while and I shook my head, trying to deny the obvious "Oh come on, I saw the way you were looking at her."

"Mom" I said warningly, trying to tell her we should change the subject

"Why won't you admit it?" she was confused, couldn't get where I was going with this and as she was handing me one of the clean plates so I could dry it, I let a deep a little bit annoyed sigh out.

"It's not that I don't like her, it's that I shouldn't."

"Bullshit." she spilled out, stopped the water, put her hands on her waist and turn towards me with and angry expression on her face and I looked at her surprised. I haven't seen her like this in a very long time-she was usually silently suffering from everything that's been going on around us, without talking much except for when she was angry that I wasn't doing something I was supposed to do

"If you continue acting like this you'll lose your opportunity with her and a girl like Elena..trust me, you have only one shot with her." I shook my head in disagreement when I felt her warm from the water fingers on my neck, she stood on her toes and gave me a kiss on the cheek "Don't waste it." she added and then turned back towards the sink "Now go to sleep."

I headed to my room slowly and when I tossed myself in bed I felt really tired, but I couldn't sleep. The only thing I could think of was Elena's body pressed next to me and how calm and relaxed it made me, how today was the first time I got to sleep without having a nightmare, how her beating heart mine was the last thing I could remember before dozing off and how much life she has given me in matter of hours.

She was truly a gift in my life, a gift I did not deserve.

* * *

**A/N: With the risk of making you hate me, I need to clear something out. There were a few people here as well as on twitter who got confused after last chapter and thought they said they loved each other when in reality they just admitted they are _falling _in love, which is a bit different. They practically admitted that they are strongly fond of one another. I promise, we'll get to the _I love you_ part, they are still not quite there. For those of you, who have been reading me since _Define infinity_ (yes, I still can't believe there are people who stuck up with me this long) you know that I prefer to take things slowly. Of course, I don't want to drag it out in any way, but there will be a moment they'll finally say the words, it's just not exactly right now. **

**Also, I forgot to mention this until now, but all stuff in Italic (well except from the flashback) are exact quotes from the original books that Stefan mentions. **

**This chapter I decided to make a bit fluffy and all, because there will come other, more heavy stuff in the next ones. Hope you enjoy it. If you have any questions or just want to talk you can find me on twitter- Flowing_lantern**

**Oh and also, if there are people here, who are reading the Defan story a.k.a _The sky above us,_ I'm sorry I haven't updated there, I started writing about it tonight, hope I can finish it soon. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Elena's POV**

I was just about to leave the house when Jenna and my brother came back home. I talked some to my aunt and explained I was going outside for a little while, even though it was almost dinner time.

I was worried like hell, I've been calling Stefan in the last two days and he never picked up, when he didn't come to the support group meeting yesterday, he scared me even more, so I've decided that I just can't go on with this anymore and I'll go to his flat to check up on him.

For some unknown reason I had this pit in my stomach that something isn't right-he always picked up, even when he wasn't feeling good. At first, I thought he might be catching up on his sleep, but now after so much time has passed and he's still not giving any signs that he's okay, I needed to go there and look for him. Ever since I figured he's not taking his pills, I've been on edge, I was so damn scared he would do something stupid and my feelings were all over the place, also because I myself has been pretty tired lately. I explained to my aunt that I won't take long-I just needed to see him, make sure he's fine and I would come back and even though I could see she wasn't very eager to let me go, she agreed, because she could see how important it was for me and she pushed my brother back inside so he wouldn't listen to us and give me even more headache, and instructed me yet again to be careful and be home soon.

I didn't realize my hands were shaking until I stopped in front of the entrance, leading to his house. I took a deep breath and prayed for everything to be just fine, for all I knew, I could be just too tired and overthinking it all. I'm sure he has probably just slept too much and not even consider taking a look at his phone. I bet he would be on the balcony reading a book right now and I would kick his ass for not calling me.

What was wrong with me-I haven't felt this worried about anyone, who wasn't part from my family in a very long time. Was I really so much in love with him that I was scared of him leaving me in any way? Without giving it much thought, I touched my lips, closed my eyes and tried to remember his lips pressed on mine-it was the best feeling in the world. Every time he did this, this warmness spread in my entire body-I felt alive, I felt as if I was home. He was not only a person, he was so much more, he has become a friend, a boy for whose lips I would crave in my darkest moments and all this in less than two months? How strange life is exactly? God, I had to get myself together and stop moping-he would be fine, I would be fine as well, nothing wrong would happen.

The way to their door was like the longest walk I've ever taken. I don't know why, but my legs felt so heavy, I was barely pushing myself up the stairs, I even had to stop a few times, because it was hard for me to catch my breath. Maybe everything that I felt was partly due to the fact that I've stopped overdosing. I just couldn't keep going with this, not after he and I talked the other day-it didn't felt fair.

He was doing everything he could to help me and he was right-if I continue doing this, I would end up in an ever worse condition. I felt like I was betraying not only Stefan, but my parents and even if they were no longer here on this earth with me, it still felt like I was disappointing them and that hurt more than any kind of physical pain I could experience-it was what ruined me in more than one way.

Ever since they died and I tried to kill myself, I've been wondering what they would tell me if they were here, but I knew I'll never get the answer to this question and maybe it was for the better-who knew their little girl would turn out to be a hot teenage mess, who is overdosing with her pills. God, I wish they knew, I was trying like hell. And the reason for me trying was the boy on whose door, I was knocking right now. Before I heard the steps coming my way, I remembered thinking how when I see him, I'll tell him how much he's done for me. I don't think I've ever said this until now, but he surely deserved to know.

When his mom opened the door, I immediately figured something was terribly wrong. She looked like a mess herself, her hair, which was carefully made in a nice bum last time, was now put in a messy ponytail, there were tears in her eyes, her free hand was trembling a bit, there was a wet towel in the other one.

"Elena" she seemed very surprised to see me, but I could also sense disappointment in her voice. She has obviously been expecting someone else and seeing me both surprised her and made her nervous as the person she so desperately needed was still not here. I could hear some noise coming from somewhere behind her, probably from Stefan's room, it was like someone was struggling to get away

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, now is not a good time." she started and even though she hated being so impolite she was about to shut the door right under my nose if I haven't stepped forward

"Please, Mrs. Salvatore, is Stefan okay?" I asked only to realize how shaky my own voice was and mentally cursed myself. I was supposed to appear as a strong person right now, what the hell was going on with me?

"He's not." now she was the one trying to get herself together, though she seemed like she would burst into tears every minute now "We're waiting for Meredith and Rose to come. You should go, I'm sure he doesn't want you to see him like this."

"Please." I begged once again as I tried to ignore the fact that if they've called the doctors then the situation is pretty serious "He's been there when I needed him most, maybe I can try to do something for him now." she was obviously wandering how to get rid of me, but when she saw the tears in my own eyes, she realized we are on the same page here, that we are both worried like hell and that if I don't get in, I'll simply go crazy, but she was also not sure if I would be able to keep myself from falling apart.

After all, she was aware of the fact that I was a sick ruined kid, just like her own son.

"Let me just see him, please." I tried again and she finally opened up the door. She didn't even wait for me to close it and headed towards Stefan's room, which was left open, though I couldn't really see him from here.

I distinguished another man's voice, trying to soothe Stefan, who was grunting, struggling with something and once we finally got inside, I saw a man, maybe in his late thirties, supporting the ruined, pale boy from falling down.

Stefan looked like hell. I've seriously never seen him like this before-he was pale, his shirt was wet, because he has sweated, his hands were shaking uncontrollably, it wasn't just a slight shake, it was like he couldn't stop it, his hair was messy, ruffled, but not in that sweet charming way, the enormous circles under his green eyes were scaring me, but his deep sad green ocean was empty-I couldn't read anything in his gaze. He surely wasn't realizing what was going on and right now, in this moment, I figured why he was so scared of this emptiness-it broke him. It made him appear as a mad person, who is not listening to anything and anyone-he wasn't here in this reality with us right now, he was somewhere else, he obviously was unaware of what he was capable of, he didn't knew how strong he was, because a moment ago he seemed like he would fall down any minute and now he was trying to get away from the man's embrace.

"Stefan, stop it.-the man, whom I assumed must be his uncle Zach was trying to get him to calm down. Only now did I realize that the room was as well a complete mess-it seemed like he has destroyed everything he could. God…he was bad. He was _so damn_ bad. The man looked up at us with a sad expression on his face and shook his head as if he was trying to say he won't be able to keep him calm for much longer.

Stefan didn't seem to be listening to a word anyone was saying and when he tried to walk away he tripped over and he was about to hit the floor when his uncle caught him. Stefan's mom approached him, but he was still struggling, trying to get away, which is when I decided to intervene.

"Stefan, hey, hey" I kneeled down beside him and I cupped his face with my cold hands, only so I would make him look at me. When he did, it seemed as if it scared him even more "It's me, I'm here to help you."

"Go away" he whispered, his voice so hoarse, it almost scared me. He started pulling back "Go away, go away!" he was yelling now, refusing to look me in the eyes.

His uncle helped him stand up again and I came even closer to him, not even a little bit afraid that he is not in his right mind and he could hurt me unintentionally. I put my hands on his arms, but he seemed so scared from my touch that he abruptly pulled away from both me and his uncle and turned his back to us while burying his hands in his hair

"Please, go away."

"It's okay" his uncle whispered to me, trying to calm me down as he could see how ruined I was from the fact that he didn't even want to see me. He put his hand on Stefan's shoulder, tightened his grip a little, as if he was trying to bring him back to earth

"Come on, Stefan." he started again, trying to soothe him, but the boy with the sandy hair was obviously ruined to the point where the only thing he wanted to do was get the hell out of here. "It's going to be okay" his uncle repeated the same words he told me, but Stefan was tired of hearing this…I knew it, because I was as well. However, when he pulled away from his uncle's embrace, only to face us again and start slowly stepping back until he reached the wall, it almost made me want to cry

"I don't want to be here." he was shaking his head, the tears were coming down his eyes. I could hear his mother already sobbing somewhere behind us as well, but I couldn't turn around and pay any attention to her, simply because Stefan was falling apart before me "I can't be here, I can't do this anymore."

"Stefan!" his uncle raised his voice, trying yet again to make him come back to his senses, which was pointless to me. This boy was not here-he was lost in his own world of pain and he was drowning with such speed, I was wondering how we would be able to safe him

"It hurts" it was Stefan's turn to yell as he hit his chest with his fist "It hurts so damn much."

I felt like I was getting unable to move myself, I couldn't watch him break down like this-it was impossible to describe the pain you could feel only from his speaking up, let alone looking at him. What was I thinking-I wasn't strong enough for this. I couldn't help him, oh my god…I _could not_ help him.

"It's okay, son." his uncle started moving towards him. It seemed to me like he was the only person in this room who was at least slightly bit aware of what he should be doing here.

"Stop calling me son." Stefan yelled and hit himself in the wall behind him on purpose, then again and yet again-he was trying to hurt himself and both me and his uncle practically ran towards him, trying to stop him as I knew that he has hurt himself so bad last time when he decided he should leave this world, he has said he was barely walking and surely hitting his back in the wall was something he shouldn't be doing right now

"You're not my father. I'm nobody's son. I don't have a father anymore, he is dead" he kept repeating as he his himself one last time, before his uncle grabbed him and turned him around so he wouldn't hurt himself anymore, but Stefan was so angry, adrenalin was rushing trough him so he started banging the wall with his fists now.

"Zach, get him away" I finally heard his mother's voice coming from behind us. She must've been in shock, just like me up until now and we watched Stefan struggling to get away from his uncle's embrace. It was getting hard for him to keep Stefan down and just as I was wondering what on earth can we do, we heard the doorbell ring and I let a relieved sigh out as I approached the still crying Stefan and his uncle on the floor-Meredith and Rose were coming.

"I want it over with." Stefan kept saying "I want it over with" he was a little bit calmer now.

He was going from one state to the next and this time he didn't push me away when I searched for his hand and tightened my grip around his bloody knuckles. He was breathing heavily, sweat was coming down his face, but he wasn't crying anymore-he was tired, I could see he was barely here, yet his uncle wasn't letting him go, his arms were embracing his chest, not giving him the opportunity to move in any way as we were afraid he would try to hurt himself again.

Once Meredith and Rose came in and Stefan realized what was going on, he started pulling up a fight again, he wouldn't let Meredith touch him in any way, but she was stubborn and obviously not quite scared to fight him if she has to-she was experienced, she's seen people in this condition before, she could read the emptiness in his eyes, the pain and the struggle-he was in a fight with himself and it was killing him from the inside out. She grabbed his chin and flashed a light in his eyes while Rose was kneeling up on the other side, rolling up Stefan's shirt sleeve and clearing up the place where she would probably put the needles. I wanted to cry-they were going to put him out like he's some kind of monster, an animal they couldn't help.

"Get away from me. You killed my best friend" Stefan said through teeth, but Meredith didn't seem even slightly bothered by his words and by his attempts to get rid of her by hurting her with his words

"You have to hold him down" Rose said to Meredith, who turned to me and nodded towards his feet.

"Keep him still there, will you?" she even gave me a reassuring smile. I'm sure she wasn't happy to see me here, watching her most fucked-up patient fall apart in front of her other patient, but she had no say in this.

I knew Stefan was scared like hell from needles, he told me that once when we were walking down the park with ice cream in hands. God, what a good day that was compared to this one, why can't we be back there? Why can't I see the crooked childish smile he had back then? Why did I have to watch him experiencing so much pain that he would want to be anywhere but here and was even willing to hurt himself but to stop feeling all those awful things inside?

As I expected, when he saw the needle he started trying to get away and Rose couldn't stick it up in his arm, because he was fighting like hell. I couldn't keep his legs, he was trying to kneel, to get up, to run, but he couldn't. They kept yelling at him, calling his name, trying to make him stop-they were doing all the wrong things, they were scaring him even more, he was already out of his mind and them acting like this was causing him to feel more afraid and lost.

"Stefan" I said his name calmly and removed my hands from his knees only to search for his free hand and yet again intervene my fingers with his

"Hey' he suddenly started calming down, I think for the first time today he was actually listening to me "Hey, look at me" I said, desperate to keep his attention away from Rose

"Just look at me." I said and gave him the best smile I could right now. I didn't take a glance towards the doctors, I didn't need to, I was as afraid to see them put this thing in him as he was-I couldn't bear it, I wasn't that strong, but the minute Rose finally succeeded in sticking up the medication in his arm he clenched his jaw. I finally looked up, because I was trying to get rid of the tears in my own eyes, only to see Rose filling up another injection.

"How many things are you going to put in him exactly?" I protested, my voice was cold. I wasn't that ruined little girl, who couldn't get herself together a minute ago, now I was pissed off at them, they were going to make sure he won't be able to move up for at least a day and me watching them put him down in this awful way as if he was not a human being at all, hurt like hell

"It's for the best, Elena" Meredith said and I gave her a stern look, though I'm sure that didn't really bother her much. "He can hurt himself."

"Has he eaten anything today?" Rose looked up at Stefan's mom, who has now taken my place and was near his feet

"He threw up twice before you came." Zach responded, as he was the one, who could actually comprehend an answer right now. I wondered when he got back? I knew that he was away with Damon, but then again Stefan mentioned they won't take too long. I hoped the little kid was not anywhere near this room, Stefan would hate himself if his brother ever saw him like this.

"Great, we're pumping stuff in him and he's stomach's empty" Rose concluded "Bring him some water, we should keep him hydrated at least." she ordered and Stefan's mom hurried to go to the kitchen, I honestly wanted to follow her and give her a hand, considering that she looked like a ghost, but Stefan was still holding me tight and Rose just stuck up the second injection in his arm, which made him restless. I guess the medicine needed some time to kick him in.

"Lift him up a bit, will you?" Rose turned to uncle Zach and I watched her checking up his back, but I was quickly brought back to the boy lying on the ground and his piercing green eyes, which were staring lifelessly at me, I tried to give him a weak smile, but it only made him shake his head-as if he wanted to say-_It's fine, don't bother with me, you shouldn't even be here_, but I was and I watched him fall apart. I mentally reminded myself to never wonder why he wanted to take his life again-this was hell on earth and we were living in it, but most importantly-it was his personal hell and he was slowly fading out.

I wondered how long he would be able to keep going, I wondered if he could keep up enough so he could get better.

"It's fine, he hit himself pretty hard, but he's just bruised. We have to put some ice on this later. You can lift him up now" Rose stated and we all moved away so uncle Zach can put his hand under Stefan's legs and arms and lift him up. His eyes were still open, but I could see he would soon fall asleep, he was looking up around himself, wondering what the hell is going on-he was basically like a child, he couldn't do anything, he couldn't even move and I knew he would be like this for some time.

They moved his lifeless body on his broken messed up bed, which strangely mirrored his soul and I watched this ruined sandy haired boy and his empty stare. I watched as they brought him water and how Meredith tried to make him drink it by practically shoving the bottle in his mouth. I watch him resisting and spilling it all over them until he was sane enough to realize that he is actually thirsty and finished it without putting up a fight. Once he has finally calmed down and closed his eyes, his mom, his uncle and Meredith existed the room only to leave me and Rose alone with him. I insisted on staying a few more minutes, even though Meredith said that once she has a talk with Mrs. Salvatore, she would give me a ride home.

Rose cleared the blood away from his knuckles and patched his hands up. Now I was again feeling weak, just like when I first got into this room-I couldn't stand watching his lifeless body, but at least he was now in peace and that's what I've been wanting for him ever since I realized he wasn't himself today.

"Will he be okay?" I asked Rose once she has finished up and was shoving the bandages back in her bag

"I'll have to come the next few days and inject him with the same stuff, but eventually I guess he'll get back to normal." I wanted to laugh. What was normal for Stefan? He hasn't had any kind of normality in two years-he was broken, there wasn't anything good in his life anymore. How could those people not see it?

Then again why was I looking for an answer from all the wrong people? They didn't know him like I did. They couldn't see his childish smile he gave me every now and then when he was in peace and not in pain. They didn't know how selfless he was, how he would do anything he can to help me.

And here I was practically helpless, not capable of a single thing that would make him feel okay. Everyone has given up on him-that's why they were sticking him up with needles in order to keep him down, to prevent him from hurting himself when they could not see how the world has fucked him up to the point where he did not want to be a part of it. And yet they were oblivious to it all. How sad was that?

"I'll give you a few minutes, but don't take too much, please" Rose said and left us alone. I waited for her to close the door and for her steps to become inaudible before I reached his bed and sat down. I took his left hand in mine-he was long asleep by now, God, I hope he wasn't feeling anything.

I felt my tears finally finding their way down my cheeks and buried my head in his chest, but he wasn't there to embrace me with his strong arms or stroke my hair-he was lifeless and the slow beating of his heart was the only thing that reminded me he's still here.

"Why on earth did you never tell me how bad you are?" I asked him when I moved my head up and stared at his pale face as if I thought he would open his eyes and actually give me an answer. I knew he was sick, I knew he has been like this for a long time…but what I saw today…it was so much worse from what I thought it was.

"Jesus Christ, Stefan, why did you not tell me?" I was angry with him, but I was also sad, worried. I leaned back down on his chest and continued sobbing. Then after a minute or so of soaking up his shirt I moved up and gave him a kiss on his lifeless lips "Don't you dare do something stupid, Stefan." I whispered once I moved up while still holding his hand "Because I'll come here and I'll kick your sorry ass." I imagined him looking at me in disbelief and chuckling. God, how much I wished he could be awake.

I held his hand and for a minute closed my eyes-I wanted us to be at peace together, I didn't dare leave him alone, not right now and I wondered how I'll even move my legs up and get in this car with Meredith-I didn't want to leave him behind.

When I looked up again I realized once again what a mess his room was-gosh he must've struggled for quite some time here and it made me shiver-this place was a mess, exactly like our lives-there were clothes and broken things everywhere, even some torn up notebooks and pages from them lying everywhere around us, I also noticed his photo with Jack on the floor-the frame was broken.

After I traced the whole room, I looked back down at my feet, at first I didn't notice it, because I was lost in my own thoughts, but when I finally did I leaned down-there was a relatively big roll of papers, tied up with a shoelace sticking up from under his bed. I picked it up and looked through the hole-there was something written here and before I opened it up, I took one last look at Stefan, because I was feeling wrong sticking my nose in his stuff, but my curiosity was stronger than my ability to just put this back at its place-there was something that just pulled me to it.

When I unrolled it, I realized it was his original piece of work-he has handwritten almost 30 pages, the whole..manuscript so to say, was full of him underlining and crossing things out, but from my fast look at it, I could conclude it was a short story. What caught my attention was the date on the last page-the date he has finished it-it was three days ago. I rolled it back up and wondered a lot before unzipping my sweater and hiding it inside, close to my heart-I wanted to read it. I was sure I would come back tomorrow to check up on him so I can take a look at it and return it back before he even realizes-he wasn't himself right now anyway, he wouldn't notice that it's gone. I mean..he was barely walking on his own and I was sure he would be practically like a child in the next few days if they continue drugging him the way they did today-me reading this wouldn't do no harm. I was eager to see one of his stuff and I knew he wouldn't agree showing me anything himself, not now for sure.

In a few minutes or so, Stefan's mom opened the door and gently told me that Meredith is waiting for me already. I nodded politely, brought Stefan's patched up hand to my lips and gave him a kiss goodbye. I didn't ask if I could come tomorrow, because I was pretty sure they would say now is not the right time-I had to see him and I didn't care what it would cost me to get back in here. This boy means so much to me and I cursed myself for realizing it just now. Maybe if I had done this earlier, he wouldn't have been in this condition now.

I didn't say a word on our way to the car-I was trying very hard not to think about the ruined boy, who has broken down before my eyes and the fact that I was currently going home with the only person who's supposed to help him and hasn't managed to do so was pissing me off. Meredith could see it, she recognized my angry, stern expression and at first she didn't say anything, which I welcomed, because as I said, I would've only burst out at her so I started trying to imagine what the story, I was pressing so hard next to my heart could be about. I was eager to read it, maybe there would be something there which could help me understand Stefan even better, maybe I would figure another way to help him out since I was practically useless today.

"You really shouldn't have been there today" Meredith finally spoke up, just a little before we took a turn leading to my family home. I only gave her a fake laugh, but didn't say a thing, which obviously pissed her off a bit. Or maybe she was finally letting Stefan's words about her killing his best friend sink as well and she was feeling guilty "I know you hate me right now, but I'm really trying my best."

"So you trying your best is drugging a boy to the point where he can't say his own name?" I was spiteful, I didn't give a damn about her, not right now. I know she was my psychiatrist and that she was trying hard to help me, but she wasn't right here "Is that's what's going to happen to me as well when you give up on dealing with me?"

"What we did today was for his own good, as I already told you. He could've continued hurting himself and he should really be careful if he doesn't want to end up paralyzed for the rest of his life." she finally parked in front of our house. I could see the kitchen light was on and I remembered my promise to Jenna that I won't take long-she was probably going insane by now.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, doc." I said using Stefan's way of calling her. I honestly didn't care about her right now, I only wanted to leave this car, go to my room and try to get over the fact that I saw a human being break down in front of my eyes today.

Moreover-a human being that I was falling in love with.

I really didn't want to have dinner, but since I have pissed off Jenna a lot tonight, I decided to just shut my mouth and do whatever she says, so I can go to my room as fast as I can. She figured something wasn't right and I guess even regretted scolding me, but eventually she just let me go, after asking me at least a dozen times if I was sure I was fine. No, I wasn't fine, but Stefan was worse and I couldn't be there with him right now, I couldn't do a single thing to make him feel better. I couldn't even get myself together, let alone help another person, but yes..I was perfectly fine.

When I finally got upstairs, I took a quick shower, changed in my PJs and curled up under the blankets. I think I cried for at least half an hour if not more and when I eventually figured that me doing so wouldn't do any good to anyone, I picked up Stefan's short story and turned on my bedroom lamp so I could start reading it.

At first it was hard for me to understand some of the words, but after the third page or so, I became accustomed to the way he wrote the letters and felt so caught up by the plot that I never really noticed it was already passed midnight.

The story was about two seventeen-year-old boys called Livingston and Summersend. Stefan never really mentions their first names, but he does say they are born in the same day, same year, have the same first names, go to the same school. Summersend is sick-again it is not mentioned what he's suffering from, but he's slowly fading away until one day he's told he has about a week left to live. That's when Livingston comes to his flat, tells him to get dressed and pack some stuff, because they are going on a road trip.

At first, Summersend is very much against it-he asks his friend to just leave him alone and let him die in peace, but Livingston keeps insisting. He's described as a blond-haired guy, who has seven siblings and lives only with his mother-the father is obviously not in the picture, though it's unclear what has happened to him, but it does seem to be painful to discuss as Summersend avoids the subject every time they seem to get anywhere near it, only so he wouldn't hurt his friend. Summersend is by himself most of the time as his parents are working extra hours so they could provide for his medications-he's left alone, there isn't anyone else except from Livingston in his lonely life. After a whole afternoon of arguing, yelling at each other and a pack of beers, Summersend agrees to leave. They go to many different places, big cities, fun fairs, they get drunk, fool around with girls, even help people along the way-they are practically living to the fullest, even though with every passing day Summersend gets more and more weak and tired-he's slowly fading away.

On their way back, he falls asleep in the car and doesn't wake up until they reach his flat. When they do-it's almost midnight, they go out on the balcony, drink beer and remember all the good things they've been through, not only on that road trip, but in their lives as a whole, while waiting for the sun to rise. Summersend thanks Livingston for the trip, for being the best friend he ever had, basically he gives him a big goodbye speech, which is the center of the whole story, then makes him leave and because Livingston realizes his best friend needs some time alone, he goes home and after a week of not getting enough sleep, he falls and doesn't wake up for another day. When he finally does, his mom tells him Summersend's father has called. Livingston doesn't need to hear anything else, he knows his friend is dead. He goes outside in his backyard, dressed up in a black t-shirt and faded blue jeans while trying to convince himself that Summersend is in a better place, when he feels the first chilly wind for the year announcing its presence and a leaf from the near tree falls in his feet-he makes the realization that the summer is gone, just like his best friend, and instead the autumn was setting in.

When I finished reading, I was crying-it was such a beautiful story, full of metaphors about life and death It was written in a smart way, even the names of the characters were symbolic-_Living_ston, the one who'll keep on _living_ and Summers-_end_( a surname I have never heard before and which I'm sure he has made up for the purpose of the storyline)_-_the one who dies at the peak of his youth, just when the summer is fading away. I cried so much I think that I even fucked up his pages a little bit with my tears and I guess it's useless to say I finished a whole box of tissues. When I got back to the fist page, I saw that Stefan's been in a struggle with the title, until eventually, after crossing off numerous words, he picked up _Autumn's wind._ Only now did I notice that under it, he has written –_To my buddy Jack_

I was amazed-I knew he was writing, but I never even thought he would be this good. This thing deserved some recognition, it needed to get out there, other people should be able to read this amazing story and when I thought of that I remembered that our English teacher has mentioned a Literature competition for short stories and poems announced by the Charleston daily newspaper coming up. Enthusiastic by the idea that has suddenly appeared in my head, I jumped up from my bed, after almost spilling Stefan's pages all over the place and turned my computer on-I was almost sure our teacher has send us the link for the competition with our last assignment and when I opened up my email I let a relieved sigh out. The deadline was in a few days, so I didn't even think twice when I picked up the lists, opened up a word document and started typing the whole thing out and while doing so I realized yet again how amazing this was-I relived every word, every little journey both characters went through. I felt like I could read this story a thousand more times and I wouldn't get even slightly bored with it. When I was finally done, I wrote a small letter to the editor, explaining that this is a story a very close person to me wrote, but whom I knew would never decide to get out there while I was sure it's worth for the competition. I gave my number, but made sure to include Stefan's name and address while also pointing out he is the original author. Then I carefully rolled up the pages and tied them with the same shoelace I've brought from their home and when I finally hit the bed, just as I could distinguish aunt Jenna's steps downstairs I thought about my boy with the sandy hair.

I hope he knows how special and talented he is, but above everything else I prayed that he gets better and I see his naïve childish smile yet again.

I was stubborn-I didn't want to accept there was no way out for him.

* * *

**A/N: Ugh, honestly, it was really hard for me to write this chapter so I hope you like it. I'm kind of bad on the sleeping department lately so I thought I use the time to write. I think it was only fair for her to see him fall apart, after he has seen her. As usually you can find me on twitter-Flowing_lantern if you have any questions. **

**P.S To the anon who's missing Peter from DI-I'm so sorry that I killed him. I still feel bad about this. Maybe I should write a missing chapter or something with him and Stefan idk. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Elena's POV**

The day after I saw the boy, I'm desperately falling in love with, fall apart in front of my eyes, writhe with pain and not be in his right mind, I woke up in the late afternoon from an awful dream.

First, I cursed myself for not getting up early, because the first thing I wanted to do was go right at his place and see how he was doing. I'm sure that he won't be okay probably for the next week or so and yet I could not leave him alone The thought of him lying helplessly in his bed, drowning in his own emotions and suffering in the worst way possible, was making me shiver in the warm June morning. I remember that last night, before I finally dozed off, after sending this letter with his short story, I was thinking about how I should act as the stronger person now and I forbid myself to cry. He needed someone to lean on and I knew that his mother and probably his uncle would not leave his side, but I was also aware of the fact that sometimes you just need another soul out there, a person who is not part from your family, to understand you and since he has lost his best friend months ago, he didn't have a single person to come by his side and simply stay in silence with him, until he feels comfortable talking.

Of course, it would be a lie if I said I wasn't pissed off-I was mad. I wanted to kick his ass and yell at him, because he hasn't been honest with me-he should've told me things are not at all good, he should've said he has stopped taking his pills, he should've started doing something about this whole thing and I was desperate to know why he has given up. Yet again, even though I was angry, I also realized that I should've tried to push him to talk about it all a bit more, I should've been smarter and notice stuff earlier. If I had-he might have not broken down and now instead of going to his house to see his empty gaze, we could've both been together, spending time, trying this whole new relationship we had and figuring how to work things out.

So yes, I also did blame myself, because I was realizing that he spent the whole last month by my side, actually..it was already more than a month, and never once did I go to his house when he didn't pick me up. I'm starting to recall all those times he didn't come to the support group meetings, remembered all the bullshit excuses he has decided to come up with, like how he was tired and he hasn't slept or that he had to take care of his brother-all those times he was probably lying helplessly in bed, slowly falling apart, little by little, day after day and yet he has found the strength to always come to me whenever I needed.

Stefan Salvatore was probably the strongest person I've ever met in my entire existence.

Only now did I start recalling all the times he had come to my house and had big circles under his eyes-God knows how much he was struggling and kept quiet about everything.

We were both leading the worst battle a person can ever fight-we were in a war with ourselves and that's the thing that killed us. But Stefan was the type of person who wouldn't come to you if he has a problem, he would silently suffer on his own, he would struggle and yes, it might drive him insane, but he won't let anyone else share the pain he has inside-he was simply too selfless to do such thing. Moreover-he was not only carrying his own pain without actually admitting he has it, but he was also willing to hear all about my pain, my problems, my own personal destruction and he was there when I was falling apart, he was there and he understood what was happening even when my own relatives thought I was just a bit down and everything would be alright after I talk a few times with a psychiatrist. He was smarter than that and he realized how the biggest enemy you could ever have is yourself and despite the weight he was carrying on his shoulders, he found strength to get out of bed and come to me, talk to me, tell me what would be best and he wasn't afraid to call me out on my bullshit with the pills.

The problem with him was not that he was refusing to fight-he was fighting, he just wasn't fighting for himself and that was the saddest thing of all.

After I woke up and looked at the clock on my desk I tossed myself back down on the pillows, though I was realizing that I was very late and I should've been there already. I just needed a minute to get myself together after I've dreamt of him telling me goodbye for some reason. We were somewhere near my own school, I remember seeing Bonnie, Caroline and Matt from afar-they were all heading to their cars and then I saw Stefan and ran towards him, he hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, but then after we pulled, he said I knew why he was here and that he just wanted to say goodbye. But why do this?

I couldn't figure that out at all and even though it wasn't a dream full of screams and cars falling off the bridge like usually, it still got me pretty scared and I found myself trembling a bit from the memory of his sad, pale face. I shook my head and stood up-it was no time for me to get weak right now, I had to get myself together and go over his flat. Who knows what has happened today while I was sleeping-surely Meredith have gone to pay him a visit, Rose probably as well. I wasn't even sure he would be in the condition to talk, but that didn't matter-I would still go, I would just lie next to him if I have to-I could not leave him alone and the only good feeling that I had right now was still concerning him-I was falling deeply in love with such an honorable person, I could not ask for anything else. Well, except from him getting better.

He was always the one to say he won't ever leave me behind and I never told it back-he needed to know it, I was desperate to tell him.

We were getting out of this place of sadness and despair and this stupid bullshit support group either _together_ or we don't get out at all-there is no other way and he'll have to understand this.

He holds my hand and I holds his, that's how it works. If we even want to try and do something out of this relationship, it can't be one sided-there were two people involved and he need to know that he was not alone, just like I was sure I am not, because he never failed to remind me. Even though, we knew each other for such a short period, I don't recall another human being giving me so many promises and actually living up to them.

But there was no one to promise Stefan anything-Meredith was giving up on him and even though she claimed she was doing everything she could, I saw it in her eyes yesterday-she treated him like a lost cause and the only thing she thought would be helpful was to prevent him from hurting himself. Could they not see-he was only doing so, because the emotional pain was too much that he was willing to hit himself in the wall and break his hands if he has to, but to feel something else-to distract himself. This was his way out-he was okay with physical pain and the stronger it was, the better, because it made him lose his mind and forget about everything else. His mother was suffering herself, I could see it was hard to get herself together and do something, let alone try and help him-she was desperate, it's been an awfully long time he was like this and as a mother, I understood, it was hard for her to see her child suffer. Then there was Damon, who she had to take care of and who was even more confused that she was-I'm sure he had no idea why his brother was like this, just like Jeremy had a hard time figuring out what on earth wasn't right with me and he was ten years older than Damon. Uncle Zach seemed to be the only one trying, most probably because he wasn't living with them and didn't have to see how bad Stefan was getting with every passing day-maybe that's why he was the strongest person in the room yesterday-his everyday routine wasn't that consumed by the pain of watching a teenage boy lose his mind repeatedly.

Once I finally found the strength to get up, I stretched my arms and looked for my own pills. I still haven't told Meredith that I was overdosing, even though I've promised Stefan-I decided that I can't do it by myself. I almost got to tell her last time we had a meeting, but I was too worried about Stefan and the fact that he was away and not answering his phone, so I decided, I would leave it for another time. Or maybe I was too scared to just go and admit it. Either way, I got it under control or so I kept telling myself as I sipped one extra pill in my hand last night-I thought it would help me fall asleep better, plus one pill is not a big deal anyway. I knew it wouldn't make much of a difference and yet I took it. I guess it gives me some kind of security that I won't break down in any given moment, especially now when Stefan needs me.

I took a shower, got dressed and left before Jenna has got home-as far as my brother is concerned, I think he was at a party last night and now he was sleeping unaware of the fact that he was alone in the house. I remember I got a text from Bonnie last night to go see a movie with her and Caroline and only now did I figured that I've forgotten to reply-it didn't matter anyway, they were both used to me not showing up at all lately and now with school over I didn't even need to tag along with them and figure what new lie to tell them and pretend how good I am feeling when in reality, everything around me was falling down.

On my way to the Salvatore house, I kept thinking about the short story that was in my bag and I hoped to get the chance and put it where it was today-I didn't want him to find out what I've done, when the time comes, I would tell him myself, but for now I would wait. When I checked my email before I left, I had received a letter from the editor, saying that the story is officially up for the competition and the results would be announced in a few weeks, they weren't exactly certain when, though. The good thing was that the first three winning pieces would be published in the Charleston daily newspaper-he could actually see his own writing printed somewhere if he won. Not that I had much doubts-the story was amazing, I wondered if he knows how good he actually is? Probably not, because that's Stefan-he always underestimates himself.

When I finally arrived his mom was again the one to open the door. I thought she won't be willing to let me in, but she did and she seemed glad that I was there. We talked some about yesterday and I apologized, if I brought them any kind of trouble.

"I know you tried to help, Elena" she said, her voice very hoarse, she seemed like she hasn't slept at all. I imagined her being by Stefan's side all night and the better part of this day

"He'll be fine" I said confident in my words and she took some time before she nodded, I'm not sure she agreed with me, I could see the confusion in her eyes-she was probably as lost as we all were-a mother unable to help her child. That must be one of the most cruel things on this earth

"If there's anything I could do" I started again

"Well, I can't really make him eat anything." she said with a sad expression. I'm sure she never stopped trying , but sometimes when you're in this condition people find it hard to deal with you and Stefan being stubborn on top of this, wasn't making things very easy "I've been trying all morning and Meredith was here around noon, but he just send her away. Can you maybe try to make him get up?"

"Absolutely. I'll do my best" I promised, even though I wasn't sure I would be able to make him talk, let alone try to get him up and bring him to the kitchen, but I wasn't anywhere near giving up. "You should really get some rest, Mrs. Salvatore" I said and I really meant it, I'm pretty sure she herself could collapse any minute now and as far as I could see Damon was nowhere around here as his own door room was opened and it was empty. He was probably still at uncle Zach and that was for the better-he surely didn't need to see all this.

"I'm fine" she opposed "But I need to go to the store and the pharmacy to get him medications. I don't want to leave him alone, though."

"He won't be alone." I assured her "I'll stay, you take as much time as you need." she nodded gratefully and explained that she has left some soup on the table, it was still warm, also if I needed anything I could call her-she gave me her number.

This woman was practically treating me like part of the family and I wasn't even sure where me and Stefan stood in our relationship, but I enjoyed being treated like I'm not retarded. Jeremy and Jenna always did things for me, they thought I would break if I wash the dishes or do the laundry. I liked how Mrs. Salvatore treated me as a human being and trusted me enough to leave me with Stefan. Not that she had much of a choice-if uncle Zach was with Damon, there was no one else she could ask to do those things and if I haven't showed up she would have gone outside and leave him here alone and she was worried anyway, but now at least she knew there was another human being to keep an eye on him. She said he might've fallen, but she wasn't sure, so I waited until she left and headed to his room.

When I opened the door carefully, I found him indeed asleep-the room was no longer a mess, I'm guessing Mrs. Salvatore has cleaned it all up, I could even see the photo with Jack back on its place on his desk, though the frame was still broken. He was lying on his right side, crumbled like a little boy, the t-shirt he wore was no longer the one from yesterday-he hasn't sweated and I assumed he was at peace, at least for now. When I approached him, he didn't even move and I figured I might as well lie down next to him, but before I did so, I made sure to put back the manuscript on the exact spot where I've found it. I hope he hasn't realized it was missing, his mom said he has mostly slept anyway, so I bet he still wasn't even back to his senses-that would surely take more than a day, if not a week. I've been where he was right now, just after the accident and then after I tried to kill myself-it was hell on earth.

I lay down next to him, trying not to really touch him as I was afraid he would wake up, but after I accidentally brushed my hand in his arm and he didn't move, I figured he probably won't realize I'm here at all so now with more confidence, I brought his hand up, closer to my face and gently squeezed it-there were still bandages around his knuckles and he was very cold, so I figured I should put the blanket resting on his other side over us. Once I did this, I rested my head against his and watched him as he breathed heavily in his sleep-his hand was lifeless in mine, his face very pale, the dark circles under his eyes were still present and yet he appeared to be the most attractive boy I've ever met. I almost blushed from my thoughts and looked down, though I was sure he won't see me-God, how much more will I fall in love with this boy? I feel like it's getting worse with every passing day, with every time I see him even. How is this possible? Is this how love works? Because up until now I haven't felt towards this to any of the boys I've dated-this was new to me and even though it scared me, it also made me happy and urged that sweet butterfly tickle in my stomach to get worse. Not that I had anything against it. Unlike Stefan, I wasn't fighting my feelings when it came to this and I surely won't start to do so.

We remained like this for another ten minutes or so and even I started getting sleepy when he abruptly gripped my hand , let a scared sigh out and almost jumped off from bed.

"Stefan." I said his name calmly and put my hand on his cheek, trying to hide the worry inside me-he was having a bad dream again "Hey, it's fine, it's just a dream." I smiled and he took a minute or so to realize what's going on before he laid back down

"Elena" he whispered, his voice still very hoarse from the sleep. He relaxed back on the pillow, but didn't let go of my hand, instead he brought it to his chest and tightened his grip yet again as he closed his eyes and brushed away the sweat from his forehead. He was confused, obviously still not very much aware of what was going on, I understood him and surely didn't want to confuse him, especially now when he was still slightly trembling from his bad dream so I decided that I'll sit up and give him some space, but as I started doing so he tightened his grip once again and pulled me back

"No." he said, worry evident in his voice. "Don't go."

"I won't." I promised with a smile and lay back down, this time on his chest. He was still breathing heavily, trying to make sense of it all, I wasn't sure what I should say here-I wasn't about to start asking him if he was alright when he obviously wasn't so I figured we should remain like this for a while before I urged him to get up. It seemed as if it was hard for him to form any sentences at all-he must've been pretty confused and talking was the least on his mind.

"You said the same thing yesterday" he spoke up, his voice still a little bit shaky, it made me wonder what he has dreamt about. I looked up at him confused, without leaving his chest, however. His green eyes were pierced at the ceiling, but he looked back down at me. I still couldn't find my Stefan there-the emptiness was present, but now there was sadness as well-he was shaken, his whole world has collapsed yesterday and I knew he would need time to get back on his feet "You said _Hey, Stefan_."

"You remember?" I wasn't sure he would be able to recall anything from that day, he was pretty confused and after they drugged him in this brutal way, I thought he won't even remember me being there.

"Yes" he tightened his grip again and I gently rubbed his palm with my thumb-the way he used to do it every time he wanted to calm me down. "It was before Rose drugged me. And then I fell asleep, I don't remember much, only this." he was speaking slowly as if it was hard for him to find the right words, to let it all out. He looked down at his hands and for the first time he let me go only to make the realization that something has went wrong.

"You hurt yourself" I spoke up and he looked back at me. I moved up and gave him a small kiss on the cheek in order to calm him down, then wanted to move away, but he put his hand on my neck and pulled me back to him only to return with the same-it was a small gentle kiss, like he wanted to say that he's grateful I'm here

"You shouldn't have been here" he finally let out once I moved back to his chest. I knew what he was doing here-he was starting to feel guilty and wonder what exactly has happened, what I saw-it was bugging him and that's the last thing I wanted right now so I moved up and he gave me a surprised look

"How do you feel?" I finally found the courage to ask him, not because I desperately needed an answer, but because I was in fact worried that he still looked like he would throw up any minute now

"Honestly..weak." he admitted while letting a tired sigh out. I felt bad for him, he wasn't much energetic by nature, but now he seemed like he really is lacking strength.

"Come on, let's go to the kitchen, you need to eat something." he closed his eyes and started shaking his head, he looked like a kid who's being stubborn, but I knew it was more than that-I bet he felt too weak to even stand up. I caught his hand and pulled him up a bit

"I'll help you." I promised and even though he wasn't happy with me and my demands he sat up and even that seemed to have taken too much of his strength. I stood up and waited a little bit while he was taking his breath and gathering whatever strength he was left with so he would be able to stand up

"Damon" he stated in a minute or so and it took me a while to realize that he was asking where his brother was, but it was a bit hard for him to form a whole sentence. Jesus, he seemed so confused-my beautiful intelligent smart and sarcastic boy was a pile of mess in front of me, he wasn't even half the person he usually was.

"He's at your uncle's." he sighed relieved and finally found the strength to stand up. On our way to the kitchen we had to stop a few times, because he was finding it hard not to lose his balance and when I finally helped him sit down on the kitchen table, he relaxed gratefully on the chair.

"Jesus Christ, I'm a mess" he buried his hands in his hair "I can't even get to the fucking kitchen without falling"

"It's okay, Stefan" I sat beside him, but he looked away embarrassed, trying to hide the disappointment on his face-he was feeling helpless and I started feeling short on words I could use in this situation. He was always the one to come up with the most simple and yet right things to say in those situations and now I was supposed to do the same-but I was no writer, nor could I figure out some profound way of saying that everything will be alright-it wouldn't be, not now.

"Actually, you know what?" I started again now trying to sound confident "It's not okay. Your mom said Meredith came this morning and you didn't say a word out and the truth is you're scaring me like hell."

"Elena" he looked up, I finally managed to see that light in his eyes that's been lost in the last two days-he was there, I knew it, he was just so lost and ruined.

"But I'm not giving up on you" I stated and searched for his hand again, restlessly shaking on the table-he still couldn't control it, I'm guessing it was probably because of the medications they drugged him with, not only the emotional state he was in "Just like you're not giving up on me."

"You shouldn't do this" he opposed "You shouldn't be here." he furrowed his eyebrows and tried to get his hand away from me, but I didn't let him go "You should be out with your friends, you should be living another live. You are not supposed to be next to such a ruined person."

"Stop it." I said it calmly, I didn't want to yell at him like they did yesterday and scared the hell out of him when he was already beyond confused "I am in love with you and I'm falling deeply with every passing day and here's the thing Stefan-I am not getting out of this goddamn support group without you, do you understand? I am not leaving you. I am not giving up like everyone else around you, no matter how much you keep trying to make me do this you're going to fail. I am not afraid to love you, I am not afraid to see you break down."

"There is no way out for me" he said calmly and leaned back on his chair

"There is." I squeezed his hand and he looked up "You need to start talking, promise me that."

"Elena" he said my name warningly yet again, God-he was so stubborn

"Promise." I stated again "Promise you'll get out of this just like I will, promise that you won't leave me alone, promise that you'll start trying again." I was starting to feel the tears in my eyes and I was desperately trying to prevent them from falling, he saw this however and pulled me towards him. I ended in his lap, he was hugging me tightly, I finally felt that he was alive, that he wasn't just a helpless boy barely holding himself up-the boy I fell in love with was now holding me as if our lives depended on this. I didn't cry, I didn't want to and I managed to get myself together, but he understood I was upset

"I don't want to lose you." I whispered in his ear while he was slowly rocking me.

"You won't." he cupped my face with his hands, only to pull me in for another kiss "I don't have the guts to leave such a beautiful girl." I chuckled and he finally gave me a weak smile, we were close to each other again, our noses were gently touching as well as our forehead-I didn't want us to part, not now, not ever "Because I know she'll kick my ass."

"Absolutely" I confirmed and he gave me another small kiss on the cheek while I leaned down and embraced him again, I was afraid to let him go, God, I was so afraid. I wanted to make sure he knows there's someone out there for him

"Elena..I love you being in my embrace, but my back kind of hurts" he said and I let him go instantly as I was afraid I'll cause him pain so before he could even protest and promise that he was fine, I jumped from his lap and went off to deal with what he's mother has asked me to do.

"Your mom left some soup here for you." I put it in front of him and the minute I did so he pushed it away

"Ugh" he grunted "I hate soup and she knows it." he crossed his arms on his chest and looked away, he was such a child right now, but once I pulled it back towards him and gave him a serious look he took the spoon and started eating. He was honestly too tired to finish the whole thing and after he ate some, he stopped and said he feels sick again and just as his mom came back home, he ran towards the sink in the last moment and threw up whatever he has eaten, which made her run towards us as soon as she heard us talking in the kitchen. She came by my side on the sink while he was clearing his face and I gave her an apologizing look to which she responded with a sad smile and put her hand on Stefan's back.

"I'm sorry" he said "I am so sorry." I think he wasn't apologizing only for what has just happened but also for the fact that he is causing her so much pain. For a moment, I felt like I should leave them alone, but just when I was about to move away and figure out how to give them some privacy, his mom looked up at me and nodded towards Stefan, who was still bend down on the sink, his head under the cold stream-she needed help.

"Come on, Stefan" she started and we pulled him away. For a moment he staggered again

"Goddammit" he cursed as we headed to the bed where his mom usually slept and helped him sit down

"Don't swear." his mom warned and it made me smile how serious she was about it. She touched his forehead once he leaned back and he pushed her away just as he closed his eyes and took another deep breath "You're warm." she stated

"I'm fine, it's from the damn drugs-they make me feel sick all the time." I sat down beside him and he slightly leaned on me-he was really helpless, he could not even sit without having something to support him at least from one side. His mom furrowed her eyebrows angrily and went to the other room to get him a blanket. She argued that he should lie down, but he continued claiming he was all fine-she had such problems with his stubbornness-whatever she said, he always opposed and even though I knew he was doing it, because he didn't want to worry her, it still made me wonder how hard it must've been for her to raise him.

**Stefan's POV**

I felt good having Elena in my embrace-it almost made me feel normal again, her presence was relaxing and after mom reminded that Rose would come in an hour or so and kept hovering all over me, we finally convinced her to go get some rest.

I really can't recall everything that happened yesterday-I just remember being extremely scared and confused, but now there was no trace of any of those things inside me anymore-I was only angry that I couldn't stand on my feet and now that Rose would come to drug me yet again, I would feel even more helpless than I am now. I seriously haven't broken down like this ever since Jack died and I couldn't figure out how things went so worse-I felt so bad, I just wanted it all to end and I do remember only Elena and a little bit of uncle Zach holding me tightly, but nothing else and maybe it was for the better. The worst thing was that the girl in my arms would remember it and I would never forgive myself for doing this to her, I could already feel the guilt crawling up inside me, making it hard for me to breathe.

"I read the book you picked up for me in the library." her cheery voice echoed through our small kitchen and it honestly made me smile

"You liked it?" I asked curiously, avoiding the conversation that I would eventually have to start with her-she might want to act all tough now and pretend to be fine for me, but I'm sure I've scared the hell out of her yesterday and she didn't deserve this

"Yes, but next time you should choose something a bit longer, especially if you plan on falling apart and sleeping most of the time, so I could at least have something to entertain myself with." she joked and I leaned down to give her a kiss on the forehead. She knew something wasn't right, that I was thinking about it all and she couldn't figure what was going on so she gave me a confusing look "What is wrong, Stefan?"

"I was just thinking" I tried to say calmly, silently, but I'm not sure she really believed me, because she continued starting at me intensely and I had no other choice, but to continue, even though I didn't really have strength for this right now

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, you know that?" I asked, still prolonging the moment as I gently rubbed her cheek with my thumb and leaned down, but not to kiss her, just to be close to her, I wanted to feel her scent, it relaxed me and it eased my heavy breathing, my trembling hands suddenly stopped shaking that much once I touched her "You don't deserve this." I finally concluded and she immediately tensed

"Stop it. We talked about this already, I am not leaving you and you can't push me away."

"Even after everything you saw yesterday?" I asked "You still want to be with such a fucked up person? Really Elena, have you thought this through?"

"In fact, I have" she stated, her voice strangely serious "I've thought about it more than you can even assume. I just can't seem to figure out how you think I am supposed to be okay with you making the decision to like me and be with me, but when I do the same, you question it? I am also a ruined person, I also break down and you were there when it happened so I can ask you the same question-are you sure you want to be with such a fucked up person?"

"I am" I hurried to respond, without any doubt evident in my voice "I have never been more certain about anything in my life. Even though, I am in a struggle with myself when it comes to our relationship, I can't help it-I'm just falling to deep too fast and I find myself unwilling to even try and stop it." she finally smiled and I tried to return with the same "That's probably the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life."

"And I love you for it." she whispered and raised up to give me another kiss, which made me suddenly feel too hot, or maybe it was because I was indeed, as mom suggested, warm, though my hands felt cold and shook uncontrollably "Your mom is right" she got worried all over again "You should lie down a bit."

"Jesus, if Jack was here, he would be bugging me about how my girlfriend is kicking my ass" I chuckled as she pushed me down on the pillow and tugged me with the blanket

"Girlfriend, huh?" she was a bit stunned at first, she never thought she would hear me say something like this. She knew I wasn't the typical boy, who liked to put labels on things or take the girl out to a fancy date or suit up for her prom-I was far away from those stuff and she was okay with it. She once told me she's too sick of the typical high school drama, she just wanted to live her life as best as she can at this unfortunate moment-she was appreciating the little things, but I could see how happy she was with me stating that she was my girlfriend

"You okay with it?" I teased her and she didn't fail to gave me one of her playful smiles as she pulled the blanket over me just as we heard the doorbell and my mom hurrying to open. I swallowed hard once I made the realization it's probably Rose and Elena saw it, but still gave me an answer to my question as she wanted to take my mind off it all

"I'm more than okay." she said with certainty "Now you're stuck with me, though."

"As if I wasn't up until now" I continued teasing her and she playfully slapped me on the chest. I loved to hear her laugh, it gave me life, but once she stopped and she looked back down at me, she read the sadness in my eyes as we could already hear my mom and Rose approaching us. Elena stood up, but I caught her wrist, I hated being so weak in front of her, but I didn't want her to go just now. I couldn't say it out loud, it was too hard for me to admit those things yet, but she was smart enough to read the confusion in my eyes-she knew how much I hated being sedated and feeling like crap, because she's been in this situation just like me, maybe not so many times, but still she had a clear idea of what was going on.

"I'm here, don't worry." she assured me and sat back down

"Your aunt" I suddenly remembered that her relatives surely must not be happy with her spending time with me, especially not right now and I didn't want to bring her more trouble than she was already into "She might be wondering-" I started, my voice sounded more hoarse with every passing minute, I was feeling dizzy again and that was strange, because I was after all, lying down.

"Stefan" she shook her head helplessly "It's fine, she's out running some errands anyway, I'll get back before dinner." she continued reassuring me "And you know what? Tomorrow, once you start keeping up all the food down and you feel strong enough we'll go for a walk and grab a slice of that delicious pizza in that place outside your brother's school, what do you say?" I nodded happily as a child

"Can I buy you ice cream?" I asked, having in mind how she always argued with me when I paid for whatever it was we were eating.

"You can" she chuckled "Of course you can, you are my boyfriend now." I smiled and closed my eyes, trying to imagine us together outside. God, how much I wished to get out of this house and spent some time with her.

"But that vanilla one" I started again stubbornly trying to impress her even in this condition "Because you hate the chocolate as you somehow always manage to mess up your face with it."

"That's right" she smiled again, though her expression suddenly changed once the door opened and mom and Rose got inside and greeted us. Elena immediately tightened her grip, and gave me an apologizing look once the doctor approached the bed. I no longer appeared nervous, however and I tried to give her a weak smile as I kissed her hand and watch her sit on the chairs next to the table, where my mom was leaning on and throwing me worrying glances.

I never once looked away from Elena while Rose was pumping her stuff in me-not even once, I was afraid that if I fall asleep, she'll disappear and right now, in this moment as I watched her from my bed, I felt just like that first moment I saw her in the hospital-except that she was awake now and she was trying to smile and give me strength, while I was slowly dozing off.

* * *

**A/N: Basically this chapter and the previous were one whole thing, but since it ended up being too long I decided to split it into two chapters. I hope I'm not boring you to death and you still do like this. I promise we'll get to see more happy things between them. Also about the short story-I see that you're all kind of angry with Elena and that's okay, you have every right to be. However, you'll see what happens with this whole thing later on. **

**Also to the guest person about Define infinity again-I kind of..wrote something, but I really don't want to post it here, so if you have a profile here you can write me a PM and I can send it to you, (though I still have some stuff to fix) and if you don't, we can figure something else out if you still want to read it, lol. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Elena's POV**

I was lying comfortable in my bed, reading the book Stefan has given me yesterday after our support group meeting. It was the first time he came after he has broken down and I've spent the better half of this pretty hard week by his side, every time I could get away from home as lately, especially after Jenna figured out what has happened with him, I wasn't really allowed to stay out late, especially not in his company. She was convinced that the more time I spent with Stefan, the worse I would get when in reality, it was the exact opposite.

But I still managed to go by his flat and take him out for walks, which would make him feel a little bit better, his mother was very grateful for me coming and a few times I stayed for dinner. Damon has finally come back home yesterday as well and when he did he practically threw himself in his big brother's embrace and refused to let him go for the rest of the evening, until he eventually he fell asleep on the couch while me and Stefan were watching a movie and his mom was getting some rest.

I loved seeing Stefan with his younger brother-he was really good with kids and it warmed my heart to listen to him coming up with stories and fairytales in order to help Damon fall asleep-it was sweet and it made me realize how even when he's feeling bad, Stefan is still doing everything he can for his family.

He has also finally lived up to his promise to talk to Meredith and she came by his flat twice this week. When me and Mrs. Salvatore were setting up the table last night while Stefan and Damon were playing in the living room, she told me that Meredith said he has finally started making a step forward and I immediately let a relieved sigh out-God, how much I wished he could start getting better. His mom was making sure he's taking his pills as well and I urged him to eat more, because he has started looking like a ghost and even though he was still the same stubborn Stefan, he has finally started agreeing with us. I could see how hard it was for him to find the right words and explain whatever it was that was going on inside him. He had the gift to write and he could write beautifully, but when it came to admitting all that pain and sorrow he was drowning into or all those horrible dreams he had, he suddenly found it hard to express all this sadness. And I understood him, God, I really did. I mean, I myself was unable to express in words this darkness that tends to surround me every time I decide I should try and sleep-how do you find words to describe this sadness? How do you even bring yourself up to talking about it? Can you even prepare yourself for something like this?

I was asking myself all those things and he was as well. During this past week we didn't only fool around like love-struck kids. Okay, yeah, we did this a lot-especially after he started feeling better. I felt like we were falling more and more recklessly in love and even though we were both a bit shy at first and..well we still were more or less, he has started kissing me more boldly, more passionately and I could see that light in his eyes that made me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.

And he surely kept reminding me of this-I might have been worried about him most of the time and I tend to scold him a lot like his mother did and every time I said something a bit more sternly, he would turn around, run his fingers through his hair, give me a playful smile and say that I'm beautiful. He never failed to compliment me. I might be wearing just a simple red top and my old shabby jeans and he would say I'm looking great, he would give me a kiss on the forehead and pull me towards him.

But anyway, we didn't only fool around, we also talked about more serious things and he pushed me to keep talking again, because I guess, I've left myself a little bit behind. Still, I was prolonging the moment when I would have to tell Meredith about the pills and Stefan was living with the thought that I have already discussed this issue with her. A couple of times, he tried to press the subject and I lied that everything was fine to which he respond with nothing but a confused and unbelievable look-he didn't trust me when it came to this, I could see it in his eyes, but we both had a lot going on right now and I'm guessing he figured he shouldn't press the subject further, not for now at least. In the meantime, every evening when I felt like falling apart I spilled a couple more pills in my hand than I was supposed to and I fell asleep..I did, even though I was feeling guilty, I was still craving for some rest and I surely didn't want to bother him with this, not right now when he was still trying to get back on his feet and start doing something to change his situation-he was finally willing to do so. I couldn't have been more happier.

Yesterday we got into an argument and made a bet about me reading this book he picked up at the library for me again-he said I won't be able to read it for a day and a half and of course I disagreed with him. I liked all the stuff he picked up for me and I figured that reading keeps me from drowning in my despair and my awful thoughts-it was keeping me afloat and I finally figured why he has been doing it all this time-it was relaxing and it helped me fall asleep, though that last part didn't really apply to him.

I was deeply concentrated when I heard some noise..it was as if someone has dropped something..no more like someone has thrown something on second thoughts, and I sat up in my bed, listening carefully to the usual sounds coming from downstairs, but I made the quick realization that it wasn't Jenna or Jeremy and just as it repeated I turned towards the window next to my desk. As I stood up and approached it, I saw a small rock hitting the window and I sighed both relieved and annoyed-I knew who was this.

When I saw his goofy smile from my window, I rolled my eyes, pretending to look annoyed when in reality I was pleased that he was here. He called me earlier and I told him that aunt Jenna wants me for once to be home at dinner time and that she wasn't very pleased, that I was spending so much time outside and none with them so he sadly hung up and wished me good night. I felt bad cutting him off like this, especially when I knew how much he wanted to see me. I knew the day must've been really tough for him as he has gone to Meredith's office again for a private session, which uncle Zach managed to pay for and he must've had a rough time talking about everything-even from here I could see his exhausted expression and his tired eyes, but he still looked so much better than a week ago when he was barely standing on his feet. He was dressed in a blue plaid shirt and dark jeans and as usually his hair was sticking up from all the wrong directions, but that was his charm and he knew how much I loved burying my hands in this blond mess.

I opened the window and leaned on the frame so I could see him better while he gave me another foolish smile. I prayed that Jenna was still in the living room watching TV and hasn't decided to go to the kitchen for something, because she would surely see him if she did.

"What on earth are you doing here?" I spoke as silently as I could and pretended to be angry with him

"Come on" he waved his hand "I'll take you out for a walk."

"Are you in your right mind?" I whispered through teeth, it was getting close to midnight. I wondered how he himself managed to get outside right now, especially when I knew his mom is keeping a close eye on him since she was still pretty worried and he had the tendency to lose his balance every now and then, because of the medications "I'm not going anywhere, Jenna would kill me!"

"Seriously?" he was confused and he shook his head helplessly "I came out here in the middle of the night, can't you at least get down for a few minutes?"

"No, Stefan, I can't" I was serious. I loved him and this was all very sweet and yes…dammit, the only thing I wanted was to feel the taste of his lips, but he had to figure out that he can't always get what he wants, not when my aunt was so pissed off at me for not being home or listening to her for an entire week

"Plus, I still have twenty pages of this book and I'm not letting you win this bet." I found another excuse and he threw his hands in the air helplessly, then buried them in his head, wondering what to come up with "Seriously, just go home, you look tired anyway." I advised him and saw him give me a really sad expression. He thought I don't want him here and I suddenly felt guilty. Before I could figure something else out, I watched him approach the porch and for my surprise he climbed on the stair railing and then stretched his hands only to grip the end of the porch roof and start climbing up.

"Are you out of your damn mind?" I suddenly raised my voice and as I did so I spooked him a little because for a moment he lost his balance and was really close to ending up with his butt on the ground, but he managed to stabilize himself and throw his right leg on top of the small roof

"I didn't come all the way here only to leave without getting a kiss from you." he whispered as he thought that making any unnecessary sounds would only expose him-the kitchen window was wide open due to the heat outside and I'm sure that if aunt Jenna wasn't listening to the TV, she could've heard the noise he was making

"If you fall down, I will kick your ass" I stated now angrily, but the truth is I was nervously watching as he finally rolled over and stood up to clean his clothes. I knew that he was a hurting a bit after this whole self-harm issue the previous week and doing such irresponsible things was making me go out of my mind-I didn't want something bad to happen, not after what we went through just days ago. He approached my window and gave me a wide smile while breathing heavily and stretched to grab the window edge and as he was finally on my level, gave me a quick kiss on the nose and waited me to move, but I didn't and he remained there supporting himself and relying on his own strength

"You're such an idiot" I crossed my arms on my chest to show him that I'm angry, but in fact, I was pleased that he was willing to overcome whatever obstacle there was, only to get close to me-I didn't want him to know that though, I liked to play around sometimes and he knew it-it was our thing. He also did it when I've made him eat all those horrible soups his mom made during this week or when he hid between the book shelves in the library and made me go out of my mind while trying to find him. It took me so long that I seriously started worrying that he might've passed out somewhere, especially when I had in mind how he still felt sick every now and then.

"But I'm your idiot" he stated and leaned to give me another smile, this time on the cheek, I didn't push him away, I liked having him so close to me, breathing his familiar scent that made me feel so secure-this time he didn't smell like beer, only like this freshly cut-grass, books and..of Damon-I'm sure he must have played with him up until now, or put him to bed-either way, it made me smile. Then he pulled back and I found myself frowning that he was again away from me which he accepted as a sign that I'm still quite mad. "Won't you let your idiot in?" he asked again, trying to sound quite sad and hurt, but I didn't move back, though I could already see he was having a hard time supporting himself

"Only until yesterday you were having a hard time walking in a straight line and now you're climbing my damn house, Stefan!" I whispered through teeth and he shrugged his shoulders as best as he could, though it almost made him lose his balance again

"Come on, Elena, just let me in" he was getting tired, I could see it, so I finally moved away and watched him roll over and land on the floor with a loud thud, which made me pray Jenna hasn't heard a thing. He didn't stand up immediately, instead he rolled over on his back and gave me a confused look

"What?" I asked annoyed, though I couldn't help but smile and he saw it

"I can't get up" he said and I suddenly got worried, so I leaned down and he stretched his hand "Can you help me?" there was something strange in his gaze, I couldn't pinpoint what and I figured he must be trying to hide his pain, so I didn't think twice when I grabbed his hand, still feeling quite worried…and then instead of me pulling him up, the idiot suddenly tightened his grip and pushed me back to him, only so I would fall on his chest.

I was so angry that when I finally managed to look up he was silently laughing, but before I could protest, he pressed his lips on mine and I felt myself relaxing in his embrace. He put his hand on my back and slowly raised up, only to then roughly pin me on the floor-our positions changed and in a minute his leg was between mine and I was running my hands through his ruffled hair while he still taking my breath away. I suddenly felt him everywhere-his hands were moving from my back down to my tights and when I hooked my legs around his waist, his warm fingers ended up at hem of my shirt, though he didn't hurry to find his way under it, so instead of him, I took the initiative and started unbuttoning his shirt. He broke the kiss, which made me frown, but only for a slight moment, because he moved down and started sucking the skin of my neck, making it impossible for me not to growl, which I immediately regretted as I realized that it showed him how weak I am in his embrace, but I felt him smiling as he continued going down placing gentle warm kisses on my shoulder.

"You are so awful" I said as I moved up and started teasing him by placing an innocent kiss on his cheek. Then I moved to his ear and gave him a gentle bite which cause him to move away from my neck and breathe heavily

"You're not playing fair, Miss Gilbert" he whispered and suddenly I felt him lifting me up. In the last moment, I managed to knot my hands on his neck and not fell off, but he was securing my back anyway and when we found ourselves up, he didn't hurry to put me on the bed. Instead, he just stopped kissing me and for a moment we intensely stared at one another. I was breathing heavily in his arms and couldn't resist having yet another kiss so I leaned down and he knocked the air out of me, but he also managed to lose his balance or so I thought as I realized that he was moving us towards my bed. He leaned me down gently, but this time I wanted to be in control so I hurried to use the moment when he was still staring at me in awe and pushed him down on my pillows. He removed a strain of my hair behind my ear and smiled. I loved his genuine smile-all my worries suddenly disappeared once I realized that he must be feeling a little bit better today. He raised up and supported himself on his elbows-he was craving for more and so was I, but right now wasn't a very good time "Stefan, my aunt's downstairs." I whispered and he sadly tossed himself back down on the pillows while I sat up in his lap, still not removing my hands from the hem of his shirt

"And your brother?" he was still whispering, I'm guessing because he suddenly remembered that mine and Jeremy's rooms were next to each other

"He's outside somewhere. What are you even doing here, Stefan?" I asked again seriously and he gave me an innocent smile

"I just missed you." he shrugged his shoulders "Can't we sneak out for a walk?"

"It's after midnight!" I protested, if Jenna figures out I'm not in my room that would be the end of me and then he would wish he hasn't come here in such an hour "My aunt is quite pissed off at me for not being home in days."

"I'm sorry" he looked down, feeling guilty as he was absolutely aware of the fact that he was the reason I get to fight with her so much these days. He then moved his gaze up expectantly and I knew that he was begging me to get out for at least a little while

"Don't give me that damn look, Stefan!" I slapped him on the shoulder and he pretended to be genuinely hurt, even jerked a little, which almost made me fall from his lap, but he caught my hands in the last minute and while I was trying to gain my balance he moved up and gave me another small kiss on the cheek. Jesus, can he not be that sweet? "Okay, okay, but we wait until aunt Jenna goes to sleep" he smiled, but I pushed him back on the pillows quite roughly "And I still want to finish my book, you're not winning this bet."

"Oh, come on!" he protested and I gave him my deadly stare so he had to suck it up "Can we at least cuddle?"

"If you're not bothering me while readingwho was I fooling, I knew he wouldn't let me go and yet, exactly because I was realizing it, did I want to be in his embrace "Then yes"

"Promise" he eagerly nodded and stretched his arm, only so I could lay down and pull the blanket over my bare feet while he gave me a kiss on the forehead and leaned on the bed board, my pillow supporting us both and I took the book I've put on my bedside cupboard, but didn't open it right away.

"How was it with Meredith today?" I asked and looked up at him and his expression immediately changed, he even tensed a little, but he tried to reassure me with another small kiss on my head

"It was fine" he has suddenly tensed, I could feel it as I was in his embrace and he let a small sigh out as if he was figuring out what to come up with. I'm sure he was lying or at least..hiding something "Seriously, it was okay. I stayed there for more than an hour."

"Stefan…"

"Don't worry about it, read your book" he searched for my free hand and intertwined his fingers with mine

"I just want an evening without us talking about this" he continued just as I've thought he wouldn't want to discuss it anymore "Without you worrying, without psychiatrists, pills and breakdowns. I want to give you at least one night when you can be happy" he was bashing on himself, I could feel it in his voice. He was sincere, but he was feeling like he's just made me go through hell with him, only for a week and yes..maybe it was like this, but I surely didn't regret it, because I've also made him go through my hell…for a month-this wasn't even up for discussion.

Even when he was feeling bad these last days, he never even once failed to call me before he went to bed-thank me for everything and ask how I was. I avoided his questions and he knew it-honestly, I myself wasn't sure how I was feeling. When I was with him, I was fine, even when he wasn't exactly okay and I had to see him suffer as a prisoner of his own mind, still…I wasn't hopeless. When we were together, I had this feeling like somehow things eventually will start getting better. I don't know why, I have no idea how-maybe it was, because I felt so secure in his embrace or maybe, because he kept reminding me that he'll do whatever he can to get me out of this mess. Even after we talked about the fact that I'm not leaving him alone in there, he still kept saying that he's making sure I get healed and honestly-it made me a bit mad, but I wasn't up to arguing with him. For now, I was just glad that he has finally started talking and was taking his pills-he had to get better, there was no other option. Maybe he'll need time, but so will I-that was fine.

"I am always feeling great when I'm with you, Stefan" I promised and noticed the disbelief in his eyes as he shook his head, but since he was the stronger one, he pushed me back in his embrace and with a desperate sigh, I opened my book. In a minute or so I relaxed in his arms and felt his tense posture change as well. He was impatient however, I could feel it, but he was trying to do his best-every now and then he would gently rub my shoulder or tighten his grip or just..stare at me, I felt his eyes on me

"Are you okay, Elena?" his question startled me. I was just about to scold him for not giving me the peace I needed "You look tired." I suddenly wondered if he would be able to figure that I'm still more or less overdosing and I hoped that he hasn't noticed. I wanted him to trust me, if he figures out right now that I haven't told Meredith and that I'm finishing my pills way faster than I was supposed to, he won't be only mad-he will be disappointed

"I'm good" I wanted to sound as confident as possible and brought his hand to my lips, I felt him smile-I was so used to him being close to me after a whole week by his side, that I could tell what he was doing, even when I wasn't watching him "But you have to stop staring."

"What-am I bothering you too much now?" his voice was teasing "Making it hard for you to concentrate?"

"You wish." I spit out, but he was well-aware of the fact that I had a hard time keeping my eyes away from him

"Oh, really?" he chuckled and I watched his hand find its way under my shirt-he was both tickling me and making me tense, but with pleasure "What about now?"

"Your game is weak, boy." I let out through teeth as I felt him moving up making small circles on my belly, his breath in my ear again.

"I think you're the one who's weak, beautiful girl." he teased and just as I was about to turn around and give him another kiss, I realized that I'm hearing steps coming up the stairs. I immediately sat still and tried to concentrate, thinking that I might just be imagining stuff

"Dammit' I cursed and started pushing him off the bed "Jenna's coming" it wasn't in my mind, I could hear her. God, I thought he was asleep downstairs while watching TV, she usually did this. I hope she hasn't heard anything

"What?" he wasn't scared. Stefan didn't get scared very easily, after everything he has seen in his in his life, he has thought himself control, but I saw it in his eyes-he was worried. He knew that if Jenna found him here, she surely wouldn't be pleased and he didn't want to get me into any kind of trouble. Suddenly, he started cursing himself for coming here in the first place-I saw it in his eyes, that guilt that always consumed him.

"You have to hide, fast!" I was trying very hard not to panic in front of him "She'll be here any minute now."

"Hide" he hissed "Are you out of your mind, where on earth will I hide-it's a small room, Elena!" I took a look around helplessly and I figured he was right, I was almost sure that Jenna would open the door any minute now and I won't get my ass off this room for the rest of the summer and..then my look fell back on our bed and before I knew it, I was pushing him off

"Under the bed" I whispered, just as he lost his balance and fell on the floor, he even let a painful sigh out and I cursed myself for pushing him, but he had to get down there, before anyone saw him "Stefan!"

"Okay, okay, I'm getting there, give me a second you just kicked me off your damn bed." he protested and I saw his hand on his back. I hoped, I hadn't really caused him any kind of pain, but then again this was Stefan, he wouldn't say he's hurting even if he's bleeding out right in front of you.

"There's no second, just get your ass down there already" I was watching him craw from the edge of my bed and once he has finally hid after a million curses from his side including _Where on earth did I find a girl like you_, I dropped my blanket down so the space under the bed wouldn't be visible and leaned back on my pillows just as Jenna turned the door handle

"Elena?" she asked and I looked away from my book, pretending like it is all fine while my heart was beating so fast, I could almost feel it trying to find its way off my chest "Are you still not sleeping?" her voice was both worried and a bit angry and I watched her open the door wide and entering in, which was a bad thing as I wished she could just check how I was and get back downstairs

"I have a few more pages and I'm going to bed aunt Jenna." I tried to sound as relaxed as I could "Is everything alright?" I could almost feel Stefan smiling at the innocence in my voice, I was sincerely hoping he was trying his best not to announce his presence though.

"I just thought, I heard something" she furrowed her eyebrows once she glanced over the window while I was thinking about how I should lie that I just dropped something and it's not like my boyfriend fell on the floor, trying to hide as fast as he can

"Why do you leave it open? It's getting cold at night, I don't want you sick just at the beginning of the summer" I watched her cross the room right in front of and prayed that she won't notice my blanket hanging out like a damn curtain from my bed.

"Sorry. I just felt hot is all" oh damn right, I felt hot, with Stefan's hands all over my body I didn't only feel hot, I felt like I'm on fire and I don't want him to ever stop touching me. Jenna turned around as she closed the window and crossed her hands on her chest "Look, Elena" she started and just when I was about to relax that she's not approaching my bed she headed towards me, only to find herself some free space at the edge of my bed and I tensed even more, if that was possible

"I know I'm a bit tough on you lately."

"That's totally fine" I hurried to assure her, which of course surprised her and I mentally cursed myself. She knew I usually put up a fight when it came to those stuff and now what? I was suddenly all good with this. She arched her eyebrow and looked down for a moment as she let a worried sigh out

"I know that you want to spent some time with Stefan" I looked away uncomfortably. If only she knew that he's right under this goddamn bed and he's listening to us. I was hoping she doesn't start bashing on him right now, cause I knew that would make him sad and he'll try to hide it from me "But I think you should start going out with the girls more"

"Aunt Jenna" I started shaking my head

"Well what? I saw Bonnie and her mom at the store today. She said she's been calling you all week and you've been ignoring her." her voice was a bit stern, but she was just worried, I knew it, she wanted the best for me ever since my parents died.

Aunt Jenna was the only person who never left me, she was by my side when I was in the hospital, she was the one to find me when I overdosed-I could have easily done to her the same thing Stefan's father did to him-she could have found me dead and if she was even a few minutes late, I might not be sitting here, sweating and worrying that she can find my boyfriend under my bed. I loved her and I knew she wanted nothing but to protect me and yet…she couldn't realize what exactly was going on with me. She was confused just as I was-my behavior wasn't simply a teenager playing hard on their folks, I was ruined and wrecked on another level and she had no idea what to do with me.

"She doesn't understand what's going on" I wasn't at all up for talking about my relationship with my best friends. I never brought myself to talking with Bonnie-I don't know why. I don't think she would've judged me or anything else, I guess I was just ashamed..of what I did and I wondered what she would think. Would she start treating me like aunt Jenna and my brother-would she be afraid that I'll do something stupid any given minute? I wasn't eager to find out, but yes..I guess I did miss my friend, I missed talking to her. Ever since Stefan and I became close, he filled all the gaps in my life-he wasn't just the boy I fell in love with-he was also a friend, someone who I could lean on in three in the morning when I was breaking down and I knew that he wouldn't take advantage of me being weak and he wouldn't even try to kiss me when he knew I needed to just talk to someone-he was there as a friend, not only as a lover and I couldn't have been more grateful.

"That's because you never tried to explain." okay aunt Jenna was right, I never tried to talk to Bonnie, even when she asked me what was going on and reminded me that I could tell her anything. Hah..anything? How do you tell your closest people that you tried to take your life away and your aunt found you lifeless on the floor? "She's confused, she thinks she did something wrong."

"It's nothing like this" I disagreed and to my surprise aunt Jenna stood up, only to lean and give me a gentle motherly-like kiss on the forehead

"Don't push your friends away, kiddow" she smiled and headed to the door, which resulted in me letting a relieved sigh out-she never noticed there was something unusual..like a Stefan hiding just under us

"And go to bed, please." she added, worry evident in her voice. I wished her goodnight and watch her disappear, but I didn't move until I heard her heading downstairs towards her own room and then I remembered that Stefan was still down there so I pulled the blanket up and leaned down to find him lying still on the floor staring up at me with his sad green eyes "Stefan, you okay there?"

"Oh, I'm great" he grinned "A bit dusty and all, but fine" he started finding his way out, but he didn't stood up immediately, he only pushed the upper part of his body outside and cleaned his shoulders "Jeez, do you people clean this room?"

"Oh please, yours looks like someone dropped a bomb right on it." he seemed worried about something though and when I gave him my hand and he finally stood up, he was strangely silent

"Your aunt " he started as he sat back on the bed, but this time he didn't embrace me or tried to kiss me, he just took my hands in his and smiled "She's right."

"Stefan, please don't start" I pleaded "You said it yourself-we don't have to worry about all those stuff tonight. Let's just go out for a while and be together without the rest of the world intervening." he wasn't pleased with my demands, but nevertheless he let a sigh out and nodded after a minute or so-he just couldn't disappoint me, that's who he was-his heart was pure and he only wished he could bring me joy, even though the world we were living in was just beyond screwed up

"Fine" he agreed and took my hand, helping me raise up. We decided he'll climb off the window and I'll go downstairs and sneak through the backyard door.

He reminded me a bunch of times to take my jacket because it was getting colder. I had no idea what he had in mind for us tonight, where he was planning to take me. At first I thought that he really just wants us to take a short walk or something like this, but then after we take the opposite direction from the park and made a turn, I knew I would see his truck parked there as this was always the place he stopped, so that aunt Jenna wouldn't see him driving me home or coming to check up on me.

Every time he had to sent me to my house late in the evening, he would stop the truck right here, in front of this bookstore, then come out and let me go, but he always watched from the corner until he made sure I've walked in-that's just who he was. He always said that he's not letting me out of his sight and last week, when Rose has come to drug him yet again he never even looked away from me. I couldn't figure if it was because he was afraid I'll leave him or because he wanted to make sure I was fine even when I was right in front of him. He was supposed to fall asleep within minutes, but he fought it as much as he could and when I came back to his side and kept reminding him that he should just let go, he continued being stubborn. I held his hands in mine and even though he was so tired and was barely keeping himself up, his eyes were on me-he eventually gave up after half an hour. Rose was really pissed off at him, she promised him that she would kick his ass if he doesn't fall and when he finally did, she said she hasn't seen anyone pull that stunt in her entire career-medications were supposed to make him fall within minutes and he has fought so hard only to stay longer with me-right in this moment, I realized something else-this boy..he was something different. And strangely enough he was willing to live in this awful reality a little while longer so we could be together-I don't think anyone has ever done something like this for me before. It was new and unexpected, but mostly, it warmed my heart and once he has dozed off, I leaned down to give him a small kiss on the cheek, which was my way of thanking him as I desperately tried to keep my tears from falling.

He was surprising me more and more with every passing day-I've started realizing that he was brave enough to fight everything he can, but to be with me-just like this time with Rose and just like tonight when he climbed the house and got to my window-he was unstoppable, he didn't want us to be apart and he could care less what was out there and whether or not it could hurt him.

So yes, his truck was there and when we took off and headed out of town, I was surprised. I kept asking him where he was taking me, but he just smiled and shook his head-I teased him, even tried to tickle him, but he was relentless. We didn't drive for such a long time-maybe thirty minutes or so until we he made a right turn and took off an off-road way which ended up leading us to some meadows, surrounded by a wooden fence. Even though I've been living in this town my entire life, I've never before been to this place, but it was…beautiful. I was so mesmerized that I never really noticed Stefan getting out of the car and coming to open my door. He had a blanket in hand and his bag for school, which seemed like it's about to burst out from the things stuffed inside her.

"Stefan, what are we doing here?" I asked once I finally jumped off and took his hand "What is this place?" I was starting to worry that he would try to get us in someone else's property and I wouldn't be surprised. He obviously read my mind and gently squeezed my hand in reassurance

"Don't worry" he smiled 'This meadow is all ours. It was my father's property" he cleared his throat and lead me to the fence, only to help me get over it-the grass wasn't high, someone has obviously taken care of it-it was cut off and the only thing you could notice from where we were standing were a bunch of trees scattered in different places across the meadow. Stefan and me started walking towards the closest one while he kept explaining "After he died it became mine and my brother's so we're not breaking in or anything, I promise."

"I thought you were taking me out for a walk." I protested once he stretched the blanket under the treat and we settled down. At first, I thought he would just like us to cuddle here and watch the sky, talk about some stuff, but then he started getting food out of his bag and he handed me a really big chicken sandwich as well as a box of ice cream-vanilla, my favorite one, some fruits and at last..a champagne bottle

"That's right, but I hope you don't mind this as well." he was avoiding my look, probably because he was feeling a little embarrassed and started figuring out how to open the bottle "I know we shouldn't drunk, but this it's not a strong one so I guess a glass of it won't do us harm."

"Stefan Salvatore" I finally spoke up, feeling the need to express my thoughts "Is this your way of getting me out on a date!" he looked away again, still fighting with the champagne bottle while I was watching him intensely, waiting for him to respond

"You know that I don't do dates" he finally let out through teeth and now suddenly his whole stubbornness tonight made sense-his inability let me be, his persistence to get up in my room, his willingness to even hide under the bed with the risk of getting exposed-he was desperate to take me out here, to make me feel like his girlfriend

"Yeah, right." I leaned down and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "You're sweet."

"I'm not sweet, I am a boy" he protested "I can't be sweet."

"You could have at least warned me so I can put on a dress" I didn't even slightly care that he was pretending to be insulted by my compliments. He was indeed sweet-I knew that it wasn't like him to do all those typical stuff and I've told him that I don't need them-I just want to be with him, to spent time with him, no matter where or how-to be next to each other was the greatest gift, because who knows what could happen tomorrow? He might break down, I might fall apart and we won't be ourselves again and we'll have to fight like hell to get back to normal and honestly I was afraid that one day…I might not find the strength in myself to do so and I might decide to do something stupid. I was scared for him as well so I've figured that I only wish us to be fine, not even great, but to be by each other's side.

"Why so?" he sighed and finally looked up while stretching his arms and leaning on the tree behind us "We expect so many awful things to happen to us any minute now, Elena. We live in a constant fight with ourselves as well as the fear of breaking down." he gave me a sad smile

"I wanted at least the good to be unexpected so we can remember it longer." he pulled me closer to himself so he would make sure I feel warm enough, even though I had my jacket on "For me you're beautiful whatever you're wearing."

We stayed there until the early morning, we were drunk, not from the champagne, but from our love for each other. We talked so much-about everything around us, about our problems, about our feelings, about how deeply we were falling for each other and how maybe yes..that was scaring us and yet we weren't hiding it. At some point, I fell asleep in his arms, listening to the steady beating of his heart and when I woke up, I was in his truck, he has carried me all the way there and has drove me home-his green eyes were tired, but he found the strength to smile and give me one last kiss goodbye, before I sneaked in from the backdoor.

For the first time after my parents died, I was feeling genuinely happy and the reason for it was my boy with the sandy hair-as much as I was afraid to admit it, he owned my heart.

I love him.

* * *

**A/N: I tried to make this one a little bit brighter. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Elena's POV**

Stefan and I have just settled down on our usual seats in the relatively big room for our next support group meeting. There weren't many people today, probably because half of the kids have already left for some vacation with their parents or for summer camp and two of them left our group last week, after they were cleared and according to Meredith, good to go on with their lives. Stefan was holding my hand and didn't let me go, even when we settled down-I've started sitting next to him this past week and he didn't mind, though the chair next to his one was usually empty-reserved for Jack, who would never again come to this room. Meredith has announced that this meeting will be quite different from the others and I was honestly a bit curious what it could all be about, though all my thoughts were currently focused on Stefan and his damn hand, which was drawing circles on my lower back and was driving me insane.

I still haven't talked to him about the pills and he was quite sleepy and restless lately to notice that something was wrong. I thought, that I should talk to Meredith one of these days, but I couldn't do it when he was here, he would immediately figure out that something's wrong if I decide to stay a little while longer after the meeting and I didn't want to worry him, especially when I knew how he was still trying to get himself together after he broke down. He was really trying to hold on for me and I could see it-he took me out whenever we had the possibility to do so, he said he can't stop thinking about me and honestly..the same counted for me.

Luckily these days, both my aunt and Jeremy were too distracted to notice how much time I was spending with Stefan-my brother was getting ready to leave for a month at our relatives in Denver and aunt Jenna was overwhelmed at work, she barely got home for dinner and that was all fine by me, because I usually got out before she would come home and start scolding me like a child for wasting so much time with Stefan, instead of thinking about myself and trying to figure out how to deal with everything. She wasn't bashing on Stefan that much anymore, but she still wasn't sure how good of an influence he was on me. She wouldn't understand me, even if she wanted to try-I'm sure she's far away from realizing that I love this boy. I was feeling quite afraid to admit it to myself, let alone say it out loud to him or someone else, but it's the truth-I was looking at him right now, he was staring at the window before us, thinking about something, wondering, his face wasn't that pale anymore, but he still seemed tired.

I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he was hiding something, not telling me the whole truth, especially when it came to us discussing how his private meetings with Meredith went-I couldn't figure if he was afraid to say what was going on, because he wasn't making any progress or if there was something worse than that. Honestly, to me he seemed quite better-yes, there were moments when we were all alone, when he would spent every single minute to constantly remind me how much I mean to him, but he often drifted away into his own world and I had to call him out, so he would snap out of this state and come back to me-I knew he needed time, I wasn't fooling myself into thinking that this would all pass in matter of months. During this week after he broke down and I spent a lot of time in their flat, I heard his mom and Meredith talking once. I didn't mean to do so, it just happened as he has just fallen asleep and I've headed to the door in order to get out of his room, say goodbye and leave-but I heard them and I wished I haven't.

"Okay, everybody" Meredith interrupted my thoughts and Stefan snapped out of his state, removed his hand from my back and just as I was about to give him a disappointing stare, he moved his chair closer to mine

"I figured we should do something different today, so I invited a close friend of mine to join us" only now did I notice the man, who came next Meredith and who was up until now leaning on one of the tables behind the kids across from us. I thought he was someone's parent or something like this, but once Meredith called him out, he approached her with a big smile and sat just beside her

"Oh you gotta be kidding me" Stefan whispered besides me, his whole facial expression has suddenly changed-he somehow seemed both serious and sarcastic and I haven't seen this side of him in quite some time

"What is it?" I asked curiously "Do you know this guy?" he nodded and before he could continue the man sat down and introduced himself as John Spencer. He appeared to be in his mid-thirties, he was tall..actually kind of handsome, but there was something in his facial expression, in his look that just pushed me away-not that he appeared to be a bad person, he was more like..he was fake, dishonest.

Stefan was widely smiling and shaking his head as the man started telling the story of his life, which was of no interest to me at the beginning, but I figured I might as well listen to it since Stefan was obviously amused by the fact that this person was here. It seemed like he has seen him already, he was actually trying to prevent himself from bursting out loud. The man was talking about a time when he lost his job, got divorced and his wife got the custody of their kid-he was hopeless, couldn't figure what to do with his life and deiced to kill himself-it was a typical sad story, nothing like mine or Stefan's or anyone from the group for that matter, but I still felt bad for the man-I felt bad for anyone, who hated themselves so much that they figured they're better off dead than alive. Stefan wasn't even slightly disturbed by the dramatic way this guy was speaking and well..yes I admit, he was talking as if he owned the attention in the room and it was, in fact, like this-the rest of the kids here were listening to him as if their life depended on it. There was even this girl, Samantha, who was drooling over the dude-I hated her, because I've noticed the way she looked at Stefan and yes..maybe I was a bit jealous, but my boy with the sandy hair has made it clear that he's only interested in me.

"Stefan, who is he?" I whispered again and thanked God for the fact that we were too far away from Meredith and the new guy to hear us.

"Someone fake" he hissed and I guess he thought I was already done with the questions, but I continued staring at him demanding an answer "Me and Jack used to call him Johnny Special-he's some old flame of Meredith's that she hired to lift up the spirit of the group-he's full of crap."

"So his story isn't true?" I asked in disbelief, even though this man seemed a bit over the top, I'm not sure he was lying. Stefan seemed pretty convinced though, but naturally he didn't trust people

"For me, it's not" he whispered again, just when Meredith gave us a deadly look and I moved uncomfortably in my chair "And there isn't anything he could do to make me believe it is." the man started talking to the kids closer to him, but I noticed him peeking in our direction and giving Stefan curious stares. I'm guessing Stefan was the only one, who has seen him before-kids didn't remain part of this group for a long time, they usually healed in matter of six months or an year and then moved on with their lives. As far as I knew Stefan and this other kid Colin, who was younger, were the only two, who's been here for more than that time period-more or less Stefan was considered to be an unfixable human being according to the rest of the group. I guess partly the reason why Stefan was pushing me so hard to keep going and get out of this state, was because he didn't want me to end up like him-he was determined to do whatever he can, but to get me out of here. I wanted that as well, but I didn't want to leave without him, as I've already stated and kept reminding him, to which he didn't respond in any other way, but with a knowing smile-he didn't believe in himself..still.

"And then I thought" the man raised his voice and Stefan was about to burst out yet again, which is why he looked away, then leaned down and whispered in my ear the rest of the sentence "Why not just try to get myself out of this state?" Stefan's warm breath tickled me

"How many times have you heard this story?" I asked and just as he was about to answer, Johnny Special turned towards us

"Well hello there, Stefan" the man interrupted us and Stefan gave him a sarcastic smile. Both Meredith and John have realized that we're making fun of the whole situation and I was sitting there, starting to sweat that I've been acting so immature while Stefan leaned back on his chair and smirked "I see you're still here."

"How could I miss this wonderful lecture on life?" I haven't seen him being sarcastic in a pretty long time, but now he was at his finest. I was trying to imagine what these meetings were when he and Jack used to come here and make fun of everything. Two young reckless ruined boys mocking everything the grown-ups were saying, fooling around, not even thinking about getting better and just killing time here as they had no other choice, but to obey their hopeless parents.

"I see you're still using sarcasm as your best and only defense" John commented, he sounded a bit mean if you ask me, as if he wanted to prove some point by using Stefan's vulnerabilities

"Not at all, John" Stefan was calling him out as if he was his best friend or something "I'm just stating things as they are and not participating in the way you're charming all those kids into thinking that life will get better all of a sudden."

"Stefan" Meredith said warningly as she felt the situation was getting a bit uncomfortable, but Stefan ignored her and continued looking John right in the eyes, without even blinking. I stretched my hand to find his again, but he didn't make any attempt to intertwine his fingers with mine and I remained just like this-hanging in the space between our chairs

"It's okay, Meredith." John assured "I don't mind the fact that he doesn't believe my story."

"That's because it's a bullshit one, John." Stefan said out loud, without even regretting his words and the room went silent. The whole situation somehow became even more awkward than before, though neither John nor Stefan seemed even slightly worried-they were in a staring contest, trying to prove each other's points

"I'm all good with the rest of the people here believing the fairy tales and the happy endings that you're feeding them. I just don't want to be one of them, no offence."

"None taken" John replied, though I could notice that he's voice has changed-he was angry and I figured that Stefan was right-his story was a made-up one, otherwise he wouldn't have been even slightly intimidated by the accusations Stefan was throwing at him. He needed to prove a point and the boy next to me was crushing the castles he was building in front of us to the ground

"Where's your friend?" John asked out of a sudden, just as I saw him taking a few steps back. I thought he has decided that the conversation was over, but I guess he changed his mind "The one, who sat next to you?" I suddenly felt Stefan tense, he rose up a bit, looked back at John angrily and clenched his fists, so I couldn't even try to stretch my hand and try to calm him down. I'm not sure he was even thinking about anything else, but Jack right now.

"He's gone" Stefan answered through teeth. He was trying very hard to keep himself together, I could see it, his eyes were a bit watery and he was now gripping the chair with his hands as if his life depended on it

"Oh" John said and I guessed that he has figured it out "So he left and you're still here?"

"He's dead" Stefan's stern voice echoed through the silent room. John gave Stefan a sad look as he sat back on his chair and shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of some awful thoughts "He killed himself." Stefan continued and stood up abruptly, just as I was about to try and figure out a way to calm him down

"If you'll excuse me, I have better things to do" he headed to the door and I hurried to follow him, even though Meredith tried to stop me by reminding me that the meeting is not over. Stefan opened the door, as if his life depended on it and once I was out as well, I found him leaning on the wall, breathing heavily, trying to pull himself together. I came by his side and at first, I was a bit afraid to touch him since I didn't know what he could do-sometimes when you get in this condition, you lose yourself to the point where you have no control over your body, but once I approached him, I realized that he's still sane, that he's trying not to fall apart and I dared to pull his head to my shoulder and embrace his big arms with my tiny hands-he wasn't crying, he just needed someone there right in this moment, to know that he's not alone. I don't know how much we stood there with me gently rubbing his back, until he pulled away and gave me a kiss on the forehead

"Thank you." he whispered and found my hand and we headed down the stairs-I couldn't stay even one more minute, for him I'm sure that counted as well

"Do you miss him?" I somehow felt the need to continue the subject. I knew he was hurting and I knew he always avoided talking about Jack, probably because it hurt too much, yet something in me made me push things a bit further. I expected him to shut me off and not respond at all, but instead he smiled, though he kept looking somewhere in front of him, refusing to grant me one of his warm glances, I'm guessing because he was trying hard to hide his tears.

"Every day." it was hard for me to even catch his words-he was talking so silently, more to himself than to me.

"I'm sorry you lost him." I said, just as we were exiting the building and took down the street. He was very lost in his own thoughts again, but he was still here with me, because I could feel him tightening his grip

"I keep telling myself that maybe it's for the better" he sighed as he stopped by the usual place where he bought me ice cream and gave me a questioning look, but I shook my head and he sadly disagreed with me, though continued walking anyway.

"But I can't be sure. I just hope he's fine wherever he is right now" probably out of some instinct, he looked up at the sky and pulled me closer to him, only to give me another kiss on the head.

"I lost my friend" he started "But I don't want you to lose yours, just because you're afraid to admit what's going on." I suddenly pulled away and gave him a confusing look. Only now did I realize that he wasn't taking me to the park where we usually walked and spent time sitting on a bench for ages-he was walking in a whole different direction.

"Stefan, what are you doing?" I stopped and he gave me a wide knowing smile

"I made sure you don't lose your friends" he smiled and I gave him an angry look "I called Bonnie"

"What?" I was suddenly pissed off. That was the problem with overdosing-you get from one emotion to the other in matter of minutes. I could be an extreme pain in the ass or I could be the sweetest girlfriend ever. Now I was the first one.

"Please, don't get mad" he started and took my hands in his "I didn't tell her anything, I leave that to you."

"Stefan you can't just-"

"Please, just listen" he started again and pulled me to one of the benches outside the grocery store

"I lost my friend" he said sadly and my mood changed yet again. I was still pissed off, but I've started feeling bad about him again "You have no idea how hard it was to watch them bury him, to see his father break down in front of me, to realize that I can't call him in the middle of the night anymore, because he won't be there to pick up, to wake up next morning…and start the day without yet another important person, who was a great part of your life. There are a bunch of things I wish I could tell him right now" he looked away for a moment, took a deep breath and tightened his grip "There are a bunch of things I wish I could do with him, but I can't anymore. And I don't want you to miss on all those moments you can have and share with Bonnie. She truly cares about you," he looked back at me "She is worried about you just as I am.' he let a nervous laugh out "I guess, I just want to make sure you have someone else out there besides me, even if this is a very selfish reason."

"It's not" I hurried to assure him and gave him a smile. I knew why he was doing this-he was just like this, he wanted me to have it all-a better life, a friend by my side, to feel loved and not alone. He would do anything he could to provide me with everything that could help me feel better again and I loved him for this, even though I was still a bit mad that he did it all behind my back.

"I just" he started explaining himself again, probably still thinking that I'm mad and I would start yelling or something like this any minute now

"Stefan, it's fine" I leaned down to kiss him and he pulled me closer. I finally got the passionate kiss I was craving for, ever since we got in the support group room. Stefan surely knew how to charm a girl, how to make her feel like she's the only thing that mattered in his life, he took me in his lap and I embraced his neck-he was unwilling to let me go, but he had to as we were desperate to catch our breath already. Once we pulled away, I remained with my eyes closed and our foreheads touched, but I knew he was staring at me, I've caught him doing this quite a few times already and I was thinking of confronting him, but I figured he might think I don't want him to do this when I was in fact, enjoying it. "I'm just a bit scared I guess."

"Don't be" he pulled a strand from my hair behind my ear and smiled "She's waiting for you at your house so you can talk. I'll walk with you."

"I thought we were going out tonight. You promised you'll take me to that other rooftop and watch the sunset together." I protested like a little child, trying to prolong the inevitable talk with my best friend. I was starting to get nervous and he could feel it, which is why he insisted on walking me all the way to my house-he wanted to make sure I won't try to get away with it.

"We will go there, I promise." he stood up and stretched his hand to help me stand up. Stefan, always the gentleman, making sure I was all fine when he himself was far from it "Tomorrow, I'll come and get you so we can go."

**Stefan's POV**

She gave me a sad puppy look, but there wasn't really anything I could do-I wanted her to have fun with her friend, to spent some time with her without me interrupting. I loved being with her all this time in the last two weeks, but I could also feel that she was trying very hard to make me feel better and was leaving herself behind, which I hated and it made me feel more guilty than I already was when it came to her, to our relationship as a whole. God, she was so beautiful, so loving and caring and the way she suffered and went through all this, was making my heart ache-she didn't deserve this, there had to be a way out for her and I've sworn to myself that I'll do whatever it takes, but to make sure she gets better.

My meetings with Meredith lately were a little bit more productive than usually-yes, I've started talking, though I'm not sure how much of a progress I was making. In our common support group meetings, I was usually still very silent and Elena noticed that, but I'm guessing she was hoping that I'm making some progress in those private sessions-so were my mother and uncle Zach, who was the one paying for this.

At first, I wasn't up to doing this at all-I didn't want him to waste more money on me than he already was-he had to pay for all those medications that Rose kept sticking up in me this whole week, he had to take care of my brother and now he was paying Meredith for extra hours-it was just too much and I was feeling uncomfortable as I wasn't doing anything to help any of them. Mom was still very worried about me, she came often to my room and urged me to do all the things that I didn't want to do at all. I understood her and I was obeying, because I hated to see the hopeless look on her face-I was doing it for her and for Damon, not for me at all. It was hard and heavy to keep on going, but I had to. I still had so many more things to do and I couldn't just stop here, not with Elena now in my life, something, with which I was still struggling as I wasn't sure how good it was for her to have me by her side.

I left her on the corner of the street leading to her house, she gave me a nervous smile and a short kiss on the lips, but I just couldn't resist myself and pulled her in my embrace, only to continue what we started and leave her breathless.

"You're always doing this, Stefan" she whispered, once I let her go and squeezed her hand as I gave her a questioning look, waiting for her to explain "You just manage to shatter my whole world."

"I hope I'm doing so in a good way" I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek, I didn't want to let her go, not now when it suddenly became great to have her by my side yet again "You should go now."

"Will you at least come by later for a little bit?" she asked desperately and it made me smile

"I will, I promise." she suddenly smiled. I loved making her smile, feel better-it made me also feel good "You forgot your jacket at my truck last night so I'll pass by to give it to you, okay?"

"You don't need to do so" she assured me, but I shook my head. I needed to get the truck from our house, so I could drive to the cemetery-I had the need to visit Jack's grave, I haven't been there in more than a month if not two and today, after everything that happened in the support group, I just had the need to be there for a while, feel close to him again, have that stupid feeling of him being by my side, when he was in reality, in the ground under me "Or you have something else to do?"

"I do" the worry on her face disturbed me so I hurried to assure her "I promise, I'll be fine. I'll come by to see you later." she nodded and I let her go, though I was really unwilling to do so-I could see how nervous she was to actually go and discuss the whole matter with Bonnie, but she had to do it, for her best and yes..maybe I had my own selfish reasons, but I wanted to make sure, that she had someone else out there beside me, who she could lean on.

I was afraid and uncertain when it came to my future-yes, I was trying very hard to keep myself from drowning in the sorrow and despair and there were indeed some really good days in those past few weeks-something, which I can't remember happening ever since Jack died, but I couldn't risk it-something might happen with me. I might be the one to do it or it could be just some unfortunate circumstance-I just didn't like to take any chances. She needed a soul out there to support and understand her in case I couldn't. I couldn't stand the idea of her not being fine.

There were moments in those past two weeks, when I caught her in quite the unusual mood-she was either too sleepy or too enthusiastic and I tried not to worry much, because it could be either the medications or just her way of letting go of her worries, but I just couldn't get rid of this pit in my stomach that something wasn't quite right with her and I was wondering whether or not to share this with Meredith. I didn't want to betray her in any way and I wasn't certain what was going on anyway, so I might as well be wrong since I wasn't in the perfect condition myself-I haven't slept in two days again and mom's been hovering over me since last night, worrying why I'm not resting. That's why I wasn't in any hurry to go back home and why, once I got in the truck, I started driving towards the cemetery.

I found his grave pretty fast-I knew the way there very well, after all I've been coming here multiple times since we buried him. I still couldn't get rid of the image of his crying dad, the heaviness of the coffin on my shoulder as me, his father and his two cousins were carrying him towards the freshly dug grave-I remember it all so very vividly. There weren't many people here for the funeral-only his father, a few of his closest relatives and me. By that time, I has just started walking on my own and going out and here I was, trying to remain stable and carry my friend's body, only so we could bury him in this cold damn ground. I shook my head, trying to get rid of all those memories as I finally approached his grave and took a minute or two, only staring at his name, the years and the sign-_Beloved son and friend_. Then I sat down besides it and closed my eyes, just listening to the wind slightly passing through us both, making me shiver just a little bit.

I didn't talk to him, I haven't done this in quite some time, I just didn't feel like it today, I only wanted to be by his side, to feel his presence somehow so that's why I only greeted him and put my hand on the gravestone for a moment.

I started remembering things-memories can both kill you and make you happy-I was brought all this time ago when he came by my flat-it was the last time I saw him alive. Back then, I've been having fever for the last few days, even though it's been about three weeks since they've let me out of the hospital and I was still a trouble to my mom. I was in an extremely awful mood and I've talked to him on the phone the previous day, told him I'm a pain in the ass and it's better that he doesn't come, cause I'll probably just screw up his mood even more.

He sounded like hell back then, worse than me and that was saying a lot, I'm guessing he has really broken down, probably more than once, while I was recovering. When he was with me in the hospital, he has admitted things aren't good, but he never dug deeper into it and I never pushed him, I don't know why, maybe I was waiting for him to just let it all out, but he didn't. He was a selfless person by nature and he probably thought, I had enough things to deal with right now and I was watching him from behind-he was fading away and I wasn't even realizing it.

Anyway, back then when he came to see me for the last time, he didn't call, he just rang on our door-I remember, I was on the balcony, it was a little bit colder back then, there was this chilly wind, similar to the one right now, and mom has helped me move outside to get some air, so I was surprised when I heard his voice once she opened the door, but tried to smile and gather my strength. I'm guessing he was trying to say goodbye to me back then and I was probably too delusional and sick to realize it-he has brought some beer and we remained outside, talking about some of the things that we've been through-not sad stuff, more like ridiculous situations we had and good moments we shared. We stayed outside for more than two hours, I believe and I really had a good time-he definitely cheered me up and kept reassuring me that everything will be okay, that I'll get healthy and I'll stop going to the support group meetings and only after it all happened, did I remember that he was talking only for me..not for both of us. It was, as if he was desperately trying to make me believe that things will get better, I'm guessing it was his last try to give me some advice before he was gone. At the end, when we stopped talking and only remained together in silence, I was so tired that I've fallen asleep and he has left. I never got to say goodbye, not in a real way.

I wish, I could promise him that I'll get better, but I can't-I think it's too cliché. All those boring stories that Meredith is trying to rub in our noses about how there is actually a way out, only if you look on the bright side-bullshit, those are stories similar to the fairy tales I read to Damon before bed. Things don't work out this way, you don't just magically wake up and figure out how great the world is-they take time and God knows, it's been too long for me. I guess that's why I want to push Elena so hard to get out of this state-I don't want her to keep listening to those stuff and make the realization that they are not even slightly true, I don't want her to have to fight as hard as me and Jack have, I don't want her to get any worse, I am afraid of that, but if it does happen, I still won't leave her, no matter what.

I don't know how much I stayed there, but it was getting late and the evening was starting to settle in, so I stood up, rubbed the gravestone goodbye and left back to my truck. I figured I should drive back to Elena, her jacket, the one she's forgotten the night before, was on the seat next to me and I remembered the moment when we got too hot that she felt like she needs to take it off, just because it was hard for her to catch her breath after being in my embrace for too long.

Once I finally got to the usual spot where I stopped, in front of this bookstore on the corner of the street leading to their house, I hopped off the truck and first took a look at the house-there was light coming out from every room. I smiled-I'm guessing Bonnie was still here and her aunt Jenna has come home for sure. I probably shouldn't bother her now, but I promised her and I wanted to give her one last kiss before I got home, so I opened the other door in order to grab the jacket from her seat and once I slammed the door back and took a step away, I heard something fall on the ground.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have noticed it, but I guess something made me look down at my feet.

I froze on my spot, once I saw the orange bottle with her pills, similar to all the others I had back at home. I furrowed my eyebrows and kneeled down. Has she not be taking them? Or has she just forgotten that they were in her jacket?

I picked it up and looked more carefully at it, only to make the realization that there were something like ten pills left in there.

What..that's not possible, I was with her last week when she bought them. I remember very vividly how she started complaining that she has to buy another bottle and that we have to walk all the way to the pharmacy, as I was barely supporting myself anyway. I remember reassuring her it was all fine.

Now it wasn't.

She wasn't supposed to finish them so fast. It's been less than seven days.

I stood up as I let my worst thought sink in-she's been overdosing.

And now everything started making sense-the change in her mood, the fact that she got so much more sleep than me these past two weeks. She never told Meredith, she has lied. And not only did she not tell her, but she didn't even try to stop.

Oh, God, no.

"No, no" I started kicking the truck door with my feet and once I felt the pain in it, I stopped and threw the bottle to the window. As I turned around and buried my hands in my hair, I felt the tears trying to find their way down my cheeks, but I was desperately trying to prevent myself from crying.

_I wasn't enough for her. _

My love wasn't enough for her.

God, I loved her with all my heart. Yes, I never told her and maybe I only realized this now, but I did. And obviously that was not enough-I _couldn't save her_, I was helpless. I've never felt so helpless ever since my best friend left this earth-she was ruining herself, she was killing herself and she never told me while I was yet again too broken to realize what was going on. I should have noticed, I was supposed to know-she's too ruined and confused right now to even start realizing what she was doing-I was the one who was supposed to know and I didn't. Just like before Jack died-I had to know, I should have figured it out and I didn't. And now I was repeating the same mistake with her.

I leaned my back on the truck as I've started feeling that my legs won't hold me for much longer. I noticed that after I've thrown the bottle of pills they've come back down at my feet. I leaned down to pick them up and almost lost my balance-I was shivering, from fear. Fear for her-I was scared I was going to lose her and it was the biggest fear I've ever had. I gripped the bottle with my shaky fingers and tried to compose myself.

I had to do something about it while I still had time. While I still could.

When I finally somehow got myself together, I figured I should get back in the truck and drive to Meredith, so I could talk to her, but once I turned in the direction of her house and noticed all the lights, I felt my heart breaking more and more with every passing minute. I approached the Gilbert family home from the darker side of the street so nobody would notice me-not that there were many people out there right now. I got only a few feet into their yard, I didn't need more-I could see her in the living room, talking enthusiastically with Bonnie-they were smiling, laughing. Elena was in her PJ already-I'm sure Bonnie would be staying the night. My beautiful girl was holding a bowl of popcorns as she explained something obviously funny to her friend, who laughed.

I couldn't ruin this right now-I couldn't just go in and break her whole world for yet another time. I knew perfectly what would happen from now on and how hard it will be for her to get over this. I couldn't go to Meredith on my own, that's not fair-Elena had the right to tell things herself. I figured, I should wait till tomorrow and come back here, convince her to go to Meredith.

And after it, I would be by her side for as long as I have to.

Even if I'm not enough. Even if I can't save her.

I don't want to give up. I can give up on myself, but _never_ on her.

I love her.

* * *

**A/N: The end of the previous chapter and the end of this one are mirroring each other on purpose, just in case you haven't noticed. They both realized they love each other, now I guess it's just a matter of who'll be brave enough to say it first. Thank you all for leaving me reviews. I know there aren't many people reading this, but in case you have any questions, you can find me on twitter- Flowing_lantern. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Stefan's POV**

For the first time in the last few months, I parked my truck right in front of the Gilbert's house, instead of the corner around the street next to this bookstore. There was no point in hiding right now and aunt Jenna was actually expecting me, so when I finally stopped the engine, I didn't get out of the truck right away-I had the need to compose myself, try to gather my strength. I haven't slept in three days.

When I've found out about what Elena has done with the pills, I spent the next few hours next to the truck, observing the house from a far, making sure she's fine. Then I wandered around the streets, got a few beers and got home-my mom was about to start yelling at me, but when she saw my face, she immediately figured something was very wrong, so she let me be and kept asking me what's going on. I only told her it was Elena and that I have to be there by her side for the next few days, to which she silently agreed, kissed me on the forehead and reminded me to be safe. As if she was sending me to war or something like this-and honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is, indeed some kind of war. Whether it was with the world, the circumstances, our miserable fate or with ourselves, it was still a war, a very hard war to win.

I went by her house the next morning and talked to her calmly, showed her the bottle and she started crying. I wasn't accusing her of anything, she saw it in my eyes, that I was simply worried and helpless-she threw herself in my arms and I started soothing her. Elena kept apologizing-she started breaking down little by little in front of me and it was so damn hard to gather myself, I have no idea where I found the strength to do so, but somehow, even if I haven't got any rest, I managed to do so. I guess, I knew that I can't back down right now, not when she's so helpless.

I'm glad that Jeremy wasn't home, he has left to visit their relatives in Denver. If he was to be in the room next to Elena's, he would've heard the awful noises of a person breaking down right in front of you-and that was nothing a sixteen year old boy would ever want to hear.

Elena turned into a mess in matter of minutes and I couldn't figure out what to do, except to hold her in my arms until she just lets it all out. But she didn't, she kept crying and then she was so exhausted that I'm pretty sure she was starting to fall asleep. She kept saying she's sorry and I don't know why, but I wasn't mad at all-I was just disappointed, not in her, but in myself and the fact that I haven't managed to deal with this on time.

I was so angry at myself, so damn angry and that anger was suffocating me, but I was really trying hard to keep myself together. Elena said she can't bring herself to tell Jenna, so I left her in her bed and went downstairs. Jenna wasn't pissed off when I broke it to her-she was scared, afraid and what I saw in her eyes was the same thing I was feeling-guilt.

We were supposed to have noticed and we haven't. I don't think any of us were blaming Elena-we were blaming ourselves. She managed to gather herself together just like me, because she was well-aware of the fact, that we have more serious things to deal with. She made me go upstairs and wake Elena, who was still, not really aware of what's going on, and I drove us all to Meredith's office.

At first, we both stayed with Elena while Meredith was explaining what would happen from now on and how hard it would be for my beautiful girl with the long straight brown hair, which back then was too messy. The withdrawal period was going to be hell for her and it would take some time to get her back on her feet. Elena was already trembling and shivering as she hasn't taken any medications from the previous day and that was only the beginning.

Then, Jenna and me waited outside while Meredith was talking with Elena alone-they spent about two hours in that room, until Elena finally went out, her eyes swollen from the cry, barely walking. Jenna and Meredith talked as well since Jenna had to be prepared for what was about to happen.

I personally couldn't say that I was very confident in myself when it came to this-a long time ago Jack used to have problems with the drugs, but he managed to get over it pretty fast and yes, there were a few ugly moments, but as a whole, it wasn't at all that serious. I myself used to overdose a little bit in the beginning, but then stopped on my own-I just hated the pills, I can't say I was ever addicted to taking more, even when I couldn't sleep. I had a very vague idea of what a withdrawal could cause-I only remember being slightly delusional and extremely nervous, but with me the effect was more psychological than physical and I got over it in matter of days, while I knew that Elena would have a much harder time.

When we got her home and made her get some rest, she surprisingly agreed, but I wasn't deluding myself-I knew that things would change later on. She was consoling and calming herself down with the medications and when we started taking that from her, she would start acting like a child and she did.

I never blamed her for all those stuff she said or did back in that day-she basically destroyed her room when she woke up in the evening-it was hell and her aunt was having a really hard time understanding what was going on-she couldn't watch her little girl break down like this.

But I wasn't afraid of her-I've had some experience with Jack and his own breaking downs so I wasn't scared when she started pushing me or trying to fight me. To be honest-that's the last thing that scared me. I was all fine with her getting this out of her system-it was also a way of survival, a very ugly one, but a way nonetheless. It was very painful to watch someone you love turn into a monster and hate you with their whole human being, I'm guessing that's why her aunt was so taken aback. It really did heart, I'm not going to deny that, but my way of getting over this and just shutting it all off, was drowning in alcohol, which I did after I left their house early in the morning.

She finally calmed down around midnight, it was probably more than two hours of tossing, screaming and trying to hurt herself or me-I still had scratches from her nails on my hands, they didn't physically hurt, but only reminded me of the tears streaming down her face. I carried her downstairs to the living room couch and stayed until she passed out of exhaustion, then me and her aunt kept an eye on her.

I guess that was the night when her aunt finally stopped looking at me as a person who's wrong for her. We went to their kitchen, she made us coffee and we talked a lot. She saw that I was able to deal with Elena when she couldn't, that I wasn't scared and I just told her that I've seen too many people break down too many times in my life, but that didn't mean I wasn't hurting as well-I was. Every person breaks down in different ways and them trying to hurt you or destroy things wasn't the problem-it was _you_ seeing their world collapse. Realizing how fragile everything is makes you ask yourself whether or not you know anything in this life at all? And when you realize that you probably don't, it doesn't only leave you helpless, but hopeless as well. So, yes, of course I was also hurt to see her like this, but I had to neglect my own emotions in order to help her.

I left the house in five in the morning only to get home and try to catch up on my sleep, which of course, didn't happen. Then, I went back to her and well more or less everything repeated, except that she was starting to lose her strength and didn't pull up such a fight on me. She was getting worse, both physically and emotionally-Rose came by her house and put her to sleep, while me and her aunt remained by her side.

And today was the third day since she stopped overdosing, broke down repeatedly and kept getting worse as expected. Her aunt called me early this morning to tell me she has started getting delusional and had a fever, but kept asking about me, so I practically tossed the first shirt I saw on my back and drove off. My mom was already off for work and since I could take care of Damon she has dropped him off at uncle Zach, which he didn't really like, but there was no other way out right now. I knew he was quite angry with me, because when I got back home last night and went to see how he's doing, he just turned his back to me and didn't say a word. I was going to deal with him later, if he still wants to hear anything from me at all-I was an awful brother, I didn't deserve him at all. Maybe it was better than uncle Zach was taking care of him instead of me-I was so ruined and worried right now that I wouldn't bring him anything good.

I finally hopped off the truck, it was a chilly morning and there were clouds preventing the sun from making the day warmer, even though it was more or less, summer already. I headed to the door, trying to keep my own body from falling-my feet were barely holding me, but I was convinced that after another cup of coffee, I'll be all good-that's the only thing I drank these days. That and beer, though I was trying not to drink too much as I knew how bad it was to mix alcohol with medications and the last thing I wanted right now, was to end up in a hospital when she needed me by her side.

"Hello, Stefan" aunt Jenna opened the door. She seemed pretty tired and I guessed she hasn't slept at all last night "Come on in." she let me in and I gave her a sad, but supporting smile

"Is she awake?" I asked before she could lead me to the kitchen. I didn't want to chit chat, I wanted to get upstairs and try to help her

"She is" she nodded and as she realized I'm not going to follow her, looked up the stairs heading to Elena's room with worry "It seems like she's getting worse. I was about to call Rose, but she begged me to give her more time and wait for you." I nodded, feeling a little bit relieved.

At least she was coming back to her senses and wasn't going to push me away or try to fight me right now. I started climbing the stairs to her room and told her aunt to get some rest and then call Rose to which she agreed-I could see how she was barely holding herself up, she wasn't used to not sleeping that much while for me it was something I already ignored as I couldn't keep fighting it.

The door of her room was slightly opened and I only gently pushed her in order to get in. I was wrong when I thought she will be fine now that she's calmer-the moment I took a better look at her, I regretted even considering that might be the case. She was extremely pale, her hair was spread all over her pillow, she was holding the blanket with her trembling fingers as if her life depended on it. Breathing heavily, she tried to give me a smile, but I guess she didn't even have the strength to do so. Her aunt has put a wet towel on her forehead as she was obviously feverish and the grey shirt she was dressed in was soaked in her sweat.

"Hey there, beautiful girl" I said, my hoarse voice barely audible and she gave me a warm glance as I approached her bed and removed the blanket away, only so I could put my hands on her back and move her up a little bit, adjusting my own body, so she could lean on me

"Stefan" she whispered as well as she settled her too warm face on my chest. I took away the towel from her forehead and cleared the sweat on her face with it, before dipping it in the water left on the cupboard and putting it back on "You came."

"Of course I came." she started shivering and I pulled the blanket back over her, she stretched her hand on my chest in desperate search for mine and I hurried to find her back "Your aunt told me you've been having wet dreams about me all night and I just couldn't miss seeing you like this." she smiled and looked up at me, her eyes so watery, so sad, guilt evident in them

"Take me in your arms" she begged and for a moment I hesitated, but gently pulled my hand under her legs and moved her in my lap

"I'm cold" she whispered, while I was trying to wrap her with a second blanket. She was like a child curled up in my arms and the heaviness in my chest, the pain of watching her like this, was beginning to suffocate me yet again

"You're burning up" I said as I removed the towel away from her forehead and leaned down to give her a kiss. We remained like this in each other for some time until I felt her shaky fingers on my cheek and opened my eyes-she was beginning to look like a ghost with every minute and I started regretting not making Jenna called Rose right away

"I'm so sorry, Stefan" she whispered in a while, just as I've comfortably leaned back on the bed desk, supporting myself on a few of her pillows "For everything I-"

"Shh" I interrupted her and pulled a strand of her hair behind her ear "Don't even think about this now." she gave me a grateful look and tried to slowly raise up, so she could move away her hair from her neck as it was bothering her. I removed her hand away and picked up one of the bands on the cupboard so I could try and put her hair into a loosen ponytail

"I didn't know" she was having a hard time catching her breath and I could feel how fast the beat of her heart was right now, despite everything else that she was experiencing. Her aunt said she's been throwing up and her head was killing her, I couldn't figure how to ease her pain, it was just her body reacting to the fact that she's no longer drugging herself to sleep

"I didn't know you could make a ponytail" I smiled as I leaned down and gave her another kiss on the forehead "You'll be a great father one day." I chuckled and she gave me a confused look

"I doubt that, but thank you." she closed her eyes again, but I knew she wasn't sleeping, her breathing was very uneven and that told me she's trying hard to relax and maybe fall, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't

"You need to rest" I started again "Why don't you try and relax, I won't leave, I promise." she didn't open her eyes, but again as before she put her hand on my chest and gripped my shirt. I don't know if she was in pain or if she just needed something to hold on to, but whatever it was, it made it harder for me to keep myself together

"Stefan" she started again, ignoring my comment and I patiently waited for her to continue "You smell like beer and cigarettes" I almost chuckled, amused by the fact that she wanted to scold me, even when she was so bad. She was right though-last night I've lit a cigarette before going home.

I rarely did this-the last time I bought a pack was after Jack died-back then I smoked all night and then never touched a cigarette until last night. When I smoked, it usually meant that I'm too hopeless, but I guess now it also had to do with the fact, that I couldn't drink and drown my sorrow, so I needed another way out "And you look like crap."

"Thank you very much for the speech." I smiled and she furrowed her eyebrows, angry that I'm not even considering paying any attention to her last words "Now will you, my stubborn girlfriend, try to fall asleep?"

"Tell me some story" she whispered and finally gave me a pleading look, just as I realized how sweaty her face was again and stretched to get the wet towel and brush it gently away

"I want to stop thinking about all those stuff that are on my mind" I really couldn't figure out what to tell her, I was usually relatively good with words and fairy tales, but that was when I had to come up with something for Damon, not when it came to distracting the girl, I was so desperately in love with, in my arms. She noticed that I took too long, maybe I was trying to figure out what to come up with or I was praying that she falls, before I have to actually start talking, whichever it was, it didn't help me prepare for the confused look she gave me. She was like a child- desperately waiting for someone to calm her down, assure her it will all be fine "What's up, you're suddenly lacking words?" she commented barely audible, trying to tease me as she tightened her grip even more, while I shook my head and cleared my throat, trying to figure out where to start from. I thought it's better not to think too much of what I'm about to say, but to rather just let all my thoughts spill and try to form everything into relatively decent sentences.

"Once upon a time" I started and she immediately smiled as she relaxed her head back on my chest. She was still trembling, even though I was trying to keep her as warm as I could "there was a beautiful girl living in not such a big kingdom. She wasn't a princess and neither she nor her family were of royal decent. But she had a gift" I felt her relaxing more and more in my embrace, though her heart was still racing in her chest and that was scaring me "She always managed to find the good in people and bring it out in the open, even when the others thought it was impossible." I stopped for a moment, trying to compose myself, figuring out how to continue and when she looked back up at me expectantly, I tried to hide my tears from her, so I stared at the ceiling

"She was kind and honest, most importantly she never gave up, not even when she lost the thing she valued most-her family."

"Jeez, you really know how to make a girl fall for you, Stefan" Elena whispered and I smiled while she restlessly moved in my hands and I started rocking her slightly back and forth like a little kid. I couldn't find the words to continue, I didn't know how to do so, what to come up with? I wanted to give her a happy ending and yet I was lacking more and more strength myself, while battling the feelings inside me. I kept gently stroking her hair and leaving small kisses on her warm forehead until I started realizing that she's slowly dozing off, though her hand was still gripping my shirt

"One day she met a very ruined boy" I continued whispering, so she would completely let herself fall, though I'm not sure if I was doing it for her or for myself "Who was so hurt that he has become mean to the people in his life and refused to believe there's anything good out there at all." I stopped talking and just looked down at her.

Her eyes were closed and her hand has slipped from my chest back down to her stomach-she looked so ruined, so broken as if she's barely holding on to this world. Her emotions have sucked the joy from her and with her stopping the usual drug dosage, her body was responding in the worst way possible-by weakening her even more, making her like a child, unable to do anything on her own.

I suddenly felt so angry, so damn mad-I hated _everything_, I hated this world, those stupid medications, those damn doctors, those awful turn of the circumstances, leaving her so barely alive in my hands.

I felt my tears finally finding their way down my cheeks-was it the anger that pushed me to let go or was it the fact that I felt so helpless

"You came into my life when I needed you most" I continued talking, though I was sure she couldn't hear me anymore, she was fast asleep, breathing heavily and slowly in my embrace

"When I've convinced myself that there's no point in going on, that there's nothing keeping me on this earth anymore." I smiled as I placed another kiss on her pale cheek "You burst through that damn support group door and charmed the hell out of me, Elena." one of my tears fell on her face and I hurried to brush it away with my thumb "No matter how hard I'm fighting it, I just can't ignore it anymore" I smiled and gently fixed the blanket as I felt her trembling slightly again

"I love you, Elena." I whispered and went down to gently brush my lips on hers again. She was still so lifeless, so unaware of anything around her. After I said the words out loud, something inside me make me feel a little bit better, the weight in my chest became slightly lighter and I remained that close to her, inhaling her scent and listening to her heartbeat-our foreheads still touching each other-she was still burning up and I was sure the temperature was higher than before.

I pulled up and watched her worriedly as I brushed my tears with my free hand and made the realization how beautiful she still was, even in this condition. If only she was healthy, if only she was stable and happy! How much I wished that could happen already.

Just as I was starting to wonder how to call out her aunt, I heard her steps up the stairs and let a relived sigh out-we had to do something about her. I'm not sure it was normal for her heartbeat to be so fast, it was scaring me.

"Hey" she pushed the door and gave us both a smile until she realized how worried I was and how her niece looked more like a ghost than before "I just called Rose" she started and I thanked God that she has already done that "She can't come, though so she said we should drive her to the hospital. It would be better this way anyway."

"Okay" I said and started moving up, hoping not to wake Elena up, but once I finally stood up, she startled and she opened up her eyes. Jenna was giving me a helpless look, she was realizing that there wasn't anyone else who could help her right now, not with Jeremy gone and even if he was here, I'm not sure he would've been able to deal with all this so I just slightly nodded and tried to smile. She had to know that I won't just leave like this-I'll be by her side no matter how long it takes. Elena stirred and looked away to her aunt, who came by our side and tried to reassure her that everything is going to be fine.

"What's going on?" she asked a little scared as Jenna started helping me wrap her up better with the blanket "Where are we going?"

"It's going to be fine" I promised her, as I started walking down the stairs, her aunt following me shortly by. Elena was still very delusional and she soon closed her eyes and didn't open them until her aunt help me get in her car. I tried to move as gently as possible, without causing her any kind of pain, but I guess I must've moved too abruptly while sitting in the back of the car, because she searched for my hand yet again and when she couldn't find it, because I was holding her very tightly, she just let it helplessly hang from the car seat. She looked up at me expectantly, she still couldn't figure out where we were taking her, but she was desperate to know "We're taking you to Rose." I explained and noticed Jenna throwing me worried glances in the mirror, but I hurried to look back at the girl in my hands

"I'm scared" she whispered and I hurried to shake my head, trying to reassure her it'll be fine

"There's nothing to worry about, I'm here, I won't go anywhere until you get better." she smiled and I brought her hand to my lips "And when you do, we'll go to that rooftop exactly how I promised you" she continued looking me right in the eyes, I felt like she has the need to say something "And we'll watch the sunset together." she suddenly started shaking her head just like me less than a minute ago and I waited for her to gather her strength, so she could speak up.

"You don't understand, Stefan." she whispered and I smiled at the way she called me out "I'm scared for you, not for myself. I don't want something bad to happen to you. I need to know there's someone for you out there while I'm such a crappy girlfriend."

"Stop talking like this" I cut her off immediately and just when she was about to continue arguing, even though she was barely keeping herself awake, I leaned down and silent her with a kiss. A kiss that almost left her breathless. She was so weak that she barely responded, but she tried her best and I felt her shaky hands cupping my cheeks again, just before her aunt pulled up in front of the hospital. I don't know whether or not she saw us or even if she listened to us as she herself was pretty worried and was paying attention to the road, but I realized that I don't care if she did-I love Elena and I'm okay with the whole world knowing that. I'm not going to hide it-our future was too uncertain for me to even consider doing so.

Elena smiled and closed her eyes-she didn't open them when her aunt helped me get the back door and lead the way to the hospital. She was so light in my hands, even lighter than the last time when I had to carry her after she has broken down-she has lost more weight.

The minute Rose saw us, she scolded me silently with an angry look-she kept repeating I shouldn't lift heavy stuff no matter what, but I wasn't bothered at all-I couldn't feel any pain right now, I was too worried about Elena to even start considering myself and my emotions. She took a look glance at Elena while she was still in my hands and I felt her getting more pissed off than she already was-Rose always got angry when something was wrong, but I was sure she would manage to help Elena. She lead us to a room at the end of the hallway and I gently lay my beautiful girl down. She grabbed my wrist in the last minute, just as I was about to leave and I saw the fear in her eyes, but I hurried to assure her with a small kiss that everything will be fine until Rose kicked me off the room.

I went out to find her aunt impatiently walking up and down the hallway. She gave me a weak smile as I leaned on the wall opposite of Elena's room. I was so damn tired, I could fall asleep any minute now, or at least I had this feeling-the problem was that I knew that once I lie down, I won't be able to get rid of all my thoughts and I'll just restlessly turn in my bed.

Rose took too long inside and I started worrying. In the meantime her aunt went to get us coffee just as I've sat down on the floor and was staring hopefully at the door, waiting for it to open.

"You look pretty tired" her aunt commented "You should go home."

"No, I want to make sure she's fine." I said stubbornly as I tried to concentrate on taking a sip from the coffee, which was something I wasn't supposed to do -I had to sleep, I just couldn't do it now, not with my beautiful girl still in there. I'm sure that Rose will give her some stuff in order to calm her down and get rid of the fever, but I was still worried. I knew we won't be able to just fix her in a few days-she would need time.

"You really like her don't you?" aunt Jenna asked as she sat on the free place opposite of me. People were passing by us in this hallway-patients were walking slowly or were moved away to some other floor, doctors were talking to nurses, explaining something eagerly and here we were at the end of this mess-me and her aunt, waiting patiently for Rose to come outside, to tell us that everything's fine with her.

"I'm in love with her" I said without even considering the fact that this woman didn't use to like me three days ago and that maybe she's good to me now just because the circumstances are very different and we're both worried for the same person. I started mentally cursing myself when I saw her smiling. She was smiling? At me? "I'm sorry, I know that-" I started again when in fact there was nothing, I should apologize for.

"It's fine Stefan" she continued smiling, though she looked extremely tired as well "I'm not stupid. She kept repeating your name all night while she was burning up from the fever. She wouldn't do so if she wasn't in love." I smiled appreciatively and nervously looked around, I didn't really know what to say, but I was glad that Jenna was okay with us being together, at least for now. Just as I was about to try and figure something to say, the door opened and Rose got outside with one of the nurses.

I stood up too fast and I lost my balance to the point where I would've fallen on the ground if Rose hasn't been fast enough to catch me. She furrowed her eyebrows, as she released me and was about to start scolding me when Jenna asked how Elena was doing.

"She's fine." Rose reassured and we both sighed relieved "It's normal for her body to react like this when she stops taking the medications so rapidly, you know? And with the fact that she tried to kill herself a few months back and that she went through an accident shortly before that is not helping. She'll need some time, but it'll be fine." I ran my fingers nervously through my hair, grateful that there were good news for once "I'll keep her for the night, but you can bring her back home tomorrow."

"Thanks so much" Jenna said and just as I was about to respond as well, I felt myself slightly losing my balance again, so I leaned back on the wall before I've fallen down-it was just so dark before my eyes, so I shook my head, trying to get rid of it only so I could hear both Jenna and Rose worriedly speaking up

"I'm fine, I'm fine" I tried to calm them all down. Damn, I should've really tried harder to fall last night.

"Yeah, right" Rose said as she caught my chin and looked me in the eyes "Come on, there's another bed inside, you need to lie down."

"I'm fine, I don't want to lie down" I continued stubbornly denying their help

"Stefan, you should really listen to her" Jenna's voice was worried as well, she almost sounded like my mother.

"He should, but he's a stubborn kid, who does all the things he's not supposed to" Rose commented angrily as she caught my wrist and tried to pull me to the door, but I was desperately preventing her from doing so, even if I was so tired "Who knows how many days he hasn't slept. Come on" she turned to me again "I won't keep you here, you'll just sleep for a few hours and you'll go back home."

"I'm okay" I tried convincing them again, but now that there wasn't anything I could lean on, the only thing supporting me was the tight grip Rose was giving me

"Stefan, it's bad enough that Elena's struggling right now, I think you should really just listen to Rose" Jenna started trying to reason with me again. I knew, that if Elena was sane right now, she would've kicked my butt to that bed probably an hour ago, because that was Elena and she always knew what I needed. When Rose urged me to get in again, I agreed, because I knew, I would get to be with her-once I stepped in, I saw her sleeping on one of the two beds, resting peacefully. They've put one of those hospital gowns on and there was no longer sweat coming down her face, though she was still a bit pale. Rose practically pushed me down on the bed next to Elena's-we were just a few feet apart, I could hear her breathing and I finally let myself relax a bit. I watched Rose fill an injection from a table opposite of us and I swallowed hard, wished that Elena could be awake to hold my hand and distract me.

"You said you won't-" I started protesting, but Rose interrupted me

"It's just to help you fall asleep faster." she said in a kinder manner as she was trying to convince me it was for the best "You and me both know, you'll have troubles falling, even when you're so tired." she pulled up my sleeve and cleared up a spot on my arm before sticking up the needle. I was surprised when she spoke up again, I wasn't expecting her to do so.

"Meredith wants to talk to you about something later."

"About what?" I asked curiously as I felt the medication starting to kick in. I was trying to pull up a fight, though like back then when we were at my house, but it was hard when I wasn't looking at Elena. Rose pulled up a blanket over me, even though I wasn't really cold and shook her head, denying me the answer to my question. I would usually ignore whatever it was Meredith was going to say, but I knew there was something different this time, judging by Rose's voice, it was important

"You'll see" she cut me off "Now go to sleep" she ordered "And please don't pull the stunts from last time, cause I'll kick your skinny ass." I watched her give me one last warning look as she left the room and I turned towards Elena, only so I would smile to myself-she was hooked up to a machine showing her vitals and I made the realization that her heart is no longer beating so fast, but rather normally like mine. I stretched my hand in a desperate attempt to find hers, but our beds were too far from each other and I was feeling the medication trying to finally kick in and leave me helpless, but I shook my head stubbornly and rose up slowly-I needed to be next to her, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if she wasn't. While barely supporting myself on my shaky legs I stood up and pulled slowly the bed towards hers. Once I succeeded, I lay down , turn towards her and found her hand, which was now too cold, and tightened my grip-she didn't even move, I'm guessing they seduced her pretty hard.

"I love you" I said again as I closed my eyes and finally let myself fall. I didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, even though I wish, I could keep watching her so peacefully resting right beside me.

* * *

**A/N: Just wanted to tell you that there isn't much left for this story. Probably something like four-five chapters at best, I figured I should get towards the end as there aren't many people reading it anyway. I'm very sleepless lately, so I managed to find more time to write ergo this update. I haven't forgotten about the short story, you'll see what happens with that in the next chapter. Also, what Meredith is about to tell Stefan, holds the solution to his problems. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Stefan's POV**

I was heading towards Meredith's office, so I could finally figure out what it was she wanted to discuss. After I fell asleep next to Elena yesterday, I woke up late in the evening and although she was conscious for a few hours, they put her back to sleep just as I've decided that I had enough rest. I couldn't talk to her and I missed her very much, but I gave her a kiss goodbye and got back home before Rose could call my mom and make her worry about all this. Not that she didn't do so when I finally got home-she saw how tired I still was and how sleepy I appeared to be, but she didn't scold me much, she was worried, about me and Elena, she wanted to know we were all fine when in reality I wasn't sure it would ever be possible.

I went to Damon's room and tried talking to him, but he appeared to still be mad with me and mom said I should give him some time-she was pretty tired herself and she wasn't working tomorrow morning, so she wanted to get some good night sleep and take my brother outside once she gets enough rest. She gave me a kiss goodnight and left me watching TV on the couch. I was too tired to do anything and my back hurt for some unknown reason, so I stood up, got a beer and went outside on the balcony, thinking about Elena and everything that's been going on. Before mom went to bed she told me Meredith called and asked when I could come. I couldn't figure out why she was in such a rush to talk to me. Whatever it was she needed to say, obviously was important, but I couldn't figure out what it could be about. The more I thought, the more I believed it was about Elena and how could we help her, but that didn't explain much the fact why she didn't just go to the hospital and talk to her. There was something going on and for some unknown reason I was nervous-I never got nervous, it was all new to me. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I've opened myself and my heart to Elena and I was starting to get all vulnerable, which I hated-I liked to be in control of things.

I was afraid to let myself feel happy with her, I was scared that something would screw up and for a moment, before she broke down and we figured what she's doing, I was actually convinced that this time I would get to be happy without fear, but that also collapsed to the ground as every other hope I've had in the past two years.

Once I finally made it to Meredith's office, I knocked on the door and heard her tired voice responding that I could get it. Once I finally did, I found her behind her desk, going through some files, reading and writing stuff, she didn't look up right away and I was used to this, so I just approached her and sat down on the chair opposite of her. I wasn't very patient though and I kept nervously moving until she finally sighed and closed the folder before her.

"Sorry about that, I had to finish a report about a patient." she apologized with a weak tired smile, but I didn't respond with the same. I never smiled to her, I never told her that I'm grateful she helped Elena, I never recognized anything she's ever done for me.

Me and her-we were like old friends, who have a silent feud, but we couldn't avoid seeing each other, simply because there was no other way-I needed treatment and she received money for it.

At the beginning, when I started coming here, I was really indifferent to her, I never believed she could actually do something for me, even though everyone claimed she was the best psychiatrist in this town. I simply didn't trust her, I still don't and I would never admit that she might've actually helped me, no matter how much my mom insists on me doing so-she kept saying that Meredith was the one to help me overcome my PTSD, she was the one who prevented me from hurting myself all those times when I broke down and she had to come to our house, she was what kept me afloat, but my mom was wrong-what kept me afloat was my brother and her and before I met Elena, it was also Jack.

I'm guessing that he is one of the reasons why I could never trust Meredith again-Jack dying was both our faults. And I kept blaming myself every goddamn day for the fact that I wasn't there for him when he most needed it, but she was supposed to figure all this out, she was the one who should've known that this boy was barely holding onto life and she didn't. She missed it. And he was the only patient she ever let down, he was her greatest failure-from then on, she kept trying hard with each and everyone from the group, including me, though I was pulling up a fight, until Elena came along. Meredith managed to get the better half of the support group out of their messes and most of them were cleared and good to go, which is why there were barely any members now in the summer except from me, Elena and four other kids, who, I'm guessing were on their recovery road as well.

"So what's this all about?" I asked right away. I didn't want to talk to her about random stuff, I wanted to get done with this and go see Elena-they must've discharged her already and she was surely back home. "Why were you so desperate to see me, doc?"

She sighed and leaned back on her chair, while taking a minute to figure out how she should start. She seemed tired, more exhausted than my beautiful girl even, but I didn't have it in me to feel sorry for her-I was too hurt when it came to Meredith, I couldn't just overcome my pride and forgive her, let alone feel sorry for her.

"You know how I went to this psychiatrist convention last week to receive a prize right?" she began and I furrowed my eyebrows. How was her winning something relevant to me? "Since I've managed to help the better half of this group last spring, they've finally noticed my work." I was about to chuckle, but somehow managed to get myself together.

They saw only the good things she's done, what about my friend buried three feet under this goddamn ground? She noticed my judging stare and my unwillingness to actually comment on her success, so she figured she should just continue

"I got to meet with some really good professionals in this field and discuss some of my..hard cases." she looked back at me. I'm guessing I fell in this category, if not in the one known to these bunch of lunatics as "hopeless". You could say I was very skeptical when it came to psychiatrists and them treating screwed up kids like me and Elena, but I continued listening nonetheless, trying to remember all the times my beautiful girl has begged me to cut the sarcasm off and be more patient. I smiled to myself, thinking how even when she wasn't by my side, I still wanted to act in a way which wouldn't disappoint her

"That would mean me, I'm guessing." I finally decided to include myself in this discussion, as I was desperate to prolong whatever it was she was about to tell me. Somehow I had the feeling that it won't be that good.

"And Elena" she stated and I furrowed my eyebrows , remembering the ruined girl I held in my arms yesterday, fighting for a better life, trying to hold on, even though it took all her strength and it left her more ruined that she already was. "Here comes the tricky part, though" Meredith continued after a minute or so, she was obviously very deep in her thoughts, wondering how to pick up the right words to finally tell me what she had to

"Just spill it out, doc. I can handle it." I assured her with a slight nod. I wasn't avoiding her look anymore and I wasn't trying to be sarcastic-I had the feeling that she had something bigger on her mind, something that could maybe finally help us and end this awful fight with ourselves that me and Elena has been struggling with

"They offered me to send a patient who's having a hard time recovering to a clinic in Atlanta. The psychiatrist working with whomever I pick up is the best one in the state, they could really help and make a difference. And the best part is that they're covering all the expenses-call it an extra prize for my efforts this year."

"Okay, that's great, I still don't see what's the problem here and why are you even telling me this?" I said honestly, without even thinking that I might be a little bit too straightforward. If she wanted to send someone-then great, I'm all happy for them.

"I asked you to come here, because I'm trying to pick up between you and Elena" she finally let out and I realized that I knew where this was going all along and for once, I was actually grateful that I've had the chance to meet Meredith Fell in my life. She didn't just call me to brag or share something-she was trying to make a decision about this, she was in a struggle, she couldn't figure out who to send and with Elena getting so worse this past few days, she convinced herself that maybe she won't be that helpful when it came to solving her problems.

"You'll send her" I stated, trying to cover the sadness in my voice and the tears in my eyes. Meredith looked up and we stared at each other for quite some time

"Stefan, you really need-" she tried, though I think we both realized that I would never agree.

"No" I shook my head "You and I both know that I won't get better if I go there. Let's be realistic about this, doc." I shrugged my shoulders and noticed her gripping the side of her chair-her hands were slightly trembling. "You've been trying to help me for..what it is? Two years now. We both know things don't look very optimistic."

"You can be helped, Stefan, you've just been resisting for too long." she made another attempt to convince me that I shouldn't give up and I smiled sadly. We both knew, that I might be better now, but things will get worse eventually and I had no intentions of bringing Elena down this road of sadness and despair, not when she could find a way out and get healthy.

"I love her, doc" I admitted and Meredith smiled as well "I would give my life for her if it would mean she gets over this and goes on, even if it means that I lose her in the process. That's what I've always wanted for her, it's the only wish I ever had" she coughed, trying to prevent her own tears from falling "And now you can fulfill this wish and help her."

"She won't agree without pulling up a fight first, you know?" Meredith stated seriously as she leaned back on her desk and nervously removed a few of the files "She's smart. She'll want to know why you're not the one leaving."

"Then you'll figure something else to tell her." I said without any hesitation in my hoarse voice "I really don't care what you come up with, just tell her that she's going and there's no other way." Meredith nodded and I suddenly stood up, having the need inside me to just do anything, but sit down in this damn old chair and stare at her watery eyes.

Honestly, I was joyful, I was for once calm, relaxed-I finally got to receive what I always wanted. I got to help her, even if it meant letting her go and I couldn't have been more happier. I was sure that once she gets to be treated by real professionals, she would get better, there was no doubt about this. Meredith was good, but she wasn't that good and even though Elena had her parent's money, she couldn't just give them away like this in order to receive a better treatment-after all she had to go to college and so did Jeremy. She had to think of her and her brother's future. And now she could have both-she could get better and the thought of never seeing her so ruined again, was warming my heart. It didn't matter what I'll have to do, how much time we would be apart-I would love her for as long as I'm on this earth. It might be stupid, I know, after all she never told me how she felt about me, but I honestly didn't need this right now. What I needed was reassurance-that I would never see her so broken again. That she would never ruin her room or try to hurt me while I'm holding her still, preventing her from doing something to herself. I needed to know that she would never again think of taking her own life away. And if they could help her get to this place where she would actually want to go on with her life, I didn't care what I had to sacrifice to get it.

"How much time will she be away?" I spoke up, once I remembered, that I never really asked Meredith

"Probably till the end of the summer." she looked worriedly at me pacing nervously before her. She probably thought I was nervous and yes, I was a little bit, but mostly I was grateful and impatient to actually see her healthy one day, because I was certain she would get there. I just hoped I would be here to see it, because I knew how uncertain the future could be. "She'll have to leave in about three weeks" she answered my next question and I smiled.

I had three weeks with me beautiful girl and then I'll have to let her go. I nodded and stopped pacing around-I wasn't nervous anymore. I had the answers to all my questions and now I could leave and go to her house, so I could start spending whatever time we were left with, together.

"Thank you" I said sincerely and she nodded understandingly. We remained in silence for a minute or so, both thinking about our own problems and the stuff we had to face from now on. I turned around and headed to the door, but just before I was about to leave she called me out

"I know that you've given up on yourself, but I haven't." she stated seriously as she stood up and fixed her shirt, then leaned on the desk and stared at me intensely, as if she was giving me a promise, I never asked for "I'll find a way to help you, not only because of Elena, but also because of Jack." she sighed and I looked away uncomfortably.

Mentioning my best friend's name was making it hard for me to breath-it brought too much sad memories

"I owe him at least this." she continued and I managed to find the strength and look her in the eyes, my hand was slightly trembling on the door knob and I gripped it even harder than before. I wish I could be out of here already-I sighed, put up my sarcastic smile on and cleared my throat

"Jeez, doc, why do you always make everything so dramatic?" I commented and she smiled, because she knew perfectly well what I was doing-I was happy and sad at the same time since I got what I wanted, but it meant I'll have to let her go and yet with that comment I was trying to assure her that I'll be fine and I'll manage to deal with everything somehow, again, because of Elena, not because of me-I had to hold on to at least until she leaves, after that I didn't really care what would happen with me. She shook her head and nodded to the door-she was letting me be and once I found myself outside, I ran my hands through my messy hair and chuckled as I looked up at the sky outside.

Once again I thought, that if Jack could see how hopelessly in love I was right now, he would've had so much fun bugging me about it.

**Elena's POV**

I was lying in my bed when I heard someone ring downstairs and aunt Jenna open the front door. I was still very weak and tired, but at least I wasn't that hopeless anymore thanks to Rose and Stefan, who never left my side those past awful days and who was surely the one on our doorstep right now.

Last night when I woke up in the hospital, I found him gripping my hand, breathing heavily and slowly on the bed next to me. I've smiled, happy that he didn't leave me even here-I knew how much he hated Rose and everything doctor related, because I did as well, and hospitals always scared me. I was glad that he found a way to be with me even now, though later when I took a better look at him, I figured that his face appeared to be extremely exhausted and I started wondering whether or not Rose has put him in here, because he wasn't okay.

Only now did I started realizing that he probably never got the chance to rest these days while being so close next to me and I loved him for what he did, but I also got worried. I've noticed this past week, before I broke down, that he was better than before, but he was still a bit pale, even though he was trying to hide every little thing that was going on with him, from me-he said once, he would always protect me, no matter what, but I'm guessing he never considered the fact that this ruined himself in the process and I never wished this for him. I kept looking at him and I brought his hand to my lips, so I could give him a gentle kiss-a gesture, which he always did whenever he was too far from me. I would've kissed him, but I felt too weak to even raise myself up and get to his bed, plus I didn't want to wake him up-he finally seemed peacefully asleep.

I smiled at the thought of him holding me back at our house and remembered his words-he thought I was sleeping, but I've heard him, even though I was on the verge of falling-_he has said he loved me_. And though I was feeling the same thing for him, something inside me prevented me from saying it out loud. I don't know why-I wasn't afraid, I knew he would never hurt me, he has proven it to me that he would be there by my side no matter what and yet I couldn't bring myself to saying the words out loud. I felt even more weak that I already was as a small tear left my eye and rolled down my cheek-I was a coward. I had the greatest guy by my side, a very ruined and barely holding onto this reality person, who despite all this, was here and I could tell him that I loved him.

However, now I had a bigger problem. I've been staring at my phone for the last ten minutes or so, ever since I hung up with the editor of _Charleston Daily newspaper_, who called to tell me that Stefan's story won first place and they would love to get in touch with him and talk through the details of him receiving his prize and publishing his piece in the newspaper.

I was happy, honestly, it was what I wanted all along, but I was afraid to actually talk to him about it-I had no idea how he would react and I was starting to think that maybe..it was mistake doing this without talking to him about it first. I didn't regret my choices and the fact that I've send it-all I wanted was to show him that he should believe in himself more-the editor kept telling me that it was the best story they've received in years and they couldn't wait to meet up with the author. All the stuff he said made me feel so proud-my beautiful sandy-haired boy won his first writing prize-now he would get to see how good he really was and how he should appreciate his work way more than he's doing right now.

The knock on my door helped me snap out of this state and once I saw his beautiful smile and he messy hair, I tried to raise up though it took quite a lot of effort and in a minute he was by my side, with a furrowed expression on his face, trying to help me get up, hovering nervously around me.

"Elena, you shouldn't tire yourself" he scolded as I tossed my arm over his neck and we made a few steps before stopping, as I had a hard time catching my breath.

I stopped not because I was tired, I wanted to kiss him, I've been meaning to do so since last night and I finally got the chance to do so and surely I wasn't missing it, not when I had in mind that I had no idea how he would react to what I was about to tell him. He once again took my breath away and because I was too tired and weak, he picked me up in his embrace and pinned me to the wall-I was hoping aunt Jenna was too distracted downstairs and wasn't listening to whatever was happening in my room. I have no idea how much time we spent in each other's arms-with Stefan I easily lost myself. Even though he was holding me tightly in his arms, I felt that he was tired and that there was something going on his mind, but what surprised me was the passion he was kissing me with-not that his previous kisses weren't like this, but now it was as if he was trying to spent every possible minute close to me as if he was afraid there was no time, when I knew that I would never leave his side, just like he would never leave mine. There was lust in each and every touch, his hand was going up and down my back and at some point I'm sure he just wanted to get rid of my shirt and continue kissing me and paying all his attention to me, but for some unknown reason, he stopped and when he did, I saw regret in his eyes-he probably thought I was still very weak and now wasn't the time to get like this. He had no idea how much life his kisses gave me, every time he touched me, I felt like flying, let alone the butterflies tickling me inside-Stefan Salvatore owned my damn wrecked heart and I couldn't wish for anything else in this world.

Once he let me go, we remained close to each other, our foreheads gently touching.

"Thank you for being there for me last night" I said while he was gently rubbing my cheek with his thumb and I was playing with the back of his ruffled hair. He shook his head, trying to assure me it was all fine and then pulled back.

"You should lie down" he commented and nodded towards the bed, he saw it was still hard for me to stay up this long, but I didn't want to remain here, I was too sick of this goddamn room and wanted to get out of here.

"No" I opposed and prevented him from getting me in his arms and laying me down my bed "Let's go in the backyard, I need some fresh air." he looked at me with uncertainty, it seemed like he was wondering if it was a good idea or not, but I gave him my puppy look and he sighed "Please, Stefan."

"I wish I could say no to you, but I just can't" I chuckled as he opened the door and we started slowly getting down the stairs. They were a torture for me though, so after we took a few steps and he saw that I might lose my balance, he took me in his arms and didn't let me down until we approached the kitchen where aunt Jenna was cooking something. She gave us a wide smile and shook her head at the sight of Stefan carrying me in his arms.

"You're really spoiling her, Stefan" she commented as he finally dropped me down and with his help we headed outside under my aunt's approving look. She insisted on making us tea and once we finally settled down on the white bench outside, after many difficulties from my side, she brought two warm cups and gave me a motherly kiss on the forehead while also granting Stefan a warm smile. I was so glad that she finally understood what kind of selfless person he was and how much he meant to me-she knew I was in love with him and she wasn't against it anymore, not after what he did for me last week. I don't think anyone from my family could deal with me in this condition-Stefan not only did so, but he managed to find strength inside him and continue coming to this full-of-sadness house and make sure I was fine.

"What's on your mind?" he asked after he took a sip from his cup and gently caressed my back. I was lying on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat "Something's torturing you."

"I need to tell you something" I started and pulled away from him. I had to look him in the eyes, no matter what his reaction was. He nodded with a smile and found my hand only to tighten his grip-he could feel I was nervous and I'm guessing he has started worrying there's something wrong as well.

He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the forehead in order to calm me down

"Why are you so worried?" he asked in disbelief "You know you can tell me everything." I looked away from his green ocean of sadness and took a deep breath as I tried to gather the last strength I had inside and bring myself to actually speaking up.

"You remember that day when you broke down and I came by your flat?" I figured I should start with a question instead of simply delivering the news to him all of a sudden. He nodded and gave me another confused smile-he couldn't figure out where I was going with this "After Rose put you down, I remained by your side, because I was worried and felt the need to be with you" he squeezed my hand gratefully once again "However, while I was there I..found something..under your bed." I finally looked back up at him and saw him slowly realizing where I was going with this. He pulled away and my hand fell helplessly on the cold bench.

"I had stuff written on lists and tossed there" he said, his voice strangely cold

"Yes" I confirmed as if I felt the need to give him some kind of reassurance, when in reality I could feel that he knew where I was going with this and he was strangely silent "I found one of them and I brought it home with me, only so I could read it in the evening before going to bed."

"Look, Elena" he interrupted me, his voice a little bit calmer now. I'm guessing he figured that I just read it and even though he wasn't happy with it, he would still manage to find the strength inside him and get over it.

"No, wait" I prevented him from continuing, I had to tell him everything now or I would never bring myself to saying the words out loud. At least now I had found the courage to spill it all out and even if he hated me for it, he had to know. "Let me finish." he nodded, though he didn't take my hand again, I figured he's too stunned to do so right now

"Once I read it, I figured it was simply too good to remain unnoticed" I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes as he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion "I remembered there was this literature competition our English teacher told us about and because I wanted you to know how great your writing is, I figured I should send it so I..spent the night typing it on a word document and ended up sending it to the editor early in the morning."

"You-" he spoke up confused and stood up abruptly "You send it?" his voice was too quite, which is when I knew he's getting angry, I still wasn't afraid though, I knew he would be mad, that didn't mean I was prepared for it, but at least I expected it. This was Stefan we're talking about-he hated someone reading his stuff, let alone sending it to unknown people for a competition.

"Yes" I nodded, my voice a bit shaky now "That's not all of it" he arched his eyebrow as he leaned on the porch fence and gripped the rail so hard that his knuckles got white "They called me this morning to tell me you've won first place and they want to talk to you."

For a moment we both stood there in silence, I couldn't figure out what was going on his mind, but judging by his posture he was mad and he was barely holding his anger inside me. My guess is-he was doing so, only because he knew I was still too ruined and wrecked right now and he couldn't just start yelling at me, not when he had in mind that my aunt would hear us from inside. I waited for him to speak up and kept looking at him, while he pierced his eyes at his feet and closed them. I was afraid to do anything-I've obviously done the wrong thing, even though I was sure at the time that I was doing something good.

"Stefan, please say something" I finally let out and he looked up, his eyes were so cold, I've never seen him like this, there was not even a slightest trail of this warm grass green-now it was somehow darker, misty and secretive-as if he was trying very hard to hide his anger.

"Which story?" he let out through teeth and I bowed my head down before answering

"The one about Livingston and Summersend." I spoke up barely audible

"Jesus Christ, Elena" he let out hopelessly and I watched him bury his hands in his messy hair and lean back on the fence "Why on earth would you even do this?"

"I wanted you to know how good you are" I spoke up bravely now and stood up only to get by his side and catch his hands in mine "I wanted you to start believing in yourself." he was still avoiding my look "You're so damn good, Stefan, you have no idea what you-"

"No!" he interrupted me and pushed himself away "That's enough, Elena, I should go. Just give me their number so I could talk them out of this." he stretched his hand towards mine and I handed him my phone, so he could copy the number to his own.

"You shouldn't. You deserve this" I kept insisting, but he shook his head and put the phone back in my jeans pocked, still so gently, but I knew he was extremely mad and I was perfectly aware of why he wasn't yelling at me right now-he was still the selfless person he always was and even when he was mad, he would still protect me, because he knew I was sick now and he didn't have the heart to hurt me, so instead he would silently get over this on his own-as usually.

I grabbed his hand, just before he would leave me

"Stefan, stop it. I know what you're doing and I don't need you to protect me, not now" he didn't look me in the eyes so I picked his chin and moved it up so I would make him see me "Say something, please! Yell, scream, toss, whatever, just say something" I begged him and he roughly pushed himself away from me

"Do you even read who this story was for?" he asked, now slightly raising his voice, but not too much so my aunt wouldn't hear us. I'm sure she was back in the living room anyway, so I wasn't scared to speak up

"It was for Jack!" he tossed his hands in the air "It was my way of saying goodbye to him, because I never got the chance to do so, Elena."

"I'm so-" I started apologizing and he shook his head

"Don't pull that bullshit on me, you know better, Elena!" he finally raised his hoarse voice and I saw the tears in his eyes. That's when I knew I've messed up, big time

"This is a story about me and my best friend-it's personal, it's our last moments goodbye, it's a better way of describing all the horrible things that happened to us!" he continued his voice slightly shaking "It's me turning the reality upside down so I would pretend that maybe there was something good in this life after all. It's my only way of saying thank you to the person who's been there for me when I've broken down and drowned in my own tears and memories of my father hanging from the damn ceiling. It was my way of expressing how grateful I am to had known him. It was my way of honoring him and you took this and send it out in the real world for everyone to read, Elena! You have no idea what you've even done."

"Stefan I-" I could already feel the tears coming down my face, but I didn't really care. I only paid attention to him and the way he was trying to gather himself together.

"No, I don't want to listen to this, I don't need apologizes or words that you think would calm me down and make me understand. I don't want to argue with you, Elena" he said sincerely, his voice way calmer now

"I know you're pissed off" I started before he could get another chance to leave, I could see how desperate he was to finally do so. He has come here to spent time with me, to be with his girlfriend and help her get through another day and instead I've ruined him "But I don't regret what I did. I still think you deserve this prize-I cried after I read it and I wanted other people to read it and feel all those stuff that I did too. I wanted to make your work known, because you are damn talented, but you'll never do anything about it since you're too good of a person to even admit that you can actually do something decently." he looked up at me surprised by my words and the fact that I wasn't sorry and that was the whole truth-I really wasn't.

I was cursing myself for not asking him or at least telling him earlier, but I wasn't sorry that I've send it. I still stood by my actions, I wasn't some sad pathetic girl that would start crying in his feet and beg him to forgive me, because I wasn't wrong-I did what I had to do, so he would finally get something good in his life, so he would understand that he should believe in himself more

"I believe in you and I'm not ashamed of this. I never will be, nor will I apologize for it."

"I don't want you to" he said after a minute or so of us staring at each other. He shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of some of his anger and I've noticed he was no longer that tensed, but I was still afraid to approach him, not because he would hurt me or something like this-I had the damn feeling that if I touch him, he would break down and that's what I feared most-I didn't want to be the cause of him feeling bad. It was enough that I wasn't my usual self right now-if he gets all sad and desperate, I wouldn't be able to help him, simply because I didn't have the strength to do so. I realized that he's been the only thing keeping me sane these days and if it wasn't for him, God knows what would've happened. "But I need to get home now. I need to deal with this, to do what _I_ feel is right."

I nodded and finally found the strength and courage to approach him. Instead of him kissing me on the forehead, I stood on my toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He stretched his arms and hugged me-he was warm, but also still very tensed. I could feel he was on edge. He let me go and gave me a sad smile, but he didn't lean down to kiss me-I'm guessing he was too angry to do so. I should give him time.

"I'll come tomorrow to see how you're doing." he promised, but I didn't respond, instead I brushed my tears away from my cheeks and watched him leave me on the porch all by myself, his whole posture somehow bended, tortured even.

He was a lost soul, my sandy-haired boy.

A very lost soul indeed. And I've caused him pain when he least expected it.

**Stefan's POV**

I angrily opened the front door, only so I would find my mom cleaning up the small hallway leading to our living room. She gave me a worried and a bit angry look as I was stepping over the clean floor with my dirty shoes, but I didn't really care, not when I was so mad.

I knew that Elena did all this because she wanted to help me and make me believe in myself, but she used the wrong way to make me understand this-I didn't want some newspaper to publish the story of my best friend and me and our last "journey" together.

When I started writing this story it was three in the morning and I was unable to fall asleep as I was thinking about him and what would he have to say if he could see me struggling right now. I missed him deeply and needed to find a way to say my last goodbyes with him.

The whole story described a journey we never got to make, but was a dream of ours-to travel recklessly around the US, meet people and drink ourselves to oblivion, so we could forget how sad we really were. It was a thing we were about to do together. I even remember Jack talking to me in the hospital about it, saying that once I get healthy we'll drive at least do Florida and then we'll figure the rest out. Now when I go back to it, I'm thinking he was just trying to find a way to calm me down when I most needed it and to convince me that I should start recovering as by that time I was refusing the rehabilitation and just wanted to get home-he pushed me to keep standing every day even when it was so hard, he was there by my side, supporting my barely moving feet towards the hospital hallways. But then once I got out of there, I was still too sick and he was still that ruined so we never took off-how could we, he has broken down one night and I couldn't be there with him because I was feverish and unable to walk-he was there for me when I was most helpless, but I wasn't there for him when he was drowning in his own sadness and despair.

I was a crappy friend.

When I wrote this, I re-read it only once-it was too much for me, even if I knew that it needs editing, I still couldn't bring myself to going through it carefully at least a few times-it was just too painful and it brought too much memories. I liked using metaphors and I played with that a lot in the story, I also wrote Summersend with Jack's character trades, even parts of the dialogue were almost absolutely identical to our own conversations. I wanted him to live through my writing-I wanted to give him what he never had, I wanted to make him happy for the last time before he died.

That's why I was so pissed off right now-if it was any other story that I've written, I wouldn't have been mad at all, but since it was this one, I was furious, because it was something personal, just between me and my best friend, who was no longer on this earth-nobody was supposed to read it, not Elena, not anyone and now half of this state was going to do so.

"What's wrong?" my mom asked as she saw me so infuriated, but I didn't answer, I was afraid I would start yelling at her for no reason if I open up my mouth so I just rushed into the living room with the hope of her letting me be and going back to her work. Damon was nowhere to be seen so I guessed he must've been out with uncle Zach and for the first time I was sad not to find him as I'm sure that if he was here, he would've managed to change my mood or at least help me calm down a bit. "Stefan, what is going on?" my mom followed me and closed the door behind her. I sighed and sat down on the couch, helplessly staring at my phone, looking at the number I've taken from Elena.

Mom came by my side and sat down once she saw me helplessly burying my hands in my hair-she has figured that I'm angry about something, she just didn't know what it was, so after she gently rubbed my back and begged me to start talking, she lift up my chin and scolded me to finally spit it out, as up until now I was trying to pull up a fight.

I told her everything and she sat there patiently waiting for me to finish-it wasn't really a long story, nor was it somehow heartbreaking, so I wondered why I saw tears in her eyes once I stopped talking. She looked away once she noticed that I've made the realization that she's about to cry and cleared her throat.

"Listen to me, Stefan Salvatore and you listen good" she started her voice extremely serious, even a bit scolding-like, which is when I knew she was about to give me a speech

"What this girl did was something a person who cares deeply for you would do" I opened my mouth to protest, but she gave me a stern look, which meant that I shouldn't interrupt her, so I looked down ashamed at my feet and let her continue "She wants you to see how good you are, she wants you to get the recognition you deserve and yes, maybe she should've talked to you about it before attempting anything, but you and I both know you would've said no to it, no matter how hard she would try to convince you."

"Mom, I-"

"Don't you see?" she interrupted me again "This girl is so in love with you that she was okay risking you hating her if it meant that you could actually for once in this damn life, get the recognition you deserve. She wanted you to swallow your pride and accept this and that's exactly what you're going to do."

"I don't want to post this, I never asked for this prize or anything that comes with it" I stood up and protested "I'm not this person, I don't want people to know my name or my story. I don't want them to start prying into my life and ask me how I wrote this thing." I was sure she would continue arguing with me and I even saw that she was getting angry, but instead of starting to yell so looked away, obviously thinking about something and in a minute or so of utter silence spoke up again.

"What if you don't have to do this?" she asked and I arched my eyebrow while on the verge of laughing out loud. My mother was going insane "Call them" she ordered "And tell them you'll agree to them publishing it in the paper only if they do so under a pen-name of your choosing."

I smiled and shook my head-my mom was a smart woman, that's for sure. She always managed to got me out of the greatest messes and figure a way out, which is why she felt so helpless when it came to me recovering-she wanted to fix me as well and she couldn't. I often tend to forget, that I was the one to find my father and stare at his lifeless body helplessly for more than half an hour, but she lost her husband that day-her partner, the man she thought, she would spent her life with, the father of her children.

"Come on, Stefan" she spoke up again as she stood and came by my side "You have to do this."

"Mom" I said helplessly, wishing that I could argue with her, but I was starting to lack strength, I was getting tired, even though I've slept last night. I was surprised when I felt her putting her rough from the work hand on my neck and pulling me to her chest.

"You're missing the point here, my boy" she said silently as if she wanted me to be the only one to hear her words, though there wasn't anyone else in the room "You won this damn thing and I couldn't be more proud of you" she let me go and gave me a kiss on the forehead. She hasn't done so in quite a while and I've honestly missed it. I was so busy running up and down, helping Elena or trying to fix my own damn reality that I've forgotten about my family-about her and Damon.

I've never made anyone proud, so it was something unknown and strange to me, but good nonetheless. I'm not sure I deserved it, I felt like I was the most selfish person on earth, who just happened to win some writing competition because his girlfriend cared too much for him to send this in the first place.

I called the newspaper editor and he was extremely nice and very pleased to hear from me. We talked quite some time and I told him that I want to post under the name Jack Livingston- a pen-name mom and I came up with before calling. She said Jack would be jumping up and down from joy in this living room, if he could be here right now, so when she suggested that I use it, I realized that she was right-he would've been happy for me. As a last name I took the one from the story, that was impersonating my own character-so I combined his real name and my imaginary one. I figured that I wouldn't have been here, if it wasn't for Jack and I wanted to find a way in which I could thank him-_in life and in death, we should remain best friends forever_. The editor agreed to my condition and said the story will be published officially next week.

They also invited me to some annual event they were organizing in Charleston where they would officially give me the prize and introduce me to some people I might want to learn from in the future. They said I could bring a date.

I smiled.

I had a girl, I was desperately in love with, in mind.

* * *

**A/N: This turn out a bit longer than the others, but I just didn't want to split those stuff and move them to the next chapter ,so I figured I should post it all. Hope you enjoyed it. I might delay the next update a bit since we're starting the new semester soon and I'll be without internet at first.**

**Also: rochitia- I'm sorry that you didn't get to read the whole DI chapter. If I've known, I would've left it for a few more days. You can always write me here on a personal message and I can send you the whole thing if you want. And thank you for reading this as well it means a lot to me. **

**Also to the last guest-Thank you as well for reviewing. That pushed me to finish this one sooner than I expected. ((: **


	18. Chapter 18

**Elena's POV**

I was feeling quite nervous when we stepped into the big hall where the Charleston Daily newspaper were conducting this annual gathering, to which Stefan was officially invited and told he could bring along a date, if he wanted to.

After that day when I told him what I've done, I thought things between us would go terribly wrong and for a few days, they actually did. He never yelled or did anything to show me how mad he was, but he distanced himself from me and even though he came by my house and drove me to Meredith's office a couple of times when I needed most, he still remained extremely quiet, suffering in his own way from my actions. I guessed his mother talked to him about it all and made him change his mind, because I saw her the other day and she gave me a big warming hug-I was finally getting a little bit better and I'm guessing it was starting to show, even though there were times, I felt extremely weak and Stefan kept nervously hovering around me, waiting for me to collapse any other minute and it caused me numerous efforts to assure him, that I would be all fine.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if that would be the case, but I kept repeating the words, both for his and my own sake-I could notice the circles under his eyes-he was barely getting sleep lately, especially since everything with me went wrong.

So a week passed with him being a silent closed boy, a side of him I didn't have to suffer from until now. The other day, however, when he came by my house and still acted the same, I lost my nerves and made him spill it out, just like I've tried the day when I told him about the story-it's hard to make him lose his temper and I hated seeing him in such a different angry light, but I made him talk and I made him just say out loud everything that was bothering him-we fought, but I wasn't really concerned about this as I knew it wouldn't have been a real relationship if everything went on smoothly.

Up until know, we had to fight only about our own individual problems and the arguments we had were due to the fact that either one of us was worried about the other. Now it was different-it was because both of us had made mistakes and acted out as we shouldn't have, we needed to talk about it or it would be the thing to end our relationship and most importantly our friendship.

So we talked, after he let it all out and calmed down, we sat on the couch, I hugged myself in me and we shared our thoughts with one another-his greatest problem was that he felt betrayed and Stefan to begin with had a problem with trusting people, getting too close to them-it scared him and made him feel vulnerable. He needed to be strong, to appear as such, especially when I wasn't in the perfect health-he was a very stubborn boy and he would give anything to protect me, but he found himself in the situation where he suddenly got mad at me when he least wanted and being the gentlemen he was, he could start yelling at me when I was barely standing on my feet-he didn't want to hurt me and I loved him for it, but I made him understand that he shouldn't keep those stuff inside, that's where all his problems start to begin with. I also apologized for the way I acted and for not telling him or suggesting him to send the story himself. I remember him nodding slightly and smiling in my direction, saying that I knew perfectly he wouldn't even considering taking part in this thing, not even if I've begged him to do so.

Besides from everything going on with that, our lives remained the same, at least until now-we went to the support group meetings and I went to my private ones.

Though he seemed to be making a progress before, now I felt like he was at a still point again-he wasn't talking much, but he was trying and that was a good sign for me, so I continued trying to support him and convince him he should make one step at a time. Whenever I brought the subject concerning his problems, however, he tried to change it-he wasn't up to discussing it.

When we were lying in my bed the other night, however, he admitted that he's been having nightmares lately and he could only steal a few hours of sleep at best, until eventually he woke up screaming and caused his mom and Damon to wake up, which made him feel more guilty than ever.

Damon was a bit angry at him lately and feeling left behind the reason or which was I, so I pushed Stefan to take the three of us together outside and even though I was still a bit unstable when I had to walk long distances, I managed to put up a fight against my own body and beat it-we had fun together and Damon was running up and down before us happily until eventually he got as exhausted as us and fell asleep on the back seat while Stefan drove me home. I staggered as I got out of his truck and he carried me to my bed, though I tried to protest and convince him not to do so. He even tugged me with my blanket and gave me a kiss goodbye-as I held his face back in this moment, I wanted to tell him so many things, I wanted to admit I've heard him tell me that he loves me while I was unconscious, I wanted to admit that I'm crazy in love and with time it's getting worse, I wanted to say how grateful I am that I have him in my life, but instead I only raised up and gave him a kiss on his own forehead, after which I hugged him tightly and didn't want to let him go-he felt there was something I wasn't saying out loud, but he didn't push me, he only let me back down on my pillow and said goodbye.

His tired expression was making me feel bad-he has given up too much for me these past few weeks and he had to see me break down repeatedly, I even fought him-there were marks on his hands from my nails and he said I shouldn't be ashamed, that every battle left its scars. He said I shouldn't worry about him, but I did-besides everything that happened, even after I made him tell me how he feels about the fact that more or less I've betrayed him, I still felt like he's hiding something. I couldn't figure out what it could be, but I was worried it was something concerning him and his health-I thought that he's not being honest with me, but I didn't push the subject, not this week, not today when he himself was so nervous.

He felt awkward amongst so many people and once we stepped in the big hall, the editor Michael Smith, welcomed us with a genuine wide smile. He was the only one who knew Stefan's real name, but he still called him Jack Livingston, as they've arranged on the phone. This was all strange to me, hearing them greeting my sweet sandy-haired boy and calling him Jack, but it made me happy nonetheless-it seemed like whomever he spoke to, was pleased with his work. They all greeted him on winning the prize and told him his piece of work is something they haven't seen in years and that made me smile as I watched Stefan humbly express his gratitude towards this people he didn't know.

"You're the most beautiful girl in this room, Elena" I felt him whispering in my ear as we sat down on the round table alongside Michael and a few of the other people from the newspaper agency. I blushed at his comment and gently squeezed his hand. He's been making me compliments ever since I changed into the nice black evening dress once we arrived here. They've arranged a room for us in a really nice hotel here in Charleston and I was impatient to spent some time with him there later this evening. I mentally thanked aunt Jenna and Bonnie for making me buy this dress-it was obviously a good choice and Stefan said it drove him insane, ever since I put it on, so I couldn't ask for more-I was glad, I could take his mind off things and make him a little less nervous.

I had to accompany him as he talked to quite a few people before we've even started dinner and I guessed after it Michael would want to introduce him to just as many, but I couldn't wait for the moment when we would get out of this place. Stefan was wearing a really nice navy blue suit, which he later admitted used to be his father's and that made him quiet sad, but I was able to remind him that if he could've been here, he surely would've been proud of his son, so there wasn't anything he should feel bad about, not tonight.

Everyone here were accepting us as normal people-right now, me and Stefan weren't the sick kids, who repeatedly broke down and needed to be seduced so they wouldn't hurt themselves. Here we were accepted as normal, actually a little bit special since Stefan was considered to be the next young genius amongst those people, who loved reading and writing just as much as he did and I was the girl he has chosen to take with himself. Every now and then I would hear someone whisper how sweet we looked and how in love we were with each other and that was the truth and made me and Stefan smile-we were kids, teenagers, but we weren't broken, not here. Here we got the opportunity to forget all the bad things that has happened to us in the past few weeks, even in the past month and live as if we're young and beautiful and not broken and bent from the life we had.

"So how did you two meet?" Michael's wife Jenny asked Stefan and I threw him a worried look before he could gently squeeze my hand under the table and start talking.

"Oh, we're childhood friends" he spoke up and I almost burst out laughing, but managed to cover it with a sincere chuckle. "She lived next door and drove me crazy, ever since I could walk." now I smiled genuinely as he continued.

I knew what he was doing-this was a fake reality, a day we should appreciate as a gifs and we didn't need to bring our past with us. Instead, we could create a new one and remove all the pain away. Stefan of course, being the good story teller that he was, made up the perfect story tail that all those people needed to hear-it was a story we wished was our reality, but wasn't. We still could live in it for the entire evening and once he finished talking, with me intervening here and there, making it sound even more perfect than he made it out to be, I leaned on his shoulder, after giving him a loving kiss on the cheek.

After this dinner we had, it was time for the awards ceremony. However, they started by giving away the prizes for the poetry winners, though that didn't calm Stefan down-on the contrary, the more people passed by and talked on this small stage-writers, editors or just people who have won something, the more nervous he got-as a first-prize winner, he was supposed to give a small speech after they've given him the award and I had no idea what he has prepared, he never told me, but whatever it was, I knew he would do good. I've heard him talk in the support group, at first he would usually be very worried, but then he forgot about everyone around him and just said what he was thinking, without considering sounding harsh or extremely honest, so I was certain he would do great. He wouldn't have to speak for more than a few minutes and even though I kept reminding him this, I could still feel his anxiety.

When they announced his name, which wasn't even his real one, I saw him nervously walking up to the stage-I've told him to look at me whenever he feels nervous, so he would calm himself down and after they handed him the prize and left him on the stage alone, he immediately searched for me and I smiled gently to which he responded with the same.

After people stopped applauding him, he nervously adjusted the microphone before starting.

"I would like to express my gratitude to the Charleston Daily newspaper for this award" he slightly moved up the statue in his hands "And for picking me and taking the time to read my awful story" the crowd chuckled and he shrugged his shoulders playfully, which made people around me smile even more.

He was this goofish blond kid, who somehow got here and won this thing

"But there are two people out there, who are the only reason I am standing here before you tonight, making a total fool of myself." he took a deep sigh "The first one is my beautiful girlfriend Elena" he pierced his green eyes at me and I felt people turning towards our table

"Who was brave enough to do something, I didn't have the guts to and who is the reason I'm so helplessly falling in love more and more with every passing day" I felt my eyes filling with tears "That doesn't mean she's not driving me crazy, though, just to make this clear" the crowd laughed silently again and I smiled at his ability to be at such ease with people he didn't know

"The other person is my best friend Jack, who is however no longer amongst us" the hall suddenly went extremely silent. No one was staring at me anymore, all eyes were pierced on him and his voice wasn't shaking, there were no tears in his eyes-he was extremely serious now and he had to man up, because he knew that's what Jack would want him to do "He was the one to inspire this story and the only reason to push me to sit down and waste my time writing it-he was a boy with many good qualities and just as many flaws, because none of us are perfect and I guess that's what what made him such a good friend. So this story and this award, go to him" he raised his voice a bit again and people started applauding him, but he didn't leave the stage, not yet.

Everyone who has won something tonight, had to read a part of their piece and I knew Stefan would have to do the same, so he patiently waited for them to stop clapping and leaned back to the mic again

"I am supposed to quote a something from my story and I will do so, though I won't follow the advice Mr. Smith gave me and recite you the best part of it, instead I'll share the last few sentences with you" he picked up a list from the inner pocket of his nice suit and opened it up, though I was certain he knew the words by heart

"_I don't know anything about life, nor am I aware of what death really is, but I've suffered from the consequences that the one leave on the other and the way death changes a living person's life. When someone dies you don't always have to say goodbye, you don't have this epic moment where you both feel satisfied with everything you've been through-to be honest, death is quite ugly and leaves that awful taste of uncertainty in your mouth. For a moment, you have no idea how you'll find your way after it, because everything seems beyond grey-nothing makes a damn sense on this earth anymore and yet you're here and you're told you should move on. So here I am-standing on my back porch with a beer in my hand, watching as the leaves fall from the nearest tree in my feet, my six brothers making hellish noise inside-somewhere, behind the door I'm leaning on, life goes on without caring about the fact that my best friend will be buried tomorrow and I'll have to carry his casket. I sighed as I started at the red leaf in my feet and thought of my best friend smiling foolishly at me just a few days ago. Then I made a few steps forward and stared at the sky, which was slowly getting darker with every passing minute-I realized I was desperate to see him once more, to be with him __**once **__more, to ask him for advice or tell him something __**just once more**__, but that was the selfish human side of me begging for yet another moment with my best friend-I was greedy, because I was grieving. At the end of this day I knew one thing-I would never see him again and somehow with a sad smile on my face, I accepted this reality, not only because I didn't have another choice, but also because I was realizing he wouldn't want me to do anything else."_

After he was done and moved his eyes up from the list, he realized that the whole room was silent and for a moment, before they jumped on their feet and started clapping he was worried and then he found me and saw me crying. When he took down the stairs from the stage, he practically ran towards me and I buried my face in his chest-in this moment, right now, I knew I'll never be more proud of him. I felt him kissing me on the head and gently rubbing my back, trying to soothe me, when I looked up he brushed my tears with his thumb and leaned down to kiss me. Only after we separated, did I realize a majority of the people were staring at us and somehow that didn't disturb me at all this time.

After the ceremony was over Michel introduced him to a bunch of other people, while I remained at our table since I was tired and finished the rest of the dinner while talking to Michael's wife, who turned out to be really nice. I couldn't wait for Stefan to get free and after more than an hour of waiting for him there, he finally got back to me, looking extremely tired.

"Let's get out of here" he said as we finally headed out of the hallway and threw his jacket on my bare shoulders, without me even asking for it. I tightened my grip and as we impatiently walked outside. The mood instantly changed when he suddenly stopped and leaned down to give me a kiss-a passionate and hungry one, though

"Stefan!" I protested once he let me go "Can't you wait till we get back to the room?" I chuckled as he gave me a disappointed look and furrowed his eyebrows

"I can't." he simply let out loud and kissed me again, this time leaving me completely breathless-it was crazy how hot I felt, even though we were outside in the middle of the night on an empty street, tugged in his jacket.

"You're driving me crazy." he whispered when he finally let me go and pushed me to keep going towards the hotel. He was so tired and yet there was this light in his eyes, this eagerness to be with me, next to me, close to me and honestly I felt the same-there was this different kind of flame between us this night and when he finally slammed the door of the room and got rid of my clothes in matter of minutes, I chuckled like a little girl-he was making me feel incredible as he acted both eagerly and gently. It's been too long, since we had the opportunity to be together alone-with him breaking down and barely walking the distance from his room to the kitchen and my problems with the pills, we had no time to just stop for a moment and be together in the real sense of the word. When we were in my house, there was aunt Jenna and when I went to his flat either Damon or his mom were home-now we were alone, there were no boundaries anymore.

He had the power to drive me insane and make me feel like I have everything in this world you could ever ask for-and all this not only with words, but with actions-he had the ability to change everything with a simple small kiss on the forehead or a passionate one on the lips.

In other words-he was my whole world, right now, in this moment of my life, there wasn't anything I could wish for, except to feel his hands touch my body. And well…for us to be healthy again. Not that it was relevant right now, because this night it wasn't about our sicknesses anymore-it was about our love. And we showed it to each other in both a beautiful and reckless way-our clothes ended up all around us, either on the floor or on the chairs next to the small hotel desk-it was a mess, just like our lives were and there wasn't anything I would ever want to do to change it.

But I was smarter-I knew already, happiness in our brutal reality was a deceiving thing-you had it for a few hours and then it was taken away in the blink of the eye. I knew it, he did as well-that's why we prolonged this beautiful passionate moment between us as far as we could-we simply didn't want to wake up from this dream-it was the best day both of us had in months, if not years, since he has been a wreck for such a long time. There was warmth in his every touch and it made me shiver with both joy and lust-I wanted him just as much as he wanted me and it was a beautiful play of two reckless kids, who were in fact more of an adults after everything they've been through.

I can't believed we laughed so much while we were undressing each other-it was both sweet and innocent-for the first time in forever, I saw his boyish wide sincere smile and I knew-he was giving me all his heart. Right then, in this moment, I had no doubt-he loved me, nothing could ever change that, no matter what. And that gave me hope and made me feel secure-I was convinced that Stefan Salvatore would never hurt me.

As I buried my fingers in his messy hair for the hundred time today and let a relieved sigh out, I felt him laying right next to me, breathing heavily. I moved from my pillow back on his chest, feeling both tired and full of life. When he opened his green eyes and gave me the usual concerned look, I smiled assuring him that everything is alright so he could relax as well. He gently rubbed my back and I almost chuckled, because he was making me ticklish-but it was a nice feeling anyway, so I didn't even dare move as I was afraid I'll ruin our moment.

"Go to sleep, Elena." he said barely audible and I looked back at him

"I don't want to." he pierced his eyebrow confused, demanding an explanation "I don't want this night to end, Stefan. It was just too good."

"But?" he knew there was more and as usually he felt as if he's just not enough to make me happy, so he needed to know what the hell was wrong.

"But tomorrow reality will set in. We'll go back to Mystic Falls and things we'll be the same. I'll be-"

"Shh" he interrupted me with his sleepy voice and only now did I realize that he was probably on the verge of falling "You're thinking too much, Elena." he leaned to give me a small kiss on the forehead "It's all good for now. One day, it will be good for an even longer time."

"How can you be so sure?" I felt as if he was hiding something, but the innocent look he gave me, prevented me from asking any more questions.

"I just am. There'll come a day when you'll be healthy and everything that happened will be just in the past." somehow I wanted to believe his words. Call me desperate-maybe I was, maybe I was not, I don't know. There was some certainty in his every move and I refused to realize, that the sadness, which was always so present in both our eyes, was somehow gone now. Forgotten even.

"You were wonderful tonight."

"That's not true" he opposed as usually and found my hand, so we can intervene our fingers on his bare chest. "You were more beautiful than I've ever seen you. That gave me strength and it made me less nervous for sure. So it was all you" I wanted to argue with him, but I felt like that's not the right time. He was a stubborn one, my sandy-haired boy, it was hard to convince him. "You're the reason we're both here. Thank you for what you did."

"I did nothing, I just believed in you."

"And that was more than anyone has ever given me in the last two years." he smiled and kissed me again. I thought how lonely he must've felt all those months after Jack died-no one out there to ever understand him, no one to help him. Not in the real way at least. But now, I was here and I had no plans of leaving him behind, under any circumstances.

When I looked back up at him I realized he was slowly falling asleep and I was glad-I had no idea when was the last time he managed to get a break from everything that's been happening lately. I hoped that at least now, with me, he wouldn't have nightmares, that maybe, since the night was so good and benevolent towards us, he would fall peacefully and there wouldn't be anything to torture him. God, how much I wish we could both be next to each other like this every evening, even in our darkest moments, even when we're both breaking down or resisting medications, even when we're lost. I just wanted us to be together-was that too much to ask for?

I fell asleep in his embrace, but a few hours later I woke up abruptly as I turned around and didn't find him next to me. At first I was scared, I couldn't figure out where he was and when I raised up, I saw him on the balcony outside the room, resting on one of the chairs there, staring at the sky, lost in his thoughts. He has his shirt on, but it was obvious he has sweated and his hair was messy again, but not in this careless way, it usually was. I stood up and found one of his sweaters tossed on the chair, as I passed by the desk, I saw it was four in the morning and sighed worriedly before joining him outside. He was surprised to hear me come out, which is why he almost jumped at the sound the doors made, but once I put my hand on his arm and squeezed it gently, he smiled and his tensed posture relaxed. I leaned down to give him a kiss and he tiredly, with his last effort, rubbed my hand gently.

"Another nightmare?" I asked and he nodded, not feeling the need to express the situation with words. I sat down in his lap and he embraced my thin waist with his strong arms. I wondered how come I never heard him scream or toss, maybe I was too tired myself or maybe he didn't do all those things this time-maybe, he just woke up startled and went outside so he wouldn't bother me.

"I heard you, you know?" I started again, all of a sudden, surprised in myself for even opening up that subject. I felt our happiness slip through my fingers-he was back to his usual reality before the night has even ended-he was sick. We were both still like this and God knows when it would all be better. In desperate attempt to make the sadness go away, I continued as I saw him giving me a confused look "When you said that you loved me back in my house." he didn't look away, though I saw he was somehow uncomfortable "I heard you. I was almost asleep, but I just-" I sighed. I couldn't find the right words and tell him what I felt. It was again too hard for me to express my feelings, something inside was stopping me and he took the wrong impression

"I am sorry" he said sadly, in an apologizing manner, as if somehow he has ruined something when in fact he gave me strength

"No, you don't understand, Stefan."

"It's okay. I don't want you to say it back right now" he brought my hand to his lips "I do mean it, though. With all my heart" I smiled sadly, just like him a minute ago and leaned on his shoulder.

I wished, I could just say it out loud-I did mean it, I loved him, he was the best thing to ever happen to me after my parents died and yet even when I tried, I ended up either just sighing or grunting angrily and he knew that I was trying, that's why he was gently rubbing my back while I was hiding my face in his embrace. He understood-even in his worst, when he was so tired, he was the one to try and make me feel better, not the other way around.

I made him go back inside and tried to stay awake for as long as I could, but he just didn't want to give in and fall asleep-he was scared, he would end up waking me up with his yells and he didn't want to hurt me.

The problem was, he was ripped off from our perfect day earlier than I was-I had this desperate need to hold on to this fake happy reality for as long as I could, but I needed us both to be there and it was impossible, because he was hurting already, only hours after our greatest evening. I was trying to push away the thoughts that something wasn't right with him again and that all that progress I thought he was making, might've just been my own illusion as I was too desperate to want him to get better, when in fact he probably wasn't. Either way, I felt helpless and though I tried to stay up for as long as I could, eventually I fell asleep in his embrace.

When I woke up, reality was settling in for me as well and my sandy-haired boy was nothing like the happy man he was with last night. Neither was I the beautiful girl he was so hopelessly in love with-feelings bigger than us controlled our lives and I was sick of it.

I wanted it to end.

**Stefan's POV**

I rang on the Gilbert's door and waited patiently for Jenna to open. For the first time since I met Elena, I wasn't eager to see her, because I knew it was time for her to leave and I was trying very hard to put up a strong façade and not let her see how ruined I already was.

That wasn't the worst thing though-it was the guilt that was killing me from the inside-I felt bad for lying to her and I did this too many times ever since we got back from Charleston. That evening there was the best one we've ever had, even though I managed to ruin it with my inability to fall asleep. I've worried her, made her anxious and the next morning she was hovering all around me asking me if I'm okay. I was fine or well…as fine as you can be in this condition and I tried very hard to convince her things with me are all good when I myself had no idea if they really were-she didn't believe me and when she asked me if that dream I had was about my father again I said no, but I didn't continue the subject and she didn't press it any further as she knew how painful it was anyway.

The truth is I didn't want to tell her, because I was trying to avoid worrying her more than she already was. I didn't have a bad dream about my father or Jack-this time it was about her. About _losing her_ to be more specific. It wasn't the first time that has happened. Ever since Meredith told me she'll be leaving, I've had this awful nightmare of losing her a few times. I never screamed or tossed too much when I was dreaming it, but I did woke up extremely scared, with my heart trying to get away from my chest-it was awful and it scared me to death. But I didn't have the heart to tell her this, I knew it would only push her into thinking she's wrong for me.

Then again, I lied when Meredith told her she'll be leaving. The psycho said I can come up with whatever reason I want, but I had to convince her it was for the best. When I got to her house that day she was silently crying in her room-she wasn't breaking down or anything, but she was just sad and uncertain when it came to her leaving or not. Jenna has already talked to her, tried to make her understand it's for the best and only till the end of the summer, but she was reluctant and I was the reason for it.

So that's why when I got there and hugged her tightly, I lied to her and told her Meredith has called me last night and told me she might have something like this for me as well, just not in Atlanta and not right in this moment. I wasn't sure she would believe my words and there was indeed some doubt in her eyes, but once I convinced her I've been to the psycho's office and we discussed what she could do to send me away as well, she believed me and was even happy.

The hardest part of all was to convince her that I believe my own words as well, but I think love has this sometimes awful, sometimes good way of blinding us and so she believed what she wanted to desperately hear-I gave her that, even if it was a lie. I loved her too much not to do this-I had to make sure she gets there, that she makes some progress and starts healing and for that I would give anything on earth, even my own life. Not that I found much sense in it anyway anymore-it has pretty much lost its value. She was the one to bring me back to my feet, even if she's so eagerly denying it-it was the truth. What kept me from killing myself those past few months was her. I loved her too much to do this to her so I had to keep going. I knew perfectly well that my death would only make things worse for her and I could do this, I could not send her into another desperate hole, just when she was getting better. Maybe I shouldn't have started this in the first place, yes, I knew it back then, I was well aware of the fact that she might get hurt because of me and that's what I hated most, but love turned out to be stronger than me-actually, I think these days everything's stronger than me. I'm half the boy I once was and I doubt I'll ever be that careless smiling person again.

I turned into a liar for her own good. And I knew pretty well one day she'll figure this whole thing out and it will probably hurt her and make her mad, but I didn't have a choice and right now, I was willing to risk it all if it meant she would be healthy-I couldn't watch her like this anymore. Her last crisis with the pills almost brought me to a breaking point and the only thought that prevented me from going down myself, was that I had to simply be the stronger one now-I had no excuse to childishly leave my feelings consume me. I had to think of her, because I love her.

"Stefan!" she yelled as she ran down the stairs and threw herself in my embrace. I picked her in my arms, even though I felt this usual light pain in my back again. Lately when I woke up, I felt too numb to stand up, sometimes it hurt me too much, so I just lay there and wait for it to pass. It usually did like an hour later and I never told anyone, because it was something that happened every once in a while, so it didn't concern me, but yesterday my mom caught me dragging myself out of my room and made a big fuss out of it so she called uncle Zach so he would bring me back to my senses, as she said, and drive me for a check-up.

I never told Elena this-again, I was a liar, but as I picked her up, I tried hard to suppress this thought in my head and focus on her. She wasn't crying, but there were tears in her big brown warm eyes and I gave her a wide smile, so I would assure her it was fine

"Thank you for coming."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss seeing my beautiful girlfriend for the world!" she chuckled and hugged herself in me after I let her down. Her aunt passed by us with Elena's traveling bag and headed to the car-they needed to leave pretty soon, so Jenna gave us a warm glance and reminded Elena she'll be waiting outside. Once we were alone, I went to close the door and took her hand, so I could lead her to the stairs and sit down-I was having a hard time standing up for some reason.

She knew that this awful moment of us separating has come and she was nervous and sad, which is why I had to do the talking, but before I could start she surprisingly interrupted me while gently rubbing my hand in her thumb.

"Please, Stefan, don't say goodbye." she said it so silently, it was like a whisper. She was afraid to say it out loud, to make everything too real. I didn't respond right away, instead I placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I won't." I promised and smiled weakly "You know I would do anything for you" she gave me a warm look as she nodded in reassurance, she looked somehow relived, thinking that's all I have to say, which almost made me hate myself for going on

"But there's something I want you to do as well." she looked surprised, but nodded immediately, which made me love her even more. "When you come back" I looked down at my hand on top of hers "If you are healthy, if you've moved on from all those awful things and they've cleared you officially" now I finally gathered the courage in me to face her "I don't want you to look for me."

"What?" she asked confused, wondering what the hell was I even talking about "Stefan-"

"No, listen to me" I continued stubbornly "If you're better, if you're out of this hole you're in now, I want you to forget about me. I don't want you to call me, to come to our house, to try and find me."

"Stefan, no!" she protested and started shaking her head angrily, she pulled her hand away from mine and I felt myself shiver. She was suddenly so terrified, so scared and I had to make her believe it will be fine.

"You have to promise!" I raised my voice, desperately trying to make her understand "Elena, please." she shook her head and stood up. For a moment we remained in silence, her back towards me, hiding herself and her tears until I heard her clear her throat and dared to stand up as well and come behind her, carefully embracing her arms. She didn't pull away, but she didn't speak up either

"That's what I want you to do." I whispered again "You have to promise."

"I don't think I can" she finally said after another long and silent moment as she finally turned towards me "Stefan I-"

"Don't say it, Elena." I interrupted her. I knew what was on the tip of her tongue, but now wasn't the right time, she wasn't supposed to do this to herself, not now, not with me. She had no idea what would happen when she leaves, she didn't know if she would get better or not and she wasn't supposed to take this chance and say it out loud, because her words wouldn't only crush her-they would wreck me as well "Not now, sweetheart" I shook my head as she cupped my face. "Just promise me."

"Is that what you really want?" she asked barely audible again and I nodded, because I couldn't say the words out loud "Then, I promise." I smiled gratefully and held her in my arms a little while longer, inhaling her scent, trying to remember everything about this moment, her small hands on my wrecked back, the beating of her heart so full of life and love, even her tears wetting my shirt.

"I love you with all my heart" I said as I let her go and leaned down to kiss her, not giving her the opportunity to talk. I didn't break the kiss for a while and once I did, it was because I felt both of us were having a hard time catching our breaths. She wasn't crying anymore, she brushed all the tears away from her pale cheeks and as I gathered all the strength left in me, I caught her hand and lead her out, only to find her aunt waiting for her in the car. I helped her put her jacket on and then we slowly headed to the car -I felt her trying to prolong the moment when in fact my heart was so heavy already, it was making it hard for me to breathe. When we got there, she turned towards me one last time and gave me a small kiss on the cheek.

"Please take care of yourself while I'm gone."

"Don't you worry about me, beautiful girl." I smiled and rubbed her chin with my thumb "I'll be all fine." I assured her and she hugged me again, unwilling to let go.

God, I really didn't want to let her leave as well, I wanted to hold her in my arms for as long as I can, but what's the point in that if she's not healthy? What's the point to be with her if I keep watching her suffer like that? I loved her too much to let this happen

"You have to let go, Elena." I whispered and pushed myself away from her. She suddenly felt so distant, maybe because she was trying hard not to cry again. I opened the door for her and gave her one last gentle kiss on the forehead. I watched her put her seatbelt on and whispered one last _I love you_ and watched Jenna drive away.

I stayed there until I completely lost sight of them. Only then did I realize how hard am I trying not to fall apart myself, as if she was still next to me and I had to put up a fight for her.

But she was gone now and I was suddenly all alone again, just like after Jack died-there was no one else out for me here. I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing and I believed it.

The problem was, this didn't help me fall asleep that night.

In fact, it kept me awake for days after that.


	19. Chapter 19

**Elena's POV**

_**TWO MONTHS LATER**_

We were twenty minutes away from entering Mystic Falls and getting back home. For the first time in months, I would sleep in my own bed and the thought made me even more happy.

I looked at the smiling Jenna next to me-she seemed full of joy and honestly so was I-my time in Atlanta has paid off. In a few days Meredith would officially clear me and I wouldn't have to visit the support group meetings anymore-I was a healthy person.

The treatment there was nothing like what we've been doing here in Mystic Falls-it was better, different and although I suffered a lot in the beginning, although I cried my eyes out and wanted nothing but to call Jenna or Stefan, I managed to survive and slowly started getting better. The psychiatrist was indeed very good in his job and he managed to help me so fast that after the first week there, I could admit I was finally feeling a little bit more normal. It was strange at first, very awkward to be in a place with so many screwed up people-it was nothing like the meetings here where you just come for an hour and then go back to your home, trying to forget all about it. There you couldn't avoid the pain and the sadness, but that also meant you have to face your demons and problems and work on them-the whole environment was entirely different and with time I realized it's okay that I can't see Jenna or Stefan-it was for the better, I had to heal on my own and even though they were always so supportive and wanted to help me get through things, I was used to leaning on them whenever I felt weak, while there I was on my own and had to fight like hell.

I taught myself to endure the difficult situations, to talk about everything that happened without shaking incontrollable, to admit my feelings and suffer the consequences that come with both pain and love. At first, I was giving everyone such troubles over there that I thought they would send me back to Mystic Falls and tell Meredith I wasn't a person they could help get better, but I'm guessing the staff has dealt with more severe cases than mine, so for my surprise nobody gave up-they were patient with me and my awful stubbornness. After the first month passed, I was feeling like another person and when they let me see Jenna and Jeremy, I cried in their arms from happiness. I've missed them way too much than I was willing to admit. Aunt Jenna spent the better part of the visitation holding my hand and crying, saying I look beautiful and full of light, while my brother continued giving me foolish though happy smiles, trying to cover the tears in his own eyes-when they left, I didn't cry or break down, because I was alone again-on the contrary, I started trying even harder, I wanted to make progress, to get better, to make them feel proud of me. I was determined to get back to Mystic Falls as a healthy, cured person and I didn't care how much effort it would cause me to succeed.

So here I was now-going back home with my aunt, who was smiling next to me, happy that we're together again, glad that everything is finally going to be back to normal.

And I was happy as well. I was glad and relieved.

All those months, however, there was the thought of one person, I couldn't simply get away from my head. The only one, who was always able to make me feel good about myself, to feel loved. The one, who thought me all about sacrifice and doing everything you could for the person you loved. The one, I left behind-Stefan. My sandy haired boy, whose last wish was to leave him be, if I get healthy.

And now I was healthy, I was all good, but I kept wondering where he was? If he has went away as well? If maybe, just maybe, he was better and was waiting for me to find him? I did promise him that I won't look out for him, but what if the situation with him has changed as well? What if he was no longer breaking down or taking medications-what if he was back to normal, like me? Or if not that, what if he was making progress and trying to get better? How could I just leave him behind-I loved him. And I never even told him that.

I had no idea what was going on with him-when Jenna came to see me, I couldn't ask anything, because my brother was there and I didn't want to ruin the moment, as I knew he was never a big fan of Stefan. I couldn't call him, as we weren't allowed to use phones. I did, however write him letters, which I never send. Probably, because I was afraid, I would only hurt him more. It was selfish of me to send him something and then again I knew, I wouldn't be able to read his response until after they leave me out of this place. I also didn't see a point in giving him false hope, that I would be all fine when back then I wasn't sure this would be the case-I was afraid to believe, I could get back to normal, though eventually that changed, because in order for me to get healthy, I had to believe in myself-something Stefan always reminded me to do and I never paid attention to his words, because I never thought it was relevant. It turned out it was crucial.

"So, I was thinking of ordering some Chinese for dinner" aunt Jenna was blabbing next to me and I haven't even been listening to her "Your brother's been whining about it for-"

"Have you heard anything about him, aunt Jenna?" I interrupted her and she suddenly went silent. I watched her swallow hard and grip the steering wheel as she was trying to come up with an answer "Please, just tell me" she was aware, I was talking about Stefan and she either knew something and was hiding it or had no idea what's been going on with him and wanted to change the subject.

"I haven't, I'm sorry" she replied sincerely and gave me a concerning look. I guessed she thought that seeing him right now wouldn't be a good thing for me. She was scared he could somehow take my normality away and she didn't want to risk it for the world.

But I simply didn't care.

"Will you drop me off at their flat then, please?" I asked, trying not to sound too demanding. I have become a stronger person in these past few months and I wanted to show her that I wasn't the easily bruised girl I once was

"Elena, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Aunt Jenna" I turned towards her and put my hand on top of hers, just as we were passing by the Mystic Falls welcoming sign. We would be home in less than fifteen minutes, though I didn't want to get there yet-I needed to make sure he was fine, just this once and then if he's away or if he wants me to leave, I will. "Please, trust me."

"Elena you have no idea what's even going on with him" she tried to protest and put up a fight, though I could see her bending over already, we had just a few minutes until we would get to the turn she would make and lead me to his flat.

"I just need to know he's fine and I'll be right back home, I promise." she gave me another suspicious look-she didn't trust me and she was right. I'll need some time to show her that I'm really fine now, though I was certain she would worry even if I make every psychiatrist in this state confirm my condition. It's just who she was-our only parent now and as such, it was understandable, but I needed her to trust me on this one. "Please." I begged again and watched her sigh helplessly as she made the turn towards his home.

"I don't want something to go wrong just when you've come back" she said quite sternly as she slowed down in search of a place to park the car "Don't make me regret this, please."

"Thank you, aunt Jenna-I said with a smile and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving the car. " I promise, I'll be home soon. "I jumped off the car and practically ran up the stairs leading to their door. For the first time since I've known him, I begged for him not to be here-I wanted him to be away somewhere just like I was, I wanted him to be healing and getting over everything that's been going on in his full of pain life-he deserved better.

I rang nervously on the doorbell, trying to catch my breath-it was strange how I couldn't hear a single noise coming from the inside. If his mom or Damon were at the house, I would surely hear the child's laugh or the noises from the kitchen where Mrs. Salvatore cooked-now it was all silent, but it wasn't that typical, even sometimes comforting silence, that comes when someone's just out for a while-it was a heavy one. As if no one has been home for a long time. I looked down at their doormat and saw a bunch of letters on it-nobody has picked up the mail soon and that made me furrow my eyebrows.

"Elena!" I heard Damon's childish voice behind me and just as I was about to let a relieved sigh out while turning towards him, until I realized the sad look on his face. I saw him and his uncle climb the stairs towards the flat-Zach looked so exhausted it almost made me want to hug him. I've forgotten how screwed up life here was-not that back in this Atlanta center it was rainbows and unicorns-it wasn't, but I knew eventually I'll leave and I'll be healthy and somehow I've let the fact that not everyone else are okay, slip away. Damon ran towards me and I leaned down to hug him-at first he didn't hurry to let me go-there was something so genuinely sad in his hug, that I was unwilling to break it as well. When we finally did uncle Zach was smiling warmly at the scene he's just witnessed "Are you back for good now" Damon asked again in his curios childish way

"Yes, I just arrived actually." I responded as I ruffled his dark black messy hair

"Welcome back, Elena" uncle Zach shook my hand gently as he searched for the keys in his pocket.

"Where's your big brother, huh?" I finally let out the question that's been on my mind for the past two months. Where was Stefan? Was he healthy? Was he happy? Has he may be moved on? Forgotten all about the girl he said he loved?

Damon gave me a sad look, but before he could start talking, uncle Zach opened the door and told him to get in and take as many toys as he would like to for his house, only so we could be left alone and talk without the kid listening to us. This meant something wasn't right and the thought of Stefan not being okay almost made me tremble with fear, until I remembered that I was a different person now-stronger. I had to act as such. I was no longer the sad pathetic girl who cried all the time.

"What is wrong?" I said, trying hard to keep my voice from shaking as I watched uncle Zach let a tired sigh out and close the door behind us. We ended up in the small hallway and I stared at Stefan's jacket hanging on the wall behind his uncle. "Where's Stefan?" I continued, demanding an answer.

"He's in the hospital" his uncle finally let out and I took a small step back, afraid to let the words sink in, but wanting to know more at the same time

"Is he alright? Is he not sleeping again?" I asked trying to find some logical explanation and prevent myself from panicking. He might've just needed Rose to seduce him if he hasn't been able to catch some sleep these days-it was normal, he went there every once in a while when he was having problems. I watched Zach shake his head slowly however and felt the fear raise up inside me, making it hard for me to breathe. I intertwined my hands behind my back, trying to prevent them from shaking.

"A little before you left he felt this pain in his back" he started explaining slowly as he sat on the shoe cupboard against me, having the need to find some stability in his life, I guess, while I took another step back and leaned on the wall "Ever since he..fell the second time, he's been having troubles, you know? But he never really paid much attention and he wasn't being careful when they told him he should take care of himself, so when they ran the tests, they said him he's getting worse and he has to rest more, start the rehabilitation again, take some painkillers and he did." he ran his fingers through his hair and I wondered what must've gotten wrong if they've managed to help him

"And then when he felt better, he started going out and taking care of Damon more again and-" he stopped and cleared his throat while trying to figure out if the kid is still away at his room, unable to hear us "Well they went outside one day and Stefan fell pretty bad while he was trying to help Damon. At first he though it wouldn't be anything serious, but by the time they got home he was barely walking. He didn't want us to call Rose, he was convinced it would pass, but once I got here and saw him barely breathing from the pain, I took him to the hospital without even asking him anymore.

"Oh, God" I only let out silently as I covered my mouth with my shaky hand. This wasn't happening-he surely was fine. I mean, I would've heard if something's wrong. Jenna would've known, it's not such a big town or his mom would've called me right?

Who am I fooling-this is Stefan! When he's suffering he doesn't want anyone to know, he's always going through his pain alone, not allowing anyone else to be there for him, not even his closest people. He was even trying to pull up a fight to his uncle and I knew how much he respected him.

"Is he better now?" I clenched my fists not because I was angry, but rather more, because I needed to find the strength I needed so much back in my again. I had to be strong-I had to go see him, talk to him, be there for him. He was there in my worse and now he was suffering, he was in pain and I had no idea.

"No" Zach let out the word I was hoping he wouldn't say "They've been trying to help him for more than a week now, but-" he looked away, obviously trying to hide his pain from me and for a moment we stayed there in silence-me trying to comprehend what I've just been told and him desperately trying to act like he's supposed to, because there was a boy in the other room, waiting for him, begging him to tell him his brother would be fine and he was just a man, a man who saw these boys grow and now he had to see them suffer, being unable to do anything and help them. "You should go see him. I'm sure you'll make him feel a bit better." he finally broke the silence and I nodded gratefully, not feeling the need to say anything else.

I left them be-I don't think I would've had the strength to look Damon in the face once more and lie to him that everything's going to be alright. It was a something, I've heard too many times and I'm sure that's all everyone's been repeating in this past week-he didn't need me to do that as well and I wouldn't let myself lie a child in their face. He deserved better than this.

I took a cab to the hospital and headed to the third floor-it's where Rose would be and I was certain she was the one treating him. There were numerous questions in my head, but I was trying very hard to suppress them all, because there were more important things to think of-like how's he doing for starters.

I asked one of the nurses about Rose and she showed me the corridor where I would find her. When I went there I saw Mrs. Salvatore and Rose talking in front of a room. Stefan's mom looked like a ghost, even from this distance and Rose seemed quite serious, which wasn't a good sign, because she always let sarcastic comments out or assured us that even if we're stubborn, she would be the one to save our asses. She was the first one to see me, though and she smiled weakly, before Mrs. Salvatore could even turn towards me. Once she did, she smiled sadly and I gave her a big supporting hug. Rose excused herself as she rubbed my shoulder gently and I tried to gather my strength before speaking up.

"Elena, it's so good to see you, sweetie." she started as she gave me warm smile "Are you okay? Are you feeling better now?"

"I'm all fine, thank you." I hurried to respond, because right now, honestly, I didn't give a damn about me. There was someone inside this room suffering-someone that I loved and I didn't even have the guts to tell him that. He didn't know I love him and he thought I was away-he was all alone. "Can I see him?" I thought it'll be better to just talk to him and understand how he's doing from himself, instead of interrogating her as she obviously was tired and worried. I didn't want her to re-live everything she's going through all over again, because of me.

"Yeah, they just woke him up, cause they'll have to give him the medications soon." she took my hand in hers and led me to the door "He might be a little cranky, though. He's in pain, keep that in mind." I nodded as she pushed the door handle and let me in the room.

At first he couldn't see us, he was obviously staring at the window and didn't turn right away. He was hooked up to a bunch of machines as well as an IV and his blond hair was the only thing I could see from here.

"Mom, I told you to go get some sleep" I heard his hoarse and weak voice and it almost scared me how hurt he sounded, until he finally turned around and saw us both standing there, right before him.

There was surprise in his eyes, once he realized I was there, he was shocked and obviously couldn't believe his eyes, but he tried to hide it and for a minute he just stared at me before eventually trying to raise up from the pillows-his efforts were in vain as he collapsed back on them, unable to succeed in this simple move.

"Elena" he said my name and I suddenly felt complete. All this time on our way back home I felt like something's missing-I was good, I was normal, I wasn't a prisoner of my own thoughts, but there's been this hole in my heart, I couldn't fill and now I realized why-it was because I needed to see him. It's because that place was reserved for our love and without him I felt incomplete.

He was pale, very pale and seemed very weak-every simple move he tried to make seemed to cause him unbelievable efforts-the usual big circles under his eyes were present, even though I knew he has just woken up and I wondered if he ever made some progress, if he left or if that was just a lie to make me go away? Did he even got a bit better?

"I'll leave you two alone" his mom said as she gently let my hand go "Please, don't tire yourself" she scolded him, which made me believe he must've been causing troubles these days and I honestly wasn't surprised-it's Stefan we're talking about.

At first, I just stood there and we stared at each other, not saying a word out. I was trying to comprehend how we ended up like this-I got to leave, get healthy and come back home, feeling all better and there he was, lying helplessly in his bed, unable to even raise up, probably still suffering from his own demons.

"When did you come back?" he was the one to break the silence as he adjusted on the pillow, trying to avoid feeling more pain than he probably already was. His facial expression seemed quite tortured-I wondered how much he had to endure up until now. It almost made me mad thinking I never knew what was going on with him and he saw it, despite the fact that I was trying very hard to hide it.

"About an hour ago." he furrowed his eyebrows, wondering how come I came here right away "I went by your flat and Damon and Zach showed up. They told me where you are." it took me a lot of effort to say the last sentence out loud, but I decided I won't break down, not right now. I had to be strong, to be next to him like he was next to me all those times.

"Are you alright? Are you better?" he asked again and made me smile weakly-even in his worst, he still wanted to know how I was doing.

"I'm all fine. Meredith's will officially clear me next week." he closed his eyes as he let a relived sigh out and I finally found the courage to approach him. I saw on the bed beside him and caught his hand which surprised him, because he opened up his eyes right away

"Stefan" I said as I shook my head and looked away. I was so mad at him for not letting me know he's not okay. I wanted to yell and tell him how he's not supposed to do this, but I knew now wasn't the right time for this.

"You're not supposed to be here, beautiful girl" he finally tightened his grip as well, which made me look back at him "You made me a promise."

"I honestly don't care about that now."

"Elena-" he tried to protest

"Stefan!" I interrupted, before he could continue

"You shouldn't-"

"I love you" there it goes. I said it out loud-the words I meant with all my heart, words, which I was no longer afraid to let out. There wasn't anything to stop me now-I loved him and I didn't care that he was sick and he might not be okay both physically and psychologically "I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you" I continued and looked at his warm full of concern eyes "And even though I didn't have the strength to say it back then, I still meant it and tried to show it to you with every small gesture" he tightened his grip trying to assure me that he knew it "I love you, Stefan Salvatore and I don't care what bullshit excuse you'll try to find now so you could push me away-I won't leave." I've suddenly felt strong again, even though watching him in so much pain, hurt me as hell.

"I love you too, Elena. I never stopped loving you." he said gently and stretched his hand, only so he would remove a strand from my hear behind my ear, which made me smile and I leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead, like he usually did. "Are you sure you want to do this? You shouldn't be stuck with me." he tried convincing me again and I silent his protest with a small kiss on the lips. Once I pulled away he smiled, but then his facial expression changed as he obviously felt the pain in his back again and I watched his hand move to the place where he was hurting.

"You want to tell me what's wrong?" I asked concerned and he let a tired sigh out while trying to find the strength in him and answer "They told me you fell."

"Yeah" he nodded "I was outside with Damon. He was running in front of me and he wanted to cross the street, but I saw the car coming, so I hurried to pull him back on the pavement, but I tripped and fell pretty hard on my back." he smiled sadly as he explained "They want to make a surgery now" I furrowed my eyebrows as I grew more concerned. I knew it was serious, but I didn't know it was that bad

"But?" I asked as he took too long to continue

"We don't have money now." he explained simply "Uncle Zach gave so much when they were treating me here both times after I tried to kill myself and then again he had to pay for rehabilitation and the medications, for my private sessions with Meredith, for the support group-just everything. He just…can't help me now. He has issues at work and mom's paycheck can't even cover the hospital expenses."

"So what will you do? Stefan, we have to find a way, you can't just stay like this." I raised my voice as I tried to hide the panic in it

"I'm just going to have to wait some until uncle Zach gets enough money." he saw I was about to protest and he found my hand resting peacefully beside him "It's going to be fine, Elena. I might not even need the surgery now. Meredith's trying out some new drugs and if they help me and I get better it will all be fine." somehow I felt like he was either lying or holding on to false hope. I had no idea which one it was, but he hurried to change the subject and ask me all about Atlanta-he wanted to know how the place looked like, how different it was from here and I told him everything I could think of and tried to speak as much as I could since I could see he was in great pain and he needed a distraction.

"What about you? How are the sessions with Meredith going? Or did she send you away like she has said she would?"

"No" he shook his head and my suspicions that it was all a lie confirmed, but I didn't press the subject, not when he was squeezing his eyes, trying to undergo another pain attack and let go of my hand so he wouldn't crush it "But I made some progress." he finally spoke up after a few minutes of intense pain "I don't have nightmares anymore. Or at least, not that much and I'm actually talking."

"Imagine that" I joked and he tried to smile, but failed for yet another time. I couldn't keep watching him like this anymore, so I pushed the call button and in a few minutes both Rose and a nurse came rushing through the door. I gave them a judging look and told them he's been in pain for too long, but he tried to calm me down by taking my hand and whispering he loved me. It was awful to watch them stick him up with needles in the back and help him move as he couldn't do it on his own. When they finished and Rose checked up his vitals she send the nurse away and sat on the chair next to mine.

"We need to talk, Stefan" she gave me a look, which suggested I should leave them alone and just as I was about to move up he took my hand and made me sit back down giving me a pleading stare, trying to show me he wanted me to stay. Rose held his file tightly and became all too serious again before speaking up "I'm sorry, Stefan, you will need the surgery after all."

"But you said the medications will-"

"They are not working" she interrupted him "You're in pain and I can't do anything about it anymore. You need a permanent solution. What I'm doing now is just sticking you up with things, so I would ease your pain, but you're hurting and it's too much for you." she said silently.

He nodded slightly, agreeing with her, but didn't look up back at me. Rose knew perfectly well that he can't afford the surgery right now, so she felt like she doesn't know what else to say anymore. I wondered if that's what she told his mother before I went in here-maybe that's why she seemed to ruined, she had to continue watching him like this for god knows how long.

"When will you discharge me then?" he asked after he gathered enough strength. He knew well enough there's no point in keeping him here anymore-nothing would help him unless he gets the surgery.

"I talked to your mother and I can let you go tomorrow morning." he nodded understandingly and let a relieved sigh out-he wanted to get out of here already, I could feel it "I'll come by your place to check up on you and see how you're doing until you get the surgery." she promised still in the same serious voice and then stood up "Elena, you have like an hour left before the visitation hours are over" Rose announced and I nodded. I didn't want to leave him, not so soon, not when he was so hopeless and tired, but I knew I had no other choice, so I tried to make the rest of our time together as good as possible.

We turned on the TV and I lay down next to him, without causing him too much pain. I tried to make him laugh, but we also talked about serious things and I wanted to give him hope. I wanted to make sure everything will be fine despite everything-he knew perfectly that we would start the school year in matter of days and he won't be able to begin his senior year. He was aware of the fact that he can't even stand up on his own, that he's a wreck both physically and emotionally-I knew he was hopeless, despite him trying to cover it. I could sense it, that's why I was trying so hard to make him feel better. He was just so tired, so lonely and desperate that I wanted to kiss him and take it all away-I wished his pain could become mine or that we could at least share it, but it was impossible. My fate was to watch the person I loved suffer and it hurt me, but I still stood strong and he noticed it-he said he's proud that I'm healthy, which is why he still thought it wasn't a good idea for me to be next to him. But every time he would protest, I would silent him with a kiss or hug myself in his weak body and he smiled, with tears in his eyes and repeated how much he loved me.

Somehow I had this feeling that he was the only one I'll ever love this way and there wasn't anything out there to make me doubt myself. Once he fell asleep, I watched him rest peacefully next to me and I promised myself I won't ever leave his side. I loved him too much to do so. He has admitted tonight that he only lied to me that he'll be send away, because he wanted me to get better, he told me everything-that Meredith called and they talked about it, he knew even before aunt Jenna did and he was happy I'll get to leave this place. He was actually hoping I would never look for him once I move on-he loved me, but he prayed that I keep going by myself. He made me cry even when I tried so hard not to do so-I finally let the tears go once he was deeply asleep-I was so sad that he was in this place, I wanted him to just be healthy like I am, I couldn't bear watching him suffer-it made my heart heavy and fill my eyes with tears. It was painful, but I knew I can't escape it-maybe I shouldn't even try, because it made us both stronger or so I hoped.

Before leaving him I kissed him one last time and then I came back first thing in the morning when they were discharging him. He couldn't even walk-his uncle had to carry him to the car and the only one happy with Stefan going back home was Damon, who remained by his brother's side all the way to the flat. He hugged himself in Stefan and refused to let him go, he told him he loved him and Stefan kissed him on the forehead like he did with me.

I refused to believe that after all this time things won't get better for him-I had hope and that hope was what kept me going every time I saw him tossing in his bed or when the pain consumed him so much he couldn't even speak-that hope prevented my hand from shaking while I was holding his as he was trying to undergo another sleepless night, my hope was what helped me convince him in his darkest moment, when he has given up that he'll ever get back on his feet, that he'll be alright. I've taught myself to endure. I couldn't let go.

At the end of the day, it was his love that saved me.

Now it was my turn.

* * *

**A/N: So, this is the last chapter. I really wanted to post this one and the previous one together, but I was so tired last night, I had no strength to finish this one. The next thing I'll post will be a short epilogue, which would take place a few months after this one and you'll see if he got better or not and how things changed. I know there aren't many people who read this, but I wanted to thank you all for joining me on this journey with those two screwed up by the life and the circumstances people. When I started this story, I had absolutely no intentions of posting it, because I thought it would be too sad and dark, but later on I changed my mind, because it was a challenge for me to write such screwed up Stefan and Elena and the way their love for one another will lead to their saving. So thank you all again. I'm working on something new now, which is why I took some time to update this. **

**If you have any questions you can find me on twitter-Flowing_lantern. **


	20. Chapter 20

**EPILOGUE:**

**Stefan's POV**

"Come on, Stefan! Just one more step!" I hear my brother cheering up for me, while I'm slowly making small steps towards him, Elena and my mom. They are all happily observing me, yelling and supporting me to keep going.

It was the first time I've been back on my feet on my own, though even now uncle Zach was nervously hovering behind me and throwing my mother and Elena worried glances, convinced that I was not supposed to be up with my stitches still on. But I wanted to try and get up-it's been too long, since I was last able to do this and the whole month and a half of suffering in my bed at home made things worse. There was a point when I've convinced myself that I'll have to get used to this kind of life since uncle Zach was having a very hard time coming up with the money-both him and mom were working like hell and I felt so guilty for making them do this-after all, this was all my fault-if I haven't decided to kill myself, I wouldn't have been in this condition right now and they were surely not supposed to pay for my mistakes.

I looked at the people in front of me, all of them smiling, all of them convinced that everything is finally going to be okay-and for the first time in forever, I believed that as well. I was tired of hearing my mother cry in the kitchen, because she felt like she can't help me-I put her through hell these past two years, with me constantly breaking down or being sick and now finally, I was getting better and the tears in her eyes, were not from sadness, but from joy. She couldn't believe I was up on my feet and she was carefully watching my every small step as I put the crutches slowly in front of me before attempting to move my wobbly feet. She thought something will go wrong again, that I'll fall or I'll get back to being unable to move, but I was fine and I wanted her to let go and stop worrying. My brother was jumping up and down from joy-I think he was the one who was most happy-he is so full of joy right now that watching him makes me feel a whole lot better, not only physically but emotionally.

And then there was my girl-my sweet brown-haired girl, who was staring at me warmly, proud that I've got here. She is the only reason, I got this surgery in the first place-there was a point in those last few months where everything seemed hopeless and then there she was-always optimistic, always certain I would get better. She was the one to save me this time-she figured out how to come up with the money we needed-she couldn't keep watching me like this and I didn't want her to. There were so many times I told her to just go home and yet she stayed with me until early in the morning while I was sleeping restlessly in my bed, waking up from the pain every now and then.

Our love grew stronger during those months-I never thought it was possible to love anyone so much, but life proved me wrong, for the better this time. She never treated me like a sick person-on the contrary, she came to our flat and talked to me about how her day was, what happened at school, how she bought I nice blue dress that I'll surely like and when she felt I was in pain she caught my hand and lay down next to me, because there wasn't anything else she could really do, except be next to me. I often fell asleep and woke up to her reading a book or writing an assignment, because I've made her promise me she won't stop studying just because I'm sick and can't go to school-she still had to think of her future, with me or not.

Then just when I was on the verge of giving up myself, she figured she should call the editor of the newspaper-Michael Smith. While she was away, I've send them two more stories and they've published them-for some unknown reason, people liked them and they wanted me to keep writing and send them more, but with me being so sick, I couldn't even sit up in my bed and eat, let alone write something. Anyway, Elena called them and told them what's going on-Michael suggested that they organize this evening charity event and they raised money for me, which finally resulted in me getting the surgery just five days ago.

"There you go!" my mom said happy once I finally got to them and I granted her a tired, but warm smile, while leaning down to kiss Elena.

"Ew, that's disgusting!" Damon exclaimed "I'm gonna go play video games, momma." he ran away to his room and we laughed as we watched him rejoicing.

Elena cupped my face and gave me a warm kiss on the cheek before letting me go. I was still a mess, more or less, but I knew it would all be better now when I was finally back on my feet. I had no idea how I'll manage to finish the senior year, now that I've missed so much, but I was going to try and come up with all the assignments and do the exams we've made. The staff from the newspaper made it clear that they would be glad if I applied to the Charleston University and they would write me a good recommendation if I figure I want to study Literature, but I knew I'll have to work hard if I wanted to get a scholarship and somehow now that seemed a bit unrealistic. Elena, however, was certain I would manage to deal with it all and that they'll accept me, but honestly-I wasn't worried about that. I only wanted to be with her and we had to figure out a way not to separate after this year is over-I don't think I would have the strength to let her go once more. Not now when I love her that much.

"Come on, let's put you down" uncle Zach said worriedly and I felt his hand on my arm, but I shook my head stubbornly and I heard him grunt helplessly

"I want to go outside" I nodded towards the balcony and gave my mom a pleading look. She crossed her arms on her chest and gave Elena a concerned look, but my girl only smiled reassuringly and came by my side.

"Stefan-" my mom tried to argue, however. I understood her-she was worried.

"It's okay, I'll be with him" Elena promised and I smiled gratefully as we started heading to the balcony. It took us another twenty minutes until we finally sat down on the wooden chairs out there. It's been a long time since we were alone and it felt good, so I stretched my hand and found hers on her lap, only so I could squeeze it gently, while she helped me move the crutches away. I sighed, tiredly, but happy with myself and leaned back while rubbing her hand with my thumb.

For a moment we both didn't say anything-we knew what we were thinking-we were finally good. She was healthy, officially cleared, happy and hopeful. When she came back, she was a different girl and I loved everything about her-she wasn't crying herself to sleep, there were no dark circles under her eyes, she wasn't sad or spiraling in her dark thoughts-she was healthy and happy. In other words-she was glowing. She was still the girl I fell in love with, without all the bad things that were part of her everyday suffering-she was fine and that was all that mattered to me-I didn't want much in this life. After everything I've been through, I only wanted _her_, to love _her_, to be with _her_, to hold _her_ hand till my last day on this earth. I couldn't ask for anything else-well except for me to be completely healthy as well, so I could be worthy of her.

"I called Meredith and she'll come tomorrow to see you" she broke the silence with her light cheerful voice. In those last month and a half, I didn't really have time to think about my mental issues, but I was going to fix this now. I was determined to do so, no matter how long it takes-yes, it might be more than a month or two, it might even be a whole year, but I'll get there, I was certain I would-with her and for her, I was willing to die if I have to. She was well aware in this past month that I still had nightmares and I saw the worry in her eyes, but I've made her a promise that I'll manage to find a way out to beat the crap of this. We've both come a long way and after everything she and I've been through I'm not willing to throw it all away, sit in my room and remember all the horrible things I've seen. It was time for me to deal with this-both for her and for Jack. I owed him this much.

"Thank you." I smiled as well and leaned down to kiss her.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked after she noticed me staring at the sky, lost in my thoughts and I smiled.

"The first time I saw you." I admitted. I never told her when I really saw her first, she still believed it was in the support group and I never gave her any reason to doubt that. It was a memory I was preserving with my whole human being, one that gave me strength and made me smile in the worst moments "You know" I started and looked her in the eyes "It was not in the support group."

"What?" she asked confused "How do you mean it wasn't there?"

"It was in the hospital after your accident with your parents." I hated to bring up the subject and I saw her look away, remembering the awful moment I've just mentioned, until I squeezed her hand and made her look at me again "I was there as well." she furrowed her eyebrows confused "I've just tried to kill myself again and we were at the same room, waiting to get in the MRI. You were so beautifully asleep that it made me lose my mind right back then."

"I can't believe you never told me this" she exclaimed as she raised up enthusiastic that I'm sharing this with her and I shrugged my shoulders innocently.

"I kept talking about you for days after that" I admitted and looked away feeling nervous "Jack even begged me to try and find your room, cause I wouldn't shut up about you, but I just didn't want to. I was such a pain in the ass. "

"I'm seeing that hasn't changed from then" she joked and I chuckled. She leaned on my shoulder and we stayed there, observing the city under us and enjoying the beautiful day from this small wrecked balcony mirroring our souls so much.

For the first time in two years, I felt happy.

"You are the one, Elena" I admitted and she moved up only so she could give me a look of disbelief, but once she saw I was serious, she smiled and put her hand on my neck in order to pull me closer to her. Our foreheads were touching and I watched her close her eyes

"No matter what happens from now on" I continued "No matter what else we have to go through or how the circumstances change, I'll never leave you alone. Never again. You brought me back to life and for that I'll be forever grateful. I love you with my whole wrecked human being-with my broken back, with my screwed up mind, with my full of guilt and sorrow heart. I love you." she finally opened up her eyes and I saw the tears in them-she hasn't cried in such a long time that I've felt bad for being the reason for it now.

"I love you too." she whispered before our lips collided and I felt the tears roll down her cheek. When I let her go, she hugged herself in my embrace and we stayed there for a while, just like this-happy. "You'll get healthy and we'll go to college together. It will all be fine." she promised and I believed her.

I did, because I was no longer the sad sick depressed boy I was almost an year ago when I met her.

I couldn't believe Jack turned out to be right when he said in the hospital that I won't be able to forget this girl. I remember, I laughed and told him to change the subject and help me go back to my room, but he only smiled knowingly and didn't say anything else.

Back then, I didn't know that years from now I would still be here on that very balcony, holding her in my embrace, kissing her gently on the forehead, making sure she's not feeling cold.

I wouldn't know, that our kids would be sleeping in the rooms Damon and I shared.

I wouldn't know, that I'll publish my first book at the age of twenty-five and she'll become the best Biology teacher the Mystic Falls high school ever had.

I wouldn't know, that she'll get cancer at the age of forty and that she'll die two years after that.

I wouldn't know, I'll have to say goodbye to her-I always thought, I would be the first one to leave this earth.

I also didn't even suspect, that even though she would leave me alone, I would still love her more and more with every passing day, while I'm helping my two teenage boys finish high school. I had to fight for them, to make sure they're fine, that they go on with their lives, because that what she would want me to do.

I had absolutely no idea, I'll be able to hold my first granddaughter, who my elder son named Elena in my shaky hands-she was so beautiful.

I didn't know, I'll join my beautiful wife, days after that.

No, I didn't know all those stuff, because I was still that foolish young teenage stubborn boy, who loved her unconditionally at the age of seventeen and who was convinced he'll spent the rest of his life with her.

I pulled her closer to me-I couldn't imagine a day without her on this earth.

The best thing of all is that I didn't have to.

I was hers and she was mine and our love for one another was what saved us.

It turned out Meredith was right-life is good after all.

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**A/N: So that's all guys! I think it is a happy ending with a glimpse of the future so I don't know, I hope you like it. It was too sad of a story to write, I just had to finish it good. Thanks again for reading, reviewing and bearing with my mistakes. **

**I've been working on something new for quite some time now and I want to post the first chapter by the end of the week, so I hope you get to enjoy it as well. **


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